Life had to go on. For Derek, it had to go on. It had to go on because he couldn't not go on. He couldn't lay there. It made him too sick. He had to go back to work. He had to go on. And he did. He went back to work. He tried to go on. But everyday was painful. He thought the pain would dull. It didn't. It grew. It flourished. And he suffered.
Meredith suffered. It was an emotional turmoil that wouldn't go away. It wouldn't stop. She tried to drown it out with Liam. She tried to stop it. It wouldn't. It laughed in her face. She wasn't happy then. She wasn't happy now. She was bound to be miserable. She was bound to live out her days in suffering.
Meredith begrudgingly dropped Liam off at daycare. She hated it. She hated it more than anything. It was a problem. But she wasn't seeing it. She was blinded by love. She was getting attached to Liam. Liam was a replacement for everything she was feeling. Derek was gone, and he was her everything. And everything that she poured into him, just made him more clingy.
"Hey." Izzie said as Meredith walked into the locker room.
"Hey, Iz." Meredith muttered as she sat on the bench.
"Is everything okay?" Izzie asked her as she looked up.
"Yeah. Fine. Just tired." Meredith muttered in monotone as she changed into her scrubs.
"Is it true... What the nurses are saying?" Izzie asked with a frown.
"Dude... Did you and Shepherd really get divorced?" Alex asked with shock as he walked in.
"Of course she divorced McAss." Cristina spat loudly.
"Yes, Derek and I are done." Meredith said quietly as she pulled her lab coat. It was the one that said Dr. Meredith Grey on it.
"Oh my god... Your name." George said in shock.
"You went back?" Izzie questioned with surprise.
"I haven't been Meredith Grey in a very, very long time." Meredith said with a frown. "I need her back."
"Okay then..." Alex said as he turned away.
Meredith hadn't been Meredith Grey since she was eighteen. She hadn't been Meredith Grey in a long time. She was hoping it would change. Maybe she could find the strength to go on as Meredith Grey. She walked into the hallway, seeing the nurses pointing. They were already circling the carcass. And maybe if someone picked him up, she could forget him.
"Dr. Shepherd-- Oh, Grey." Jason Crane said as he looked up at her.
"Is that what we call you now?" Katie Jennison asked as she looked up.
"Is that what it says on my coat?" Meredith snapped, wondering why they were asking her such a stupid question.
"Um...Yeah." Jason said meekly.
"Okay, then." Meredith grumbled as she looked up. "Shit..."
"What..." Katie muttered as she looked up. "Oh my god... Is that?"
"Meredith." Ellis said as she walked up. "I heard." She said quietly.
"You guys go..." Meredith told them. "Gallery."
"Meredith." Ellis repeated as she looked at he daughter. "Let's go..." She told her softly as she walked her to an empty exam room. She walked her in and slowly shut the door. "Is it true?"
"We haven't had a good relationship. If I wasn't hating you, you were hating me. And right now I am in pain. Right now, I can't breathe. I need you to be my mom. I need my mom... Please... I can't take anything else right now." Meredith said as she looked at the floor.
Ellis rushed over to her daughter. What Meredith felt amazed her. Ellis wrapped her warm arms around her, holding her tighter than she ever had. Ellis had never been soft. She had never been caring. But her daughter needed her. She needed her to be a mother. As Ellis ran her hands through her hair, Meredith sobbed. She broke down.
"Oh mommy..." Meredith cried out loudly. "What did I do?"
"I know, baby. I know." Ellis muttered as she held her tightly.
"I- It hurt. I just wanted the pain to stop." Meredith cried out.
"Calm down, baby. Calm down." Ellis said as she held her.
Meredith laid against her mother. They never had that. It was a moment when things would change forever. It was monumental. The feeling that washed over Meredith didn't make the pain go away. But it helped. It helped dull the sting from the self-induced bite. Meredith needed her, and Ellis took care of her daughter.
"I'm so sorry, honey. I'm sorry it came to this. I could never wish this on anyone. With John, I knew... I knew that you didn't want to marry him. I pushed you into it, and I am so sorry I did. But Derek... I thought it was forever. I should have never let Richard make him chief. I should have never let this happen. It's too hard. With a family, it's too damn hard. Damn-it honey, I am so sorry." Ellis said sadly. "I know you love him. And I know he loves you."
"I just don't know how to go on. I don't know how. I go home and I lay in the bed, and I know he isn't coming home. Before, I could hope. Now there is no hope. There is no hope. He will never come home. I drove him away. I couldn't fight. I should have, but I didn't have it in me." Meredith said as she cried.
"That's okay, honey. You can only do what you can do. I know I haven't been a good mother, but I'm here. I am here for you." Ellis said as she stroked her back. "How is my grandson?"
"He's in daycare downstairs. He's good. He's good, mom. He doesn't know... But he will. Someday I will have to tell him." Meredith cried into her hands.
"Meredith... It will be okay." Ellis told her firmly. "I promise. Do you hear me?"
"Yes." Meredith said with a faint nod.
"Are you okay?" Ellis asked softly.
"I will be... I hope." Meredith said with a frown as she to the door. "Thank you."
"You don't have to thank me. That is what I am supposed to do." Ellis said with a smile as Meredith walked out.
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Meredith was sick. She had to work with Derek. She had to be on his service for the day. That was a cruel joke. That was as inhumane as ever. She grabbed her intern and made her way to the patient's room. She had to go in and face a man that she cut out of her life. She had to stand across from him in the operating room. Her stomach flipped it was a mess.
"Dr. Shepherd." Meredith muttered as she walked in.
"Dr. Grey." Derek said frankly.
The tension was high. Jason Crane could barely stand to be in the room. He almost had to take out a knife to see the patient. Derek and Meredith were trying to be cicvil but the pain and anger between them was more than apparent as they glared at each other. It was going to be a fun day. And not in a good way.
"Dr. Crane, can you please present?" Meredith asked him as she shoved the chart at him. "Today." She growled when he didn't answer.
"Oh! Uh... Mrs. Kraygen is in for a possible carpal tunnel release. She has been experiencing hand and wrist pain, along with numbness caused from compression of the medial nerve. Dr. Shepherd may have to open her wrists up and relieve the pressure." Jason explained as he read the chart.
"Good." Derek agreed. "I want you to do an x-ray and a EMG/NCS. Get back to me with the results. So you have any questions, Mrs. Kraygen?" He asked with a smile.
"Well... Are you guys fighting or something? There seems to be a lot of tension in the air." She asked as she looked between the two of them.
"They just got divorce." Jason said quickly.
"Dr. Crane! A word..." Meredith growled as she walked out with him.
"Don't you ever! Ever! Think of doing that again. Your personal life, mine, Derek's, that is no one's business. Period. I don't care. And I never want to see or hear it again. Do you understand me?" She yelled as she glared into his eyes.
"Ye- Yes, Dr. Grey." He replied meekly.
"Go run the damn tests!" She yelled as she pointed to the room.
"I can take you off the case." Derek told her as he walked out.
"Why would you do that?" Meredith asked quickly as she looked into his blue eyes.
"Well, I was just trying to help you out. Trying to keep the tension down." He pointed out frankly.
"There is no tension. I am fine." Meredith growled as she walked away.
"I'm not." Derek muttered under his breath as he watched her walk away.
Meredith wasted time while she waited for the patient to be prepped. She was steaming. He was suggesting that she couldn't handle it. He was basically saying her emotions would get the best of her. She was a surgeon. She was hardcore. She could handle anything. Standing across the table from Derek was nothing. That's what she said. But that didn't explain why she went into the scrub room late to avoid him. That was a while different ball of wax.
"Dr. Grey. How nice of you to join us. Even your intern managed to make it here on time." Derek muttered as he looked up at her.
"Sorry." She grumbled as she stepped up to the table.
"So what was it you were so busy doing?" Derek asked as he looked up.
"I don't think that is any of your business." Meredith told him as she looked at the surgical site.
"Well, considering you were the one that was late, I don't think that question was out of line." Derek told her as he looked up.
"No." She stated, refusing to look up at him. "We are not going there, Derek."
"Dr. Crane... Please explain to the gallery about carpal tunnel syndrome." Derek said quickly.
"Well... Carpal tunnel syndrome is a common problem that affects the use of your hand, and is caused by compression of the median nerve at the wrist. It most often occurs when the median nerve in the wrist becomes inflamed after being aggravated by repetitive movements such as typing on a computer keyboard or playing the piano. The "carpal tunnel" is formed by the bones, tendons and ligaments that surround the median nerve..." He went on. Derek looked at Meredith.
"You know there was a time when you wanted to be in the OR with me. Do you remember that?" Derek asked as he looked at her.
"Do you remember the time when you actually wanted a family? I think you even said you could quit your job and stay home forever. Do you remember that?" Meredith snapped as she looked up at him.
"It's-" Derek started to defend himself.
"No...We are divorced, Derek. None of this matters anymore." Meredith told him with a sigh.
"It would be nice to know what went wrong. For the future." Derek explained as he worked on the woman's wrist.
"Oh... Are you planning on moving on already?" Meredith asked nastily.
"I didn't say that. But what if I was?" He asked, wanting to see what she would say.
"Oh. I see. You're ready to move on. You couldn't find time for Liam and I, but you are ready to move on to the next. Will you take care of your new family, Derek? Or will you just sleep on your sofa bed?" She asked quickly.
"Why are you doing this? Why are you- You are just going to upset yourself." Derek told her frankly.
"Shut up. Just... Shut the hell up. I can't talk to you." She growled loudly.
"See, you're already getting upset." He pointed out,
"I am not upset. I don't get upset. You- I have no feelings." She spat angrily.
"And now you are lying to yourself too I see." Derek explained as he looked up.
"I don't like you, Derek Shepherd." Meredith said with a frown.
"You did. At one point, you really liked me." Derek said with a chuckle.
"You're an ass. Just stop. Stop talking to me. I am trying to work here." Meredith told him, avoiding his eyes.
"Hmm..." Derek replied with a smile. He just one that battle. But the war... Far from over.
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Meredith changed out of her dirty scrubs. She was on Derek's service all day. Everyone was talking about them. They were the best gossip in ages. The ones that got divorced and argued in the OR. The ones that fought in the hallway. But the worst comment of all, was the one that bothered her the most, they still loved each other. Truer words never rang.
Meredith sleepily walked down the hospital hallway. She was exhausted. It was mental. She could handle the long hours that the hospital threw on her. It was the hours with Derek that sucked the life out of her. Meredith quickly walked in and collected Liam and his things from the daycare. She couldn't wait to get home.
The house was dark. She hated that. The house was always her safe haven. Bit she knew Derek would be home. And now he wasn't. He wouldn't be coming home. Now when she got in the house, a small part of her feared for her safety. Derek was her protector. And now she was alone. In the woods.
Meredith looked down at her smiling son. He looked as if life was perfect. The smile on his face temporarily made her forget all of her pain. It made her forget everything she was feeling. She quickly scooped him up and walked up the stairs. She had to give him a bath. That was something Derek liked to do. Back when he cared.
Liam was cranky when she laid him down. His diaper felt hard and heavy. A frown covered her face when she pulled it off. He was red and raw. Swollen. His diaper felt like it hadn't been changed in hours. She picked it up and threw it in the trash with a thump. This wasn't the first time. But it would be the last.
It was just one more thing to add to her list. Now she had to find a nanny. She hadn't been happy with the care at the hospital. It was okay, but it wasn't for them. It wasn't individualized. Karen had her hands more than full and Liam needed someone that had the time to get to know him.
Meredith took care of Liam and put him to sleep. Her heart broke for him. She couldn't imagine the burning that he was feeling. She felt like a bad mother. What kind of parent lets it get that bad? He should have been taken care of. She shouldn't have to bring him home and bandage him up like a broken mess.
Meredith slowly walked into their room. It was her room. There was no their anymore. In fact, this big house they had built was now hers. All hers. And it was empty. Five bedrooms was far too many for one person and a baby. As Meredith sank down in the hot bath, she thought back.
[iMeredith laid back in the hot bath water. It was perfect. That was the one thing that she insisted she had. She needed a good bathtub. She needed a place where she could relax after a day at the hospital. And now she had it. That was how it was, Derek gave her whatever she wanted. A smile crossed her face as she laid there with her eyes closed.
"Don't you have a smug look on your face..." Derek said with a chuckle as he walked into the bathroom.
"Possibly." She told him with a giggle. "I was just thinking about how lucky I am."
"So true." Derek pointed out. "Why are you lucky again?"
"Because I have you." Meredith said with a smile.
"Oh yes, that's it." Derek agreed with a nod.
"So are you going to stand there, or are you going to strip down and join me?" Meredith asked as she looked it him through hooded lids.
"Hmm... I guess it depends on how nicely you ask me..." Derek told her with a grin.
"Please?" She asked as she looked up.
"Of course." He agreed as he pulled his shirt off.
Meredith sat and watched as Derek peeled off his clothing and abandoned it on the floor nest to hers. The waster rose around her as he climbed into the bathtub. She smiled at him as she looked across at him. He put his hand out, and she grabbed it. Derek pulled her around and she laid her back against him. Derek's hands ran up her thighs. She let out a soft moan as he reached her hipbones and massaged circles. His large hands traveled up her torso and ran up her breasts, his palms rubbing her nipples. He teased them into hardened peeks before moving back down to her abdomen.
"How is my baby?" Derek asked as he placed his hands on her stomach.
"Safe." Meredith told him as she turned her head and kissed him.
"Of course, he's in his mom's belly. That's the safest place to be." Derek told her as he kissed her neck.
"I'm scared, Derek. What if- Bella... I just-" Meredith said quickly.
"It will be fine." Derek assured her. "I promise you, it will be just fine." He told her again. "We will be the perfect family."[/i
Meredith slowly slid under the water. She was safe there. When she was there, it was quiet. It was comfortable. The tears could join the bath water and never be seen. It was a good place. A place that she hated to come back from. A place where she wished she could stay. And she really had to think about it. It was so easy to stay.