Chapter 21

Dean must've zonked out for a second, he hadn't slept in about forty eight hours. He woke up to the sound of his brother shouting his name. Apparently he'd fallen asleep mid conversation.

"Huh? What? Yeah…" Dean said, exhausted. His eyes drooped as he tried to focus on the computer screen in front of him.

"You ok?" his brother asked, his forehead scrunching up with concern. "You know we can go to bed if you need to. I mean, I'm pretty tired myself."

"No. No, I'm fine," Dean said rubbing his face.

How could he sleep knowing that Cas was cursed and that Amara-the-fucking-Darkness-baby was out there with Crowley, or worse, on her own?

"Well, I was just saying that we've got nothing. No one saw anything unusual going on at the house the day the baby disappeared," Sam said, gesturing at his laptop screen.

He and Sam were in the library, attempting to research despite how tired they both were. Cas was at the table next to Dean, covered in a blanket. If he wasn't cursed, Dean might have said he looked downright adorable.

"If this truly is the Darkness we're talking about, it's more of a time bomb than a baby," Cas said, his voice sounding strained.

"Yeah, but it is still a baby, right? I mean, the Darkness I saw was an adult. So it still has to, uh, grow up, right?" Dean asked, rather unsure of himself.

"The Darkness is almost infinite power," Cas clarified, looking at Dean with hard eyes. "I'm not sure what 'growing up' means in this case."

"Well, God kicked this thing's ass once before, right?" Sam asked, his eyes hopeful.

"Yeah, it'd be nice if he put down the Mai Tai and showed up for work every once in a while," Dean sighed, getting up and walking to the mini fridge he'd put in the library after they'd cleaned up the wreckage he and the Stynes had caused.

"I wouldn't count on it," Cas said, standing up. "I believe he made a fairly definitive statement when he walked away."

Dean grabbed two beers out of the fridge as Cas attempted to move to join him, but he was stopped by the chains that held him to the ground. He looked down at them and rolled his eyes, like he had forgotten they were there. Honestly, Dean had too. It fucking sucked that they had to restrain him like some sort of rabid animal or something.

"Sorry about those, babe," Dean sighed and grabbed a beer for him too. "Till we know what's going on with you, you're still a bit of a wild card, you know?"

He tossed a beer to his brother and walked over to hand Cas his. As he did, he let their fingers graze, before he sat down and cracked open his own beer.

"I hate to point this out," Sam sighed. "But you both know who we might need to help in order to deal with the Darkness."

"Don't even say it," Dean said, pointing his finger at his brother. No, they didn't need any help from him. Not after what he did.

"He was God's scribe," Sam continued.

"That's just like saying it!" Dean objected. They were not, under any circumstances, gonna call on the male version of Professor Umbridge for help.

Before he could argue further, Cas made a horrible grunting noise, as if he was in pain.

"Cas, babe, are you alright?" Dean asked, getting up and rubbing his arm.

"It's the spell," Cas grunted.

"We were hoping your angel wiring would fight it off… or at least slow it down," Dean sighed, rubbing his back.

"It appears I simply respond differently from humans," Cas wheezed as if he were having trouble breathing.

Dean still didn't understand how angel physiology worked. He knew very little of the vessel/angel symbiotics. Cas obviously felt things, both physically and emotionally, but he didn't need to eat, sleep, shower, or even breathe, right? Unless, his power was weakened, that is.

"If you were human, you'd be gone already. With you, it's like it's digging deeper," Dean said, putting his hand on the side of his face. He felt warm.

"You know, Rowena's the only one who can remove it," Sam told him.

"We're doing everything to find her, ok? But so far, we've got nothing," Dean said with exasperation.

Cas began wheezing again, each breath sounded painful. He was getting worse.

"Cas, baby, we'll find her. Don't worry," Dean told him.

He kissed his temple and Cas closed his eyes. Dean couldn't lose him now. Not after he'd just gotten him back.

"Dean, you've been up for nearly two days. You should get some rest," Cas grunted. He tried to smile but his face quickly turned to a grimace and he closed his eyes. He was obviously having a hard time fighting whatever was going on inside of him.

"He's right, Dean. We both need sleep if we're gonna be any help to him," Sam said with a frown.

Dean shook his head. No, he couldn't sleep. He couldn't leave Cas alone for a second. What if he was gone by the time he woke up? He couldn't risk that.

"Maybe we can sleep in shifts?" Sam recommended. "You can sleep right on the couch in the other room and I'll wake you up if anything happens, deal?"

Dean agreed, begrudgingly. He kissed Cas on the cheek and walked to the other room. Sam was right, of course. He was tired. He fell asleep almost immediately after his head hit the cushion.

Sam woke him up four hours later. After reassuring him Cas was fine, they switched places, Sam taking his place on the couch. Dean went back into the library and saw that Cas was asleep in his chair. He looked so sickly, Dean almost cried. He wondered if this was how Cas had felt when Dean had the Mark, always wondering if the person he loved was going to be alright. Dean looked down at his arm, how could that have been less than three days ago? It felt like a lifetime.

Dean went into the war room and attempted to call Crowley. When he didn't answer, he went back into the library and cracked open another beer. As soon as he took a sip, it turned sour in his mouth. He put the beer down and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Why won't stupid Crowley answer his stupid phone?

Four hours later, he woke Sam up. Cas's condition seemed to be stable. This was reassuring, but Dean knew it wouldn't last. He tried calling Crowley for the umpteenth time.

"Come on, Crowley, pick up. I've left you a dozen fucking messages," he sighed as he hung up. He slammed his hand on the table, jolting Cas awake. "Why isn't he answering his goddamn phone?"

"Because he's a dick, and that's not breaking news," Sam replied.

"He's gotta have Rowena in his sights, right? I mean, she did try to take him out," Dean stated.

"He's not gonna deliver Rowena to us just so he can lift the spell," Cas said from his chair. "He'd rather let it do whatever it's gonna do to me."

"Cas, I didn't mean to wake you... Go back to sleep," he said, putting his hand on his shoulder. Dean sighed, he needed to calm down. He was being way to loud.

"Metatron is also off the grid," Sam sighed and closed his laptop.

Dean looked down at Cas and tousled his sweat soaked hair. "Don't worry, baby, we'll find them," he told him. "I'm not gonna let anything happen to you."

"You know what?" Sam said, reopening his laptop. "I'll look for unusual occurrences at places he might hang out. Any ideas, Cas?"

But Cas had closed his eyes again. As much as Dean really wanted to let him rest, they needed his help on this one. He sighed and gently shook him awake.

"Cas, do you know any places Metatron might hang out?" he asked him.

Cas's eyes glazed over as he spoke. "Um… he loves waffles? You could try places that have those," he said and then nodded off again.

"Great, so, basically every restaurant in the entire county," Dean angry-whispered.

Before either brother could do anything, Cas began to groan. Dean turned back to him and caught him right before he fell out of his chair. It was like he was having a seizure. Dean gripped him tight and called out his name. He didn't know what to do.

When Cas finally stopped shaking he opened his eyes and looked up at Dean. He reached out his hands to cup Dean's cheek, maybe assessing if he was really there. Dean took his hands in his own, cursing that they still had him handcuffed to the floor.

"Cas? Hey, are you ok?" he asked him.

"Relative to what?" Cas groaned.

"Do you know where you are? What's the date?" Dean asked him, trying not to roll his eyes.

"Earth. Several billion years from the beginning," Cas answered.

This time, Dean did roll his eyes. Well, at least he was accurate. Dean helped him to a sitting position but still kept his arms around him.

"It's like I was… inside a blender that was set to puree for a tomato salsa," Cas continued.

"And you're the tomato?" Dean asked him. He'd find it funny if his boyfriend hadn't had a fucking seizure.

"In this analogy, yes."

"Well, for a tomato you certainly scared the shit out of me," Dean told him as he kissed his forehead.

He and Sam helped Cas back into his chair. Once he was sure he was not going to fall down again, he turned back to Sam.

"We gotta find that witch," he said to him.

"What can I do to help?" Cas asked them.

"No, babe, you're only job is to sit there and get better, ok?" Dean told him as he put the blanket back around his shoulders.

"Okay. I'll do my best. It's… It's just difficult with these voices," he grunted and put his hands to his temples.

"Now there are voices?" Dean asked. "Are these voices telling you to hurt someone?"

Dean began rubbing his back. He looked over at Sam's shocked face and knew his brother was just as concerned as he was.

"No. Guys, I'm- I'm hearing angel radio," he explained to Dean's relief. "It's a lot of chatter. They're… They've been looking for me ever since I escaped, as well as scouring the earth for the perp. It's slang for 'perpetrator.'"

"Yeah, thank you. Um, any 'perp' in particular?" Dean asked. God, his boyfriend could be frustratingly obtuse at times.

"Metatron. They're doubling the effort to find him, so if we need to get hold of him, we better do it soon," Cas explained.

"Yeah, before the God squad does... All right, well, first thing's first," Dean said turning back to Sam.

As it turns out, Sam did find something. A Denver news article described three women who were at this Cafe Elta. Their waiter, for no apparent reason, stabbed and killed one of them. One survived and the third appeared to vanish into thin air after a bunch of furniture apparently slid around by itself. Oh, this definitely screamed Rowena.

After saying goodbye to Cas and giving him explicit instructions to call them if he needed anything, Dean and Sam left in Baby. It was a six hour trip and Dean was uneasy about leaving Cas alone in his condition, but they needed to find Rowena. He didn't want to even think about what would happen if they didn't.

They returned eighteen hours later with Rowena in toe, this time, they'd taken turns driving so both boys could get about three hours of shut eye. Dean knew it was far short of the eight recommended daily, but he was used to not ever getting more than four or five hours at a time.

When they got back to the bunker they immediately brought Rowena down to the dungeon and chained her up. As he was rifling through her bags, he found the Codex but not the Book of the Damned. It was a good thing they still hard Charlie's notes. Dean left her alone with Sam to get Cas. But when he went to the library, Cas wasn't there. In a panic he searched the rest of the bunker. Still no Cas.

They had no choice but to drag Rowena with them. If Cas had gotten loose, the spell had gotten worse. They had to do something now, or else… Dean didn't even want to think about it.

In the car, Rowena sighed. "So absurd, driving in circles looking for your unhinged boyfriend," she moaned.

"We're not driving in circles," Dean stated. The witch was getting on his last nerve. "We're locked onto his phone's GPS. We're tracking his location."

It was a good thing they had an extra burner phone at the bunker since Cas's other phone was apparently smashed to bits by his angel friends. If they hadn't activated it and given it to Cas, he didn't know how they'd be able to track him down.

"I have no idea what you just said, but I'm sure I could do it faster," Rowena said smugly.

"Yeah, maybe you could. But you would have to do a spell, which means we would have to take the cuffs off. And we're not going to take the cuffs off," Sam lectured.

"There's no trust. Are we not a team?" Rowena asked.

"No," both brothers answered in unison.

So Rowena just sat there and sulked while Dean drove and Sam continued to track down Cas's GPS location.

After a while, Rowena spoke up. "You wouldn't think a road trip with two such strapping lads could be so tedious. Shall we have a wee sing-song?"

Again, both brothers answered in unison. "No."

"I have myself to blame," she sulked. "Should never make deals with Winchesters since they seem unable to hold up their end of the bargain."

"Meaning what?" Dean asked. What bargain?

"Oh, just that thing between Sam, Crowley, and myself."

"What? What's she talking about?" he asked his brother. He knew they'd used her to break his curse, but neither Sam nor Cas had mentioned any sort of thing.

"Oh, surely you knew Sam made a deal with me to kill my son if I removed the Mark of Cain from your arm," she explained. "Well, is the Mark gone? Yes. Is Crowley dead? No."

Dean glared at his brother the best he could while driving and Rowena let out a tiny amused chuckle.

"Oh, he didn't know?" she asked with mock surprise.

"Look, I was gonna tell you, obviously. But… nothing ever came of it so I figured there was no point, you know?" Sam told him.

"No point, huh?" Dean asked. Oh, he was pissed now.

"I mean, I see what Dean's saying. Your wee Castiel wouldn't be in this pickle if you'd done what you promised. I would've had no reason to cast the attack dog spell if Crowley were already dead. Excellent point!" Rowena said.

"That's not my point," Dean corrected. "Sam knows my point. Keyword: secrets."

"Ah, well, I'm just glad I got the conversation flowing. Family relations are a specialty of mine," Rowena said, sarcastically.

Before either brother had a chance to retort, Sam pinpointed Cas's location. They pulled into a nearby alley where they knew they'd find Cas. Sam and Rowena went in one direction and Dean in the other. The plan was to trap the crazed angel. Hopefully, Dean could calm him down with, like, true love and shit.

Or maybe not. The second he spotted Cas the angel went all "attack dog" on him, literally growling as he circled in on him.

"Cas! This isn't you, ok? It's the spell. You can beat this," he said as he calmly approached the angel. "It's gonna be ok, baby. I've got you."

As soon as Dean put his hand on his shoulder the angel snapped and shoved Dean into a dumpster. He picked up him and shoved him into a fence, punching him over and over. The scene was ominously familiar, Dean realized, remembering the last time the angel had beaten him up in an alley.

"Desiste," Rowena chanted just in time, causing Cas to stop in his tracks.

Dean looked at her, expecting her to continue but she just stood there, grinning.

"Do I need to remind you that these are witch-killing bullets?" Sam asked her as he pointed his gun into her temple. "Finish the spell!"

"Yes, yes, alright." Rowena obliged. "Adlevo onus tuum."

Cas immediately began convulsing and fell to the ground. Dean grabbed for him and pulled him close, holding him in his arms as he shook. When he finally opened his eyes, they were bright blue. All traces of the curse were gone.

"Permitte telum!" Rowena shouted and Sam's gun flew out of his hand.

Before Dean could move the witch shouted again and Sam was flung against the side of a building. Dean chased after her but she shouted another spell and appeared to vanish into thin air. Great. Just great.

But at least they got Cas back.

Later, at the bunker, Cas handed Dean a beer and sat down next to him on the couch, his face distraught. Dean pressed the beer against his swollen face. It felt good.

"I… There aren't words, Dean," he said solemnly.

"You're right. There aren't words, Cas, 'cause there's no need," Dean assured him. "You were under a spell. There's nothing to feel sorry for."

"But you had Rowena. Because of me, you…" he trailed off, putting his head in his hands.

"No. We got you back. That's what matters. You're what matters," Dean told him.

They still had not made a move to touch each other. After a moment Cas looked up.

"Dean, I can fix that," Cas said as he moved to touch Dean's face in an attempt to heal his injuries.

But Dean flinched away.

"No. It's fine, Cas. Besides… I had it comin'," Dean shrugged, looking away from the angel.

No, he didn't deserve his sympathy. Not after he'd beaten him up and nearly killed him in the other room.

"Dean, you know that isn't true," Cas reassured him, taking his hand. "That was the curse. It wasn't you."

Dean looked up at him and saw his angel looking back at him with so much love and trust. It was more than he could ever deserve.

"Cas, I-" he started, but Cas put a finger to his mouth, silencing him.

"Dean I will not allow you to apologize for something you didn't do wrong," he said.

Dean knew arguing with him was useless so he just nodded his head and squeezed Cas's hand. No, Cas deserved a better version of Dean. He deserved someone stronger. And that's what Dean would be for him. He needed to suck up his self-loathing bullshit and just be there for him.

"You're too good to me, angel," he said to him with a small smile.

Cas just paused and took Dean's face in his hands, forcing him to look at him.

"I love you, Dean Winchester. Don't you dare think, for even a second, that my love for you is undeserved," he said with such intensity that a tear rolled down Dean's cheek.

"I love you too," Dean whispered. "I love you so fucking much it hurts."

And then he allowed Cas to heal him.

"Better?" the angel asked him, kissing him softly on the lips.

"Cas, I can't promise that I'm never going to fuck up again. I can't promise that I'll always be the man you deserve... but I'll sure as hell try," Dean said to him.

"Dean," Cas sighed, kissing him again. "You already are that man. You always were."

He looked at Dean with such intensity and such love that it made his heavy heart soar as if he had wings of his own. And in that moment Dean knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with the angel by his side.

End of chapter 21