MASH Notes

by hippiechick2112

This is Maxwell Q. Klinger reporting, head writer of the newly published MASH NOTES, a weekly camp newspaper. Feel free to subscribe and read and write for it, but it will cost you. Read more for pricing and news.

21. March 27, 1951

KOREA! M*A*S*H 4077th
March 27, 1951

The best of mornings to all, everyone, and welcome back to the fold…the fold of this great newspaper, that is. Welcome back to M*A*S*H Notes! In this edition, the last one with our acting CO and local fink, Major Frank Burns, we give in to more of his regulations and also see some victories as well. We have seen many camp prisoners freed, the food getting perhaps little better and consolation that Colonel Blake is coming back in a few days! Isn't that enough to rejoice about? I sure am happy as a man in Toledo have a Packo's hot dog!

In this edition, we are not afraid and we are standing taller than before. The Freedom Fighter in Klinger has come out and it is here to stay! We are going to print out what we want, when we want, and be as honest as we can without the Army sticking a boot in our behinds and attracting the enemy here. So, sit back and relax, everyone. Take a cup of what we call coffee here and unfold the flaps of this delightful paper. We are about to embark upon a journey that will define the end of an era. We are to express ourselves so freely, complain out in the open and plan a party for the return of Colonel Blake! So, without further ado…

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ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM MAJOR BURNS

As acting commanding officer, along with the strong Major Houlihan still at my side, I still hold orders over all of your heads. It still is our duty to lead this unit towards Army regulations and order. As of today though, although we are days away from the return of Colonel Henry Blake, we are still not a dry camp. The noise levels have been noted and alcohol has been spotted in different areas of the camp. These are still not acceptable forms of entertainment in this camp and will not be tolerated. Any and all parties found with any of the following will be subject to a report to General Barker and severe disciplinary action. I will not warn you all again.

Please see the previous edition for the rules set by myself and Major Houlihan. I do not feel the need to repeat myself. I also do not appreciate a mob freeing the doctors in the Swamp and allowing them to get drunk on my watch. The guilty people will be found and found soon. As for those who had been released too early…there will be hell to pay, especially when the report comes out. You can count on that.

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Extra! Extra! Read all about it! THE WAR WITHIN OUR HEARTS HAS ERUPTED INTO TRUE PATRIOTISM THAT KNOWS NO LEAPS AND BOUNDS! MORE NEWS WILL FOLLOW IN THIS FANTASTIC EDITION!

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Tent Schedules for Cold Weather
By: Corporal "Radar" O'Reilly

Since the Swamp is now back in working order and those inside able to walk without Major Burns' restrictions, the tent schedules are as follows, per the orders of our acting CO. I apologize if they have not been in rotation. Major Burns ordered it to be this way.

Women:

Tonight: Klinger's and Major Houlihan's Tent
Tomorrow: Nurses' Tents #1 and 2
Thursday: Nurses Tent #3 and Klinger's Tent
Friday: Major Houlihan's Tent and Nurses' Tent #1
Saturday: Nurses' Tents #2 and 3
Sunday: Klinger's and Major Houlihan's Tent
Monday: Nurses' Tents #1 and 2

Men:
Tonight: The Swamp and Enlisted Personnel Test #1
Tomorrow: Father Mulcahy's Tent and Enlisted Personnel Tent #2
Thursday: Colonel Blake's Tent and Enlisted Personnel Tent #3
Friday: Motor Pool and the Swamp
Saturday: Enlisted Personnel Tent #1 and Father Mulcahy's Tent
Sunday: Enlisted Personnel Tent #2 and Colonel Blake's Tent
Monday: Enlisted Personnel Tent #3 and the Motor Pool

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Daily Dating Tips From Those Who Know Best: The Nurses
This Week's Correspondent: Nurse Kellye

A very short tip will be issued this week as we nurses are up to our necks in Post-Op duty per Major Houlihan's orders. The one tip that I can give freely is from experience. It is to remember your true beauty and the one inside of you. You do not have to dolly yourselves up in order to impress anyone. A true man will see your true beauty in your personality and will not care about outward appearances. The outside fades, but the inside still stays just as pure and young forever.

I would have more to write about inner beauty, but that is all I can say about it. And right now, I am more concerned with my inner beauty and Major Houlihan seeing it. While the nurses' tips have been very rare, at least we have the voice we need in this paper and will raise it when we need to. More will follow in the next editions we are hoping and with Major Houlihan's blessing as well.

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SOME NEWS FROM THE WAR FRONT

~Operation Tomahawk way up in northbound Munsan is underway! One-hundred twenty C-119 and C-46 planes have been reported to have dropped three thousand four-hundred and thirty-seven paratroopers of the 187th Regimental Combat Team near the town to move into North Korea. It is called the second largest airborne operation of the war and possibly will get us more ground.
~Closer to China on the other side, MacArthur unilaterally issues an ultimatum to the Chinese people. He's pretty close to going through North Korea, with all of those planes dropping the paratroopers behind him for help. The question remains if the White House and NATO will love him for it and support his decision to eliminate the enemy the way he is. More news will follow!
~There are a reported two million and nine thousand military personnel reporting in the ROK itself and more are to be drafted in for the fight. Death and wounded tolls have yet to be updated. More will be given out when it is released to this reporter.

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SOME NEWS FROM THE HOME (AND WORLD) FRONT

~On March 21: Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, the American couple that have been accused of selling secrets to the Soviets, have been formally convicted of espionage, forcing the government to perhaps choose the death penalty for them.
~On March 22: J. Willem Mengelberg, the Dutch conductor of the famous Mattheus Passion, died at age seventy-nine.
~On March 23: Wages in France have been reported to have been raised by eleven percent, which helps with their rising prices on the market.
~On March 25: The fifth Tony Awards say that Guys & Dolls & Rose Tattoo win! Also on this day, Eddie Collins, the Hall of Fame baseball infielder (for the White Sox and the A's) and a few times a manager, died of heart problems at age sixty-three.
~On March 26: Patty Berg won LPGA Sandhills Women's Golf Open. The newest branch of the US (created a few years back), the United States Air Force, has revealed its new blue flag and declared itself the "Best Air Force in the World" (like the rest of the branches claim to be the best). Also on this day, James F. Hinkle, an American politician and sixth Governor of state of New Mexico, dies of unknown causes at age eighty-seven.
~On March 27: Frank "Old Blue Eyes" Sinatra is rumored to be recording a new song today!

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The Klinger Chronicles: Tales of Woe Without a Wardrobe
By: Maxwell Q. Klinger

Once again (and with great annoyance), due to acting command of Major Frank Burns, my stock of women's clothing has been confiscated in the name of the United States Army! Even General MacArthur himself, according to the major in charge, has sent notice to the office and demanded that this wondrous wardrobe be sent way from yours truly! Fortunately, while coming up with my schemes of madness, I have adapted and learned how to sew properly and make new clothes for myself. As I type this on Radar's rickety typewriter (since the other one has been confiscated by Major Houlihan), I am awaiting on more fabric to make more of the extravagant clothing that the United States Army will admire. I may have lost the battle, but I sure did not lose the war. And this battle has yet to be forgotten!

In the meantime, I am looking for suggestions for my future dresses, hats, purses, bonnets and everything in-between. I am thinking of a Scarlett O'Hara dress done in drapes or perhaps to become more patriotic (like a First Lady from those on Mount Rushmore) and make another Statue of Liberty outfit. If you have any suggestions, kindly bring them my way. When I get enough of those and maybe some supplies, I will set a poll to for you fine folks to vote on. I hope this is as more exciting for you as it will be for me.

Start thinking! This will show Major Burns that we are a united front and will get me back to Toledo, no matter the cost!

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Sermon of the Week
By: Father John Frances Mulcahy

Continuing the theme from last week's change of command that still rules us, I give you all a verse of hope. It is from Jeremiah 29:11.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

In this time of trial, let us all remember who to look up to. God has and always will provide for his children. We have food, shelter, clothing and each other. While we are not blood family, my children, we might as well be as close as a family. We have always stuck together through the roughest and darkest time of this forsaken war. Let us not abandon that thought and remember that we are together for a reason and that is to help those who are wounded.

Until Colonel Blake returns to us, let us hug one another a little closer and try not snap at each other. We shall pass on the toughest points in our lives and move on. This tension shall diminish, my children. Never forget that.

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The 8055th MASH News
By: Major Margaret Houlihan

Although there has been little in the way of reports concerning the 8055th and Colonel Beckett, there have been more news (as well as rumors) from Headquarters, which has been relocated to Seoul and reorganized itself. As everyone knows, the unit has been evacuated, some evidence of their existence has been found and nobody from there has seen them since. This week, the reports have been grim since a few search has resulted in some clues and none of them have been positive.

While the jeep tire tracks have led to a dead end and with no time to check the area, they have yielded more than the military and hospital equipment in the end. When enemy fire ceased a few days ago and the search continued around the radius, it was said that some bodies have been found, all of them various enlisted personnel from the 8055th. Some have been shot executioners' style and others dying from various other wounds with no to little medical attention. It was stated by Headquarters that the Chinese had been in the area and were not merciful to anybody they have encountered, especially those who tried to escape.

All other personnel from the 8055th have yet to be found and there are no new clues concerning them. In the meantime, I ask that the rumors around this camp concerning Colonel Beckett's unit cease. While we are grieving for the dead that are lost, we still have hope for those who are still missing and pray that they are alive. All new updates will be posted in the next edition officially. None will be given around the camp otherwise.

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From the Mess Tent
By: Private Igor Stravinsky

This week's meal will consist of the new shipment from good old World War II of old liver and onions or fish, since the Army has not shipped out much food lately and we have been living off of what we have in surplus. We all should give thanks to acting commanding officer, Major Frank Burns, for providing us such a nutritious meal for all of us to enjoy instead of powdered eggs and milk for every meal. He ensured that we are well provided for and will eat plenty of good food.

Just to add, Major Burns made me say that, folks. Please don't kill the messenger. And to Captain Pierce – please don't hurt me!

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Trapp's Movie Review
By: Trapper John McIntyre

Well, here we are again, with the brainless Ferret Face once again at the helm and we are his sailors trying to make everything ship-shape for some unknown being who isn't coming. Hate to break it to him, but his sailors are about to call mutiny upon him and his ship and abandoned this unit we supposedly have to be grateful for. In this case, we would be abandoning the Army and his idiotic lectures we can't remember and sleep through. As you can see, there isn't much of a review to give everyone except for the latest US Army films we're stuck with. I'll explain below.

For this week's lame movie review, I'd advise to steer away and not even to Tom peek. Because of the new Captain Ahab, we once again do not have any source of fun entertainment unless you count instructional videos provided by our lovely recruiters of the United States Army and forced upon is by the acting CO. If you want a death wish (meaning killing yourself or the person seated next to you), I would suggest watching the latest one tonight and tomorrow night and sleeping through it without death over your head or another's. Your choice.

The nurses, on the other hand, are always welcome to make a new movie in the Swamp with yours truly as the director. I would always advise the second option since I love playing the role of directing nurses to their stations. My door is always open, so just knock and present your acting skills and what role you would like to play. I will tell you everything you need to improve on, mostly concerning sitting in my lap and drinking with me.

Oh, and if you see Captain Pierce, pretend you know nothing about this little invitation. He is not invited to this cocktail party anyway.

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"Take Back Seoul" Raffle Winners!
By: Maxwell Q. Klinger and Corporal "Radar" O'Reilly

We have the official winners of the "Take Back Seoul" Raffle! Although prizes will be given out when Colonel Blake returns and the money appreciated by those taking care of the orphans, it is nice to see the winners of a raffle we have started some months before.

First Place: Father Mulcahy!
Second Place: Captain Pierce!
Third Place: Corporal O'Reilly!

There were many Honorable Mentions, which we are still sorting out. They will be mentioned in the next edition, when Colonel Blake has a chance to go through it too. He will let us know who is who is which is which when he does.

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Literary Corner
By: Nurse Louise Anderson

I have finally received a few suggestions for our next book! A couple of people have requested Moby Dick and even The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Following along with Hugo and Ismael too, I like it! I also got suggestions for Homer's The Odyssey and a final suggestion of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. Now, that last suggestion would be interesting! Instead of reading it alone, we can all join once or twice a week and actually read aloud this magnificent play and act it out! That way we all can learn to understand and appreciate it much more.

Of course, that is up to you readers, although we have had some troubles with suggestions and I detest it. I should make note that the proposition of smut in any shape or form is not tolerated, especially since there are so many sensible people in this group that are serious. So, to Captain Pierce, who suggested Desires Under the Moonlight, this is your first and only warning. We are looking for true literature, not that filth you get in the mail!

Despite this, I will give you all one more week for other suggestions. Afterwards, we will have our poll to decide our next book for the club. I know that we all have been under a lot of strain from the number of wounded that keeps piling up on us and would love the distraction, hence the extension. Remember, I'll take everything into consideration and we'll vote next week.

Start thinking, my happy readers!

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ANNOUNCEMENT FROM HAWKEYE

This is not so much as an announcement, but more of a complaint to our creators of this war and the action I am willing to take to correct it. Once more, we are served liver and onions or fish in the Mess Tent. I propose a protest in this camp tonight after dinner is supposedly served. Want to join me? Simple follow my lead in the Mess Tent this very night and I promise you, my friends, that we will get something actually edible to eat that isn't powdered or a repeat!

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ANNOUNCEMENT FROM MAJOR HOULIHAN

ANY nurse that I find in the Swamp will be severely disciplined according to Army regulations with a boot up their behind. It is enough that the doctors have been freed and will be on report any day now. We do not need any more corrupted nurses that do not follow orders as well as the doctors. Stay away unless it's a medical emergency and concerns the patients.

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MESSAGES TO THE ONE I LOVE…IN CAMP

Dearest Ginger Snaps,

I am a free man, freed at last from this slavery! The bounds have been cut away and I am available anytime now, just before they get me out of here and send me back to my permanent duty station. Care to have a dance?

Love, Love, Love,
Spearchucker

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Dearest Spearchucker,

I am glad the key worked. I am coming for your dance when I am off duty and away from the Swamp.

Glad in Heart and Soul –
Your Ginger Snaps

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To: In Love and With Love –

I appreciate your words of admiration and have a coat hanger available for any night you wish to see me. Care to write me another note of inspiration to make it all better? I'd appreciate it. Bravery costs a lot. Love is cheap. I need to be shown the way.

Interested and Waiting: Hawkeye

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My Ugly John,

I found the money and some extra to carry me over to another session. Care to see me behind the Mess Tent, if you're daring? I've still got some explaining to do, especially to one who has been freed from his prison. Maybe you'd like to be shackled to another?

One Mad Nurse

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ANNOUNCEMENT FROM AUNT SADIE

My children, because of extenuating circumstances and ones beyond my little control, Dear Aunt Sadie has been cancelled for the week on military orders. The last few letters that have been sent have been under investigation and the Army has asked that it cease for now, since the person in question is still in prison. Although we believe this nurse to be innocent of all charges, the system has to go through the wheels and we must remain silent about it until the report is written and sent out. They are saying letters can be sent for the next edition, although the only ones I've had were from the nurse confined to her quarters

I bless you all this week, my loves. Next week, we shall see more advice from your dear Aunt Sadie and more. Stay tuned!

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WEATHER

The weather can now be reported and the section is now back in business! Since Major Burns has realized that the North Koreans and Chinese have their own men to predict and report the weather, he does not feel the need to hide ours. So…

Today: Getting warmer and sunnier, although there is a hint of winter still in the air and some tent schedules that need to be rearranged. Temperatures have been in the mid-thirties and may rise in the afternoon to thirty-seven. Tonight, clouds will move on and rain is expected, with temperatures staying the same.

Tomorrow: About the same, although it will be cloudier and with a lot of wind. Temperatures are said to be dropping in the night though, going down to about twenty degrees.

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Freedom Fighter Klinger is back in town, everyone! Although this edition has set down the truths of mutiny, heartbreak and even chaos, we still await patiently for the return of our very own Colonel Blake. We cannot stand divided as one of own tears us apart and makes us snap and stand in attention daily. We stand together, as we always have, and will fight, fight, FIGHT! I am proud of you all this very day, for standing your ground and admitting to the faults of our acting CO, Major Burns, and how miserable we have been, especially in the lack of entertainment, clothes and decency. With weakness and wariness in my bones, I salute you all, from the very tip of my green Army uniform and fingers full of rashes.

Next edition, we shall hear more from Colonel Blake and his vacation in Tokyo. Out with the nasty, in with the respectable, I say! Until then, everyone, keep clean, have some hope and hand over the money you all owe me for this paper. Have a great day!