21

Kate groaned inwardly as she poured out yet another cup of tea to yet another simpering fifteen year old girl who cared more about her dresses than anything else in the world. Alexis met her eyes and made an almost undetectable face at her. Kate finished pouring the tea and glanced around at the group of girls in the room. None of them were particularly inspiring. They all seemed to know each other, and none of them came close to being Alexis intellectual equal. Kate didn't blame them – it wasn't their fault, their society was sexist and unfair. They had been brought up to believe themselves mentally inferior to men – it was no wonder, really, that they were fulfilling the expectations.

When the girls finally left, Kate didn't even bother to remember their names, Alexis wondered out loud whether her father would allow her friend Ruby to stay with them.

"It's more that Ruby might not be allowed to come," Alexis said sadly. "I think Dad would like it, he likes me to have friends. But Ruby's parents are very strict and she isn't allowed to do much."

"Perhaps your father could talk to them."

"Maybe. But they don't really like him. Maybe they read his magazine story."

Kate laughed a little. Alexis looked at her.

"Is it really as bad as everyone says?"

"You really haven't read it?"

Alexis looked shocked. "He told me I mustn't. He imposes so few rules on me... he just said I'm not old enough. I don't know what can be in it, though, when he lets me read all of his books."

Kate grinned. "I don't think it's any worse. Maybe he just isn't so proud of it. After all, it's a different style of writing – shorter, less... intellectual, perhaps. Though his novels have adult elements, they are also extremely clever. They all have mysteries, carefully woven... Perhaps he feels his writing in the magazine is less polished, and also less succinct. It's expected to be much more dramatic. Not so realistic."

Alexis frowned. "I don't think that's why he doesn't let me read it."

Kate smiled. "Well, it's also rather more... graphic, than the novels."

"Graphic how? I mean, what is it that's described graphically?"

"I-"

"Couldn't possibly say," Richard finished for her as he came into the room. "Hello Alexis. I thought I heard your friends leave."

"They're not my friends. They're boring. I miss Ruby."

"Even Sara is boring?"

"Of course not. But you interrupted us – I was about to find out why I'm not allowed to read your story in the magazine."

"Better luck next time, pumpkin. Do you have plans for the afternoon?"

"Grams wants to take me out to lunch somewhere, and then shopping. She's gone to get ready. Do I have to go?"

Richard looked at Kate. "I'm afraid so. But I'll invite Sara back for dinner. And maybe she'll do some more fencing with us."

"Will you come?" Alexis asked excitedly.

"I'd love to," Kate said.

Alexis and Martha left within half an hour and Kate was left with Richard in his big, empty house.

"Now what?" he asked her, raising one eyebrow as she lay back on the couch, finally relaxing after hours of sitting up straight. She closed her eyes.

"Catch up on sleep," she murmured. She felt him sit down beside her and pull the pins out of her hair, letting it tumble around her shoulders.

"Are you sure you're tired?" he whispered in her ear. She let out a gentle sigh of contentment. His presence made her feel so relaxed, she really could just drift off to sleep.

"Yes," she said softly. Richard yawned.

"To be honest, so am I. You should at least take off your corset, though."

"I hardly feel it," Kate lied. Richard laughed.

"I know you're lying about that. Just stay there, I'll get it off."

Kate opened her eyes. "Without help?" she asked incredulously.

Richard winked and began to undo the fastenings of her dress. It took him a while but he eventually managed to successfully extract her from it and her corset. He also removed her shoes and began to rub her feet.

"Stop it, you don't have to..." she said quietly.

"Maybe I want to," he replied, dipping his head to kiss her toes. She wriggled to get him to stop.

"Maybe I want to go to sleep," she said. Richard sighed.

"Fine. But you don't know what you're missing."

"Yes I do. I know full well. But right now, sleep is even more attractive."

Richard lay down on the other couch.

"You're too far away," he complained.

"No, you're too close. I can still hear you."

He chuckled. "Are you going out tonight?"

"Yes. That is, if I get some sleep now."

"Can I come?"

"Yes... Have you written anything about me yet?"

"I thought you wanted to sleep."

"Answer the question or you're not coming."

"Fine. Yes, a little."

"May I see?"

"No. I mean, yes, but not yet... it's not finished."

Kate smiled. "Are you worried I won't like it?" she teased.

"Yes, actually," Richard replied seriously. "You're... I've never written about a character as deep or complex as you. I want to get you right."

"I'm sure you will have," Kate said, trying to sound reassuring. "I'm not that deep."

"I think part of the problem is that you're still so much of a mystery to me."

Kate didn't answer. He was right. She had told him so little. He knew so little about her life, both before and after the death of her mother. He didn't know... any of it. Tiny snippets, titbits that were close to meaningless. She felt as though he knew her, but in fact she had revealed very little of herself to him. The strangest part was, he still knew more than almost anyone else. She wondered if anyone in the world really knew her. She supposed that no one really knew anyone, if you were going to think about it like that.

"Some mysteries are better left unsolved," she murmured. There was a pause before Richard answered.

"Don't... don't you want me to know you?" he asked. Kate didn't know what to say. There was so much she wanted to say, she heard in her mind exactly how her answer would sound.

Of course I want you to know me. I want you to strip me down and get inside my soul, I want to show you it all and show you that though I may seem hard, really I'm just a girl like any other, a soft, warm hearted person who wants to fall in love and make love and be in love... When you touch me I come alive. When you hold me I wish I could stay in your arms forever. But I... I'm afraid to attach myself. Not just to you, but to anyone. When my mother died I built up a wall around my heart, a cold, hard wall, to protect myself. Firstly, so I didn't perish from the pain I felt then. Secondly, so I could never feel pain like that again. And thirdly, so I could be strong enough to help other people. But now... Now you're in my life and everything's different. I defined myself by that wall, by what I do for others. But now I want more.

I want to be more than who I am. I want to be someone worthy of you.

The answer was there. Her heart was screaming it. But her head and the wall crushed it down and she stayed silent, looking through her eyelashes at Richard as he watched her from across the room, wishing there was some way to show him what she couldn't tell him.

She was wearing just a white under dress. The room was warm, there was a fire and she was very comfortable. She tried to sleep but now... she couldn't stop thinking. She wanted to be more. More for Richard, more for herself, more because... because what if what she had now wasn't all she could have? What if she did deserve more? What if she could do more? Help more people, have more influence, do more with her life? Even her dream still tugged at her heart. She could be a mother. Couldn't she?

Her mother had once told her there was nothing she couldn't do if she worked hard – that every person was capable of changing their life. Sometimes they needed help, sometimes the changes they could make were not the ones they wanted most... But there was always a way to be better, to be more.

Kate wasn't sure if she agreed. She thought there were some problems that sucked people in so they couldn't get out. But for now, for herself... she knew what her mother would say. She was holding back. She was afraid, afraid of hurting him and his daughter, but also of hurting himself.

And then she remembered something in one of Richard's books. Typical, that it would be something he had written. It was a Storm novel... Derrick had been trying to convince a girl to go with him, to help him investigate a murder. The girl had been afraid and Derrick had made this whole speech convincing her to go. It hadn't been something profound, it was absurd that her mind would quote this at her when there was such a vast sea of literature to choose from.

"Come on! What's the worst that could happen?"

"We could die, Storm."

"That's highly unlikely. And... even then... at least you'd know."

"Know what?"

"Who you are. Who you are when you're free."

A/N: Hello. Thank you very much for reading, please review! Only nice people who give me lots of alerts get things like M rated chapters...