Chapter Twenty One: Blinded
"Isabella?"
Again? "Don't call me that."
"It's your name... "
"That you're only saying because you want to hear it. Repeating because it's the only way you will. Ever again. But it doesn't sound the same. Not to my ears, and not to yours. So, just stop."
"I don't... What are you doing here? Out here?"
You never did. "Nothing. I'm not here."
"You're not here?"
"No."
"Then why can I see you and hear you?"
"You can't." Just like you never could. After.
"What? Of course I can. And I do. You're standing right in front of me... "
"No, you don't. And I'm not. I'm not here. You're drunk, and just imagining that you see me. And hear me. But forget about both, because I'm leaving now. This place where I never was. Seen or heard. Or wanted."
"Isabella... I... That's... Are... are you ill?"
The laugh that comes out of me sounds foreign to my ears.
And to his.
Not that he knows what my laughter sounds like...
He doesn't.
Nor I his.
But I don't think it's supposed to sound like that...
That sound we both just heard.
That made him take a step back.
A step away from me.
His daughter that he doesn't recognize.
Because she isn't here.
And because who is doesn't want to be.
For another second.
So I turn and walk away.
Empty handed, except for the shovel I carry.
And keep walking until I get to my truck.
The one he gave me when I was sixteen years old.
Well...
He parked it outside of our house and left the key on my bed.
He never even taught me how to drive it.
And didn't say a word when I knocked down our mailbox trying to teach myself.
He just put it back up.
Like nothing bad had ever happened.
And that's why I brought my secrets here to bury.
Why I'm not afraid to leave them.
Because even if he found them...
Saw them...
Dug them up...
He'd pretend he didn't.
Pretend he hadn't.
Because he's only looking for one thing.
He's blind to everything else.
But what he's still waiting to see.
Who...
Her.
The thing I saw today.
That's no more than that to me.
A thing.
That I recognized but didn't.
The thing that's more than that to him, but that he'll never see again.
"Isabella... "
Or hear.
…
…
The light is flashing on my phone on the seat beside me when I climb back into my old truck.
And I know without picking it up and looking at it that I've missed him again.
But I do anyway.
Pick it up...
And look.
Because I do.
Miss him.
And because I still need to hear his voice.
And because I know he didn't leave me without it.
Not after what I left him.
My need.
Not hidden. Or buried. Or danced around while I tried to show him something else.
I put it right out there for him to see.
Or hear, anyway...
And he did.
It's clear in the sound of his first message...
Damn it, Bella, why aren't you answering your phone? I've called you three times. You can't tell me you need me and then shut the door again. You have to let me in. And give me the time to get there so I can...
Just answer your phone, Bella. Please.
And his second.
And his third.
Which were variations of the first. And something else...
Variations of desperation.
Because he knew I couldn't hear him...
And because he couldn't hear me.
Which I believe he needed just as much as I did.
At that moment.
And I hope at this one.
When I call him back without listening to any more messages that I know are waiting for me.
To let him know that I'm still waiting for him. That I didn't close the door.
While the wind rattles the ones around me.
On my way back to others.
Mine.
And his...
That he left me the key to.
That's weight I feel against my chest.
Because I put it on a chain around my neck.
So he'd be closer to my heart...
My heart that breaks when I get his voicemail again.
Instead of what I need.
Him.
…
…
I couldn't wait to get to my front door.
After I parked my truck behind my other.
And closed it...
With my secrets outside of it instead of in.
But even though I couldn't, I didn't go...
In...
My front door or Edward's.
Because he wasn't behind either.
And I couldn't bear to see him not.
At least not yet.
And I got into my car instead.
Just me and my phone... that I would answer the next time it rang.
I wouldn't miss him again.
Because I do too much.
But forget I do...
Forget the too much...
And the more...
When I see something that makes me something else.
Blinds me to the rest.
The man I saw today outside of that restaurant...
Walking out of another with a woman who isn't his wife.
My mother.
Who waits for him somewhere...
While he's here.
Living a different life.
A secret one.
That I know is because he looks around to make sure he isn't being seen.
Before he kisses her.
The woman who he shouldn't.
The woman he doesn't want to be seen with because he knows he shouldn't.
Because he knows it's wrong.
The thing he does anyway.
The thing he thinks he's getting away with.
Because he doesn't see me.
Know that I'm watching him.
That I'm not blind to what he's doing.
This man who is living the life my father didn't get to.
This man who wants to live another.
Or maybe he just wants to live two.
Because he's greedy.
And selfish.
And if you ask me...
Doesn't deserve to live any.
…
…
I wasn't angry because he was betraying my mother.
As far as I'm concerned, she deserves whatever misery finds her in her new life.
But my little sister...
She deserves better.
Better than the life that was taken from me.
And better than the one that she's been given.
The same one.
And not at all.
Her father should have been at home tucking her into her bed.
Checking for monsters beneath it.
And reading her stories that would keep them away.
He should have been where she could see him.
Hear him.
His silence or his noise.
They should both have belonged to her.
His daughter.
His little girl.
She should have been the center of his world.
Instead of some home-wrecking whore.
And I told him that.
After the whore got into her car and left.
After she pleaded with him to come to her hotel room.
After he looked at his watch...
And said okay.
That he had time...
If it was quick.
After he was wrong.
Wrong about it all.
He thought no one could see him.
What he was doing.
Or hear.
What he was going to.
But I had.
After someone else had.
Something, anyway.
His tire was flat when he got to his car.
The knife that flattened it still stuck in the side of it.
His dirty secret wasn't secret at all.
Someone knew.
Someone besides me.
Someone I saw watching.
Like I had been, before I wasn't just.
I didn't see her until after...
Until her shame had been spilled all over my hands.
And she knew it would never come home to her.
She was staring at me in horror.
And alone.
My little sister had been left alone.
Because I was wrong, too...
She didn't love her more than anything in the world.
She wouldn't have left her alone if she did.
She wouldn't have left her at all.
Even my father didn't leave...
After she did.
The first time she did...
Left a child.
He wasn't there, but he wasn't gone, either.
He stayed.
When his life left him.
He didn't follow.
He could have...
Or tried to...
But he didn't.
Didn't leave his little girl alone.
And no matter what I feel for him...
My father, who wasn't much of one at all...
I know in this moment that he's better than she is.
And that I had better than that little girl who lies alone in her bed.
Where no mother or father will ever come to check for monsters beneath again.
Because they were the monsters.
Her mother and father.
Who didn't tell her goodbye.
Because they only cared about where they were going.
And what they were going to find.
The secrets...
That killed them.
Well...
"Goodbye, Mother."
That have now.
…
…
I left the knife in my mother's throat.
The one she gave me when she made sure her husband couldn't leave her.
Before she could give me something else.
Anything else.
But her recognition.
That was clear on her face.
Right before...
I didn't give her a chance to say anything.
I didn't want to hear it.
I'd already heard too much today.
Too much and not nearly enough.
The second of which I'm reminded of as soon as I get back into my car and see my phone on the seat.
That's not flashing this time.
…
…
I started a fire as soon as I got home.
And, this time, threw my gloves straight into it.
The ones with the evidence of what I'd done.
The dirt that covered the first... firsts.
And the blood that caked it all.
It's all over me.
And my car.
Except for the seat that I covered with something else before I got into it.
Because I didn't want to get it dirty.
My car that I pulled into my garage next to my truck.
A place I don't usually put it.
A place where I go back to now.
So I can take it out.
Because I don't want the old and the new together.
The past and the present.
They don't belong in the same place.
My place.
Where only the new is welcome now.
Or needed.
…
…
My car is clean. It wasn't as bad as I thought.
It was easy.
Like the way the blade moved in my hand.
Danced...
For the last time, I think.
I don't feel the clawing anymore.
Don't hear it.
Anything.
But the beat of my own heart.
I park my car back in my driveway where I always have, and go back into the house.
My house where there's life.
Sweet, innocent life.
Waiting for me.
Like another somewhere that waits for someone else.
Someones.
Who will never come back to her.
Because of me.
Her sister, who she doesn't know is.
Will never know.
But who had no choice but to take them from her.
They didn't deserve her.
And she didn't deserve what they would have done to her, if I hadn't.
And I know I've done something else...
Something that will hurt her...
For a while...
But I did it so that they couldn't hurt her forever.
So they wouldn't have the chance to break her. Her spirit. Or her heart.
When she realized that she wasn't the most important thing. To either of them.
I chased the monsters from under her bed.
And her life.
And made sure they'd never return.
I gave my little sister a chance.
When I took theirs away.
…
…
Edward still hasn't called back by the time I step out of the shower.
But I'm not panicking.
Not because I don't need him, I do...
But because my need is less desperate now.
Or different, anyway.
I was afraid before...
Afraid he wasn't coming back.
And afraid of what would if he didn't.
The sadness... that would have surpassed any that I'd ever felt.
And the other thing...
That was already here, I suppose, but that he had kept away. Because he kept himself closer.
And because I let him.
Or let him make me...
I know I failed today.
Let him...
Because I let it get too close.
That other thing.
Let it take over.
But it's not the same thing.
Doesn't feel the same.
Didn't.
I set myself free.
Let him help me.
And her.
The little girl he doesn't know he did.
And the one I think he does.
Because he's taught me how to have hope.
The little girl that isn't anymore.
I hope.
Something I was already trying to learn to do, give myself, but that he wrapped up in a box and tied a ribbon around and put in my hands. When he gave me his key, that's again on that chain around my neck. And his promises, that I believe in. Because to not would be...
Something else I'm not anymore.
Because I'm worth something.
Something better than the nothing I've been given most of my life.
And left with.
Edward did leave...
But he made sure that I had something to hold on to before he did.
Something solid.
And something that isn't but that will be when he comes back.
A promise kept.
Because I believe that he will.
Keep it. And me.
In this place where no more monsters will ever be.
…
…
I didn't try to wash the clothes.
Or the blanket.
I didn't want them.
Or need them.
Didn't need to keep them...
Or what they represented.
I won't make that mistake again.
Won't keep the threat of it close.
For him to find.
I won't let my dreams be nightmares.
Not anymore.
Just like I didn't before...
I think about my sister sleeping in her bed as I carry the bag to the trash.
And wonder what kind of things are going on in her head as she dreams.
If she does.
Or is...
Now...
Does she dream of magical places?
Like the ones in the book she held in her hand today?
The ones I created?
Like the one I tried to create today?
But different...
Am I keeping the nightmares away from her?
Or is she yet to have any?
I don't want to be the cause of them.
I'd never hurt her...
The child I wanted only to protect.
I love her.
That little part of me.
That's not so little.
It's half.
She's half.
Half mine.
And from.
The half that's nothing.
Anymore.
The half that I just threw away.
So it can be taken in the morning.
And we can be free.
My little half and me.
…
…
There's light coming towards me.
While I stand here in the dark.
Lights...
Coming closer with every second that passes.
Headlights...
Coming down my street.
Our street.
Edward's and mine.
And maybe I should be worried...
Or afraid...
Because of what I did...
But I'm not.
Because it's probably only Alice.
Coming to check on me.
Because she's afraid of what I might be doing now.
Alone.
But the closer they get, I know it's not.
Not her.
Because they're too high.
The lights.
And my hopes.
That get higher and higher and higher as the lights get brighter.
Because still they come closer.
Don't stop coming until they blind me.
And then stop.
Flooding the space around me.
My space.
That isn't anymore.
Because Edward has come back to claim it.
And does.
Me...
Everything.
Faster than he did the first time.
"I was on my way, Bella... I couldn't stay away from you anymore. Not a single fucking second longer than I already had.
"I was coming... to you... it's why I was unavailable. And I didn't tell you that... the why... because I wanted to surprise you...
"And maybe because I was selfish... though, on my life, I wasn't trying to be... will never be with you. Never again.
"Like I was... couldn't help but be... because I wanted to see the look on your face when I did... come back... a look that I knew would put me on my knees... the one I see now...
"But fuck, if you didn't before I could even get here... put me on my knees...
"You stunningly beautiful woman... with your stunningly beautiful need for me... that you didn't hide. Didn't even try to... and still aren't.
"You scared me to death, Bella. Put me on my knees with fear. Because I didn't know what I'd come back and find. What I had to come back to find because I'd left."
"It's just me," I whisper as he crushes me against him. Into him...
As if he wants to pull me right into his heart...
Tuck me in...
And keep me there forever.
"Needy, needy me... "
"I see that," he says, cupping my face in his hands. His hands that I feel the fear in. That hold my face that's more bare than it's ever been before.
Something I know he knows as he sweeps his thumbs over my cheeks.
"And feel it," he adds, because my hold on him is fierce. And just as bare.
Greedy. Desperate and unrelenting.
Trembling with all of it.
But not at all ashamed that it is. Or apologetic.
It's neither.
I'm neither.
"I want you to," I say, because I do. Want him to see and feel it all. Everything I've let go of so that I could hold on. Be strong enough to.
"That's more than I could have dreamed of, Bella."
Me too, Edward... "But not all I have. To give you. If you want-"
My needy declaration dissolves...
Unspoken...
And unfinished...
Because I do.
Dissolve...
Into his mouth.
And his arms.
As he lifts me into both.
And carries me away from the blinding light.
Into a softer one.
His truck is still running behind us.
The door still open...
His door...
As I'm whisked through mine.
And then my next.
The one he knows he was invited past.
Finally...
And into the space that waited for him to claim.
That I did.
With beautiful, blinding hope.
xx
I know she's batshit crazy. Which probably means that I am... but I knew that a long time ago. And I love me anyway, though I don't have an Edward that does. Or who does... whatever. Either way, poor me.
And, like Edward does, I love her. But as for how much he does (and I know he hasn't told her yet. With words, anyway... ) ... or how much he's currently in that claimed space of hers showing her he does... if I decide to let you see it... it'll be on the next one. Or in. Whichever. And maybe you can even help me with my decision... you know... if you want.
And just one more thing... this little baby celebrated its 1st birthday a few days ago. I'm both proud and ashamed of that. Proud because, no matter how unloved it is, it's not at all by me. I love it and them desperately. And ashamed because it shouldn't have taken me a year to get it to where it is. Though it hasn't really been entirely my fault, especially in recent months, it still disappoints me. So, thank you to anyone that's been here with us that long. And anyone who's here now, no matter how long ago you came.
Like he did. Back to her. Right up there. GAH!