Chapter 21
Caring
The next morning Remus woke up completely confused. Where was he? Quickly, he took a glance at his surroundings. They didn't remind him of anything he knew. He tried to sit up to have a better look. Pain shot through his whole body and the memory was back immediately. The fight with Jordan. How he had fled out of the colony. This was a room in the Hogshead and he was waiting for his meeting with Dumbledore.
Remus took a few calming breaths to get used to his situation. He didn't want to look at his injuries right now, knowing that they would be quite deep and big in number. The pain in his chest made him think that there had to be indeed several broken ribs. Every movement, as tiny as it may was, made him hold his breath until the wave of pain had rolled over him.
Carefully, he rose from his bed. Taking off his clothes the usual way was too painful, so he simply vanished them to have a look at all the bruises and cuts. Most of his left side was covered in a giant, blue-black bruise. One or two deep cuts would leave new scars. Altogether he looked even worse than after a full moon. At least after a full moon with Wolfsbane.
Sighing, he decided to put his clothes back on and descend the stairs to get some breakfast. The minor injuries weren't so bad and the severe ones couldn't be vanished with simple healing spells. He would have to ask Aberforth whether he had anything in the house.
Remus sat down at the counter without as much as a groan. He knew that Aberforth wasn't talking much and would start a conversation on his own if he wanted one.
"What can I bring you?"
"Anything. If it's not raw meat."
Aberforth offered him a weak smile and put a plate with eggs, toast and some bacon in front of him, as well as a glass of water.
"Do you need anything else?"
"Do you have some healing potions?"
Aberforth shook his head and left him alone. Remus ate his breakfast in silence and decided to have a go at the streets of Hogsmeade. He would heal the bruises and cuts he could. He needed company, even if it was that of strangers. He needed to hear other people's conversations and laughter, to know that there still was anything alike in this world. Moreover, he needed something to distract him. An idea had formed in his head and it was hard to chase it away. When he had that much time left, why not visiting Tonks? Deep down he knew that it was a bad idea, but it remained in his thoughts nevertheless. He wanted so badly to hold her in his arms and tell her that he loved her. He wanted her to know, in case he died in the colony. He wanted to take the memory of her with him as vividly as he could. But it would do no good, neither to him nor to her. He needed to keep his distance, no matter what his heart begged him to do.
So he got back up the stairs after breakfast. He vanished his clothes once more, healed as much as he could and put on some of his spare clothes. Thank Merlin that he had expected a flight like this, or he wouldn't have had his suitcase with him. What was left of the clothes he had worn during the fight resembled rags more than anything else.
The fresh air and light rain outside hit him hard. The wind got underneath his thin clothes and made him shiver. It felt like it was deliberately reopening the wounds. But it was better than staying in the silent house with no other company than Aberforth. At times, Dumbledore's brother could be nice, but it seemed that now was none of those.
Slowly and with an effort not to limp, Remus walked up the main street. People seemed much more worried than when he had been here the last time. Finally, the message of the war had been getting to them. Some stores had had to shut down already and Remus knew he would hear no laughter on those streets. But maybe the Three Broomsticks still held some of their old magic. Remus had loved the place back in his days at Hogwarts. The few girls he had dated during those years he had met here. He absolutely detested Madame Puddyfoot's. He just crossed the street to enter the restaurant, when he walked into someone.
"Oh, sorry! I didn't see you! Are you all right?"
Carefully, he looked down on whoever he had banged into. He saw nothing but mousy brown hair and very pale skin. But whoever it was seemed to recognize something about his voice, for the person jumped at the sound of it. Her head jerked up and he saw two deep blue eyes. Merlin! He had walked into Tonks of all people!
"Tonks? What are you doing here?"
"I could ask you the same. I'm stationed here for the school year. What about you? Shouldn't you be you-know-where?"
She didn't dare to say the words out loud in public. Remus always knew she was bright but in their situation he hadn't expected her to think so rationally. Probably because he himself had no coherent thought left in his mind at the sight of her. She looked so broken. He hardly recognized her without her colourful hair and her eyes were much darker than before, with dark circles beneath them. She looked even more worn than last year, when she had been so depressed.
"I have a meeting with Dumbledore. Care to take a seat at the Three Broomsticks?"
He knew he shouldn't ask. He shouldn't even think about it. But he needed company and she looked as if the next breeze would throw her off her feet.
"I can't. I'm on duty. In an hour?"
For the first time, she looked at him. Her eyes contained no hope, they looked dead. It scared him. They were no longer sparkling with life. She looked tired and about to give in to something. Something he didn't want her to give in to. Something definitely not positive in any way.
"Of course. I'll be there. See you then."
He turned and made his way back to the Hogshead as quickly as possible. Her dead expression followed him, not leaving his head once. Something must have happened. It couldn't be because of him. It wasn't possible that he did that to her. Not to his beloved Nymphadora. Breathing erratic, he stormed up the stairs and fell onto his bed. He took a quick glance at the clock next to it. Still 55 minutes left. Remus already felt himself grow impatient. He wanted to see her now. He wanted to know what had changed her so much. He wanted someone to blame her state on. Someone other than himself. He rolled onto his side and looked out of the window. Somewhere out there she walked down the street, checking if everything was as it should be. Ensuring the safety of the people living in this little town. Of the pupils up at Hogwarts. She was so strong and brave for others. Yet she looked so broken and hopeless. Still people relied on her. Either she was a good actor or she just couldn't find the strength to be so strong when it came down to herself. Remus didn't know which one to hope for. She had to be strong to fight off any Death Eaters that might come her way. But on the other side he didn't want her to neglect herself. One didn't neglect the most precious thing in the whole world. What if something happened to her because she simply didn't care for herself any more? What if it was his fault? Annoyed over his own train of thought, he rolled back onto his other side and stared at the clock, willing the hands to move faster.
XxxxxxxxxX
One hour later he sat at a table in the Three Broomsticks, not knowing what to do. It would be impolite to bluntly ask her what her problem was. After all, he had said that she should stop waiting for him. He had no right to query her. But he needed to know how she was and why. He couldn't not. Every time the door opened, his head jerked up involuntarily. But it wasn't her. Just somebody who sought for shelter from the horrible weather. And his Dora was out there. Probably freezing. She didn't look like she had put any charms on her to protect her from the cold and the rain.
Remus had a look at the clock above the counter. She was five minutes late. He knew that Tonks had the habit to be late, but he couldn't fight the feeling that it had something to do with the fact that it was him who was waiting. For another ten minutes his head moved up at every movement at the door, only to be disappointed that she still hadn't appeared. Maybe she wouldn't come at all. He couldn't reproach her for it. Not after the way he had said goodbye to her at the station.
Finally, his head jerked up to find her entering. Her gaze wandered around until it met his and she walked over to sit down opposite from him.
"Why did you want to talk to me?"
She didn't let her eyes stray away from his, this time. Remus knew he was lost.
" I just... What happened? You look so different."
"You dare to ask what happened? Don't tell me you don't remember it. You know damn well what happened."
Her hair turned a little bit red.
"That can't be, Tonks. There has to be something else..."
"You want to know what happened? You happened! It's all because of you, don't search for someone else to blame that on! I'm stuck in this only because of you!"
She stayed calm enough not to shout at him in front of all the people, but her hair had turned a dangerous shade of red. Remus didn't know what she meant with 'this'. She had gestured towards her body. Okay, the hair wasn't all too appealing, but the rest of her was beautiful, as always. It was impossible for her to change into something that wasn't absolutely adorable. Too adorable for Remus to look at it for too long. Until now he had only longed for her company, but the mention of her body made him long for her physically. He wanted to take her, right then and right there. Just this one time. Just to know how it felt before he had to return to his own death. But he knew it was wrong. As wrong as it had been when they were still at Grimmauld Place, together with Sirius, and even worse because living with the ferals hadn't turned him into the most sensible man of all times. Would he have taken her right then, it would have more resembled a rapture. He didn't want it to be like this. And he certainly didn't want to set the ferals on her trace. Their animal-like life had sharpened their senses and he knew he would smell after her long enough for them to hunt her down. There was no way he could do that to her, in which sense soever.
"Im sorry, Tonks, really. But we just can't. You know why."
"No, I don't know why. Your excuses are nothing but that – excuses. Why do you run from me? What did I do wrong? Or do you just don't like me? Give me a real reason. Look into my eyes and tell me that you don't love me, that you're not even interested. I'll drop the subject straight away."
He looked into her dark eyes. They were glittering with unshed tears. And he suddenly knew that he couldn't. He would never be able to tell her that lie, not whilst looking at her. Usually, he was a gifted liar. But that wasn't a simple lie, that was the total opposite of what he was feeling. So much that he couldn't verbalise it without giving himself away. He tried to open his mouth and say the words, but they got caught in his throat. He couldn't. She was what he wanted the most on this earth. Not just on this earth. What he would want the most throughout eternity and whatever followed death. The one thing that completed his soul, no matter how many times it had been ripped apart by losing those who were closest to him. Tonks made him whole. Even if she was reproaching him, hair red with fury. She could slap him in the face and he would still feel more comfortable being around her than being without her but otherwise in the most comfortable circumstances. He swallowed hard and shut his mouth.
She still looked at him, gaze not leaving his eyes. Remus felt exposed. She knew he couldn't do it. She won. She would always win because no matter how hard he tried to fight her love, his was untouched by those tries. He could hurt both of them again and again, could do it for years, but as soon as he would have to look into those eyes and declare that he didn't love her, he would be lost.
"So you really do, hmm? I think I knew but you made me doubt it nonetheless. Why do you still fight? Please, Remus, stop it. Let's take what little time we may have left."
He couldn't take his eyes off her. He wanted to give in. So badly. So very, very badly. He wanted to take her in his arms, admit that he had been stupid and kiss her senseless, taking her up to his room or her room. His heart threatened to burst. It was beating much too fast. It would be so unbelievably easy to give in... But then he thought of the pack. The way they had looked at him. They would kill anyone who was important to him. And if he gave in, the first path would lead to Tonks. He imagined her beautiful body, destroyed like those left behind after the full moon, covered in her own blood. No. He couldn't do that. He wouldn't let this happen.
"No, Tonks. I can't. I don't want you to get hurt. You don't know how dangerous being with me is right now."
"Remus, I don't care! I can defend myself!"
"Not with twenty of them right in front of your door."
"It doesn't matter! You're more important to me than the danger. Please. I can see that you need me, now more than ever. It's certainly not easy to live with them. Give us a chance. Give me the chance to help you, to make it better, even a little bit."
Remus felt his eyes going wet. He could see in hers that she meant it. Every word. She would give her life away for him. Just to make him feel a little better. Nothing else. Just that. It made him love her even more. But it also made him more determined.
"No, Tonks. Think about it. Would you want to put me in mortal peril just to feel a little better?"
"Of course not. But it's not just you. You don't know how happy you would make me. Please, Remus. Wouldn't you take that risk for me if I were in your position?"
His last try to make her stop this discussion backfired. And how it backfired. If he were in his twenties and she were thirteen years older, a werewolf and on a suicide mission... He wouldn't care. He loved her way too much to let himself care. But he loved her too much to risk her life as well.
"You know I would. But still I won't put you at that risk. I can't. I don't want you to be killed, shunned by society and out of work! Your parents will hate you. Your friends will avoid you. And they're going to stand in front of your door until they got you..."
"Stop it, Remus. They won't kill me. I can fend for myself. My parents know. My friends know, at least those I care about. And I don't care for a society full of prejudice and hatred. If they fire me for that, I don't even want to work there any more! They're just lying to the people, making them believe they can do anything at all. They can't. They're just a bunch of hypocrites, one worse than the other. None of this is important. Please."
He just shook his head. There were no more arguments. But still he couldn't do this to her. Slowly, he rose from his chair and passed her.
"You didn't tell me what happened."
She had whispered it, but he had heard it nevertheless.
"I don't want to talk about it, Tonks."
"Tell me, is it working at all? Or is it going as I told you?"
Of course she had been right. He was barely changing anything. But maybe he could save some lives.
"Tonks, not now. I'm sure Dumbledore will read my report at the next meeting."
He limped through the rows of tables and chairs, towards the entrance. He had just reached the outside when someone touched his shoulder. Tonks.
"Here."
She shoved a bag in his arms and left. When she was out of sight, he opened the bag. It was filled to the top with all sorts of healing potions, ointments, bandages and even a few books containing the most necessary and useful healing spells.