Alfred F. Jones had just wanted a coke and a candy bar. He didn't expect Ivan Braginski and several others to show up as he was checking out. He sure as hell wasn't prepared for the gunshot that was fired. He glanced around as the store clerk locked the doors, keeping them inside. "Ivan, did you do something?"

"Nyet."

"Are you sure?"

"Da."

"You're sure?"

"Da."

"Well then, sure, what was it?"

"Ah, my name is not sure and I do not know."

"Your name isn't sure."

"Da."

"Are you sure?"

"Nyet."

"Do you even know what your name is?"

"Da."

"What is it?"

"Ivan Braginski."

"Damn, it didn't work."

"You were trying to confuse me?"

"Da." He paused, horrified. "I mean yes!"

Ivan smiled. "Of course you did."

Natalya Arlovskaya had been lurking in the back of the store for an hour now. She was admiring all the pretty glass bottles she could break over that annoying American's head that her brother found so handsome. They all bore his name, too, Jones. Which flavor though? There were so many, like Bubble Gum and Cream Soda. Maybe that Cola he loved so much. Well, that's ironic. She heard her brother enter and hoped that the other was gone, but no, there was his loud annoying voice again.

"Like, my crops are withering." Okay, that was Feliks.

"Hey, Feliks!" There he was. "You're about as cool as any mobster who plays games on Facebook."

"Like, that's cool."

"Until the mafia finds out he's on Facebook and they come over to break his face with a book."

"Well, that is ironic," Ivan finished.

Natalya sulked. She had just said that. Maybe she go over there and prevent them from further corrupting her brother's mind with more silly parody ads for lame online games.

"Do you playing games with monsters?"

Too late.

"Maybe," Ivan replied.

"Do you like cleaning houses?"

"Nyet."

"Now you can have the best of both worlds!"

She rolled her eyes and walked up to them. "Brotherrrrr."

Ivan froze.

"Like, where did she come from?"

Alfred laughed. "Hi, Naty."

Feliciano Vargas came out of the restrooms. "There's not any pasta in there, either."

Alfred laughed even more. He suddenly grabbed Ivan's arm and dragged him away. "Bye!" He coaxed Ivan down a hallway and into a room with a cot and an emergency shower. He pushed the still terrified Russian onto the cot and sat under the shower. The store doors opened.

"Everybody is to remain inside until we tell them to leave," that was his police friend, Toris. He listened to the sound of Toris searching the place and Ivan's breathing smooth out as he realized his sister was no longer around. "Any criminals in here?" Toris asked them from the doorway, amused.

"No, not unless you count Ivan." Alfred smiled.

"Yes, he is a tease," Ivan said, motioning towards Alfred. Alfred found a pillow and threw it at him. Toris shook his head.

"Well if the real criminal shows up, make sure you two protect each other and everybody else."

"Da!" Both said at once. The pillow hit Alfred in the head. "Grr."

Toris left them in a pillow fight as his partner found out what had happened. A panda had escaped from the zoo and Yao was chasing it when Vash opened fire. Nobody was injured.

Any good fic at a gas station needs Jones Soda!

Zynga has struck again! This time in the form of parody ads done by Toby Turner! Some lines are actually his. If you need seen them, I suggest going to YouTube and looking for Mafia Wars Parody Ad. He's funny.