CHAPTER 20
Edward drove us out to the ocean. It wasn't a terribly cold day, but being by the ocean made it damp; and it was an overcast afternoon that looked ominous. I stepped out of his Audi and pulled my coat a little tighter around my frame. There was a slight chill in the air that was starting to go straight to the bone with our continued exposure. Edward came up next to me and slid his arm around my waist.
The area was secluded. After scanning for anyone else in the vicinity, it appeared as if we were alone. We walked down many stairs out onto the beach. I bent down and took off my shoes and socks and rolled my pant legs up in case they got wet. Thankfully, I shaved my legs this morning, so Edward wouldn't see any dark hairs on my bare legs.
I really didn't like being by the water, but since this is a special place to Edward; I would suck it up for him. We walked toward the shoreline; the waves came crashing into our legs as the tide was getting higher. I could feel the knee deep steely water rushing back out into the sea. Being stricken by a cold sweat, I grabbed Edward's arm and held on for dear life.
"Hey, hey are you okay?" He looked concerned while he was gauging my reaction. He then put his finger under my chin and tipped my face up so he could really look at me when I answered.
My voice was raspy when I spoke. "When I was a kid I was caught by a rip current and it swept me out into the ocean about 700 feet. I couldn't fight it. I was swimming parallel to the shore like you are supposed to do, but I still couldn't swim hard enough to make it. I could feel the icy water burning in my lungs when I struggled to stay up gasping for air. I had been swept under over and over again as if there were an invisible force pulling me down into the murky depths. I really thought I was going to die. If my dad hadn't seen me being swept away and jumped in to save me, I wouldn't be here right now."
"You can't swim?" Edward laughed heartily, "Your father is in the Navy and you can't swim?"
"Of course I can, but not well, especially in the ocean caught in a rip current." Exasperated, I stuck my tongue out at him, which only made him laugh harder.
Edward's tone grew serious and said, "You know I wouldn't let anything bad happen to you, right? I am an excellent swimmer." I nodded too terrified to speak. You may be an excellent swimmer, but that doesn't mean you can save me. You would have to reach me first, I thought.
The gulls were circling overhead crying shrilly. In between moments when the gulls were quiet you could hear the waves crashing into the shore then surging back out. The wind picked up and the xerophytes and other foliage were dancing to a somber tune.
Edward walked me backward away from the icy water's reach and sat me down on the cool white sand. Immense cliffs of rock, wild flowers and vines were curtained behind us giving me a feeling of being trapped. Instinctively, I started to run my fingers through the sand trying to catch each individual grain in my palms. He had walked me far enough back that the brackish breaking waves were flowing toward us barely kissing our feet saturating the sand turning it a darkened brownish-grey color.
Edward leaned in and kissed me. His supple lips tasted of sea salt and his own delicious aroma. It took me aback for just a moment. My eyes flew open and he was silently watching me. His smile was lascivious as he prolonged the kiss. Wispy tendrils of my hair had picked up in the delicate breeze blowing out and creating a cage around Edward's face. Finally, our lips parted and our tongues met gently. I could feel my cheeks burning and I could feel escalating heat emanating from my body. Our tender moment had turned into burning desire; I wanted more and Edward knew it.
He broke our kiss and his face looked serious, but kind. Edward's taste lingered on my lips and I licked them in order to taste him again. His sparkling onyx eyes looked at me eagerly when I did that.
"Lily, since I gave you your promise ring we haven't had enough time to talk...alone."
"What is it Edward? You know you can tell me anything." I smiled to reassure him.
"I wanted to explain that...I was raised to be a gentleman, to respect women and not to see them as sexual objects. I want our first time to be after we are married." His eyes were pleading for my understanding.
"Oh...we are having 'the talk'. I understand Edward and I am glad that you feel that way and feel like you could tell me without reservation." After making up my mind to ask, I whispered, "Edward, have you ever?"
"No I haven't." He looked pained, but trudged onward. "Have you...ever?"
"No, but I got close."
"Was it with...Jack?" He managed to get his name out, but with extreme difficulty.
"Yes. We had been dating for over six months. I picked him up from the base and we were supposed to go out on a date, but he drove me back to his home instead. He had been talking about it for weeks before and we were kissing and one thing led to another. He got up and left me alone to go get protection. I was lying there mulling over my lack of experience compared to his vast experience and I started to panic. It just didn't feel right. I am an excellent judge of character, most times, just by looking at someone if they are good or bad, but with Jack it took me longer to figure him out."
Edward held up his pale hand to stop me. "Were you naked? Was he?" He asked with a slight choked whisper.
"Not completely naked and no he wasn't." It looked like he had been bludgeoned after I said that. I kept going. "When we were kissing Jack had taken my clothes off; he left me in my panties. He was wearing a pair of frayed blue jeans he had put on after we arrived." I gestured so I could continue after an awkward silence, "As I said, I panicked, got up and grabbed my clothes, dressing as I was leaving his house. I was so scared to run into him and have him talk me into it that I left my bra and shoes there. I drove off and found a secluded spot and thought about what I really wanted from him, from my life, what kind of man I want to spend my life with and I decided to break it off with him. I felt I was too young and inexperienced to be with a 22-year-old man who had expectations. Besides, he was acting overprotective and intrusive about where I was and who I was with all the time."
Edward was running what I had said over and over in his mind. "Did he touch you?"
"Yes, but he left the room before he really touched me in an extremely intimate way. We were in love and I thought that was what I wanted at the time, until I panicked." I blushed hoping he would understand without my having to spell it completely out like a fool.
"I appreciate your honesty, Lily. It means a lot." He looked somber and reflective.
"Edward, has that changed your mind about me, about your wanting to be with me? Believe me; I would understand if you did." A gull cried as it flew overhead, landing on the beach some distance away. It ruffled its feathers, waiting for one of us to throw it a snack. After a few moments, it went about its own business when we didn't deliver.
"Of course not Lily I love you. I would never leave you, especially over something trivial like that. I am yours forever." He looked sincere.
I took his alabaster hand and held it between both of mine. "Edward, you are the one that I want my first time to be with. When I think of you and me together I am not scared or embarrassed." I half laughed/half smiled as I was pouring my heart out to him in that way.
"I actually want it more than anything. Do...do you feel the same way about me?" I was scared to hear his answer, but needed to hear it anyway. There was a long pause. I looked out to the ocean and watched the steely waves encroaching closer and closer as the water ebbed and flowed.
"Of course I do. I am a man you know." He laughed and smiled his crooked smile then reached over and planted a kiss on me that curled my toes. Visible goosebumps erupted on my bare legs and the wind whipped around, redirecting the gulls that were flying about.
"Let's get you out of the cold and get you somewhere warm." I put my shoes and socks back onto my feet and then pulled my pant legs down. He held on to me tightly and walked with his arms around me halfway up the long staircase.
Stopping, I pecked him on the cheek and he then started kissing me fervently. We were getting pretty hot and heavy there for a while. I think our honesty and the fact that we promised to spend forever together fueled our passion at that moment.
I am not sure why, but it seemed like Edward really wanted me, he was hungry for this closeness. He even started pulling forcefully at my coat and shirt. I thought he may just rip them off. Blushing at his eager advance in light of our long talk, I was suddenly boiling hot and fumbled to take off my coat.
We stumbled our way back up the staircase. While in an embrace, I grabbed the iron railing to steady myself. A sharp jagged piece of metal lodged into my hand, cutting it open. I managed a small gasp of shock pulling my hand to my face to inspect the cut when he stopped abruptly and hung his head down and started breathing heavily, his nostrils flaring and his long lashes blending into his onyx eyes, making it appear like his eyes had disappeared leaving only empty sockets.
"Edward, are you alright? Why did you stop?" I was attempting to get closer to him to see if I could help in any way possible.
"Lily, get out of here, now." Edward commanded in a sinister tone. "Now. Leave. Damn it, go." His eyes were indescribable when he looked at me. His angelic face lost all vestiges of humanity; it was as if I were looking at a stranger. "Run as fast as you possibly can. Call Alice and tell her to pick you up. Don't look back. Now. Lily, Go!"
"Edward, what is wrong?" He looked ferocious like he might attack me at any second. He turned his back to me and started down the stairs instead of toward my open arms and with such speed that it surprised me.
"Leave." He was looking me in the eye in the coldest way I had ever encountered, which made me extremely nervous. I was torn for a moment, but I could see that Edward's strength of will was faltering and I needed to run.
I did as I was told, tears stinging in my eyes and headed up the stairs running as fast as my little legs could take me, tripping a couple of times, scraping my palms on the cement.
Pulling my cell out of my purse, I dialed Alice's phone. She answered and before she could say anything but hello; I cut in, "Alice? I'm scared. Please can you come pick me up? I went to the beach with Edward and he just turned into...into a monster. He told me to run and call you for help." I could hear a car's motor in the background, so she was out and about. I prayed that she were nearby.
"Lily, I already know, Rose and I are close by and we will be there soon."
"You are close by? Okay um...I know we are north of town, but that is all I can tell you." I prayed that they knew where Edward liked to go when he needed to be alone.
I was still running down the road as far away from the ocean and Edward that I could possibly get. Frantically, I would turn my head this way and that making sure he was out of sight. Finally, I stopped my progress, taking in my surroundings and put my hand into my mouth to stop the bleeding and stinging from the cut. The next thing I knew, Alice and Rose were pulling up to me in Alice's car. They got out of Alice's car and embraced me telling me to breathe.
"Tell me everything from the beginning." Alice looked sympathetic then she snapped her head around. Rosalie then stood protectively in front of me. When I peeked around Rose's arm, I followed their line of sight. There was Edward crouching down low and hungrily looking in our direction, but not moving a single muscle. My mind was telling me to be extremely afraid, but somehow I couldn't register the amount of danger that he posed to me. He was the love of my life and the look on my face emanated only sadness and concern, not fear. "Rose, get her into the car. Let's go, now."
After being ushered into the car and speeding away, I told Alice and Rose everything Edward and I had talked about and Alice told me in no certain terms that Edward was irrevocably in love with me and not to worry about our talk and especially his weird behavior. They left and went home to check on Edward after dropping me off.
I was so upset and needed to hear an unbiased opinion about what I encountered today. I went through my bag and picked up my cell, dialing Grandma Bella's number. She understands me and would never steer me wrong. Her voice echoed through the receiver when she answered.
"Grandma Bella?"
"Lily dear, how are you?"
"Confused actually. I need to ask for your advice." I was wrapping the phone cord around my fingers nervously as I was talking.
"Okay honey, I will do whatever I can to help you." Her voice became softer and more compassionate.
"Grandma, Edward did something today that scared me a little, but confused me even more and I don't know what to do about that."
She sounded worried, "He did? What did he do honey?"
"We were having 'the talk...you know...the talk'. After I explained everything to him about my romantic past we had started kissing and he lost control then screamed at me to run and to call Alice for her help."
"Romantic past? Honey, is there something I should know?"
"No, of course not, Grandma." I rolled my eyes because that was not what I wanted her advice on. I expelled an exasperated breath.
"Honey, what do you mean lost control?" Concern was etched into her voice; her train of thought back on track. Finally, I thought.
"Grandma, he isn't normal, not like us I mean. Do you remember how I told you he mysteriously appears and never eats much if at all? Well he reacted to me strangely after we were kissing, as if he were a wild animal out on the hunt, ready to strike and kill."
"Honey, tell me honestly, were you bleeding at all or are you on your period?" Her voice sounded frantic.
"What kind of question is that?" I snorted. I didn't call her to hear bizarre questions; I called to get an opinion about Edward himself.
Severely she said, "Just answer the question."
I had no idea why she wanted to know that. "Uh...yes. We went to the beach and headed back to the car and we were kissing. Walking up the stairs, I cut myself on a jagged piece of the railing. That is when he got so upset screaming at me to run."
"Baby, you have to know that the Cullen's are dangerous...are you listening to me? Beware. Never let your guard down around them, ever. That being said, I believe they would never harm you intentionally. Their love for you runs deep, is unerring and they would die for you."
"Grandma, what do you know about the Cullens? What do you mean?" Her warning was rolling around in my mind making me dizzy.
"I know how they are different honey, but it isn't my place to tell you exactly how. They will have to come clean with you Honey. I just know that they are good and decent people whom you can trust." I knew she was telling me the honest truth and I felt that too; that the Cullens were inherently good.
"I would give anything to help you understand, but that is only something that Edward can do for you, dear."
This conversation was just spooky and only increased my questions and confusion; it never alleviated my concerns. I was beating myself up for making such a hasty decision in calling my grandma. All she did was frighten me even more.
After I hung up the phone I started going over what we talked about. My mind was swollen with thoughts that I couldn't release; not to mom, not to Grandma Bella, not to even Edward himself. Mentally, I was at a point where I could finally breathe and really absorb the seriousness of what happened today.
All I knew for sure was that Edward and his family was not completely human. Exactly what they were, I had no idea; they being aliens sprung to mind, I also thought they were a genetic anomaly, but that was ludicrous.
Edward's trust and privacy are sacred to me so until he is ready to divulge that information, I will have to be patient and hope he can trust me; also hoping that I will be okay with whatever it is he tells me.
EPOV
After Alice and Rose had left with Lily I drove home extremely quickly and went up to Carlisle's study to talk. Mentally, I was punishing myself for what happened, I knew better than that. Knowing what Carlisle was thinking I was filled with guilt and shame.
"What were you thinking, Edward? You haven't gone hunting since Christmas. It's dangerous to be around Lily or any human so close in proximity," Carlisle said. Esme only looked like she wanted to embrace me. Her non-judgmental expression made me feel even worse. I should be loathed by my family.
Feeling profound guilt, I apologized profusely to both Carlisle and Esme. "Edward, don't beat yourself up, you only made a mistake," Carlisle said.
My harsh laughter echoed throughout the walls of my home.
"I don't know what I would have done if I had hurt Lily today. I will not let that grave mistake happen again. I am going to have to call Lily to apologize profusely for my abysmal behavior." Just thinking of my risky, monstrous actions I punched a hole through the wall. Esme understood and told me she would do the repairs when I had calmed down; that made me feel even more reprehensible.
Esme then came to me, hugged me and asked how our talk went.
I told both of them everything we had talked about and Esme helped me understand where Lily was in her state of mind and how vulnerable she was in telling me the truth and how she stuck to her values despite temptation. I could tell she was proud of Lily. I then went to my room to think.
The next thing I knew I heard soft knock at my door, but Jasper's thoughts alerted me before he ever approached. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Yes," I whispered, but not now. "Give me a bit." I mulled over my options and what I was going to do.
I called a family meeting so we all convened at the kitchen table. All their faces were somber and sympathetic. "I have made a decision about Lily. I am truly horrified with what I have done and that means I have to stay away."
To my immense surprise Carlisle is the one who put his hand up to stifle me. "Edward, I know how you feel, but leaving will only make you and the rest of us miserable. Remember what happened with Bella, son. This will affect all of us."
"I know all of that, but I could have killed her. Her life is worth more than my happiness."
"You didn't kill her Edward. You warned her to keep away from you and you controlled yourself enough for Alice and me to pick her up and whisk her to safety. You only need to feed more often when you are around her." Rosalie looked at me sympathetically.
"Ed, you have the craziest amount of self-control that I have ever witnessed. Dude, you just made a mistake." Emmett was smiling and patting me on the back; for me with not too much force, but on a regular human it would have sent them flying across the room.
"I did manage to keep my thirst under control, but how on earth do I explain the look in my eyes and my bizarre behavior?"
"We need to tell her the truth." Alice looked resigned looking directly in my eyes.
"No! I can't do it, not yet."
"Edward honey, you love her and you both want to get married someday. She has to know the truth for you both to be in a happy trusting relationship," Esme said.
"If I tell her she will run as fast as she can away from us."
Alice looked smug. "I had a vision three weeks ago that says you are wrong Edward. You both are together and extremely happy."
My family had started to talk me into telling Lily when I heard my cell start to ring. Sighing in response I picked up on the third ring. "Hello?"
"Edward, you have a major problem." It was Bella. I should have known she would call. "What were you thinking? You almost attacked my granddaughter!" Her voice was icy and distant. Her anger was prevalent and it stung.
"Bella, I..."
"No let me speak...Since I know you so well I know it had been an accident. You need to feed more often. Give Lily any excuse that will fly in order for you to steal away to feed and maintain her safety."
"Bella, I am so sorry. Please forgive me."
"Edward you have another problem at hand that is bigger than whether or not I forgive you. Lily isn't stupid; she knows something is different about all of you. You need to tell her the truth. Tom and I agree that she needs to know."
"We were discussing this as a family just before you called actually. Everyone but me thinks we should tell her."
"Well it looks like you have been outvoted there, Edward," Bella said coolly. "You don't give her enough credit. She will be fine. She thinks you are far from completely human and yet here she still is with you and in love with you. Once the initial shock is over she will be alright with it. I have said my peace Edward. Go hunting with your family and talk about this seriously."
She sighed and then said, "You know how I feel, but this is your secret to tell and either way this will affect you substantially. Goodbye, Edward."
"Bye Bella."
I felt like I had been slapped. Of course Bella is right. She needs to be even angrier with me than she already is.
"Edward, we need to tell Lily soon," Esme said.
"I know we need to, but I am afraid."
Rose responded, "Edward, even if Lily never wants to be one of us, she will still be a part of our family." She smiled to encourage me.
"Don't worry, she will become one of us, but not anytime soon," Alice said with authority. "I see her turning in a few years and only with Esme and Carlisle present when it happens."
I turned my astonished gaze toward Alice. How could I not be there when she needs me more than any other time in her life?
"Don't worry, Edward you know better than anyone that the future is not always set in stone." Alice said in a soothing voice.
Jasper said, "Edward, we can argue about this all day. Let's eat and maybe that will give you more clarity on the issue of turning Lily."
He was up in a flash and waited by the back door. We all stood and then left in the blink of an eye. We sailed through the trees, our feet barely touching the forest floor. Not trusting myself, we all went north, well past the Canadian border. I fed on a multitude of animals including elk, big horn sheep and my personal favorite, mountain lion.
Jasper and Emmett always stayed close by to keep me from turning back for home. Alice knew it was going to be a brilliant sunny day so we stayed out all night. After the sun had risen over the horizon, we all sat in a meadow just talking and thinking. I picked wild flowers and long grass pieces and handed them over to Alice. Quickly weaving them together with her hands, she created a crown and placed it on her head. My beautiful sister beamed at me with her crown of flowers atop her head, but her mind was urging me to call Lily.
"I am going to call Lily so we can all talk." Alice jumped up and threw her arms around my neck. I laughed at the ease with which she took this difficult subject.
"I think it will take the pressure off of all of us," Esme said.
We decided to head for home since Carlisle has to work the nightshift, but we took our time. We all fed a little more on the way back if there was an animal nearby. Our family had traveled so far north that it would take hours to get home and it wouldn't be well after dark when we arrive.
We made it back into cell range so I called Lily. "Hi, are you okay?"
"Edward, are you alright. I hope you weren't hurt."
"Lily, I am okay, I just had a bad reaction to the smell of your blood. Are you alright?"
"Edward, I am okay. I was just scared and had my feelings hurt."
Just hearing that really tore me up inside. "Lily, I never want to scare you like that again. It was reprehensible what I did and I'm sorry."
"Apology accepted." My whole family smiled at me when they heard that. With our sensitive ears I never needed to put the phone on speaker.
"Lily, will you come over to my house tonight? Our whole family would love to spend time with you."
"Aren't you out camping? You weren't in school today."
"Yes, we are out right now, but I will be home later on this evening and will be at your house at say 8:00?"
"Then yes, I would love to, Edward."
"I will pick you up at around 8:00 then. I love you."
"I love you, too."
The rest of our trip home was lighthearted and I was able to enjoy our time as a family. I was ready to tell Lily the truth and accept whatever she may decide. Alice says everything will turn out okay and I never bet against Alice.