Chapter Twenty - Apparition and Patronuses
Saturday dawned with the sixth year students all-abuzz. Lily and her friends were jittery throughout their breakfast. In only two more hours they'd be attending their first Apparition lesson.
"This is a great weekend," Gwen said, grinning from ear to ear. "Apparition today, Quidditch practice tomorrow!"
"Only you would get excited about freezing your arse off on a broomstick," Marlene quipped, shaking her head.
"Not true. James is all for it too, seeing as he's the one who scheduled the practice," Lily pointed out.
Silence followed her remark and both Marlene and Gwen turned to stare at her.
"What?" Lily asked, her voice growing a touch defensive.
"Still not used to you being all cosy with James," Gwen replied.
Marlene nodded emphatically. "Yeah. It's weird."
Lily rolled her eyes. "It's no big deal."
"Uh huh."
"Yeah, sure."
"I think it's sweet," Mary piped up, having finished her porridge.
"I think it's about bloody time," Sirius said, leaning in to nudge Lily's shoulder.
Remus snorted. "How black did you say that kettle was, Sirius?"
"Piss off, Moony."
Lily glanced across the table to her right and met James' hazel eyes. They shared a smile and went back to their breakfast.
The conversation naturally veered right back to the upcoming Apparition lesson and the sixth years were even more restless when they got up to leave the breakfast table than they'd been when they'd sat down.
The biting January air didn't tempt them, so with an hour and a half to go before the lesson would begin, the Gryffindor sixth years returned into their Common Room.
Concentrating on homework – or anything much, really – was impossible. Marlene and Sirius couldn't even sit still, but got up to pace the room until Gwen and Remus would inevitably tell them to sit back down.
Finally, Sirius ran to get the pack of Muggle playing cards Lily had got him for Christmas. Lily suggested a round of poker but was instantly vetoed by Marlene and Gwen. Mary cut in quickly before they managed to get into an argument. She suggested they play Go Fish. Lily made a face, but quickly agreed, since the game was simple enough to explain to their full- and half-blooded friends.
After that, the time went by much quicker – in the flow of the silly game they forgot to stare at the clock. Soon enough, Sirius stuffed the deck of cards into his pocket and the group left the Common Room.
The nervousness they'd been able to put aside while telling each other to "go fish" bubbled right back in full force as they made their way down towards the Great Hall.
Remus had gone quiet while Peter was chattering a rapid stream. Gwen had crossed her arms and Marlene was fiddling with the sleeves of her robes. Mary had started biting her lip and Sirius's voice was growing louder the closer they got to the Great Hall. James was running his hand through his hair and Lily was mentally reciting through what little she knew about the theory of Apparition.
Lily and her friends arrived in the Great Hall. Dana Watson instantly peeled away from her friends and appeared at James' side. Lily waved at Betty, who was standing to the side with her Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff friends.
Then, she turned to take in the hall. The four long tables had been cleared away as had the benches. Overhead, the enchanted ceiling was ominously swirling with dark clouds.
The Heads of the Houses were standing in the centre of the room; Slughorn was chatting happily with Flitwick while McGonagall's stern gaze was sweeping over the groups of students gathered in the hall. Sprout was smiling and politely listening to a small wizard who must've been their Ministry appointed Apparition instructor.
When everyone had arrived, the Heads of Houses called for silence and their Apparition instructor stepped forward. He seemed young and energetic and greeted them all with a smile.
"Good morning, everyone. I'm Wilkie Twycross, your Ministry Apparition instructor for the next twelve weeks. The goal here is to prepare you for the Apparition test, which those of you who are of age will be able to take as soon as this course is done."
As instructor Twycross carried on, the excitement and expectations seemed to fill the air and Lily was sure that the students would've been murmuring with one another had the Heads of Houses not been present and keeping a sharp eye on them.
Their restless energy finally got an outlet when Twycross instructed them to position themselves so that they had five feet of clear space in front of them. The students broke out of the groups they'd been huddling in and sought out good spots with the space needed, under the occasional added guidance from the Heads of their Houses.
The professors somehow managed to make sure that despite anxiety a lot of students were exhibiting – whether rooted in enthusiasm or apprehension – everything and everyone proceeded in an orderly fashion.
"That's great," Twycross said when everyone had settled. He took out his wand and with a quick wave a wooden hoop appeared in front of each student.
"I want all of you to remember the three D's," Twycross told his rapt audience. "Destination, determination, deliberation! Your mind needs to be firmly fixed on your desired destination. In your case, that is the inside of your hoop. Please everyone concentrate on your destination now."
Lily stared at the floor inside the hoop in front of her and tried to focus, even though it was hard to ignore the worry and doubt flickering on the periphery of her mind.
"Next," Twycross called, "you need the determination to occupy the space you're visualising. You need to yearn to enter that space with every particle of your body!"
Lily's face scrunched up with an incredulous frown, though her gaze stayed fixed on the centre of her hoop. Determined she could do, sure, but yearning?
"The final step – and please do not move until I give you the command – is to turn on your spot and move with deliberation into the nothingness."
Lily's incredulousness was joined by confusion. Surely there was more to Apparition than that? Twycross had to be oversimplifying things.
"Now, on my command. One –"
Lily looked around. Seeing the alarm she felt mirrored in the faces of her fellow students made her feel a little better. Poor Peter, in fact, looked like he might be sick any minute.
"Two."
Lily wasn't sure if her body had ever been this tense before.
"And THREE!"
Lily turned in a smooth circle and found herself standing in the exact same spot.
A quick glance told her that no one else had Apparated either.
That seemed both disappointing and anti-climactic – though it could be have been worse. At least Lily hadn't tripped over her own feet like Peter, who was getting up from the floor, rubbing his nose.
Instructor Twycross didn't appear to be affected in any way by their failure to Apparate.
"Please everyone, assume your original position," he called out, "and adjust your hoops if necessary, so we can try again."
They tried again with equally disappointing results – except for Peter, who managed to stay upright this time.
Time started to blur. Was this attempt number seven? Or maybe nine?
Lily's head was almost aching from all the determination she tried to muster. It was hard to stay focused, though; she was getting dizzy from the repeated turning and twirling.
The monotony broke right after their tenth – twelfth? – attempt.
A howl of agony pierced the hall and made several students jump.
Avery from Slytherin was standing inside his hoop, clutching the hole in his shoulder where his arm should've been. The Splinched arm was laying on the floor, five feet away.
Several people near Avery scuttled back and a few of the students looking on shrieked or shouted in dismay. Peter had gone pale and Mary quickly turned away, squeezing her eyes shut.
Lily was craning her neck to see better. The Heads of Houses were gathered around Avery now with their wands. There was a bang and puff of purple smoke that left Lily none the wiser regarding what kind of spell the professors had used.
Avery was restored, but his eyes still looked wild.
Twycross remained as dispassionate as ever – he had to have seen something similar happen countless of times. "The separation of random body parts, known as Splinching, occurs when the mind isn't determined enough," he lectured. "In order to Apparate, you must concentrate on your destination and move slowly and deliberately to reach it. Remember your three D's and try again. In one –"
Lily was getting really tired of the count to three, but obediently turned again – and again, and again.
Nothing happened for a good long while.
It was their second to last attempt, which finally ended in a whoop of victory. Lily looked up to see Andrew Buchanan from Ravenclaw grinning at everyone from inside his hoop.
Lily was sure she wasn't the only one who left the Great Hall after the lesson with mixed feelings, but at least Andrew's success gave her hope.
Sooner or later, she'd had to get the hang of Apparition – she didn't want to be left at the mercies of Floo powder and broomsticks for the rest of her life.
During Wednesday's Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson, after the sixth year students had been practising the Patronus Charm for a whole week, the first corporeal Patronuses were finally cast.
James Potter was actually the one who managed it first. Lily, immensely focused on picturing her happy memory, sadly missed the whole episode. The shouts and cheers made her open her eyes and turn, but by that time she only caught a glimpse of fading silver and Sirius clapping James' shoulder.
Remus was next, and this time Lily was able to see the Patronus pour forth: a beautiful, sleek wolf that loped a brief circle before disappearing.
Lily redoubled her efforts, racking her brain for the perfect memory to use.
Finally, she found it.
The sheer joy from last spring, when after their Defence O.W.L. she'd gone out to the lake with her friends, to enjoy the sunshine, good company, and the sense of accomplishment from knowing she had just aced an exam.
Of course, the day had ended on a less favourable note… But for that moment, as she had weaved her toes in the cool waters of the lake, spied James toying with his stolen Snitch in the shade of the beech tree, felt the sunshine in her hair, and been enveloped by the sound of her friends' laughter, Lily's heart had been full.
Clutching at the memory with all of her brain power, Lily raised her wand-arm in a smooth, confident move. Although their learning had focused on non-verbal spells, she couldn't help uttering the words of the charm. The "Expecto Patronum" came out neither as a whisper nor a shout – it was a calm declaration.
In response, a great and slender silvery form emerged from the tip of her wand. In awe, Lily watched the Patronus take shape, and her heart soared with both joy and pride as the graceful doe pranced around her a tight circle.
Her patronus galloped forth and Lily beamed - but her cheer only lasted for a brief moment.
Soon Lily was seeing double: another doe Patronus had just taken form in the middle of the classroom.
Lily's skin prickled in discomfort. Her agitated gaze swept across the room – and landed on the dark eyes of Severus Snape, which were trained on her, his intense stare a mixture of hope and anguish.
Lily's heart went into a freefall, plummeting all the way to her feet. Her stomach turned, her throat tightened, and her beautiful Patronus disappeared in a silver flash.
Lily hastily retreated to a corner of the classroom, wondering if she was going to be sick. From the way her stomach kept churning and lurching, it was a distinct possibility.
Because Patronus Charm was so advanced magic it was actually beyond N.E.W.T. level and something many adult witches and wizards were unable to cast, Professor Quirke had warned them only some of the class would likely be even able to cast corporeal Patronus. That was why they had extensively covered the theoretical aspects of the Patronus Charm in their lessons before they had ever attempted to cast it in practise.
So Lily was well aware that there was only one thing that could have made Snape's Patronus mirror hers.
Great emotional upheaval was a phrase Professor Quirke had used. It seemed oddly fitting.
Lily had never so badly wanted to bolt out of a classroom, but somehow she managed to lean against the cool stone wall and wait out the remaining sluggish minutes, hugging herself in a poor attempt of comfort.
As soon as the bell rang, she was out of the classroom, ignoring the calls from her friends, abandoning her schoolbag at her desk. She marched down the corridor on trembling feet and came to a stop only when she reached the staircase. Up – she could go back to the dormitory and burrow under the duvet in her four-poster bed, where she could find some comfort in both the familiarity and Augustus' company. Down – she could hide out in the second floor girls' bathroom, where her friends wouldn't think to look for her.
The hesitation lasted for a split second, then Lily rushed down the stairs.
Sirius had seen the whole thing. The twin Patronuses meeting in the middle of the classroom. Lily recoiling and retreating into a far corner. The way Snivellus had stared at her. Lily bolting out of the classroom the second the bell had rung, paying no heed to her friends' concerned calls.
The girls were huddled together now, frowning and worried. Mary MacDonald was clutching the bag Lily had abandoned to her chest.
Sirius glanced at his own friends. Remus was looking grim, Peter was biting his lip and Prongs – Prongs' face was so unmoving, his hazel eyes so uncharacteristically forbidding that there was no telling what was going on in that head of his.
Sirius set his jaw, stuffed his wand in his pocket and slung his bag over his shoulder. Then, he stepped forward and patted Mary's shoulder in passing.
"I've got this," he told them all, before jogging out of the room.
He rushed down the corridor and then dashed up the stairs. He kept a steady pace, until finally he reached the Gryffindor Tower.
Sirius ducked through the portrait-hole, crossed the Common Room and took the spiral staircase up to their dormitory two steps at a time.
He burst in through the door and stopped to catch his breath and drop his bag onto the floor. His gaze bounced around the room as his mind was working feverishly, trying to recall who had had the Map last… And then with a curse he realised that didn't matter. He pulled out his wand and used the Summoning charm.
Obediently, like and over-eager puppy, the piece of parchment flew across the room from Peter's bedside table where it had lain.
Sirius caught it and tapped it with his wand.
"I solemnly swear I'm up to no good," he murmured, then watched the lines appear and willed the map to form faster. Focus sharp as the point of a needle, his eyes scanned the map, jumping swiftly from one labelled dot to the next, looking for a name… There.
Lily Evans' dot was unmoving and on the second floor.
Sirius wiped the map, stuffed it into his robes to be safe, and was out of the door in a matter of seconds.
He made haste to the second floor, then paused briefly at the door behind which Lily was hiding.
But he quickly pushed past the hesitation and strode into the girls' loo.
"Lily?" he called out, his voice gruff, ignoring the Moaning Myrtle's wails coming at the far end. "You all right, mate?"
"No," came the muffled answer in a thick voice from one of the stalls.
Sirius headed towards the direction of the loud sniff that followed and swung open the door of the bathroom stall Lily had left unlocked.
She was hunched over on the toilet seat, hugging herself so tight her fingers were digging into her arms. Her face was red and blotchy and a couple of tears were still soundlessly sliding down her cheeks.
"Oh, Lily," Sirius sighed and crouched down before her, setting his hand on her knee. "Do you want me to go beat up Snivellus for you?"
He was serious with the offer, but he didn't mind if Lily took it as a joke, since it actually startled a laugh out of her.
She sniffed again.
"Thanks, but no. I can manage beating up people myself, if need be," she mumbled.
"Of that, I have no doubt," Sirius replied and flashed her a grin.
The corners of Lily's lips twitched. With a sigh, her posture relaxed and her hands dropped into her lap.
"I'm sorry I ran away."
"You don't need to apologise for that," Sirius said firmly.
"It was just too much to take in. Seeing that Patronus…"
Sirius met her eyes and nodded.
"I knew." Lily brushed away the wet trails on her cheeks, wiped at the corners of her eyes. "I always knew, I just… I didn't want to see it, you know? Didn't want to acknowledge it, because if I did things would get complicated but then they got complicated anyway and then I just ended the whole thing and –"
Her voice broke.
She took a deep breath and sounded a little steadier when she added: "I shouldn't be so upset about this."
Sirius frowned. "You have every right to be as upset as you want."
"Just somehow, knowing he feels that way about me – that still after everything he feels that way about me…" Lily shook her head.
"You don't have to explain," Sirius said and shrugged. "You feel how you feel."
She squeezed his hand, still resting on her knee, and gave him a trembling smile.
"Thank you."
"Now come on, enough moping around in a loo," Sirius said. He stood up, and held his hand out to Lily. "We're missing lunch, but I bet we can get food at the kitchens."
Lily perked up and let him pull her off the toilet seats. "The kitchens? I always wanted to have a peek."
"I'll give you the grand tour if you want," Sirius promised. "Let's go."
And with that offer, Lily's grin returned.
James glowered at his plate and pushed the food around, his mind a million miles away from lunch, the Great Hall, and the friends around him. And still, preoccupied as he was, he was painfully aware of the empty seats at the table.
Lily was missing.
So was Sirius, who'd gone after her.
James was grateful Sirius had volunteered – and at the same time thought it deeply unfair. He had wanted to rush after Lily himself, to offer what comfort he could.
Then again, perhaps a little distance between Lily and him would be a good thing for now.
At least until he'd processed through the turmoil the incident in their Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson had wrought.
Everyone around him was busy talking about it, focusing on the debacle between Snape and Lily.
Unchanging love. That was what Professor Quirke had told them might make a person's Patronus resemble someone else's - particularly if the memory they'd used to cast the spell revolved around the recipient of their feelings.
And while the thought of Snape's Patronus being twin to Lily's turned James' stomach, he wasn't dwelling on that. He was busy mulling over the other revelation, lost in the chaos of the two doe Patronuses to most of their classmates.
But not to James, since this revelation intimately concerned him.
Because while Lily's Patronus had been a doe, James' had been a stag.
Their Patronuses hadn't been mere mirror images of each other; they actually matched.
Maybe it meant nothing.
Maybe it meant everything.
He didn't really know what it meant, but after witnessing something so monumental, it was no wonder James' mind – and heart – were a mess.
It was like a heavy knot of contradictory and intertwined emotions had punched right through James' chest.
He'd been confused. Filled with warmth and affection. Elated. Appalled. Vindicated. Queasy. Serene. Frustrated. Angry.
The box, where James had carefully packed all those unrequited and annoying feelings he'd wanted to be rid of back when he'd decided to get over Lily earlier in the school year, was now creaking open ominously.
"James?"
James started and turned to look over his shoulder.
The moment he saw Dana standing there, a stab of guilt joined the whirlwind of emotion already making a wreck of him.
Judging by the absence of her usual dimples, James guessed she'd called out to him more than once before he'd heard her.
"Hey." He offered her a rueful grin. "Sorry, I'm a bit out of it."
"I can see that." Dana frowned as she glanced at his plate. "You've barely eaten a bite. Is everything ok?"
James shrugged. "Yeah. Just an eventful lesson, you know."
"Much more dramatic than usual," Dana agreed. Her gaze darted towards the empty seats. "Will Lily be all right?"
"Sirius will handle it," James said, ignoring the pinch of something dangerously similar to jealousy.
Dana's dimples finally made their appearance. "That's good."
"Yeah."
"I have a bit of time before my double Arithmancy. Wanna go for a walk? If you're done eating, that is." Dana smiled.
"Sure," James said, pushing up from his seat and pushing down the heavy uncomfortable feeling swirling in his gut. "A walk sounds great."
He nodded to his friends in passing and followed Dana out of the Great Hall, grateful for the distraction from his muddled thoughts and even more muddled feelings.
On Friday evening, the Gryffindor gang was in the Common Room, lounging on the much-desired seats by the fireplace, which James and Gwen had managed to snatch from a group of seventh years.
Well, most of the gang was there: Lily had gone to meet up with Connor. No one knew where Sirius was.
James and Gwen were chatting about Quidditch, while Marlene and Peter were commiserating over their Transfiguration homework. Remus and Mary were talking about the differences between the Muggle and the wizard worlds.
And then Sirius strolled in, plopped down onto the armrest of Remus' armchair and commandeered everyone's attention.
"All right, gang! Now that Lily is off somewhere sucking face with the Head Boy, it's a perfect time to plan!"
"Plan for what?" Peter asked.
"Lily's birthday! We are weeks away from her seventeenth, people!"
James perked up.
Marlene was less excited.
"Exactly," she replied to Sirius. "We have two weeks. It's plenty of time to throw something together for her."
Sirius glared at her. "We are not going to throw 'something together' for her, we're going to be throwing the best and biggest birthday party ever!"
"We are?" Remus asked wryly.
"Of course we are," Sirius retorted.
"Lily isn't big on parties," Gwen pointed out.
Mary nodded.
"Well she's going to get one anyway," Sirius insisted.
"Agreed," James said. "Lily deserves a party."
"Yes! Thank you, Prongs. She's turning seventeen. And her birthday's on a Sunday. She must have a party."
"And of course this is all for her sake," Remus commented. "Not because Sirius hasn't had a chance to throw her a party before."
Sirius flashed Remus a grin. "It's a two owls with one stone kind of a situation."
Peter laughed.
Marlene, too, had been coaxed to smile. "Okay then, Black, what did you have in mind?"
"I told you. Biggest and best. Food, drink, cake, a pile of presents, fireworks –"
"I don't think we should try the fireworks again. The ceiling still has scorch marks," Remus muttered.
"That was in fourth year," Sirius said dismissively. "We could totally pull it off now."
Gwen raised her eyebrow. "Do you want Lily to thank you for the party or kill you?"
"Ok, fine. No fireworks," Sirius relented.
"Is it going to be a surprise party?" Peter asked.
Sirius shrugged. "It doesn't have to be, but I'd like for us to plan this and set everything up. You know, so that Lily can just sit back and relax."
"Sounds good," James said.
"If you want Lily to sit back and relax it might be better to make it a surprise party," Gwen remarked. "If she knows about the party, she's going to want to meddle."
"Poker table," Mary said abruptly – and blushed, when everyone's attention turned to her.
"She likes to play," Mary explained.
"She doesn't like to play, she loves to win," Marlene grumbled.
"That's a good idea, though," Gwen said. "Lily would love to have a poker table at the party."
"Yes, good!" Sirius grinned. "Keep the ideas coming, people."
"We should invite Connor Matheson," Remus suggested.
James frowned.
"Would the Head Boy crash another House's dorm?" Peter asked.
"Yes, when the Head Boy's Connor and he's dating Lily and he's been invited," Gwen replied.
"All right." Sirius nodded. "Will you invite him, Remus?"
"Sure," Remus agreed. "James, you'll take the cake?"
"Don't I always?" James said, his eyes laughing.
"I'll handle the drinks," Sirius said. "Because you poor babies aren't of age yet."
Gwen's Welsh accent flared to life with her temper. "Watch who you're calling a baby, Black."
"Oh right, sorry Gwen." He offered her a sheepish grin. "Wanna be on drink duty with me?"
Mary spoke up before Gwen had a chance to reply.
"I think pairing up in general would be a good idea," she said. "That way we could more easily make sure the food and music and everything will be to Lily's liking."
"Good point," Marlene said, glancing at the guys. "We've shared a dorm with Lily for six years now, we probably know her taste better than you."
"Okay. Gwen, you with me?" Sirius asked.
"As long as you won't call me a baby," she replied.
"Mary and Peter, you wanna do the music?"
They shared a glance. Peter grinned at Sirius. "Yeah we're on it."
"James and Marlene, cake and other food?"
"Sure thing," James replied.
"We'll manage," Marlene added.
"That would leave me," Remus pointed out. "But I guess I'll be fine by myself. I suppose I'm doing the decorations again."
"Brilliant, thanks for volunteering, Moony."
Remus rolled his eyes. "You're welcome, Padfoot."
And with that, everyone threw themselves into party planning in earnest.