Ch 21: Welcome Home
It was late at night and Alex stood in his crib, rubbing his eyes as he looked out the window. No one noticed that he was awake looking up at the moon. He wasn't sure why he was doing it, he just knew it comforted him immensely and so when he couldn't sleep and there was a clear sky; he always did it. The large nursery room was full of the sound of crying babies and it was keeping him awake. Alex barely cried anymore; figuring that there was no point. In his head he clung to this faint image: long blonde hair. It was soft and beautiful and the thought of it covering his body, comforted him, soothing him deep down inside his soul. At that point the boy always started giggling and smiling, and remembering giggling and smiling…and then he saw this smile, this big beautiful smile, a lady's smile…and then suddenly. It all stopped and his memory was gone, as quickly as it had come.
Alex swallowed nervously, disengaging his gaze from the golden moon that hung up above. He sighed, allowing his chubby little legs away before falling onto his bottom with a thud. Every time this came to him, he always found himself soothed somewhere inside, but also sadder, lost maybe…the little boy began to suck his thumb as he looked back up at the window, growing weary and then tired as he fell asleep.
…
"Mama, Dadda where go?" Emma had asked as soon as they put her in the car that morning. Timothy and Jude had exchanged silent glances unsure of what to say.
"Back to Boston." Timothy said simply as he started the car. They drove in relative silence, and neither of her parents ever bothered to explain where they were going or that life for her was about to change forever.
Jude was nervous about going to St. Ursula's. She'd sent so many babies there over her years at Briarcliff and she felt irreparably guilty. She held Emma closely on her lap and cuddled her as Timothy drove, terrified that somehow her own child would get taken away that day as repayment for the families she'd separated while she was head of Briarcliff. Jude knew of course that this was ridiculous but she couldn't let the thought go. Jude was so focused on this in fact; that she'd dolled Emma up more than usual that day to make it evident that the child was superbly well cared for. She'd given Emma a bath, brushed out her blonde baby hair, put her in a beautiful pink and red dress and finally placed a bonnet on her head. Emma looked the part of a 1950's baby, in addition to one that was impeccably well cared for.
Even so, Jude almost wished that they'd left Emma home with the unstable Mary. Instead they'd brought her. She was jittery about what had happened to Mary's son. As angry as she was with Mary for having been with her husband, the idea that her baby had been taken away sickened and saddened her. Mary didn't deserve that, and neither did the boy. She couldn't imagine being forcibly parted with her Emma; she didn't think either of them would survive it.
"Emma Scarlett Howard, yar Mama loves ya more than she's ever loved anyone in her whole life." She whispered in her baby's ear as she wrapped her blanket around her. Emma yawned and Jude hoped that she'd be asleep while they were at the orphanage.
Mary had been hysterical since she'd first mentioned the baby and although she'd become calmer, Jude was a little afraid she'd harm herself while they were gone. Timothy had gone to great lengths to comfort her, ensuring that he still had some pull at St. Ursula's, he had, after all, been the Monsignor.
"I'm going to get him Mary." He'd said. "I won't come back with my arms empty…I promise." Timothy had had the urge to point out to her that he knew the boy in question was their son but because of her instability, he decided to wait. He only hoped now that he could fulfill his promise and not break her heart. Even his was breaking and he'd never met his son.
"Mama where go?" Emma asked, rubbing her eyes.
"We're going to get Mary's baby." She finally said, playing with her fingers.
Timothy swallowed, nervous about how he was going to explain to Jude that this was his child too…he worried that it would be evident once they met him and that he'd loose his wife and his precious daughter…the best things that had ever happened to him…
What scared Timothy more is that he was more panicked by the prospect that he wouldn't find the boy than he was about his wife's anger. It was up to him to do it, for all their sakes, and his first act as this child's Father….he knew that if he failed at this, at finding his son, it would haunt him forever, because even not having met him, he loved the little boy just as he did his Emma and he couldn't live a life not knowing where he was.
"Baby." Emma repeated.
"Yeah. That's right." Jude laughed. "Are ya a baby, yes ya are yar my baby and yar gonna go meet another baby." Emma giggled.
…
Jude held Emma tightly on her hip as they entered St. Ursula's. The fear that someone would try to take her baby intensified now and she knew it was ridiculous but she couldn't stop thinking that way. Emma sensed her Mother's fear and it made her nervous. She sucked on her thumb quietly, looking around every which way as her parents solemnly made their way to the administration office of the children's home. All Emma saw here were bigger kids and all the heard was the sound of other smaller babies crying. She was somewhat afraid she was going to be left there.
"Do you have someone to drop off?" The Nun at the desk asked, she saw the three of them out of the corner of her eye, but still maintained the majority of her focus on the file she'd been looking up.
Jude jumped at this and her heart began to pound very fast, she held Emma much tighter now and Emma clung to her too now, having sort of understood the woman's words.
"No." Timothy said quickly, grabbing Jude's hand. "We have someone to pick up actually."
"Oh?" She asked. "Oh….Monsignor!" The Nun looked up, recognizing him finally.
"Oh I'm not the Monsignor anymore Maria, it's just Timothy now. Sister Maria, this is my wife, Jude, also a Sister, at one time."
"Oh…hello." Timothy and Jude were surprised that Sister Maria seemed pleasantly surprised by this.
'He fell in love with a nun?' She wondered. 'That's why he'd left the church? Well…too bad he didn't run away with me.' Maria thought Timothy was handsome she was about to say something else when Timothy spoke.
"And this is our daughter, Emma. We're here to pick up a little boy who..."
"Well if you want to adopt a second child we…"
"His name is Alexander McKee. He is Sister Mary Eunice's baby."
"Oh…" Timothy was concerned when her tone changed completely. "We've not been authorized to release Alexander to anyone, including his Mother. She's in Briarcliff you know."
"So he's here?" Timothy's heart began to race. Now he was more scared than ever, but he felt some hope. At least he'd found him.
"Yes but he…"
"Sister, it's a rather long and confusing story. I would rather not bore you and humiliate my wife with the details." Jude looked up in surprise when he said this. It confused her deeply. "But I came to get my son and I have no intention of leaving without him. He's been in an orphanage for months when he has a parent who wants him and has a home for him. This is ridiculous."
"Y-you're his Father?"
"Yes I am. And Sister Mary Eunice is his Mother."
"Well, these seem to be unusual circumstances…if what you say is true we'll have to release him to you. I'll be right back with my superior."
"T-Timothy, what?" Jude asked tearfully when Sister Maria left the room. She held her baby close, feeling disconnected from everything but her now that Timothy had said this.
"Jude. I think I might be Alexander's Father. He was born nine months practically to the day from the time that Mary…I was going to tell you privately. I haven't even confronted Mary on it yet; she's been too upset. But saying I'm his Father, even if it turns out it's not true, might be the only thing that gets him out of this place and I know he doesn't deserve to be here. You said yourself that we had to get him out, now please. Help me."
Jude, placed her face in her baby's hair as she began to cry.
"Please Timothy, she was out of control! She raped you she was trying to kill me, I have a feeling he could be a lot of people's baby!"
"Yes, but there's also every chance he is mine."
"Do ya want him if he is?"
"Yes. Yes I do. He's my child just as Emma is."
….
Sister Maria understood immediately that Jude had had no idea that Alexander was Timothy's son. She'd tried in vein to hide her tear stained face but it hadn't worked and she felt badly for her. By this point, Jude had sat with Timothy for hours, filling out paperwork, a fussy baby on her lap. Maria had tried to persuade Jude to allow her to care for Emma for a while, or to take her somewhere for her to play with other children, but Jude repeatedly declined, preferring to keep her baby, the only thing in the world she was sure about anymore, in her arms.
Finally, when Jude didn't think she'd be able to stand Emma's squirming anymore, the boy was brought out to them. Jude's heart softened when she saw the baby. He was crying and looked around at everyone with a hint of terror and confusion in his tiny eyes, eyes that belonged undoubtedly to Mary Eunice.
"Here he is Timothy. He's all yours." The Priest who ran the orphanage said when Maria placed him in his arms. The baby shrilled when he was placed in Timothy's arms.
Timothy took a deep breath in as he gazed down at the little boy. Alex was afraid and didn't notice Timothy's warm, kind eyes as they gazed down on him. Instead Alex just continued to shrill in fear. Timothy held the boy carefully, at first staring in amazement, and then looking down at his tiny hands. The experience was not so different than meeting a newborn child for the first time. Timothy felt a very immediate connection when he held the boy and in an instant both he and Jude knew he'd been right. This was without a doubt his child.
"Hello son." He smiled kindly.
All of this scared Emma and she buried her head in her Mom's chest. Jude rubbed Emma's back as she watched Timothy cuddle the boy, sadly seeing a resemblance not necessarily between him and Timothy, but worse, between him and Emma. She couldn't imagine anyone looking more like Emma's brother; it was as though they were a matching set. Jude didn't think of it at the time, but it was also as if the child had come from her. He could certainly more than pass for her son.
"Oh there, there, it's alright." Timothy shushed. "Your Father's got you now and all is going to be alright." He whispered.
Jude swallowed the lump in her throat. It hurt to watch her husband be as affectionate with this baby as he could be with theirs. She noted tears welling up in Timothy's eyes and making their way down his cheeks.
"Now Timothy…I have something, something difficult to tell you." Father Bernard, the head of the orphanage informed.
"What could that be?" He almost laughed. "I have both of my children now!"
"Well Timothy; that's the thing…there are some, entanglements."
"What entanglements, you just said he's all mine!"
"He is. But there are terms. On the part of the Holy Roman Catholic Church, you must confess and formally recognize that this bastard baby boy is yours, even though you are married to a woman who is not his Mother. It's a sin, Timothy, you know that…"
"Bernard. I'm sure you know about the state of his Mother."
"Yes…apparently possessed." Bernard raised an eyebrow. He didn't totally believe this.
"I was not married to Jude at the time his Mother became pregnant." Timothy continued. "We married some months later, in May." Jude felt sick listening to this and put her head down. Father Bernard felt awful for her, and sensed her shame and pain.
"Still Timothy; you were a Priest at the time. Do you recognize this bastard boy as your son?"
"Yes Father I do." Jude's heart sunk when he said this.
"Alright; you must confess formally before you leave…and aside from this, there's something we must tell you about the custody papers you signed, which, I'm sorry I had to keep from you until you agreed to confess." Timothy and Jude were both confused by Father Bernard's explanation.
"You see Tim." Father Bernard Thomas began speaking more casually to his old friend after forcing him to admit Fathering a child out of wedlock. "You now have soul legal custody of Alexander. It is your right to keep him, and make all of the parenting decisions for him. As a result, your wife, because she is your wife, also has a part in that custody and would retain full custody in the event of your death or incapacity." Timothy froze.
"W-what about his Mother?"
"Mary Eunice has lost all of her legal privileges as his Mother." Jude didn't know why but her heart sunk at this too. "And if you ever get in contact with her." He continued. "You may grant her those privileges as you wish."
Timothy was stunned by this information. His son was not only his, but all his. Jude kept quiet on this, wondering how Timothy planned to handle all of this. He would most certainly keep the boy, but what would become of Mary?
Alex cried all the way to the car, terrified now that he was being taken away from the orphanage. He hadn't cried in weeks, but he was truly terrified and now seemed like the time. In the car, he looked over at Jude; her long blonde hair caught his eye and confused him deeply. Emma sat, scared on her lap and even though his tears, he watched Jude and Emma carefully, noting that they were Mother and child. Suddenly, something snapped in his head.
That's what it was, his memory of long blonde hair, his Mother. Alex had forgotten about his Mommy. It had been months since he'd seen her and being so very little it was the long blonde hair that had stuck in his mind over anything else. Alex observed Jude's long blonde hair and wondered for a moment, if she was his Mom. But she had this other baby in her arms, one who wouldn't look at him. He studied Jude carefully, looking up with wide eyes, trying hard to remember Mommy. He couldn't see her face in his mind, but remembered just enough to know that Jude was not her. Once he realized she wasn't his Mom, he was even more terrified. At the same time, the sight of her hair comforted him because it made him think of his Mommy and enabled him to remember a little better.
"I make ya feel better, don't I sweet baby?" Jude asked, bringing Alex close to her. He whimpered but finally stopped crying when she did this, deciding that he liked her even if she wasn't his Mother. By this time a half hour had passed and Alex's crying had almost made him sick. "Shu…" Jude soothed, combing her fingers through Alex's hair as he began to get sleepy on Jude. "Go ta sleep, we'll be home when ya wake up, babydoll."
Timothy said nothing, but was blown away by how sweet his wife could be to his son, his son who wasn't hers.
"Jude can't you see he's my son?" Timothy inquired.
"Y-yes I can." She said sadly.
"Does he look like me?" Timothy almost gasped, making it clear to his wife that he was blown away.
"He does. He looks just like you."
"And like Emma." He added.
"I can see where they're brother and sister." Somehow, this pained her more.
"I'm sorry Jude…I never met for…"
"I know...don't say anything else about it. Please, Timothy."
…..
Both Emma and Alex were asleep when they got home. The house was quiet and Mary was at first nowhere to be found. She rushed out of her room when she heard them come in, anticipating to be greeted by an empty armed Timothy.
"Ah!" She screamed when she saw the bundle in his arms. She pointed frantically and could barely believe what she was seeing.
"I have found him Mary, and he's safe now." Timothy smiled, watching Alex stir in his arms. He grew afraid again as soon as he awoke and began to cry. "No, no Alexander no, don't cry, because you know whose here? You know whose here? She's here its Mommy. It's your real Mommy."
Mary was sobbing now and held out her arms out for the baby. Jude watched, sensing Mary's desperate need to see the baby they'd brought home and kissed Emma gratefully. Mary took the baby in her arms and stared down at him for a moment, beginning to wail loudly.
"Mary is…is something wrong?" Timothy was concerned.
"It's him! Oh thank God, it's him! He's just so much bigger but it's him!"
Meanwhile, Alex's eyes struggled to adjust and his mind tried hard to remember, he blinked, calm now as he studied her, just as he'd studied Jude earlier.
"Hi my love, it's Mommy, it's Mommy and she didn't think she was ever going to see you again!"
Alex continued to blink and stare up at her, her voice was soothing to him in a way he didn't totally understand, it just drew him in. Mary's long blonde hair swept down into the boy's face, tickling his cheeks softly. That's when he remembered.
"Mama!" Alex squeaked. Mary laughed through her tears.
"Oh you remember me my baby!" She pulled Alex in closer to her and began to cover him with kisses. "Oh Timothy! Timothy thank you! Oh my God, thank you!"
Mary re-enveloped her son in the biggest hug she could and continued to sob. Jude did the same with Emma and snuck into the other room, beginning to cry too.
"It's alright Mary Eunice, I have found him and brought him home to his Mother."
"H-home?"
"Yes, this is your home now too, and I hope you will stay." Timothy did not know what to do other than to be welcoming and gracious to his son's Mother and so that's what he'd decided on doing.
Mary paused, considering this for a moment. She didn't know how she'd ever tell Timothy that Alex was not just her son but theirs, perhaps his allowing her to live there would give her more time to inform him of this important detail. She never took into consideration that he already knew.
"Oh Timothy how can I ever repay…" She asked instead.
"No repayments necessary Mary, none at all. Just as long as he's home safely. That's all that matters to me." Timothy leaned over and kissed Mary Eunice and Alex on the cheek. "Anyway, I better help Jude put Emma down, please, make yourself at home Mary, its your home now too."
Mary was surprised by his sudden openness, and found herself almost stunned.
"T-Timothy may I give him a bath? He's been in the orphanage and he…"
"Yes, of course." Timothy smiled. "A bath would be great, really, you're welcome to anything." He squeezed her shoulder. "Good night Mary."
...
Alex heaved a sigh of relief when his Mother put him in the warm bath. It was enough to convince the toddler that this was real and he was staying with her.
"Mama!" He smiled, delighted by her presence.
"Oh Alex how I've missed you." She squealed. "I don't know what will happen to us but it doesn't matter to me as long as we're together honey." The little boy didn't understand his Mother's words and smiled brightly only because he was so pleased to be with her. "Mommy loves you more than she's ever loved anybody in her whole life, did you know that?" He giggled. "Are you okay? How are you?" He smiled brightly, making it evident to Mary that he only cared about being with her now.
Mary was amazed at how much her son had grown and also a little heartsick about missing those few months with him, nonetheless, she tried to forget about it, remembering instead that at least now she'd have the rest of her days with him.
"A bath was a good idea, because you were so dirty!"
Mary had always kept him exceptionally clean, which was an oddity inside the walls of Briarcliff, in hindsight it had only made him standout more there, but at the time it had been so important to her because she'd wanted him separate. Alex giggled as his Mother poured water on her head.
"I had no idea the people at St. Ursula's were so negligent." She hadn't finished washing her son and yet, there was already a ring of dirt around the tub. In fact, the dirt on the little boy seemed almost endless.
"I love you Alex. Remember what Mommy told you the last time we saw each other?"
"No."
"No." She smiled, continuing to wash him. "She said we were going to move and start a new life…it turns out she was wrong about where and who with but here we are. Welcome home."
….
The next day brought nothing but awkwardness and an air of anger in the house. Alex was happy as a clam and explored the place with ecstatic curiosity. Emma was scared and afraid to leave her Mother's side. Jude would not speak to Mary Eunice or look at Timothy, she did, however, make dinner. Even with all of this tension, Timothy stupidly decided that this was the right time to make an announcement.
"Alexander McKee…" Timothy smiled down at his son, lifting him into his arms as he toddled by. Alex whimpered but quieted down when he saw his Mother. "That won't do."
"What?!" Mary and Jude asked at once, one woman was surprised and the other horrified.
"Alexander Howard. That must be his name."
"But Timothy he…" Mary protested. She didn't see Jude roll her eyes.
"He's my son, he should have my name…and he should be raised in his Father's house and grow up with his baby sister."
Jude and Mary exchanged glances, both nearly panicked about what he had planned. Jude had had no idea this was his plan and while Mary had been told she could stay she didn't know it was because Timothy knew Alex was his child.
"Timothy what makes you think…" Mary panicked she was not ready to discuss this with Timothy just yet and couldn't believe he was suggesting this. What she did not know was that legally, her son already was Alexander Howard now.
"I've got two beautiful children." He kissed the side of Jude's head. "And a wonderful wife….and Mary Eunice." Mary Eunice felt bad and smiled slightly, casting her eyes to the floor. "You're my son's Mother. And praise the Lord, you are back to yourself; we should all celebrate!"
But celebrate they did not. Each woman took her child and their dinner and went their separate ways, slamming their doors behind them and locking him out. Timothy sighed and kept trying to get back into the bedroom he shared with Jude but she would not acknowledge him. Finally, he tried Mary Eunice, deciding they needed to talk. To his surprise, she let him in.
"Mary Eunice; you can't try to tell me that I'm not his Father." Timothy said. He was anxious, nervous and a little angry now.
Mary clung to the child, rocking him tightly in her arms but didn't reply to Timothy. The small boy didn't attempt to move from her embrace; only wanting to hold his Mother tighter. It had been months since he'd seen her, which, for a baby was an eternity. Now that he was with her again, the last thing he wanted to do was let go or look away. This was why he hadn't liked it when Timothy held him earlier.
"Mary I can see it in him!" Timothy cried. "The first time they gave him to me ….it was just apparent…please, please tell me he's my son…" He plead. "I don't know if I can accept it otherwise…not because I desperately want him to be but because I know it's the truth…and I like to uphold truth."
Upholding truths had been a new vow that Timothy had taken when he and Jude left Briarcliff. He paused for a moment. He knew she was bluffing when she denied his paternity, but, he wanted to hear her say that he was the boy's Father and he was trying to force her, in anyway he knew possible, to say it.
"His birthday!" Timothy offered a piece of evidence. "Mary his birthday is nine months almost to the day of what happened between you and I…something I forgive you for by the way…and…"
"You do?"
"Yes! That wasn't even you, Mary…but something good did come out of that night, of what happened between us, didn't it?"
"You make it sound like it was a mutual decision you know what I did…" Mary had come to face that she was the rapist, not him.
"I know what you did…but it wasn't you…I can see it in his face Mary, I'm in him…I see myself so strongly in him! Please. Tell me the truth about him."
"I'm never giving him up again or letting him go again. No matter who tries to take him. He is MYson." In an instant, he understood her worry.
"Oh Mary Eunice…I'd never take him away from you." Timothy got on his knees and looked straight at her, she turned to him a little confused. "I only wish to know so that he can have his Father and his Mother as he deserves to have." Mary Eunice swallowed nervously and turned away. "I love my wife. I actually adore my wife. She's the best thing that ever happened to me and I should've married her, much, much sooner."
She wondered why he was saying this. Jude blushed, hearing this from the other side of the door. She'd come out and decided to listen when he went in Mary's room. It made her feel better about all of this: for him to tell the other woman how much he loved her.
"And I also love my beautiful baby daughter. I love my precious Emma more than the world…but." He smiled. "I have a son now too. You can't change that Mary Eunice and you can't hide it from me, I can see that plain as day. He looks like me. And I love him as my son, and I want to give him every advantage he should have from having a father that loves him. And you, you are his Mother and I owe you respect and love and a home."
"No you don't."
"Yes, yes I do; both of you. You are my family. You and Jude and Alex and Emma. All of you. Please. Stay, let me care for you. Let the Father that wants him actually be his Father. Let him have a sister and a family." The more he thought about it, the more he realized that Emma could also benefit from having a brother.
"Why would you want him? After how he…"
"Because he's my son, I don't care where he came from. I don't care about any of those things. None of those things are his doing. But he's here and innocent and worthy of my love. Right, Alex? Alex?"
Alex fussed and placed his face back in his Mom's shoulder when Timothy tried to touch him.
"He thinks he's being taken from me again."
"No, no Alex, you stay with Mommy, but." He began. "I am your Daddy."
Mary Eunice didn't deny this this time, and instead, turned her son's face to look at Timothy.
"Say hi Alex, it's okay to say hi."
"Hi." He said, shyly stuffing half of his face back into his Mother but looking up at Timothy curiously, with his second, uneclipsed eye.
"Alex." Mary addressed, she was crying now. "Alex this is your Daddy."
Alex didn't know what the word met but it struck a chord with him and somehow he understood that it was important. Meanwhile Jude felt her heart sink when she heard Mary finally confirm the fact that Timothy was the boy's father.
"Yes." He smiled. "I'm your Father, and I love you and I'm so blessed to have found you and to have you in my home." He kissed the baby's forehead, leaving him a little surprised. "Welcome Mary." He did the same with her. "It's nice to have you back too. We'd been worried about you, Jude and I."
"Are you just going to act like things are the same?" She inquired. He smiled. "I'm not sweet, innocent Mary Eunice anymore…I've been…I've been tainted." Timothy wasn't aware that Mary felt eternally tainted, and like she'd never be whole again.
"Oh Mary you and I. We were both taken advantage of. You in the worst of ways. You are still you." She gave a half-hearted smile of his acknowledgement, but inside she felt tainted and forever changed. "I can see you love our son."
"Yes. More than anything."
"I love him too. Don't worry about anything. Something evil befell us, but it was defeated with the biggest blessing God could give."
"Yes. Yes it was." She admitted, looking down at her baby.
"Good." He smiled. "I'll see you both in the morning." He kissed the baby a second time, squeezing Mary's shoulder softly before leaving Mother and son alone in their room.
"H-Jude you were listening." Jude was there when he stepped out of the room and had scared him at first.
"Yeah I…I couldn't help but listen." She said, running her fingers through her hair as she picked some toys up off the hallway floor. "It's nice ta hear ya tell her how much ya love me." She confided. "I believe that, and I love ya too. But I need some space Timothy, some time to adjust."
"Oh…" He didn't understand.
"And so does she." Jude knew Mary was broken, but she didn't tell him nor did she care in the moment. "I'm going to go away far a few days."
"W-why?" He felt his stomach begin to tighten.
"Ta have some space and ta think." She said, crossing her arms. "I'm gonna go and visit Mother Claudia, and uh I'm takin' Emma with me."
Timothy's face fell
"Jude you…you can't leave me! I love you!"
"I'm not leavin ya, it'll just be far a few days." Timothy was upset; he knew that if Jude ever left him, for good, she would certainly take Emma.
"Please. You're the one I love Jude! You're the one I married!" Timothy followed her into the kitchen, feeling weak for almost begging her to stay.
"I know and I know ya love me. I love ya too. More than anything."
"You are my everything Jude, please." He cried, reaching out to touch her cheek. She turned her head and pulled away, continuing to speak.
"But this is very odd and I just need some time, so does she, she's been through a lot and so has that boy. He's gonna need to get used to the idea that he's got a Father and frankly, our Emma's going to have to get used to sharing hers."
"Jude I…"
"I'm not angry with ya, I'm not leavin ya…I'm giving us all some much needed space."