Chapter 21

Italic Flash back

He felt warm and his eyelids didn't seem so heavy anymore. He flexed his muscles but his hand wouldn't move the way he wanted it to… His eyelids fluttered open and he looked down at the white blanket covering him, he sneered at the offending color but shifted his head to the left. He looked down and saw hands, they were entwined, no wait…it was his hand. He tried to move it but found that no amount of strength could command it. He realized he actually couldn't feel his hand anymore, it had fallen asleep. With some effort he turned his body and unhooked her fingers from his.

He lifted up his hand let it fall heavily to his side, gravity eventually helped the blood flow to his hand and his fingers began to twitch as he attempted again to move his it. An annoying pricking shot through his arm and rested at his fingertips, another sign that his hand had been in the wrong position for the entire night. He looked over at Claire and felt an overwhelming feeling, what was it? He had admitted he cared for her, maybe more than he should. He looked at her pale face sleeping… that was right; he cared more than he should.

He gazed down at her with guilty eyes, she couldn't stay with him, she would only end up getting hurt. Besides sooner or later the Dark Lord was bound to find out where his true loyalty's lay. And then what? He would go after Claire, probably torture her in front of him, kill her in front of him and then kill him. No, he definitely couldn't do that to her, she had done nothing to deserve any of it…he did.

And, what of Lily? His chest contracted with pain that he was familiar with for the last fourteen years. Was he replacing her in his heart? His heart was frozen but it seemed as though Lily was trapped inside, frozen during time along with him. He couldn't replace her…he just couldn't.

Had he led her on? She would be happier without him anyway, he ruined everything he touched. He would put her in danger, he would probably break her heart when he had one of his little outburst of anger where he said things he didn't mean. His personality was too deformed and he…he wasn't good enough for her. She deserved someone who could have a future with her. He was most likely going to die within the next few years during his service to the Dark Lord. He couldn't give her a happy life nor children, he was sure she would want them sooner or later.

He stepped out of bed quietly and walked over to her bedside, her hand was still outstretched but this time it held nothing. He grasped it gently and folded her arm onto her chest. He was about to turn around and leave when he noticed a single stray curl resting against her cheek. He walked back up to her bed and lifted his arm. His fingers shook as he curled her hair around one pale finger. He twisted it around, feeling its softness and he gently tucked it behind her hear. He let his hand fall to his side and gazed one last time at her sleeping form, he was going to have to push her away, it was best for her.

He went to turn around when he bent down next to her ear instead.

"I'm sorry." He whispered and turned around heading for the hospital exit. He had apologized for many reasons, for falling for her, for hurting her, for putting her in danger and for all the things he knew he wouldn't be able to give her. He opened the door and walked out without a backwards glance.

\\\\\ Saturday\\\\ - Nothing \\\\Sunday\\\\\ - Nothing \\\\Monday\\\\ - Nothing \\\\Tuesday\\\\ - Nothing \\\\Wednesday\\\\- Nothing \\\\\Thursday\\\\\ - Nothing \\\\Friday\\\\\ - Nothing \\\\\ Saturday\\\\- Nothing \\\\Sunday\\\\\- Nothing \\\\Monday\\\\ - Nothing \\\\Tuesday\\\\ - Nothing \\\\Wednesday\\\\ - Nothing \\\\\Thursday\\\\\ -Nothing \\\\Friday\\\\\ - Still nothing...

It had been almost been two weeks, Claire couldn't stop crying even if she wanted to. What had she done? He was avoiding her, he wouldn't talk to her and when he did it was a lot nastier then he was with Harry Potter. Had she insulted him, embarrassed him maybe? Why was he acting like that?

Claire was sitting at her desk, there were tissues littering her desk and her floor. She didn't want to see anyone and she didn't want anyone to see her. She was trying desperately to grade tests by herself but she couldn't get her mind off the first time she tried to talk to him. She thought back to the encounter and more silent tears rolled down her cheeks.

Knock, Knock, Knock

She waited patiently for the door to open, Severus hadn't been himself lately, but she didn't want that to prevent them from meeting up as usual to grade their tests. He hadn't been their when she woke up and she was a little put out by that but she supposed he was just busy. She was excited to see him again and she rocked on her heels as she waited…odd no one answered, but he was always in his chambers at this time of night.

She knocked again and suddenly the door flung open quickly almost smacking her in the face.

"Severus! Watch out, you almost hit—"She stopped in mid sentence, something wasn't right.

"Your point?" He sneered at her.

"Umm…Something bugging you Severus?" She asked heatedly, what was his problem?

"Sticking your nose where it doesn't belong again, right Miss Laurel? Now if you would kindly leave I have better things to do than stand in my doorway having pointless chatter." He hissed at her.

She stared at him open mouthed, what the hell was wrong with him?

"Severus, did I do something? Just tell me what I did wrong." she whispered to him, she could feel her eyes starting to prick but she refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry.

"You always think it's about you don't you? You wanted to talk to me, to get to know me? Well what? Aren't you happy, am I what you expected?" He sneered at her, his voice no longer held the velvety cool and honey sweet texture to it; it was hard as ice and unyielding.

She felt like her heart was tearing itself in two with every word that he said to her. The venom in his voice was dripping into her heart and lungs, it was poisoning it until she felt like she couldn't breathe, she couldn't even answer him…

"I didn't think so." He whispered, but his voice held no warmth as it had before. He shut the door in her face and she let her tears fall, she tried not to make a sound but it wasn't long before a small strangled noise came out of her throat. Her soul was being ripped in two; it was at that moment that she realized that…she loved him.

She replayed the moment over and over in her head, what had she done? What could she do to make it up to him? She had tried to talk to him so many times but every time she would corner him in the hallway he would slip away from her. He wasn't even giving her a chance to ask how she could make it better with him. She was falling apart without him. Her classes weren't fun anymore, the students had given up trying to talk to her, as well as her co-workers…she didn't even want to know what she looked like.

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The first time she had come to his quarters for their usual work time together he had felt his heart starting to contract with harsh movements. She had knocked on the door and he had swung it open roughly almost hitting her on purpose. They had had their fight but he watched her face closely when she seemed about to cry for the first time. It hurt like hell knowing that he was making her look like that but he kept watching as word after word cut her down.

He watched as her face crumpled when his voice took on a bitter edge and he not so discretely told her to leave. He memorized her broken face and replayed it in his mind, he reminded himself that if he did it now while she wasn't too attached to him then he could avoid giving her that pain but ten times worse when he returned dead from a death eater meeting.

He had slammed the door in her face and laid his back against the closed door. At first he heard nothing and supposed maybe she was already over it and would move on quickly, besides, she couldn't possibly think he would be good enough for her…maybe she had finally realized that? His stomach clenched unpleasantly at that thought but he stayed glued to his closed door.

After several minutes he heard a strangled cry from her throat and his arms shook terribly. He wanted to wrench the door open, tell her he was sorry and promise her everything he knew he couldn't give her, just to see her smile at him again, he wanted to see her eyes shine when he made her laugh or when she was just happy.

He wasn't sure if he could handle hearing her cry but he didn't have to because she ran out of the dungeons without stopping. He had taken in a deep breath and wished he never had to do that again.

It had been around two weeks since their last encounter; he couldn't believe how much he missed her. He missed her nightly stop off's, he missed her smile, her laugh, he missed her scream when they had soared into the air on a broom stick and he missed her teasing. He knew it sounded ridiculous but he missed the feeling of her in his arms, he missed the weight against his chest even the soft breathing on his neck when he held her really close on those special occasions. But he couldn't have it back, he didn't deserve her and she didn't deserve to be hurt.

She had tried to talk to him but he would sneer at her and walk a little faster so he could avoid her. He had been secretly watching her for the past two weeks, he had noticed that her hair didn't wave as well as it did normally, her eyes were constantly red and her face was pale, even her movements looked dead. He had heard rumours that her classes were going down the drain, students were worried about her and he had heard many teachers voice their concerns.

Because he was the only one who seemingly didn't care that she was so obviously in pain people started blaming him. Well…it just so happened that this time, they were right. He felt horrible for causing her pain but he was so sure that she would thank him some day when she had a better person by her side, someone who hadn't destroyed their lives and the lives of many other people, someone who could give her children and a nice home. He was more than capable of supporting her financially but he wasn't so sure he could do it emotionally. He wasn't good at displaying affection and he knew she would need it. His past was too dark, too sinister; she needed someone with a clear conscious, someone who didn't have nightmares every night or spend their life regretting almost everything they'd done.

Yes, she could definitely do better; she would thank him some day…

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Neville was suspicious; he had noticed that all of a sudden the Slytherin boys had backed off. It didn't make sense, they had lost many house points and had gotten into even more detentions but they hadn't backed off, until that day. He was expecting them to come along at any minute, but no one came. It was really starting to confuse him, why had they just suddenly decided to stop picking on him?

Neville was walking towards his defence class with Harry, Ron and Hermione. He opened the door and gazed at his defence teacher. Her eyes were red and puffy, she looked as if she hadn't gotten any sleep in a while and she barely spoke to them anymore. She had been that way for some time now and it hurt him every time he saw her like that. He wanted to know what was wrong but whenever he approached her about it she would tell him he didn't need to worry about her.

Every time the Slytherin boys would try and get him again, she would always show up like she promised. Even though she was a mess, she would show up and protect him like she did almost every day. But she wouldn't utter any words of encouragement to him like she used to, she would simply tell him to go to bed and she would turn on her heel and walk back in the other direction. He hated seeing her so…so unkempt. She was always so proper and neat, she always looked presentable but she just looked like she'd been abandoned somewhere and then left on her own for weeks on end.

Neville had also noticed that Professor Snape was worse than usual, the man had always scared him shitless but he was being extra nasty in his classes. He had wondered briefly if the two were connected but dismissed it in a second, Professor Laurel and Professor Snape had nothing in common and besides, who would go out with him?

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It had been a week now that the boys in Slytherin hadn't picked on him, he saw them in class but they paid him no attention…maybe they had found a new target? He was hopeful but knew it wasn't true; they were probably just lying low… They would glance at him every so often and smile cruelly, if they were trying to scare him it was sure as hell working. By the end of the week his hands were shaking, he jumped at every little sound…he wasn't ready for an attack; he didn't want to fight anymore. He decided it was time to go and talk to Professor Laurel, she was the only he trusted after all.

The end of class bell rang and everyone stood up and left without delay.

"Hey Neville, let's go were going to be late for transfiguration."

"You guys go ahead I need to speak with Professor Laurel."

"Okay, Neville we'll tell McGonagall that you're with her."

"Thanks guys." Neville said, Harry clapped him on the back gently as they left the classroom. Neville slowly approached his Professor but stopped mid way. He watched as she slowly lifted herself off of the chair and collects her papers. Her mind seemed to be elsewhere and she looked like a zombie… Maybe it wasn't the best time to bring it up? Suddenly he was nervous, would she think he was a coward or that he couldn't stand up for himself? What if she thought he was only looking for attention? Suddenly he turned on his heel and strode out the door, maybe he would talk to her about it later…

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It had been almost three weeks now that Severus was no longer talking to her, she didn't know if she could handle it much longer. It was after dinner so she was sitting in her office trying her hardest to grade papers, she once again had tissues all over her desk but she hadn't cried in a couple days now…she felt like she had exhausted all the tears she could. She felt a dull pain in her chest that she was starting to get used to…not a good thing. Suddenly there was a knock at her classroom door. With a flick of her wand she opened it and waited for whomever it was to come into her office. The person walked past the desks until they reached the door to her office which was open.

"Professor?" Neville asked.

"Yes, Neville?" She asked, her voice sounded hoarse, she had a headache and in all truth, she didn't feel like dealing with him at the moment.

"I want t-to talk to you about something."

"What is it Neville?" She snapped at him, she rubbed her temples and tried to cool herself down; she didn't mean to snap at him. The boy seemed to distance himself when she barked at him.

"The boys in Slytherin…I think there up to something, they haven't been picking on me in almost a week now and I think---"

"You think their lying low or something?" She glared up at him with tired eyes.

"Neville, if they stopped it means they are finished with their juvenile pranks." She said still trying to keep her voice under control.

"But I'm serious I think there up to some—"

"Neville!" She yelled at him. "It's over ok? They've stopped, I'm sorry but I don't have time for this!"

The boy stood stock still and without saying a word he left and shut the door quietly behind him. She regretted her actions as soon as she had done them. She had work to do and she had a massive headache, she had been in a foul mood for the past three weeks and she hadn't meant to snap at him she was just…just…She knew there was no excuse for it, why was everything going so horribly wrong?! She felt hopeless and useless again, she was standing up from her chair…she hadn't even noticed she had stood up and yelled at the boy through her irritation.

She was so ashamed of herself that in a fit of anger she swept her hands across her desk and everything flew to the floor. Bottles crashed, books fell and her quills bounced off the tiled floor. Suddenly she gasped as pain shot through her fingertips. They were bleeding, she could tell. She waved her wand over the wound and shards of glass were removed quickly but painfully, she let them float over to the garbage bin and with one quick motion she quickly healed her fingertips. It seemed as though she had broken a small vial, it was the same one she had had Hermione touch when she had blinded the girl for the first time.

The only thing she hadn't realized was that the pain she had thought was from the glass was in fact something a lot more urgent.

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Neville was so ashamed of himself, it was obvious she was having a rough time and he had gone and aggravated her. He was embarrassed and wanted to make it up to her. He was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't hear the muffled snickers and shuffling footsteps following him back up to Gryffindor tower. Suddenly a large black shadow enveloped him, his hands were tied behind his back and his necklace was ripped from his neck and broken with one swift snap.

"Who's going to help you now Longbottom?" Someone whispered in his ear, he gulped, his mouth felt dry and he prepared himself for a long night.

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Knock, Knock, Knock.

Someone was knocking on her classroom door again, maybe it was Neville. She hoped it was, she needed to apologize to him she was really starting to regret snapping at him. She hurried to the classroom door and wrenched it open.

"Neville, I'm so s—"but it wasn't Neville.

"Evening Professor." Came a whisper, it sounded familiar but with a suppressed anger.

"Harry?"

"Yes."

"What's wrong?" She asked slowly, something obviously wasn't right.

"You should know Professor; he came to see you after all…didn't he?" Harry's voice sounded odd, he sounded almost betrayed.

"Harry, what are you talking about?" She asked, she was starting to get scared, why did he sound like that? What happened?

"You promised you'd be there for him, you promised that no matter what…you would help him."

"Yes I did." She said slowly, she assumed he was talking about Neville…she had helped him, hadn't she?

"So much for that." The boy snorted.

"Mr. Potter," She said coolly "Would you mind explaining to me what has happened?"

"Oh nothing, Professor, nothing to concern yourself with, it's obviously not worth your time."

"Harry, please…what's wrong?" She was pleading now; her gut was twisting unpleasantly, she needed to know what this was all about.

"Well, you could always head up to the hospital wing, I'm sure he'll be up and ready to tell you all about it…" the boy said bitterly.

"Neville's in the hospital wing?" She asked, her voice went up a pitch, her heart started to pump faster than normal and felt ready to fall over.

"Yes, not that you care though, you obviously don't have time for him." Harry's glare was hard, she could feel it, his eyes were straining on her face…gouging her reaction.

"H-Harry, what's wrong with Neville? W-was it the boys in Slytherin? But that's impossible, the necklace was—"

"Broken." The boy whispered in a deadly voice. "They broke it off his neck…not to mention the neck itself."

"Oh my God." She whispered, this wasn't happening! This couldn't happen…

"But it's alright Professor, he'll be ok because Madam Pomfrey found him in time." She couldn't move, she couldn't even breathe.

"Thanks for your help; we knew we could count on you." Harry said slowly. He turned around and walked away.

Claire felt her stomach churned, her insides felt like a mush. She sank down against the wall outside of her classroom and brought her knees up to her chest. She tried to hold it back but it was too late. The first few tears leaked out of her eyes and pretty soon sobs racked her body. She couldn't even hold back the horrible sounds she was making; Neville was all she could think of. She brought her hands up to her face and cried harder then she had since her mother had died. She had let him down, her Neville…She had turned him away when he needed help, she yelled at him when he told her his suspicions and she snapped at him for seeking help…help from someone who had offered it and then taken it away. What had she done?

Suddenly she felt cold hands close around her own and pull them away from her face. She couldn't stop crying and heart wrenching sobs escaped her lips. Gentle finger tips brushed away her tears and held her face in a tight yet soft grip.

"Shh." Said a voice she knew only too well, she grabbed onto his shirt and refused to let go… she clung there and sobbed her heart out, but he didn't leave as she had expected him to.

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Severus was walking by the corridors when he heard people talking; he turned the corner but stayed hidden in the shadows.

He watched the conversation between Potter and Claire with close attention, he was tired and had just spent the last few hours summoning potions for Poppy because it seemed as though Longbottom had had a hard trip.

He had felt bad for the boy; there was no reason for any student to pick on another like that. He listened to Potters hissed words, the boy was being extremely disrespectful and he wondered why Claire wasn't reprimanding him.

Suddenly she started to stutter, her face went pale and she gazed at him with round eyes.

"Thanks for your help; we knew we could count on you." The boy said acidly and stalked off, what an insolent child! He really didn't like that boy.

He glanced back at Claire and watched as her fragile body slid down the hall way wall. She started to shake uncontrollably and she looked as though she was going to be sick. He wanted to go over and comfort her but he knew better, he had his reasons for staying away from her.

Against his better judgment he stayed where he was and watched, her shoulders started to shake and silent tears escaped her eyes, after several seconds broken sobs racked her small frame. His heart screamed in agony as he watched her cry, he needed to go…he needed to go see her, to tell her everything was ok. No…he stopped himself, he had his REASONS! He needed to stick to them, he had to stay out of her life, and she needed someone better than him.

She started to cry harder than he had ever seen or heard her cry, his heart was bleeding, he couldn't watch this! But his eyes stayed glued to the scene in front of him. She started mumbling and choking out sobs. Suddenly his reasons for staying away from her seemed to get weaker by the second, he watched her crying, broken and in pain. Could he be there for her when she needed it? Could he help her when she was alone or scared?…could he protect her? For a split second the answer was obvious…yes, yes he could. And what of Lily? Could he replace her with another witch? But that's when he realized…he didn't need to replace her; he only needed to find more space in his heart for another. And find space he damn well did.

Finally, with his mind made up he strode over to her crumpled form without missing a beat. He bent down on his knees and removed her hands from her face. Her eyes were horribly red from weeks of crying and lack of sleep. He gently wiped away her tears and leaned his head against hers.

"Shh." He mumbled softly to her, suddenly she gripped his shirt in an iron grasp and didn't let go. She sobbed brokenly into his shirt and he wondered for the tenth time what could have possibly made her break down so horribly? He gently put his hands on either side of her face and leaned his head on hers he continued to mumble sweet nothings in her ears, hoping with all his heart he could make her feel better.

A/N- Hey guys, I was really sad to break them up for a while but thats only going to make the next chapter a bit sweeter, thanks so much for all of your reviews they are extremley appreciated! Thx guys! let me know what you think.