Thank you for all of the encouraging reviews, they really mean a lot to me! And I promise you, regardless of the things that I put Meredith and Derek through in my stories, I love them. I am a MerDer shipper all the way, I just like to make them incredibly flawed and make them do terrible things to each other to make a story, but I promise you that I'm fighting for them too!

So this is a little shorter than usual, but it's kind of dense and I wanted to get it up before the week began, so I decided to just leave it to one scene. Enjoy!

Chapter 20: Don't know

Derek was an idiot. He knew this. Unlike a lot of people with as bad of a track record as him, he was not unaware of his mistakes or idiocy. They were glaring at him in the face. He wasn't about to try to explain them away either. He wasn't going to say that he'd done the right thing, but who knows what the right thing is when you have to make the choice? It's easy to recognize in retrospect when the consequences are laid out before you, but in that moment, that helpless moment when you feel like everything rides on this one decision, how do you know what to chose?

If he tallied up all the people he'd hurt in his seemingly 'selfless' action in the past five or six years, he knew he would be buying himself an express train ticket to hell. And the way he looked at it, he had no choice but to hurt even more people if he wanted to fix his life. Breaking up with Elizabeth wasn't as hard has he expected. She didn't seem all that surprised or even all that hurt by it. Despite their pending marriage, he didn't think she was all that more emotionally involved in it than he was. They both knew they were with the last person they belonged with. His soul mate was on the other side of the country, while her's was six feet under. She actually seemed slightly happy for him. Maybe at least one of them would one day be where they belonged, but honestly, Derek had no real hope for that. He wasn't about to expect what he didn't deserve.

It took him another week of silent isolation in New York to hand in his resignation. It amazed him how alone he could feel in a busy hospital or in a city with over 8 million people. He'd spent so much time convincing himself that his children were fine without him, but now he couldn't stop seeing the parallels to his childhood and Meredith's. Even if they were completely happy in Seattle, there was still a void in their life, similar to the one Derek had experienced. Suddenly his ability to live in denial was failing and he needed to do something about it. He just didn't know what or how.

There was no guide book for this and he desperately needed one.

The Chief of Surgery was not only disappointed, but seriously surprised and confused by the letter of resignation. Derek had one the most advanced departments of neurology at his command and he was walking away. He explained it was entirely personal, but he couldn't blame the doctor for not understanding why his kids were suddenly so important when they weren't years ago when Derek first signed on. The only explanation he had was that things were changing in his life right now and that included being a bigger part of his kids' lives again.

He had another month on his lease, but there was nothing for him in New York. Instead of moping around in his empty apartment, Derek found himself on the highway to Connecticut to a place he hadn't been in a long time. When he pulled up to the old Victorian home, he saw his mother's car parked in the driveway and for once, he was extremely glad she was home alone.

He parked his car behind hers and tried to summon the courage he knew he was going to need to actually get through this conversation without completely breaking down. He needed to at least tell his mother what he was doing instead of just moving across the country without a word again.

"Derek?"

He looked up from his steering wheel and found his mother standing up in the corner of the long porch in front of the swing. He sighed, knowing he'd missed her presence on the swing and got out of the car.

"Hey Mom," he called out in a fake happy voice.

"Honey, what are you doin' here? Not that I don't love to see you," she said as they met by the steps on the porch. She wrapped her arms around her son, still amazed at how grown up he was.

"Just needed to talk."

"So you drove here in the middle of the day on a Wednesday? Something's up, dear," Caroline said knowingly as she led her son inside. "How about some coffee?"

"Sounds good," Derek said, pulling out one of the stools at the island and sitting down.

Caroline moved around her well-kept kitchen quickly and started the coffee before placing a plate of cookies in front of Derek and taking the stool next to him. "Now, what did you need to talk about?"

"I'm not getting married."

Caroline let out a small sigh, but Derek couldn't tell if it was of frustration of relief. She remained silent for a few minutes; the only noise in the house was the dripping coffee. Then she finally decided what to say, "Derek, I know I didn't stop you. I probably encouraged you more than anything in that divorce, but honey, we both know Meredith was it for you."

Derek nodded. "I'm moving to Seattle."

"Derek…" Caroline said in a cautious tone, "You cannot expect that woman to just jump back into your arms. If she's the woman you married, there is no way she's that weak."

"Mom, I'm not expecting her to. I just need to be around Michael and Jackie. I don't want them growing up hoping that their kids didn't have the same father they did. They deserve more than that. I've been selfish and weak and I'm trying to fix it," Derek asserted. He needed to continue believing that he was doing exactly the right thing.

"Honey, I love you, but you can't be surprised if she never comes back to you. You realize this, don't you?" Caroline asked gently.

"Yeah… I just… I know I can't fix what has happened, but maybe one day she'll understand. Maybe she'll one day see why I did it. It was dumb, I know. Clearly not well enough thought out, but maybe she'll see that it wasn't malicious. It wasn't because I didn't love her."

"Asking for her forgiveness may be asking too much," Caroline answered, hating that she hadn't advised her son against this divorce before it ever happened. She felt so responsible. She wanted him to do something, but she never thought he would divorce her. He didn't tell anyone in the family until it had already been done and everyone was at a loss.

"If I hadn't taken that one surgery, none of this would have happened. That one damn surgery. I was supposed to be off that day anyways. Meredith wasn't supposed to be doing the laundry or taking care of the kids by herself, but she refused to sit down unless I was there, constantly making sure she was relaxing and taking care of herself. She needed me. I should have been there."

Caroline shook her hand, "You cannot sit here and blame yourself for things that happened over six years ago. You can't fix it. You did nothing wrong in taking that surgery. You know Meredith would have been pissed at you had you not. Don't blame yourself for losing Maggie or the events that happened that day. Neither you nor Meredith was responsible for that. That could have happened to anyone and for some reason God chose you two. I don't know why, but that's how life works sometimes."

"It's unfair. Just plain unfair. Meredith's had a terrible life. She deserves so much more than this and me. I'm not good enough for her, I never was," Derek said his head falling into his hands.

"This self-doubt? This pity? This is what is making you weak. This is not the Derek Shepherd I raised. If you don't think you're good enough for Meredith, make yourself good enough. Pitying yourself for the rest of your life is going to be bad for you and your children. You need to pull yourself together and live with the decisions you've made," Caroline stressed, deciding that her son was too old for her to be soft with him. That obviously hadn't worked for his thus far.

Derek just looked at him mother. He didn't know what to say anymore. He had no more explanations or excuses and now he was just a pathetic man. He'd spent his whole life trying to be his father, but he never took the time to realize how far off he was. Living in Seattle, raising his kids, loving Meredith, those were the things he was supposed to be doing. That was the man he was supposed to be. He had just been so scared that he destroyed her. She had saved him all those years ago when he'd been drowning and he couldn't do the same for her. He didn't know how to be useless. That feeling was the reason he'd become a doctor. He'd been useless when his father had died and he never wanted to feel that again, but all the medical knowledge in the world did nothing for Meredith. He still failed her.

Caroline could see the internal struggle through her son's eyes and it broke her heart. She knew that he was a good man. He'd gone a little off course for awhile, but deep down, he was good. He needed to remember that. "Alright, so tell me what the plan is," she prompted, trying to get him to talk instead of sulk.

"I have a little time left on my lease, but I'll probably go ahead and leave anyways. Check into a hotel and find an apartment with enough room for the kids. And hope that one of the hospitals is willing to take on another neurosurgeon. I probably won't get a department head for awhile, but I can deal with working under some one if that's what I need to do to be near my family. I don't know… I might even look into teaching," Derek rattled on, his thoughts coming out before he really even thought them out himself.

"Derek, please don't make too many life changing decisions when you're feeling like this. Don't change your career. You love surgery. I know you do," Caroline continued, rubbing her son's arm. "You save lives. You're a wonderful surgeon. Don't give that up because you feel less than confident right now."

"I know I can cut. That's one thing I've never doubted, but it's completely possible that there might not be open positions. The economy isn't great right now and I'm not in the position to open a private practice. I can't handle that right now. I just need to get to Seattle and then I'll figure out what I'm going to do." Derek nodded, seemingly satisfied that he now had some type of a plan, despite its vagueness.

"Does Meredith know you're coming?"

"I uh, I told Michael that I would see him soon, but other than that I haven't said anything."

Caroline eyed her son carefully, "Do you really think it would be a good idea to bombard her? As far as she knows, you have absolutely no reason to be in Seattle. You need to talk to her."

"I know, I will."

"More importantly, Derek," Caroline said, catching her son's gaze with her own, "You need to learn to like yourself again. You aren't a terrible man, but you have to own up to and learn to live with the mistakes you've made. No one, not even Meredith, is expecting you to be perfect. You don't have to save the day all the time. Stop expecting so much of yourself. Just take care of the things you can handle, understand?"

"Yeah, Mom," Derek said, giving his mother a weak smile before reaching to give her a tight hug.

He knew she was right. He needed to learn to accept what he'd done and who he is. He made that decision all those years ago and he can't take it back. But that still left him with too many problems. He had no idea how to fix what he'd done. He wasn't even sure if there was a way anymore.

Man there's so many times
I don't know what I'm doin'
Like I don't know now