Okay. So I am really sorry this took so long to post. I was stuck with where to go from the last chapter. I had a huge block in front of me of where do go between chapter 20 and then up to the movies! I'm not sure if I am 100% happy with this chapter, but I hope you guys like it regardless. I also want to thank you guys for sticking with me even though it has been forever. And thanks to all who reviewed I appreciate those so much I can't even explain it and also thank you to all those who favorited and followed! :)
Disclaimer: I do not own Thor/Avengers. I do not claim too. :)
Loki watched her sitting there, staring at nothing. Or maybe she was watching the sun set and then the stars. He honestly didn't care what it was she was looking at. The fact remained it was all she did and so it annoyed him. Not that he would give her any indication. He was being supportive of her, as any husband should be while their wife was recovering from a trauma. He just didn't know what to do, how to help her, other than let her sit there, staring. Each day, when she woke, she would stand up, bathe, dress and then sit outside on their balcony. She only went back inside when Loki himself went out there to bring her inside.
Sometimes he would go out and sit with her, speak with her. But all her responses had none of the usual feeling or enthusiasm that she usually had. He did have to admit though, that it was better than her being silent and completely withdrawn. When they had let go of each other in the healing halls, Loki got a front row seat of Althea being emotional until she seemed to withdraw within herself and her eyes lost the usual warmth and fire. Now, only a faint glow of the life that was slowly leaving her as the shell she now was remained.
He would not leave her alone, so most days it was just him sitting with her. But even he needed a break, so reluctantly he allowed Sif to sit with Althea while he went and had some time to himself to breathe. It was frustrating, not knowing what to do, what to say…
Slowly, he walked outside of their room and out onto the balcony to stand beside her, "Sif is going to come and see you today while I speak with my mother," he informed her.
Althea nodded, not taking her eyes off the horizon. Loki hoped he would get a verbal response from her, and not just a physical one. Yet, his hopes were lost. She only spoke when asked a direct question that required an answer of her more elaborate than yes or no.
"I will see you later then," he told her, kissing her head, lingering there for a moment before walking away from her with a sigh.
"Loki?" He heard her soft voice call out to him, so timid and small, not like it should be.
"Yes?" He replied turning to look at her, hoping she was looking back at him, but her eyes were still on the same spot.
"I love you," She told him, maybe sensing that he needed the words to come from her. And he did. Even when she was hurting, withdrawn and so sad, she still thought of him and the thought made him smile slightly.
"And I you," he told her before walking away to the door, where he saw Sif coming in.
"How is she today?" Sif asked him with interest.
He paused for a moment, and then spoke, "The same," he said, before striding away from her and walking out the door.
Althea didn't mean to cause Loki so much pain. She didn't mean to stare at nothing for hours on end each day. She wasn't really sure how to help herself, or how to let others help her. She felt useless and naïve, she didn't think she was worthy of the attention Loki gave her, that Sif or anyone else gave her. It was her fault, the mess she was now in. If only she had seen Eirik for what he truly was. She was blinded by the persona that he put forth and because of that her father was dead, and so was Etta. How could Sif sit beside her with such care and love in her eyes as she talked about all that Althea had missed in her time away, or about how her training was coming along. Did she see the cause of their father's death sitting before her?
"-And did I tell you that Fandral still has not stopped his endless flirting? How many times do I have to best him in combat before he understands that I do not share in his feelings? I don't know why, but I still love Thor, even though he only sees me as his friend and comrade but-" Sif continued speaking, but Althea tuned her out for now. Usually she would be happy to listen to Sif and offer her advice, but now her thoughts were too heavy and all-consuming.
Sometimes she found herself wishing to be back in that golden meadow, to not have to feel anything but peace. Now that she was back to herself she wanted to be there, to speak to her father again, this time with her memory of who she was. Yet she felt that even if she did go to that golden field, Fenrir would not be joining her there again. She thought of the golden meadow often. It was hazy, like a dream but still clear enough that she could remember it. At the time, her surroundings were not important, nothing mattered there except being at peace. Althea was curious to know exactly where she was though. She knew not of a meadow in Asgard where the grass was golden and the sun never set or where there was a great golden gate. It was times like this, when she thought about the place that it made her sad.
She wished she could have spoken to her father more, to just… spend some more time with him. She was not the type to keep a grudge for long, and while she was deeply hurt by what her father did with Eirik she knew he only wanted the best for her. He couldn't have known any better than she did that Eirik was so…unstable and willing to hurt her in his twisted show of love. Fenrir did not like Loki, and liked him even less when she married him, that was made clear. It was still a mystery to her though: why did he hate Loki? It had to be more than bitterness at her marrying him behind his back, without her father's permission. It was too late now to ask him for an explanation. She could ask aloud but would receive no answer from him…so all she could do was forgive him.
He was her father, and she loved him despite all the things he had done to her. She only hoped he forgave her too, for being the trouble that caused his death…and she hoped Sif did as well. But she did not want to jump to conclusions and so interrupting whatever it was Sif was saying Althea asked her the question that was plaguing her mind.
"Do you blame me?" She asked, looking over at Sif with only her eyes to see her stop speaking in surprise and look at her questioningly.
"For what?" Sif asked her, setting a hand on her arm.
"For his death, for father's death…" Althea asked, looking down to Sif's hand pressed comfortably to her arm.
"How could you even think that? Of course I don't! Eirik is the one to blame for father's death," Sif replied with a hardness in her tone that left no room for argument, at least to anyone but her sister.
"But I am the reason he fought Eirik, I am the reason that he died, that Etta died that this whole mess happened. If I had just looked closer and seen what was truly there, not what I was supposed to, father would still be here…" She trailed off, holding back the tears that threatened to fall. Tears were a sign of weakness. She learned that in her time with Eirik and she would not let them fall. She had to be strong; she couldn't be weak anymore, she refused to be.
"We were all deceived by Eirik, it was in the hands of the fates, what happened to father and Etta and to you. I do not blame you, no one blames you for this except yourself!" Sif replied forcefully turning Althea so she faced her sister and made her look at her. "Stop blaming yourself, stop staring at nothing all day! Wallowing in your supposed guilt does nothing but cause more pain for you and for everyone that loves you! I understand what you went through was traumatic and that you needed time to come to terms with what happened but it's time now to move past that and into the next stage of your recovery!" Sif said, shaking Althea's shoulders as some anger seeped into her tone, masking the pain that she surely felt.
Althea could sense it though, call it twin telepathy, a sisterly bond, it didn't matter, she knew Sif, a thousand plus years and how could she not know the last of her family? Sif always put up a front to hide the deep emotions that she did feel, she had to portray a strong warrior if she wanted to survive in a place where men dominated the fighting field and Althea had to say Sif did it well. But Althea could see the hurt and pain in Sif's eyes as she spoke and Althea promised herself she would try and do better for her sister, for Loki and for herself…
"I will…" Althea said, with as much feeling she could muster into the two words. Perhaps Sif's speech was a little harsh and forceful but if there was one trait they shared it was that they were both stubborn. It took something significant to push them into doing something. Seeing the pain on Sif's face made her realize something, if that was what Sif was feeling, then how much was Loki? And instantly Althea felt guilty again but pushed that feeling away, remembering that she was going to do better. She would make it up to him, show him how much she cared and loved him.
Who better to help him with his wife then a woman, more specifically, his mother? The only other woman in his life that he loved and completely trusted. Frigga would give him advice, that Loki was sure of and if she had none to give then he was lost with what to do again. He thought he could have handled it on his own, that all Althea needed was time but Loki had begun to doubt himself and he wished he had sought Frigga out earlier.
Walking inside his mother's chambers, not even sparing a glance at the guards who stood at the doors he charged inside with determined steps. "Leave," he ordered of his mother's handmaidens more than a little coldly, but it got them to move faster out of the room and Loki felt no guilt for treating the servants that they were poorly.
Frigga gave him a disapproving look but said nothing as her attendants left them alone. "Loki, I haven't seen you lately, how are you?" She asked with a soft smile, gesturing for him to sit across from her at a small table.
"Tired, confused, I come here seeking your help," he explained sitting down in the chair heavily, letting his cold exterior fall. It was only his mother and he in the room now, and she would see through any façade he put up anyway.
"I knew you would come sooner or later, I assume this is about Althea?" She asked, and Loki nodded his agreement.
"I don't know what else to do," he told her. "She sits there staring at nothing for hours, she hardly speaks unless spoken to. I have tried being gentle, being patient, telling her how much I love her but nothing seems to get through to her," he admitted, hanging his head slightly.
"People deal with their pain in many different ways, it would help me to know exactly what happened to her while she was there," Frigga explained, looking over at him as his head lifted and their gazes met.
Loki sighed, "I would tell you, but I don't have the knowledge that you seek," he admitted.
"Oh? Perhaps that is your problem right there. Ask her about what happened, gently of course, but she cannot truly heal without facing what happened to her as hard as it may be…" Frigga trailed off with a sad smile.
"How can I ask her to relive the things she went through?" Loki replied, shaking his head slightly, but he did agree his mother had sound advice.
He found himself many times imagining just what Eirik must have done to Althea, and not knowing the truth of what really happened was causing the scenarios in his mind to increase in their horror.
"You don't have to speak of all that happened at one time, prompt her to tell you what happened, and then let her share what she wants too," Frigga replied with a small smile.
"And what if she doesn't want to share?" Loki asked looking down at the table.
"She will," Frigga replied with a knowing look, "She loves you, and because of that love she would not want to hide things from you."
"Very well," Loki said, standing up, "I will go and speak with her now, thank you for your advisement," he said, before turning and walking out of the room.
"It's what I'm here for," Frigga called after him, a sad smile on her lips, one that no one but she knew was there.
Loki wasn't sure how he was going to get Althea to talk with him, or where exactly they would talk. Most likely on the balcony, that was where she seemed to be most comfortable and so it was a surprise that when he walked inside their chambers he found Althea seated in a chair, a cloak around her shoulders and Sif nowhere to be found.
As he walked in she stood up and smiled at him, momentarily causing him to falter in his steps from the shock of things. The smile wasn't as bright as her usual ones were but there was no strain in her eyes and she seemed very happy to see him.
"Where is Sif?" He asked, looking around the room.
"I sent her away, I needed some time for myself to…think and then I decided to wait for you to return, would you like to go for a walk in the gardens?" She asked, walking closer to him, but not touching him he realized sadly.
It took him a moment to catch up with what she said; it had been so long since she had spoken more than five words at a time! He didn't like the fact that Sif had left her alone, but by the actual life Althea was showing he decided it wasn't that much of a problem. And he was worrying the entire time on the walk back here, what he was going to say, how he was going to approach her. Only for her to speak to him, to approach him, to invite him on a walk.
"Of course," Loki replied, holding out his arm for her to take but also ready for her to reject it. Yet he was pleasantly surprised as she slowly walked over to him and took his arm in hers. They did not stand as close to one another as they usually did, but Loki didn't care. Seeing some life in her eyes made him happy in a way he hadn't been for what seemed like a very long time.
They walked silently around the gardens, on the familiar pathways they had long since memorized. Loki watched Althea's face become one of peace, and decided he would bring her to the gardens more often. It was sort of their place, where they would meet and spend time together. Here and the library, but being surrounded by so much life seemed to cause Althea to glow, after all, she was the Goddess of Life.
He didn't want to break her out of the peace she was most certainly feeling, but if there was a place to talk about what Loki planned on bringing up it was here. "You know you can tell me anything, don't you?" He asked her as they continued moving through the plants and trees around them.
Althea nodded in reply, "You want to know what happened to me, don't you?" She replied in a definitive tone, not even asking if she was correct, which she was.
"Yes," Loki replied, "But only if you wish to speak of it, I won't force you," he told her gently.
"The reason I like being outside so much is because I spent…however long I was gone inside a cabin with no windows, chained at the ankle to a column in the middle of the room; cut off from my magic, my very essence, watching myself waste away and weaken, unable to do anything about it while a crazed lunatic watched on and called me a liar when I said I was ill…" There Althea stopped, sighing to herself as they stopped walking, her hand moving to touch a blue flower in full bloom.
"You were gone five months," Loki supplied, realizing she must not know exactly how long she was gone for.
She nodded, "That is good to know, I stopped counting around the third month I think."
"I'm sorry, we don't have to talk about this, I apologize for even bringing it up at all," Loki said tugging her away from the flower so they could walk again.
But, Althea continued, as if he hadn't told her to stop, this time speaking of a subject he was dreading. "He didn't rape me," she said, and Loki closed his eyes for a moment in relief. It was not like he would see her any differently if she had been, but the fact that she didn't have to go through with that horrendous crime and act of violence made him happy.
"It wasn't for a lack of trying though, and I wish I could say I was strong enough to have fought him off adequately but without my magic and without much defensive skills without it I had little to defend myself, but he always stopped himself. I think he didn't like the idea of having me unwillingly, he…he kept trying to seduce me and every time I refused him then he would get angry and lash out…" She explained, and Loki led them over to a stone bench sitting her down, as she seemed to be trying to hold back her tears.
"You don't need to hide from me, you haven't cried since that first day and I don't know why you won't let yourself now," Loki told her, taking her hands in his and squeezing them in support. His words seemed to be the push she needed as the next thing he knew tears were pooling in her eyes then falling down her face. As he watched them fall, each one broke his heart a little more than the last.
She looked away in what he thought was shame, but she continued speaking while gripping onto his hands tightly, "I can't lie and say the idea of just accepting his advances never crossed my mind, not because I returned his affections but because I just wanted the pain to stop! But I could never bring myself to act on those thoughts, I could never betray you in such a way, I could not betray myself. I understand if you think less of me now because...I think less of me now."
At this Loki let go of her hands and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to his heart and resting his chin on the top of her head as she cried into his chest, something she seemed to be doing a lot lately. "I would never think less of you, for any reason, and you should not think less of yourself. I am proud to call you my wife because of who you are and how much you have survived. I will love you even as the universe has its dusk, I will love you through the darkest of times, I will love you for eternity."
Loki meant every word he said to her, and he would have gone on if that was what she needed as she pulled away slightly and brought her hands to his cheeks, smiling through the last of her tears. "What did I ever do to deserve you?" She asked aloud, "I love you, Loki, thank you, just your presence has helped me heal," she said before kissing both of his cheeks and then pulling away, smiling at him.
Loki returned her smile, happiness filling him as he realized her smile was just as bright and warm as it was before and it was directed at him, he was the one making her smile. He didn't think she had fully recovered with just this simple talk, but knew she was moving forwards now and hopefully they could spend the rest of their lives together in happiness and that they had passed the trial that had been set before them. Moving forward, he captured her lips with his own savouring the feel of her warmth and knowing he would not take it for granted ever again. She could disappear in an instant, but if he had his way Loki would never let go of her.