**This chapter has a bit of explicit language in the first paragraph only.**

Chapter 21

After Newkirk had left his room, Hogan locked his door again and returned to the window, staring out through the frosted panes of glass, arms wrapped around himself and leaning against the wall. He replayed what he and Newkirk had discussed in his head over and over. Maybe I can beat this thing and return to some semblance of normalcy, he thought for a moment. He suddenly smirked sarcastically as his lower lip trembled again. Who are you kidding, Rob? He wiped his eyes of the tears which were threatening. What would they think of you if you had revealed the one thing to Newkirk that even he didn't know? What would Newkirk think of you? What about Carter and LeBeau? They'd think you were not only disgusting but that you were weak. He thought about the revelation Kinch had made to him a few days ago and knew Kinch had suspected which was why he revealed what had happened to him as a kid. But he would be the exception. Yet, Hogan could almost hear the whispers and see the finger-pointing of others. He looked down for a moment and let out a deep sigh. Yeah, there goes Hogan. Did you know one of those guards jerked him off when they raped him in the woods? And almost made it happen again in his own quarters when they showed up. Man, what a weakling.

No. He couldn't tell anybody…ever. If the knowledge of him responding ever got out he would become the laughing stock of the entire camp. Hell, even Klink would probably have a good laugh at his expense. Except for Kinch, all his men would lose respect for him. Hell, he'd already lost respect for himself the moment he responded in the woods, and almost did in his own quarters. And probably would have if Carter hadn't walked in when he did. Hogan already knew he was on his way to losing control again when the young sergeant interrupted things. The rape already humiliated him, and knowing he reacted during the assault just made it worse. He knew he would be just as mortified if the entire camp were to find out. Hogan wiped his face with both hands. Nobody can ever know I lost control of my own body in the woods and was about to here in my own quarters. Nobody.

Turning away from the window, Hogan walked slowly to his double bunk and raised a wooden wall panel beside the lower bunk. Reaching inside he removed a pistol the men didn't know he had. Checking it, he noticed it was fully loaded. He stood with the gun in his hands and just looked at it. It would be so easy just to end things right now; and for a split second he thought about ending it to spare himself the shame, pain, humiliation and embarrassment. Then, letting out a deep breath, he put the gun back and slid the panel back down. Who was he kidding? He wouldn't kill himself; not over this anyway. He sat down at his desk thinking about his options. He could ask Klink to transfer him to another camp where nobody knew him. Or, he could just resign his command and go back to London if he believed the men lost all respect for him. He then made a promise to himself that if the information got out somehow, he would spare himself the shame, pain, humiliation, and embarrassment and either ask for a transfer out of Stalag 13 or leave and return to London.

The others were seated at the table drinking coffee when they noticed Newkirk emerge from Hogan's quarters. However, they noticed the grim expression on his face as he gazed back at the closed door and his eyes lingered there for several seconds. Then, with a shake of his head, he approached the table and after pouring himself a cup of coffee, sat down. He took a long drink before he noticed the others eying him. He looked around.

"What're you all starin' at me for? Did I suddenly grow another head or somethin'?"

"Of course not," Carter said, puzzled with narrowed eyes. "Nobody can grow a second head, silly. What in the world made you say a dumb thing like…"

"Carter, shut up," Newkirk replied with a roll of his eyes. "Now if you chaps would stop, just tell me what all of you are starin' at me for?"

"C'mon, mon ami," LeBeau said in anticipation. "What is wrong with the Colonel? Did he tell you?"

Newkirk removed a pack of cigarettes from his pocket, took one and stuck it in his mouth before returning the pack to his pocket. Striking a match and lighting it, he dropped the extinguished match onto the floor and took a drag. "Sorry, LeBeau. But I promised the Colonel I wouldn't repeat what he told me without his permission. So don't any of you ask again." He took another drag while choosing his next words. "But there is one thing I can say." He glanced over his shoulder again at the closed door. "He's still holding something back. Something he's either too afraid or too embarrassed to let anybody know." He turned back and took another drink of coffee.

Nobody noticed Kinch was also staring at Hogan's closed door and scratching his chin at the same time. I wonder if he's still feeling the shame. Or is he trying to forget he did and act as if he didn't?

Henrik walked into SS headquarters smiling, and approached the information desk. He felt a bit excited today. Today was the day he decided that he and Hans, after they were off-duty, would go directly to Stalag 13 and remove Colonel Hogan from his nice safe POW camp. He would dress up as Major Jaeger again and Hans would come along as Corporal Steger and he would inform Colonel Klink they were 'arresting' Hogan on suspicion of sabotage. The Kommandant wouldn't be able to stop them and neither could anyone else. And if Sergeant Kinchloe or anybody else got in the way they would either be arrested as well and later disposed of or shot right there. Depended on what mood Henrik was in. He also couldn't wait to speak with Hans and find out what Fritz had shown him last night and how Hogan got in and out of camp without being caught. The young sergeant behind the desk glanced up when he saw Henrik approach.

"Can I help you with something, Sergeant Drapper?"

"Yes, has Corporal Reinard reported for duty?"

The young sergeant looked at the sign-in book. "No, sir. In fact, I haven't seen or heard from him since I came on duty."

Henrik's eyes narrowed. To him, that was awfully strange. Hans was always the first one to report for duty no matter what. Suddenly something felt terribly wrong to the head sergeant.

"Danke, sergeant," he said with narrowed eyes as he signed the log, then started walking away. He suddenly stopped, turned, and walked back to the information desk. "Can I use your phone, sergeant?" Seeing the young man nod, Henrik picked up the receiver. He waited until he got the operator. "Fraulein, could you connect me with the hospital in Hammelburg? Ja, I will wait. Danke." Something wasn't sitting right with Henrik. Fritz contacted them last night asking for him and Hans to meet him just outside the woods near Stalag 13 and the next day Hans isn't heard from or seen. And while Henrik could understand Fritz spending most his time with his injured brother, Baer, he would have thought they would have heard something from the young sergeant. Also, having just been reunited with his brother after all this time, why would Fritz leave his side to look for the American? He certainly wouldn't have. Finally he heard someone on the other end. "Ja, I am inquiring as to the condition of SS Colonel Baer Weidman? He was brought in a few days ago. Danke. I will wait while you check."

He didn't have too long to wait for an answer. "You have nobody by that name as a patient. Danke, fraulein. Auf wiedersehen. Heil Hitler." Hanging up the phone Henrik pursed his lips as a feeling of realization finally came over him as did rage.

There was no longer any doubt in his mind there was a very good possibility that Fritz and Hans were both dead. And that one person was, in his mind, responsible for those deaths; Colonel Robert Hogan. He began doing a slow burn. The time for playing games with you is over, Colonel. I will see your dead and bleeding body on the ground even if I have to mutilate you and let you bleed to death, or shoot you through the fence of your precious little Stalag from a distance. Whichever way I choose, your time on this earth is limited. So enjoy what little time you have left.

Kinch knocked on Hogan's door only to hear Hogan's voice telling him to leave him alone. He turned the doorknob but the door wouldn't open, and suspected Hogan had locked it. He knocked again. "C'mon, Colonel. Unlock the door, it's Kinch." He heard the sound of a door being unlocked and then retreating footsteps. Twisting the doorknob again, Kinch opened the door and walked in, closing it behind him. He found his commander standing by the window staring out. Hogan turned his head slightly and gazed at his second-in-command.

"You want to see me about something, Kinch?" he asked quietly.

Kinch shrugged his shoulders. "I just wanted to see if you needed anything, Colonel?" he asked.

"I'm fine," said Hogan in a small voice.

"Begging the Colonel's pardon. You don't seem fine, sir."

"You trying to replace Wilson now, Kinch? You aren't satisfied with your current duties?"

Kinch allowed a small smile to appear. At any other time he would have found Hogan's remark funny. But he noticed something different this time. Different, but yet familiar only because he'd experienced it himself. And though hesitant, Kinch decided he somehow had to get through to the colonel but be careful how he went about it.

"Colonel, I think I know what's got you so down that you couldn't even tell Newkirk." He saw Hogan suddenly raise his head and look at him; panic in his eyes. "Don't worry, sir. He didn't violate your confidence in anyway." He noticed the colonel seemed to relax hearing those words.

"So, you think you know what's wrong, Kinch?" Hogan said with a smirk as he got up. He looked at his friend. "Why don't you tell me then?" he said sarcastically.

"All right, I will." The radioman took a few tentative steps forward until he was standing at the foot of the bunk. "You still can't get past you reacting during the rape."

Hogan looked at Kinch with raised eyebrows. "What reaction? I have no idea what you're talking about." He made his way over to the window and with folded arms again looked through the frosted window panes at the near-empty compound.

Kinch stared at the colonel. "Sir, I know what it is you're trying to do, and I can tell you from experience it doesn't work."

Hogan looked over his shoulder, puzzled. "That what doesn't work?"

"Trying to pretend you didn't respond when you were raped; or that you almost did again when you were assaulted in your own quarters."

Hogan chuckled. "So, now you're a psychic, Kinch? You must really be bored."

Kinch let out a deep breath. "No psychic, sir. Just experience. Pretending your body didn't respond just doesn't work. You're just denying anything happened and you remained in control. I'm telling you right now it doesn't work."

Hogan's jaw tightened as he went back to looking out the window. "Are you calling me a liar, Sergeant?"

"No, sir."

"Good. Glad to hear it. I appreciate your concern, but I was in control both times, so I suggest you stick to being my second-in-command and stop playing doctor." Letting out a deep breath, Hogan turned away from the window and started walking past Kinch who suddenly grabbed the colonel gently by both arms and turned him around so they faced each other. He could feel the colonel flinch at being grabbed and he regretted having to do it, but he had to get through to him somehow. He also saw the terror in his eyes.

"Colonel, stop it!" he yelled and shook him gently. "Stop trying to pretend you didn't react! You and I both know you did because I did when it happened to me. I was only thirteen and I did! I couldn't stop it from happening and you couldn't either."

"No!" Hogan stated emphatically pulling away from his friend. "I…you're wrong!" His face suddenly softened a bit. "Besides, you were a child when it happened to you. I'm an adult. I should have been able to maintain control. It's part of my job description."

"Normally you are in control, Colonel, always. But not with this. Sir, you're never gonna be able to get past it by denying it happened. I'm saying you couldn't stop it no matter what you tried to do. It's an involuntary reaction you can't control. There are just some things a person can't control. By denying it you're just burying it and not dealing with it. And it's only gonna fester until it consumes you. I know what I'm talking about."

Hogan sighed wearily. "Why can't I get past this? Why, Kinch? Can you explain to me why? Why do I feel so…so…"

Kinch rested his hands on the colonel's shoulders and smiled. "Humiliated? Ashamed? Like your own body betrayed you?"

The colonel smiled slightly. Kinch understood so well. The radioman could see the shame and humiliation in the colonel's eyes just as he had seen it in his own eyes at thirteen when he looked in the bathroom mirror the day after. "Colonel, I wish I could roll back the clock so this never happened to you at all, but I can't. All I can do is help you deal with the aftermath anyway I can. But you have to stop beating yourself up. I'll always be here for you. But I'm telling you the truth, sir. The sooner you accept that you lost control during the rape, you can start to work through it. I thought by denying my body responded meant the sexual assault by my uncle didn't really happen. That's what you're doing, sir. By denying you lost control is your way of denying the rape happened as did the sexual assault in your quarters. And I can honestly tell you, sir, it doesn't work."

Hogan suddenly felt his knees would give out, so he walked over to the lower bunk and froze suddenly as he stared at it. Swallowing hard, he abruptly turned and walked back to his desk and sat down. He ran a hand over his face, his eyes finally meeting those of Kinch who was now kneeling in front of him, patiently waiting and watching him. "I don't know if I can do it, Kinch. I just don't know if I have the strength to do it."

Kinch smiled. "That's why you have me to lean on, sir. I'll be here should you need to talk about it or if you just need to vent. I promise."

Hogan wearily sighed. "I'll try, Kinch. I promise you. I'll do my best not to let you down."

Kinch smiled. "Never mind about not letting me down, sir. Just heal yourself. That's the only thing you can do for me." The radioman hesitated before he continued. "Colonel, there is one other thing that might help you."

"What's that?"

"We need to get rid of Henrik and for good. I thought…that is we thought you might want to take care of him yourself. We believe by doing that you can eliminate your fear he'll come after you again."

"What are you saying exactly?"

"What I'm saying, Colonel, is that we need to eliminate Henrik to help you get over your fear he'll come after you again. He's the only one left of the four guards who raped you. Get rid of him, you get rid of your fear."

Hogan's eyes narrowed as Kinch's implications were clear and understood. "You're talking about murder. You know how I feel about cold-blooded murder. We're not like the Nazis."

"No, sir, we're not. And I'm not suggesting cold-blooded murder. Hell, we can have the bastard swim to England for all I care. But we have to get rid of him, Colonel, if you're ever going to begin to feel safe again in this camp. I'm talking about you taking back your life. I'm talking about getting rid of your fear. If you can't bring yourself to do it, we'll handle it for you."

As Hogan was about to answer there was a knock on his door. Getting to his feet, Kinch walked over to the door and, opening it, looked to see who it was. He saw Baker standing outside. "It's Baker, sir," he told Hogan looking over his shoulder.

"What is it, Sergeant?" Hogan asked wearily looking past this radioman. He really didn't want somebody else in his quarters right now. He just wanted everybody gone so he could be alone; except for Kinch. Kinch understood what he was feeling.

"Message from London, sir. They have a mission for us," Baker said addressing Hogan. He handed Kinch the slip of paper. Kinch read it before looking at Baker. "Okay, Richard. Tell London message received and acknowledged and we'll take care of it."

"Yes, sir," Baker said. He turned and walked away. Kinch closed the door again and walked back to the desk. Sitting on the bed, he gave the message to the colonel who read it.

"They have to be kidding," Hogan exclaimed while reading the message. He fought hard to keep his hands from trembling. He looked up at Kinch. "Do you know where this location is, Kinch?" he asked in a voice barely above a whisper.

Kinch's eyes narrowed and a look of concern appeared upon seeing Hogan's reaction. "I didn't pay attention, Colonel," he said reaching for and taking the paper from Hogan's trembling fingers. "Where is it?"

Hogan, still stunned, stared blankly into space and looked at nothing. He swallowed hard. "The coordinates are the exact location where Henrik and the others…" Closing his eyes shut, Hogan pinched the bridge of his nose unable to continue.

Kinch re-read the message. Understanding finally, he swallowed the imaginary lump and then looked over at the colonel. The coordinates would take them exactly where the colonel had been raped.