CHAPTER 21—"THE BROWNS"
September 2018
(Ted and Tracy are outside a school in the suburbs, saying goodbye to their little Penny. Ted is holding 1 year-old Luke, who is holding a Star Wars figurine.)
Tracy: Okay, you have fun on your first day, sweetie pie!
Ted: Stay out of trouble, young lady. (chuckles)
Penny: Okay, daddy. Up tops!
(She high-fives Ted then runs into the school just as the bells ring. Ted and Tracy trade looks and he puts his other arm around her shoulder.)
Tracy: She's growing up. This is her first day of school for her. This is a Big Moment, Ted.
Ted: I know, sweetie.
(They keep staring at the direction Penny ran off to, the entrance of the school)
Tracy: I kinda wish she didn't end it with "Up tops".
Ted: (sighs heavily) Yeeaaah, Barney's been trying to teach her all kinds of stuff just because her first word was—
Tracy: (interrupts quickly) "Mommy", it was "mommy".
Ted: (quickly) Right, yes, totally. Mommy.
Tracy: You think we should drop her off every day and stand out here staring at those brick walls for hours?
Ted: (smiling) Yeah, I think that sounds perfect!
Tracy: (laughs, nodding) Yeah I know, me too. I was just checkin' your end on this.
(They both giggle, and he kisses her forehead)
Ted: Besides, when this little fella starts goin' to school too—
Tracy: It'll be just around the time we stop doing this. (points to how they're just standing there, staring at the school)
Ted: (nods, sighing) Yeah, so we'll be doing it all over again.
(Long Pause)
Ted: You think we should leave now?
Tracy: A little more.
Ted: Okaay, but just to warn you, this little guy (points with his head to Luke) is doing all kinds of nasty little things in the downstairs area.
Tracy: Really?
Ted: Yep.
Tracy: Wait. Just to be clear, you mean—
Ted: (interrupts) Confetti, yes dear.
Tracy: (grunts) Oh, confetti. Let's go clean that up in the car.
(They turn around to leave, and in front of them are walking Chris and Lindsay Brown)
Chris: (gasps) Ted!
Lindsay: And Tracy! What a lovely surprise!
(Freeze Frame)
Future Ted (VO): Kids, you remember Chris and Lindsay Brown…
2017
FunLand
(Flashback to FunLand where Marshall and Lily are greeting Chris and Lindsay in their FunLand home.)
Future Ted (VO): …the couple that Marshall and Lily met in the time they spent in FunLand.
Lily: What city were you guys living in before?
Chris: New Jersey.
(Marshall and Lily both make disgusted noises and faces.)
(Back to present-time outside the school.)
Tracy: Oh my god, what are you guys doing here?
Chris: Well, since the last time you met us at the bar, we moved out of FunLand a couple of months ago. And we were just dropping off our little Eric now on his first day of school.
Lindsay: What're you guys doing here?
Tracy: We were dropping off our daughter.
Lindsay: Oh that's right. Penny, right?
Tracy: (smiling) Yeaahh.
Chris: She's adorable. Does she still say the word "Barney" all the time? (chuckles) So adorable.
(Tracy looks at Ted, mad, who in turn mouths the word "mommy" for her)
Lindsay: Look, you guys wanna have some coffee? We took the rest of the day off for this.
Ted: Oh umm...
Tracy: Sure?
Lindsay: Actually, I'm so glad we ran into you guys. How are Mary-Ann and Ross?
Tracy: I'm sorry, who?
Lindsay: (giggles) Ohh, silly me! I did it again. I meant Lily and Marshall.
(Ted and Tracy laugh)
Tracy: Oh!
Ted: You still getting those names mixed up, huh Lindsay?
Chris: Well, you know, they did lie to us for a while.
Tracy: Ha-ha, yeah, the whole FunLand incident. That was, uh, fun. Umm, actually, honey… (turns to Ted) They're not in town, right?
Lindsay: Why don't you call them and see? See if they can join us for coffee.
(Ted and Tracy trade looks.)
Ted: (nervously) Ohh. Umm…
(Freeze Frame)
Future Ted (VO): Now, see, that was an awkward moment for us. Because just a couple of months earlier…
Just a couple of months earlier…
(Scene: MacLarens. Ted, Tracy, Robin and Barney are sitting at the usual booth.)
(Marshall and Lily walk in with Chris and Lindsay, each couple with their kids: Marvin and Daisy, & Eric and Sara (Chris and Lindsay's kids). A female nanny is also standing on the side.)
Lily: (smiling) We're so glad you guys are in New York! We want you to meet our friends. Chris, Lindsay, these are Ted, Tracy, Robin and Barney.
All: Hi, hi there. Nice to meet you!
(They all take their seats)
Eric: (to his parents) Mom, dad, can Marvin, Daisy and I go play outside?
Chris: Okay, Eric, but take your sister with you. And Donna's gonna be with you guys. (to the nanny) Take them outside for a little fresh air, please?
Lily: (to Daisy and Marvin) Stay out of trouble, kids.
Marvin: Okay!
(The kids go out with the nanny)
Marshall: It's so nice to see you guys again. We honestly thought we'd never see you after the whole, you know, "incident" at FunLand.
Lindsay: Yeeaah. It's always fun to have a Russian mob point a gun at your family in the middle of your child's birthday party.
(Freeze Frame)
Future Ted (VO): Oh, right. I didn't tell you that story. The whole FunLand "incident". You know what, I'll get to that later. This is more important now.
(Unfreeze Frame)
Lily: Oh, again, we are so sorry about that.
Marshall: We still feel horrible about it.
Barney: (smiling) Best weekend ever.
Tracy: Really? That's the best weekend you've ever had?
Barney: Uhhh, yeah. It's got everything: magic tricks, a fake Ranjit, sexy waitress-slash-I'm-still-convinced-she's-a-porn-star, Robin Sparkles fan and most importantly… (short pause) Lamps.
Robin: (to Barney) What about our wedding weekend?
(Try to imagine the coming dialogue with flashbacks of Season 9…)
Barney: (very quickly) You mean the excruciatingly long weekend where Marshall got stuck and almost couldn't make it to our wedding, had to share a long Monstrosity car-ride with a complete stranger, told an embarrassingly long poem that eventually led to another episode of Marshall versus the Machine—
Marshall (interrupts, also quickly): Don't forget the "I can walk that far".
Barney: (continues, nods at Marshall) –and then he decided to walk that far, all the while I got really, really drunk—like, past "Jaba-drunk"—and ended up strolling down the streets teaching a bunch of idiot college dudes my PlayBook tricks—
Robin: You did what?
Barney: (continues) I mean, that didn't happen. And then when Marshall did arrive, he and Lily got into a RIDONKELOUSLY huge fight in which Lily stormed out and went to the Captain's house, of course after getting a pregnancy test which she dumped into a daisy—ahh, yes, which Ted, Marshall, Billy Zapka and I found at the Captain's house—
Ted: (interrupts) You mean I found it!
Barney: (continues) –which brought Marshall and Lily to finally resolve their fight and decided they were gonna go to Italy for a year, all the while I realized I didn't know which suit I was gonna wear which was probably the biggest and most important problem that we faced that weekend. Then Robin's mother showed up and you two shared a moment, hugged, kissed, made you freak out about marrying a maniacal psychopath like your father, hence ME, so you had a major panic attack, almost ran out on our wedding. Then Tracy here, who was not yet a part of our life because she was too busy being Devil Darren's doormat, bumped into my wife—and that's how Robin Met Tracy—then we tried to convince Gary Blauman to stay at our wedding, or more like not stay at our wedding—P.S. the guy stole a curly fry, he didn't deserve a second chance anyway—then Marshall finally slapped me for the final time ever, just minutes before our wedding which Patrice attended of course, alongside a cute and adorable ring bear-er, also a bear, bee/tee/doube-you, and a Flower Gorilla which I unfortunately had to cancel on because apparently I went too far. And then my non-biological father, the wedding officiant—yeah, that's right because I forgot to tell you, our minister died 45 hours before the wedding—declared us husband and wife and we walked down the aisle happily ever after and relieved that we would never have to go through all of that ever again.
(The scene returns to the bar.)
Barney: Oh yeah, and we had sex in the limo on our way to the airport.
Robin: (having a sip of her beer) Can't argue with that, that was the worst weekend ever.
Lily: (turns to Lindsay and Chris) So anyway, how is your trip to New York so far? You liking it?
Lindsay: Yeah it's been nice. We did a lot of tourism, y'know walked around the city, went to Central Park and stuff, it's been a real joy.
Chris: Honey, don't forget about the best burger in New York.
Lindsay: (chuckles) Oh god. Chris seems to think he's found the best burger ever.
(Everyone stares at Marshall whose eyes are just glaring at Chris)
Marshall: Chris, let me ask you this: was it a small tiny burger joint?
Chris: Yes!
Marshall: With a triple-x bookstore next to it?
Chris: Uhhh, I don't think so?
Marshall: (louder, lawyer-y voice) Chris, did it have a green door?
Chris: I'm not sure what's going on here.
Marshall: (sternly) What's going on is that you don't know the best burger place in New York City, Chris, so if it wasn't the tiniest little burger-joint, with a triple-x bookstore right next door, and had a green door then you do not call this slutty little place of yours the best burger place in New York! Do you copy that?!
Chris: (nervously, quickly) Uhh, okay, dude. Just calm down.
Marshall: (still sternly, slaps on the table) I will most certainly not calm down!
(The kids return from outside, Marvin with his forehead bleeding)
Lily: OH MY GOD, sweetie, what happened?!
Marshall: Marvin, my buddy, are you okay?
Marvin: I'm fine, I'm fine.
Lily: What—you're bleeding! You're not fine! What happened to you?
(Marvin pauses, and sees Eric staring at him)
Marvin: Nothing, I tripped.
(Marshall and Lily trade looks)
Future Ted (VO): Obviously, your Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily were not convinced. So later that day, they decided to bribe their own son into confessing…
Later that day…
(Marshall and Lily's apartment. Marshall and Lily are approaching the living-room couch with ice-cream as they sit next to Marvin, who has a band-aid on his forehead, and is watching TV.)
Marshall: Here's to my little hero.
Lily: (delightful tone) Chocolate or vanilla to my big boy?
Marvin: I thought I wasn't allowed to have ice-cream before dinner.
Lily: (suddenly serious, sternly) That's RIGHT, you're not! (pushes the ice-cream away and hides it behind her back) Unless… (delightful tone again) …you wanna tell us what happened earlier today, you know, with your little incident. (touches his forehead)
(Long Pause)
Marvin: I'm not supposed to talk about it.
Marshall: Honey, we're your parents. We're here for you all the time.
Daisy: (coming out of the bathroom with only her underwear) Daddy, I been waiting for you for an hour. You're supposed to give me a shower!
Marshall: Honey, get back in there. I'll be there in a minute!
Lily: (looks at him, shocked) Marshall! She's been in there for an hour?!
Daisy: And a half! (stumbles her foot on the floor then walks back into the bathroom)
Marshall: (to Marvin) So, Marvin? Anything you want to tell us?
Lily: You're a big boy, Marvin. You know what the right thing to do is.
(Another Pause)
Marvin: Fine, it was Eric.
Marshall and Lily: (cheering) I KNEW IT! (They high-five)
Marvin: He pushed me into a wall when Donna wasn't looking then made me promise not to tell anyone, or he'll hurt me again. But you can't tell his parents that I told you! He'll kill me!
(Marshall and Lily trade looks)
Lily: (strokes Marvin's hair) Don't worry, sweetie. We'll deal with this the way adults deal with any kind of problem...
(MacLarens. Lily, Marshall, Ted and Tracy are at the booth.)
(Lily thumps her beer bottle onto the table angrily)
Lily: (sternly) Those sons of bitches are gonna pay!
Tracy: Oh my god, that's crazy though! That little kid seemed so innocent. I can't believe he would do something like that!
Marshall: He was raised by monsters, Tracy. What did you expect?
Ted: C'mon, you guys, it's a little crazy to assume that Chris and Lindsay had anything to do with this. Even for you two.
Lily: Ted, we told you about FunLand, right?
FunLand
a few months earlier
(Marshall and Lily's "FunLand" house. Marshall and Lily are there, scared to hell, as police officers are pulling Chris and Lindsay away from them and out of the house.)
Lindsay: We are gonna kill you two!
Chris: We're coming back for you, Elgins!
(Back to the bar with Ted, Tracy, Marshall and Lily.)
Ted: Yes, you told us about the FunLand "incident".
Lily: This is their revenge, you guys, I'm telling you. We need to cut these people out of our lives and forever. (to Ted and Tracy) And if you two ever run into them again, do not engage. Just leave. Run, do anything!
Tracy: (laughs) Run?
Lily: (sternly, staring deeply into Tracy's eyes) YES, TRACY. RUN.
(Back to present-time, September 2018, outside the school where Ted & Tracy just dropped off Penny.)
Future Ted (VO): So that's why, back in 2018, when this happened…
Chris: I don't get it. Why won't you call Marshall and Lily to join us?
(Ted and Tracy trade looks again)
Ted: See, the thing is… (pause) RUUUNNN!
Future Ted (VO): Yeah. We ran.
(Ted and Tracy start to run away, extremely fast, with Ted still holding Luke in his arms)
Tracy: (out-of-breath, still running) RUN?!
Ted: (running) Yeah, I totally shoulda come up with a better idea, and this little fella (Luke) keeps pooping on me!
2030
present day
(Ted and Tracy's living-room. Penny and Luke are sitting at the couch, staring at the 'camera'.)
Penny: I don't get it. Why are you even telling us this story?
Luke: Other than to embarrass me. Was I really still shitting myself all that much?
Future Ted (VO): Honey, the reason I was telling you this is because…well, remember a couple of months ago when you told me a cute guy asked you out to the dance on Saturday?
Penny: Yeah?
Future Ted (VO): His name is Eric Brown, sweetie. And there's no way in hell I'm letting you go out with him.
Penny: (squints) What?! But that's so unfair!
Luke: (smiling) I kinda wanna meet him and beat the crap out of him!
Future Ted (VO): END OF STORY! Now let me tell you about the FunLand "incident"…
Penny: No, not end of story. Dad! This is so unfair! I cannot believe you!
Fade to Black.
I definitely didn't forget about Robin and Barney! Lol, their story should be fun in FunLand. But I felt like writing a chapter about the next generation of our favorite gang. Might go further into it later on, but for now PLEASE tell me what you think so far! Your reviews mean the world to me! Peace out…