the Odds are Never in Our Favor

"When she left, it was like someone had ripped my heart out, crumbled it up like a flimsy piece of loose leaf paper and crammed it back into my chest. It somehow managed to work, but it would never, ever feel the same." (Step Campbell)

[She Never Really Left]

Jace flicked through the television channels, some comedy some reality. Nothing interested him. Not right now anyway. He sat on the sofa, chin drawn between his knees. Isabelle was on the other side, abnormally silent but he didn't mind. She seemed happy. Often, he wished he could see himself in the future and ponder what he might become. That didn't matter much. Silence filled the air and he recalled what Clary had told him days before. "I kind of like it when it's quiet. It gives me reassurance. I can finally...relax."

She was right. Yet all he thought about was her and Alec. Isabelle and Maryse. Even Robert. They all took him in. He was not lonely anymore. Their love made him happy. It made him glad, fortunate. Jace didn't notice his sister rise and leave, his eyes were placed on the hardwood floor beneath him. He never truly knew love till he met Clarissa Fairchild. But at the same time, he never felt so alone till he met Clarissa Fairchild. Clary. Clary. Clary.

And so in that second, he decided he wanted the best for Clary. She deserved only the best. It would definitely hurt and wound her now but Clary could always heal. She was strong, Jace knew for sure. Was he?

He pulled out his phone. She answered on the second ring. "Jace!"

He wasn't in the mood to smile or laugh. Her voice sounded excited, as if him calling made her leap with joy. Jace cleared his throat. "I wanted to ask you on a date. You know, a real one this time." He wondered if his tone was convincing enough.

Jace heard her whistle like she was impressed. "That sounds fancy." He sighed from inward exhaustion. His gut told him to stop what he was doing and laugh with her but the beating organ in his chest told him otherwise. Could he go with the plan? Would he take a cowardly exit? Whatever he chose to do, it would drown both of them in sadness.

"Yea, it is." Jace replied, shutting his eyes tightly.

"Uh, Jace, you don't have to do this. I honestly don't deserve that much." Clary said laughing playfully.

"No I want to. Just-I'll pick you up at seven."

"But-" He flipped the phone away unable to think of an answer. His heart was thumping like something was being destroyed, like the Earth was abruptly shaking. Even the snow that fell from the sky seemed dull even though it was finally winter. Now, it felt like fire was searing his skin and he darted to the bathroom, knocking away the door violently.

Jace hurled into the toilet, his forehead beginning to sweat. This time, when he glanced down at the water, it wasn't vomit. It was thick, red liquid. Blood. He coughed and brought his fingers to his lips. They came out the same color. Jace sat numbly on the mat beside the large sink and tub. Waves of nausea spilled through his head and he groaned, tipping his skull against the wall. His stomach lurched again.

Once he washed himself up, Jace threw on a blue sweater and loose jeans. He left his crazy hair to fend for itself. His appearance was as disheartening as what he felt for what he had to do was beyond his abilities.

[XXX]

Jace watched, his body still like a statue, as Clary nearly jumped at his arrival. She waved to the open door where her brother was then whirled to face him, beaming. There were days where he yearned to just stare at her. How could she feel so blissful when he was so sad?

The short girl was wearing her green hoodie that held three holes on the left elbow. Her scarlet hair was spilled around her shoulders. Clary's eyes were filled with a brilliant lime green color. Looks were deceiving. She wrapped an arm around his waist. "I missed you."

Jace pursed his lips. "I missed you too."

Her expression seemed to brighten at his reply and Clary raised both eyebrows. "So, where is this fancy place?"

He lowered his head and kissed her cheek gently. Then Jace pulled her against him and they walked down the sidewalks of Manhattan like a golden couple. Those moments were the best. Holding her. Touching her. Kissing her. Talking to her. Laughing with her. Making sure she was safe. The bond they forged caused him to think that nothing could break them apart. Except him.

Jace led her up a building and she continued to press him with questions. He couldn't help but laugh. "Curiousity killed the cat." She huffed and tried to shove him away. But he held on. No, he needed to hold on to her.

The stairs were too narrow so they both had to climb onto the steps, Jace holding her hand along the way. His voice echoed in the building since it was abandoned over ten years ago. The paint was peeling on the door in an ugly gray color. Age took a large toll on the property. Jace felt Clary's fingers tighten around his hand and he managed a weak chuckle. "Scared, are we?"

She took a while to answer. "It's just weird, that's all."

He jerked the last door open forcibly and ran into a howl of wind and snowflakes that drifted past his ears. Jace heard Clary take a sharp intake of breath. "Are you cold?" He asked, rubbing his hands together to recieve warmth.

She didn't repond instantly so he turned and saw that her eyes were flickering from the edge of the three story building to the ground. "What. are. we. doing. here?" Clary paused through each word and waved an accusing finger in the air.

Jace laughed, his chest rising and falling. "I told you."

The girl back away from him and towards the door. He jogged over to Clary and tackled her into a somewhat bear hug. She shouted in alarm but he listened as she giggled uncontrollably. The sky was beginning to darken and the clouds were taking on an ash color. Their puffs of air were visible and Clary lied atop of him, her arms pinned under his. Her cheeks were now rosy and nearly matched her wild hair. Jace's teeth were chattering but he had all the heat needed from her.

He cupped her face and brought it centimeters from his. She leaned lower and did the rest. His fingers ran against her spine and Jace felt her shiver. Clary's lips were heated and she could taste the sensation of what he felt too. It was amazing, better than any kiss they had ever shared. No fireworks went off. No rain. No cliché movie scenes. Just skin on skin. Simple.

They exhaled through their noses not wanting to let go of eachother. Without his support, she probably would have rolled to the softly dusted with snow ground. He broke apart from her, eyes stuck on the wide orbs of forest leaf hues. There was a faint curve to Clary's lips and then a giggle descended from her chest and he gaped at her as she began to roll away from him in sudden laughter.

Jace couldn't keep a straight face for long. "What is it?"

She appeared crazy. Out of her damn mind. Mad. Foolish and even idiotic but he admired the whole lunatic show Clary was displaying. After a few minutes, she stopped and sighed as if nothing out of the ordinary had occured. "It's nothing. I just like kissing you." Shrugging, she crossed her arms over her chest.

Then it all came rushing back to him. Why he was there...He had to say it now before he could find a chance and cower away.

But he pushed those thoughts away. He didn't want to but it was required. So that day, instead of facing her and telling her the truth, Jace just had fun with her, a fake smile plastered on his face. She didn't seem to ever notice and kept going about it. Maybe she was just blind to what he was thinking. Surely she wasn't a mind reader; that was for sure.

A few weeks later

A loud knock was heard in his bedroom and he released a frustrated sigh, too exhausted to even turn the knob. His head was throbbing and he shoved a pill into his mouth with trembling fingers before stuffing the small container into his cabinet drawer. "Come in." He replied gruffly.

Then she appeared into view, her hair in a violent frenzy. Her expression was concerned but angry. Jace wondered why she appeared that way. Maybe something happened... Yet he remained lying on the all too comfortable bed, eyes back on the ceiling. The room wasn't his since Clary informed him she was still working on the 'surprise'.

"What is with you?" Was her first question. Bewilderment and exasperation. His eyebrows knit and he smiled lazily.

"Hi Clary." Jace answered. He still didn't look at her. His voice was unusually cheerful but unwelcoming. Her lips parted.

"Jace? Are you okay?" Clary took a hesitent step forward, a frown forming on her face. He paid no attention to the girl in the room. Instead he shut his eyelids and hummed deliberately. She halted at the foot of the bed and glared at his limp body.

"Do you think this is funny? I called you for two weeks but you never answered. I visited but you were never there. What is happening?" She demanded, blinking rapidly. He turned his face at a leisurely pace and met her disheartening gaze.

"I. was. busy." Her shoulders went rigid at his words and what looked like a box fell from her hands. His eyes were still on her face but she couldn't decipher his expression. Jace's tawny orbs were now dull. Dark.

"W-What? What do you mean? Busy?" Clary stumbled on the words trying to regain her composure but eventually failing. This isn't Jace. It isn't. It's someone else. Who is he? Why is he acting this way?

"Don't act innocent Clarissa. You know what I mean." She winced at the way he pronounced her name. There was no anger. No sadness. No happiness. No resentment. Nothing. That was the issue; he didn't show any emotion.

"No I don't. Is it because I care too much for you? That I'm annoying you with my calls? It feels like I'm the only one feeling something in this relationship!" She exclaimed defiantly, unable to hold the growing rage building inside of her.

Jace's fingers curled tightly around the covers and he sat up gracefully. Then he spat out his words with so much ferocity it packed a heavy punch. "Do you fucking think that? Do you? If you only knew. If you only knew the shit I have to go through... If you're worried about me, imagine how I feel. Just do that for a second will ya?"

For a split second Clary stood there registering the words he spoke so freely of. Then she balled her fists and shouted in response. "I called." She swallowed back a sob. "I wanted to see if you were okay. J-just that. Is that too much to ask? I wanna hear from you. I wanna talk to you. I wanna sleep beside you and tell you that story you like. So why do you keep putting up a wall in front of me? I LOVE YOU. THAT'S IT. I DO."

She could almost hear his breathing like an old man. Jace doubles over and says something she could not possibly hear. Clary lingered where she was, the tears falling without restraint. Her eyes stayed on his body. "I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I love you Jace Herondale." She whispered repeatedly. Sinking to her knees, she crawled on the carpet over to where he was hunched over. The pain he felt seemed like a strong breeze that blew past her.

Her freckled skin was blotched with clear tears. Clary's cries were raw and she tried to hold them in with all her might but they kept leaking out. Her fingers wrapped around his hands. His head was bent between his knees but Jace was silent. "Why won't you say the same? Why don't you tell me you love me?" She questioned, gasping for much needed air.

Then he glanced up at her his face losing all previous vulnerability. There was something dripping from his nose. Something red. It was blood. It slowly cascaded onto the white carpet, dusting it in crimson color. "Leave. Leave me alone. Just...leave."

Her mouth opened but he pleaded once more. "Clary, just go. Go."

She coughed and staggered to rise. He didn't watch. Then she left. She walked out of the room leaving no evidence she was there in the first place except for the sparkling necklace beside the closet. A necklace with the letter J hanging on the chain.

[a/n]: There you go! Review for a faster update. Thanks so much!