First

"Why do you have this?"

There were so many things to be said. Things to explain. And perhaps, he had unconsciously said it a number of times inside his head, whether awake, or deep asleep.

But it's always at the time you needed it that everything just blunders into nothing. Words you thought you know suddenly just didn't make sense. And thoughts which were actually a part of you, just become so unattached. Disconnected. Scattered.

To slowly present in, little by little, those fragments, carefully and gently saying that there were other people, so many others waiting for Ritsu's return, Takano had been pinning for the right time. But now that everything just turned against him. Guess this was karma at its beginning.

The raven should have heard the gust of wind that sent a number of dried leaves swirling around them. He should have heard the sound of that someone banging into the closed door of one of the establishments, seemingly having the sliding doors stuck from the inside. And he should have heard the dog with its owner from the other side of the streets barking relentlessly.

But he heard absolutely nothing.

Nothing except the pounding in his head. The pounding which was coming from his chest, hammering up towards his skull.

It wasn't even the shocked hatred from those green eyes which had rendered Takano completely immobile. It was the very act of that most important person in his life to take a step back from him, as though he had no such right to even be close.

Can't this man, whom his world had been revolving for the last fucking ten years give him a second to explain?

"Why…do you have this?"

Hazel eyes, although unfocused, wandered from the accusing face down to the picture that Ritsu was holding.

Ritsu glared at the picture. Even from the far angle, Takano could see the shaking in those fingers. He could see the ghastly paleness on the brunette's face. He could see the misery in those simple bodily movements.

Why the hell was this happening again? Just a moment ago they were having fun about clothes? Why would Ritsu look so devastated into having been shown that there was more to him than now?

"This couldn't be right…" Ritsu murmured, obviously an internal thought that he unknowingly blurted out. "I was supposed to be at home…sick…home-schooled…this picture…"

Takano blinked past the stinging in his eyes. Because one moment they were not looking at each other. One second they were. And what Ritsu said shattered even more the already shattered pieces of him.

"This…isn't me."

"I've been looking all over for you."

That was all Takano could say. A helpless, beaten reply. There were more and a hundred strings of things that should be connected with that one sentence. But that was all he could manage to pull out.

Takano stood, and watch every step Ritsu took to turn back, to walk away, to go away from him. With his coat Ritsu just tossed to the ground like some disgusting fabric. With his keys on the cold cement. With the picture again crumpled at the sides. Visible signs of how hard Ritsu had clutched them in. With all the visible signs that Ritsu just rejected him, it wasn't a surprise that an unconscious guttural sound escaped his lips. An injured animal would have sounded better.

Takano just stood there like a block. He didn't follow Ritsu like he should.

He was just at a loss.

He was as lost as he'd been ten years ago. Maybe so much more this time.

"Dad, we need to talk."

The man looking at him through the small window of Skype creased his brows. His father was in his usual three-piece dress suit, the afternoon sunlight seeping through the tiny gap of the thick curtain behind him. Sure, his father was always the first to arrive in his own business, he was also the last to leave. That Shin admired, given his father's age.

"We are already talking," said the mild voice. Age vibrated in the old man's timber, which in all honestly and surprisingly made Shin uncomfortable. This man was a tower of power and strength, but when they were alone, son to father, his dad could just be any dorky guy you'd find on the streets. "Why the long face? You're home early...and Shio? It's six. Give him proper dinner. That kid's just too lazy to look after himself."

The younger Haitani shook his head sideways, a ghost of a smile playing on his lips. "He's not a 'kid' precisely but yeah he's lazy. And I didn't mean to call about his eating patterns. I mean let's have a talk. Face to face. Not face to computer."

A long silence. A very long one it felt heavy and somehow scrutinizing.

"Dad...?"

"Did you see your grandmother's autumn line for her kimonos? She is-"

"Dad." Shin called a little bit sternly this time. His dad was stalling for all its obviousness.

"..." The old man groaned, suddenly slumping back against the head rest of his massive chair. "Be easy lad. I just saw what you wanted to say."

"...since when did you learn to read my mind?"

"...since before you told me you're a dual player?"

"..."

Shin rolled his eyes. He wanted to be serious, business like and well, more formal. He wasn't really buddies with his dad, but a father would always be a father, he guessed.

"It's my baby boy right?" his dad voiced out quite tiredly.

Baby boy. The younger man had wanted to look away. Away from the screen. Away from the sudden sad-stricken face the expression of his old dad has turned into. His father had sounded like he knew he was about to lose his youngest son again.

"Is he happy there?"

"Looks content to me," Shin replied as his eyes got drawn into the boxes of gel pen Shio had brought for him. He didn't know but he ended up snorting. Those pen could probably last him a lifetime. "For now...at least."

The old man on the screen ran a hand over his face. There were lines of unease on his expression.

"Shin. You know I love him right? I know he's not really 'Shio'. But...he's my son. Okay?"

"Dad," Shin sighed, turning away for a minute. Age must have made this man as well to be more open with his emotion and fear. And he honestly looked frightened. Of what lays ahead. Of what would happen. Among all other things besides getting sued, or getting called whatever because of what they did to get through one death. His dad was more frightened of losing another son. "I know he knows that. Just...ready yourselves I guess."

The old man laughed. "Why on earth are you talking like that? I hate it."

"I just feel...we're getting there. Soon."

"Damn you Shin." The old man smiled a little. "The bad part is you're most often right."

Shin watched the old man shuffle into something. Perhaps just stalling time. That was when he decided to just end the video call. He reached for the mouse once more.

"I'm ending the call dad. You should go home."

"Yeah."

Just before Shin could click the 'end' button though, his dad said something. When Shin looked back on the screen there was no one. Just the massive swivel chair and the shadows of his dad probably as he stood by the window.

"You like your brother Shin?"

Shin blinked at the empty chair. "What?"

"Just that Shin...you don't appear as sad about the possibility of us loosing 'Shio'."

Shin took his hand off the mouse. He just completely seated himself on his own chair, unconsciously tapping his foot against the wooden floors of his room.

Shin really wasn't sad about loosing Shio as far as he was concerned. Not when he didn't feel like he was about to lose a younger brother anyway. He'd gone past that. His younger brother had been gone. Long, long ago.

He only wanted the truth to come out. So all the lie would finally halt. And maybe they could really start all over again.

Shin dropped the business magazine he'd been eyeing for the last three hours down his lap. He was on the same page and he couldn't even remember what it had been all about.

The door to the main door just clicked open and close. The sound of soft footsteps filled in the silence of the whole apartment, until he saw Shio walking past him in the living room without so much as a 'hi' or 'hello'.

"Shio. It's eleven PM. You could have sent me anything if you're going to be this late."

The brunette simply paused before directly heading to their small kitchen. Shin stayed on where he was, hearing the sound of water getting dispensed from the dispenser.

"I remember you left the office way ahead of me," Shin continued, his voice loud enough but not accusatory at all. He was just stating a fact. "Next time email or call me. I wouldn't want to hear someone else's voice again from your phone. They don't always turn out good."

After a long silence, Shin started creasing his brows. He might as well have talked to the air or the gold fishes in their tank with the dead silence that he got as a reply.

"Shio?"

No answer.

Shin finally stood and headed for the kitchen, which was just really close the dining area, separated by a ceiling to floor cabinet serving as a partition. Shio was still by the sink. Blatantly ignoring his presence.

Shin grinned a little. "What the hell is this? Some teenage tantrum?"

Shio reached for the hand towel hanging by the fridge's door. He dried his hands there, and kept on doing it as if he was trying to wipe off his hands something else.

When Shin still got nothing as a reply, he started walking from the cabinet, next to Shio by the sink. He leaned a bit, just enough to get a clearer view of the face hidden by messy, all over the place brown hair as if the younger guy just ran a mile and more.

The next thing that Shin saw somehow unnerved him. It struck him as odd because he was never the 'soft' type. So great, that he felt he was about to go angry for something he wasn't even aware about.

"What happened to you?" Shin breathe out, barely hiding the edge in his voice. "Your eyes are swollen."

So that was why Shio was bent over the sink, splashing cold water over his face. But it didn't do good in calming the redness and the puff around his eyes. The drippings of water, and the way they lingered from the tips of Shio's brown hair made him look more vulnerable. Lost. Tempting?

Shin shifted his weight on his other leg, pushing back the most ridiculous idea that had gone in his head.

"What the hell is wrong?" Shin asked again. Although he could ask the same question towards himself. "You go home like someone robbed you and you expect me to just ignore it?"

"Someone did rob me." Shio finally gritted, the grip he had on the hand-towel obviously tightening.

"What?" Shin's crossed arms fell on his sides. And concern to anger to concern again then more anger passed on his face. "Where-what-why didn't you call me? Are you hurt? Did the police get him? Fuck the bastard…"

The brunette let the hand-towel free and gazed up. Weirdly, there was a little smile on his face.

"It's okay Nii-san. All my stuff are intact. Just…I got away."

"You got away?" Shin repeated, doubtlessly unconvinced.

"I got away. I needed to get away because he was about to rob me of things important right?"

"Yeah?" Shin was beginning to frown. In confusion. In gut tightening concern.

"So I ran as fast and best as I could. But then…I think I lost more? Maybe if I had stayed…something would click?"

"Are you stupid? Who stays with a robber to understand why they are doing the robbing?"

Shio laughed a tired laugh.

"Are you really sure, you're sure?"

"Yeah."

"Headache?"

"None."

"Food?"

"…uhm…"

With the silence that said very much what Shin had been expecting, he turned towards the sink and glared up at the cupboard. He reached out to the non-stick pan and shuffled then to the cabinets below.

"You are going to make dad and that old hag murder me you know? I just talked to dad earlier and the first thing he says is to feed you properly. Go clean up while I fix you something. You're turning out to be so good at innocently slaving me."

When from the corner of his eye, Shin noticed that Shio was still as stuck and frozen on his spot near the fridge, as two minutes before, he looked back to his side.

"You're standing there is not making the food cook any faster. Move on, you're actually in the way."

Shio did step away to Shin's relief. The punk stepped away, only to take two steps closer, suddenly in the craziness of the world resting his damn forehead against Shin's right shoulder.

"Let's get you to the hospital and have you examined anyway." Shin said, tensing at the sight of the head against him. Tensing at the proximity. Tensing at e-ve-ry-thing.

"Just…please…"

"…"

Shin drew a deep breath, externally he was calm as an unperturbed lake. Worry, discomfort, all jumbled into one was beneath, almost blurring the always clear scene under. The initial thought of action was to calmly step aside and get the younger man sleep. In his room. Away. At a safe distance.

Yet the more monopolizing feeling, which was ran by his instincts, was just to stand there plain and simple.

"..."

And plain and simple Shin did. Tossing and sauteing the mixed vegetables next, he tried to even use his other hand more so as not to disturb what hell of confusion the other was going through. A confusion that needed some leaning to for support, or probably a need for shield against fear.

Shio didn't have to say anything. Shin kind of read it. Read it through the green eyes. Sensed it to his skittish movements. Felt it from his weak voice. Shio might have seen or learned something related to the blur of the half of his life. A flashback. A moment.

Shin narrowed his eyes, remembering the KATAI Director and the determination in the man's eyes to somehow make his existence that was obviously a part of Shio's past, be a part of the brunette's present. Maybe someone.

So sauteing Shin did, the clamber of pan and the cooking utensil in his hand, along with the soft sound of sizzling strangely sounded calming.

Brothers and more, blood-tied or not, he knew he had developed a new 'tie' that was beginning to form a strong hold and massive grip around his heart.

It took him a decade to finally find his footing. To gain a little confidence. To be able to look ahead. To settle his own mind. Ten long years and everything was slowly falling in place. At least that was how it looked. He's got a life rolling in front of him. He's got dreams to pursue. He's got feelings to tuck away but treasure still.

Ten long solid years that was. And it only took ten seconds and a picture of his young self smiling shyly back at him to see his life falling in shatter once again.

Weak. That was all he was feeling. Yet at the same time he could feel every nerve on his body tingling with every fiber of that nostalgia. Nostalgia of pain, madness, fleeting happiness, and then distrust.

He just needed to breathe. And breathe somehow he was able to do with his older brother Shin. The thought that he might not even be an older brother in reality made him want to scream. Be angry at everything. That little voice had always been there anyway. Way before Shin was still the cold, harsh brother, up until now that he'd mellowed down a bit. Shio always felt or heard this little voices of doubt. But who in their right mind would want to entertain that?

He liked the now. He hated that past. That he was sure. Maybe because of that Saga in his dreams. Maybe because of so much more. Maybe that was even the reason he decided to embrace the sea when he knew he couldn't even stay afloat. Maybe he had wanted to actually erase everything and be someone else. Maybe this was really what he wanted from the beginning?

A round of seconds in the clock, and Shio finally stepped away. Hiding a much reddish eyes, showing a more pronounced ease of breathing.

"Better?" Shin asked without turning. His gaze fixed at the buttered vegetables.

Shio in all honesty didn't want to let go. He'd liked the feeling of his forehead against the fabric of his older brother's shirt. He had liked that he was able to get a bit of that heat to calm down the blizzard going on inside of him. He'd been ripped senseless by that hazel-eyes. He'd found instant peace in Shin's presence.

"Thank you."

"Is this really a robbing thing? Or this is in truth about those flashbacks with the guy you said you'd been...you know?"

Shio didn't even flinch. Somehow dots were connecting. Little, vague, but they still create pictures. One he didn't even want to see. Saga. Takano. He only felt a rush of coldness, finally seeing their semblance, seeing the odd differences amidst the grainy pictures of his blasted and broken memories.

"Don't want to talk about him."

Shin had finished preparing the table. A very light meal with a glass of warm milk set meticulously with inborn class. He wasn't an owner of a casual/formal seafood restaurant for nothing.

The man threw a glance at their shared bathroom. He'd been with the brunette far long not to notice that Shio was being inside there longer than he normally would. But instead of pounding against the door, asking and demanding if Shio had already fainted or was already being plagued by headaches, he just waited. He seated himself back at the couch facing the ever peaceful swimming goldfishes.

"..."

He only listened to the very faint sound of water and decided to flip back into his magazines when something broke off the silence. Shin looked back at the closed bathroom door and looked back down at the bag tossed on the low table.

The man narrowed his eyes. He wasn't sure if Shio purposely left the bag there when he could have tossed it back in his own room first. For some reason, Shio left his bag, his phone, his jacket on the low table as if he didn't want to bring any of his stuff into his room. As if something in those things would contaminate his space.

Shin tried to ignore the buzzing and low hum of an instrumental, thinking it would end soon enough.

But it didn't.

The caller, whoever it was would end the call, then call again. And Shin eventually missed how many of cycle that had been. So curious enough, he dropped his magazine, and poked at the bag.

Very clearly the phone of Shio's screen said "First". Shin picked up the phone and headed close to the bathroom door. He tapped at the door with the back of his knuckles and when he heard the sound of water had stopped, he drew a deep breath.

"Who on Earth puts 'First' as a name for their contact? 'First' what?" Shin asked. He waited but Shio never made a comment.

Shin frowned at the phone which finally went silent, only to flash for the 35th call. "Shio, Mr or Ms 'first" is calling you nonstop. I think you better answer this."

"Shi-"

"Turn the phone off please."

And that was it. The sound of running water came back again, as if a subtle yet obvious sign that the brunette didn't want to do anything with the 'first'. It was a bit odd that Shin somehow at the back of his head knew who the caller was. He felt a little, just a little bit, disturbed. Because the irony was there. 'First' friend? 'First' relationship? First whatever, it could be anything and Shio had typed it in when he had no complete memory of everything.

Shin did nothing. He didn't turn off the phone. But he didn't answer it either. The moment he dropped the phone back into Shio's leather bag, it was his own phone that started ringing.

He ran a hand to the back of his neck thinking if he should answer the call or not. But he did.

"Director Takano. I wonder what made you call at this time?"

"Is he home?" The voice sounded groggy, tired and even broken.

Shin began to seat back on his favorite spot on the couch. Maybe because both of them had been on the same page since that night at the KATAI anniversary that not much words were needed to understand what they were pertaining to.

"Yes. He is."

"I was worried. He's not answering his phone."

"He's fine."

There was a long silence.

"Can I talk to him for a bit?"

Shin sighed. "I get the feeling he really doesn't want to talk to you right now. What happened?"

There was no reply and in reality, Shin didn't expect that the raven would tell him anything. He completely got the idea.

"Takano-san," Shin said, neither animosity nor friendliness present, just civil. "I think you should give it a rest for now. It's obvious he's not taking it well, with you...whatever happened between you guys earlier, he's not happy. Too much stress isn't going to help you or him, everyone of us for that matter."

Shin could hear heavy breathing from the other line. As if Takano was debating. As if the raven was being torn about what he was about to say.

"...Look after him."

Then Shin noticed Shio step out. From the brunette's room straightly heading to the dining table where the food had been set. Shio stared at the food then threw a glance over Shin where their eyes met.

It wasn't the first time they looked at each other obviously. They see each other everyday for Pete's sake. But for the first time Shin didn't ignore the electricity. He didn't even fight the pull to see those green eyes closer. Hell, he would be lying if he said that it wasn't taking now every sensible fiber in him to calm the beast in there that was beginning to stir.

Shin then stood saying, "You don't have to tell me."

And then Shin dropped the call.

Chapter end notes:

Hello you awesome guys! :) Sorry for the wait. I had the chapter ready since last week but I didn't want to post a short one. I make it a point that I post at least 3500 words or more you know. Like that is my personal goal. Hahaha…so there you go.

Shin dropped the call. Because I dropped my phone for the nth time (see the connection?) haha. And I think the phone really hates me now because it's starting to act funny. I could hear people but they couldn't hear me when they call me. LoL.

Anyway, thanks for the patience. I finally was able to check back on a few of the ongoing series other than this particular one and I'm torn what to update the next. Suddenly I want to update them all. But I am not an octopus with so many hands. T_T

Thanks again for your time.

Okay, so it's been a while since I blabbered for this long. Which is a sign that I am really stressssssssssssssssed. Ahaha, anyway. Yup. That's it.

Please share your thoughts.

~shuusetsu

PS 2: I want to share to you something that had me going 'wow' and reading that line over and over again. because it's so short but meant so much. I am having a novel reading marathon and read this from 'Cross and Crown';

"The value of words is measured by those who read them."