Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

Chapter 20: Love and War

Year: 2183CE

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 CIC

As always, the galaxy map came to life when Shepard walked up the steps of the CIC platform. Her eyes traced from Serpent Nebula to Annos Basin then to Horse Head Nebula, their destination.

She took a detour down to the next three clusters. Arcturus Stream, where her life had taken the first turn at Arcturus Station. Petra Nebula, where her life had taken second turn at Elysium. And finally, her gaze landed on Exodus Cluster, where her life had taken yet another turn at Eden Prime, where all this mess had started. The beacon, Saren, and the Reaper.

Hidden at a dark corner in the back of her mind were lingering doubts. Doubts that she could never express to anyone or else the morale would plunge. Could she catch Saren in time before he unleashed the Reaper, or whatever his plan really was? Could she really stop the galactic destruction without backup? She was only one person with just her crew and her ship. Judging from the information she had gathered so far, Saren had his army of Geth and an asari matriarch by his side. Shepard was never a pessimist, but she was a realist. No matter how she cut it, the odds were against her.

Shepard scowled harshly and halted that dangerous train of thoughts. Self-doubt was a slippery slope, one she had to avoid, especially now.

She had made a career out of beating the odds, perhaps the trend would continue.

One step at a time, Shepard. She took a subtle deep breath to clear her mind. One step at a time.

"Commander," a voice called for her attention.

Shepard knew who it was before she turned around. "Yes, Lieutenant?"

There he was, her welcome distraction standing at the base of the platform. "We're less than an hour from Noveria," said Kaidan. "I've done some research and reviewed the dossier twice, still can't find Benezia's weakness. I'm starting to think maybe she doesn't have any."

"Everybody has their weakness," said Shepard as she came down from the platform. "But if we can't find it before we get there, then... well, we'll use the tried-and-true classic Shepard tactic."

"What's that?"

"We talk, then shoot, and shoot some more."

He cracked a smile. "If it works for you all these years, there's no reason to believe it won't work this time."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence." Shepard headed for the stairs to the lower level, Kaidan followed.

"Have you decided if you're going to bring Dr. T'Soni?" he asked.

She had, yet she wanted to hear his opinion. "Do you think I should?"

He nodded. "If Liara could talk to her mother, perhaps she could turn her around."

In other words, using Benezia's potential weakness. But was she really using Liara against Benezia, or merely taking a friend to meet with her estranged mother? Those were two sides of the same coin, Shepard decided. If she could avoid unnecessary bloodshed this way, why not?

"My thoughts exactly," said Shepard. "It'd be a waste if we had to kill her. Last I heard, dead people don't talk, matriarch or not. If Benezia could be reasoned with, she could give us some intel on Saren."

"Or perhaps even be our ally. We sure could use some wisdom and guidance... Er, not to say that you are not wise. I mean..."

Shepard smirked at him. "Compare to a thousand-year-old matriarch? I have the wisdom of a baby. Hell, even Wrex is probably like a teenage kid to her."

He chuckled. "She'd be sorry if she underestimated us kids. Especially this 'baby' in front of me."

"Let her. I like it when my enemies underestimate me. That look on their face when they find out who they're dealing with before they bite the dust? Priceless. It never gets old." A grin found its way to her face, tension drained from her muscles. She knew it was all because of him.

"You know, you're scary sometimes," he joked.

She raised a teasing eyebrow. "That a bad thing?"

"No, it's er... well... it's good. Very good." He coughed and swallowed whatever he wanted to say then quickly switched back on topic, "Let's hope we don't have to fight her. Off the record, I'm so not looking forward to fighting an asari matriarch."

"Neither am I. Fighting against one of the most powerful biotics in the galaxy? It's damn intimidating," she admitted freely in front of him. If there was one person she could be completely honest with, it's Kaidan. "But if we do have to fight, make sure Liara isn't the one who pulls the final trigger."

"I agree," said Kaidan. "It's bad enough watching your mom go crazy, but killing her yourself?" He shook his head. "Sorry, I can't do it."

Shepard pondered for a second. "Tell Garrus to get ready for the kill shot if neither of us have the chance to take it. I want it to be fast and painless – relatively painless. The rest of the team will distract Benezia and focus on her guards. I'm sure she has her own entourage of asari commandos."

"Understood. Are you going to brief Liara, or should I?"

"I'll talk to her. You go update the others. I don't want to discuss the strategy of killing her mother in front of Liara. Even if they had a fallout, she's still her mom."

"All right."

"Get ready for anything. I've a feeling this is not going to be easy." Shepard let out a tired sigh. "Nothing is."

"Hey..." He put a hand on her shoulder and looked straight into her eyes. His gentle squeeze was comforting. "You'll get this done, Aerin. I know you will."

A smile surfaced before she knew it. "No, we will get this done," she corrected him then shot a look at the empty elevator that had been patiently waiting for him.

He turned his attention to the elevator as though he just realized it was here. "Right. Going down." He quickly walked into it then turned back to her. "Sorry, distracted."

Shepard hid a knowing smile. "By?"

There was that tiny smirk of his that she loved. "I wonder..." he mumbled and hit the switch.

The elevator door closed, cutting her off from her source of distraction. Shepard headed for the Med Bay lab. As expected, their Prothean expert was working on the terminal.

"Commander," Liara stood and greeted Shepard. "Are you here to check up on me?"

"We are close to Noveria, are you ready?"

"You mean if I am ready to face Benezia."

Shepard nodded.

"I am with you, Aerin. I want an answer from Benezia. I want to know what makes her turn her back on everything she believed in. And perhaps, if I could reason with her..."

At least they were on the same page, Shepard was glad. "We could use her help with Saren."

Liara nodded thoughtfully. "It is what I am hoping as well. I don't want to fight her."

"I understand. You don't have to if you're not comfortable."

"No. Don't worry, Aerin. I will do what is right. I won't disappoint you."

"You never disappoint me, Liara."

"That is very kind of you." Liara gave her a smile. "I'm glad you let me join you in your mission. It's very different than digging in remote ruins, but I like it here on your ship. Your crew is very devoted to your cause."

"Not just my cause, everyone has their reason to fight. If we don't stop Saren, there won't be anything left."

"Of course. But they're also devoted to you."

"It's the command structure of the Alliance military," Shepard explained patiently. "Or pretty much any military. Garrus told me the turians are even more devoted to their CO. Even if the order was bad, they would still carry it out."

Liara shook her head. "Perhaps I wasn't clear. What I meant was, there's something about you that makes you very compelling."

"Me?" Shepard was confused and she could only think of one rational explanation. "You mean my connection with the Protheans."

"I admit that was the initial reason why I've found you so fascinating. But it's more than that. I tried to tell you before, but as you can see, I'm not very good with dealing with people without making a fool of myself. What I really wanted to say was, I find you, as a person, very intriguing."

"Intriguing?"

"Yes," Liara continued, "Your experience in Elysium is incredible. You were so young, yet you already possessed the charm to rally the civilians to form a resistance force. And when the defense was breached, you had skills to fight back single-handedly long enough for reinforcements to arrive. For someone to survive through that, it requires tremendous strength and willpower. Now I understand why you also survived the beacon."

Shepard had never mentioned anything about the Skyllian Blitz. "You've been researching me?"

There was a shy smile as Liara nodded.

Shepard suppressed a sigh. "If you wanted to know about me, you could have just asked."

"I... I'm sorry, Aerin. It's become a habit of mine. The subjects of my research usually can't answer my questions."

"Because either they've been dead for fifty thousand years or they're inanimate objects," Shepard answered for her, then waved a dismissive hand and gave Liara a half-smile to calm her nerves. "It's all right. Next time, just ask. Don't trust the extranet. If you dig deep enough, you'll find articles about me being the Alliance's secret prototype weapon, that I am half human half machine."

Liara laughed a little. "I don't think a machine could be this lovely."

Shepard blinked hard at that.

Liara took a breath. "I'm not very good at this, am I? What I've been trying to say is... I found myself attracted to you, Aerin."

She should have seen this coming. Joker had warned her. If given a choice, Shepard would rather fight an army of Geth solo than being here to face this sudden and awkward situation. Guns and battles she was more than familiar with, but dealing with relationship issues, this was not Shepard's department.

"Although I understand there is something between you and Lieutenant Alenko."

That was another surprise.

"How did you...?"

"The attraction between the two of you is obvious."

Was it? And here she thought they were being subtle. She certainly hadn't noticed it herself until recently. But looking back, it had been there all along. Shepard had to wonder if who else noticed.

"Kaidan... He is..." Perfect.

There were other words she could use to describe him, but none she could use in front of Liara without further hurting her feelings. Smart, sweet, caring, warm. That face, that smile, and the way he looked at her sometimes. There were times when Shepard caught herself staring at his profile when he wasn't looking.

But what really drew her to him was even beyond everything all those. He had this strange effect on her no one else had ever had. His occasional protectiveness never annoyed her, it only made her feel safe. His levelheadedness grounded her in this endless sea of chaos. No matter how stress she was, her mood tended to improve when he was around. Her smile came effortlessly when she was with him, especially when they were alone. In front of him, she could completely let her guard down and be herself – not the image of Commander Shepard, the perfect hardened soldier everyone expected to see, but just Aerin Shepard, the person with her own quirks and flaws.

In other words, she loved him.

"Your smile says it all, Aerin."

That yanked her away from her reverie. Shepard snapped back to reality and put on a straight face. Liara deserved an answer, especially after her sincere confession. But for once, Shepard's wits had left her cold. All she could think of was being honest.

"Kaidan and I... I don't know what we are, yet," she choice her words very carefully. Those big doe eyes studied her closely in somewhat confusion. The last thing Shepard wanted was giving her false hope. She had to put a stop on this misunderstanding before anyone got hurt. "But he's very special to me. I care about him. A lot."

Oddly enough, a weight had been lifted off her shoulders by admitting her feelings out loud.

The disappointment on Liara's face was obvious. "I thought so... Thank you for being honest with me."

"Liara, you are a good friend," Shepard said as gently as she could.

"And I will always be your good friend, Aerin. You reached out to me as a friend, I thought there was something more but..."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to give you any wrong ideas."

"You did nothing wrong. Let's... let's just forget we had this conversation."

Shepard couldn't agree more. "Of course."

"Kaidan is a lucky man."

No, I am the lucky one.

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Med Bay

The Med Bay was empty when Kaidan went in to restock his medi-gel supply. His eyes landed on the closed door at the end of the room as he briefly wondered if the commander was still in there. The two-day shore leave had given everyone a much needed break, but he could tell Shepard's stress level came back at the speed of light as they approached Noveria. Those lips that used to curl up during shore leave now often pressed into a thin line, and that faint knot between her eyebrows tended to surface even more frequently than before.

Miraculously, he was still able to bring a smile to her face every now and then after they had come back to the ship. For that, he was glad.

The door to the lab opened. Shepard exited, seemingly distracted. The light in the room was dim, but he could have sworn there was a sudden pink flush on the commander's face when she noticed he was in the Med Bay.

"I updated the team," he told her. "They know what to do."

"Thanks..." Shepard nodded as she approached.

Kaidan was curious about her sudden change in demeanor, to say the least, but he decided to observe first. He retrieved the medi-gel from the dispenser while subtly waiting for her next move. Shepard didn't exit the Med Bay, as he would expect. Instead, she stopped only a step away from him, lost in her own thought.

"Everything all right?"

Shepard nodded again.

Kaidan didn't buy that lie for a second. "Hey, hey..." he called out softly, touching her arm to get her attention. There was a hesitation before she looked up, he noticed. "Look, if there's something wrong, whatever it is, tell me, Aerin. Maybe I can help you."

A faint weary smile flashed across her face. "Thanks, but nothing's wrong, Kaidan." Then came a pause, a long one. Yet Kaidan waited patiently. Shepard continued, "I'm just trying to digest some info, that's all. Give me five minutes, I'll be ready for the mission."

He was never a nosy one, but it was Shepard and he wanted to help her, even if it was to lend her an ear. "Did something happen with Liara?" he asked quietly. That was the only logical guess he could think of.

That sudden shift in her eyes was all he needed to confirm his suspicion.

She let out a light chuckle. "You a mind-reader?"

"I wish."

"Not here-" Shepard quickly went quiet as the door to the lab opened once again.

Liara stepped out and looked mildly surprise to see them. "I... I was just heading to the..." She paused. Her gaze landed on his hand on Shepard's arm. "I'll go get ready."

Shepard had already composed herself by then. "Remember to stock up on the medi-gel," she told Liara, "be ready for anything." Shepard headed for the door, her previous momentary hesitation was all but gone.

"I'll see you in a bit, Liara." He gave the doctor a nod before following Shepard out of the Med Bay.

She led him into her cabin and didn't speak until the door is closed. "It's not as bad as you might think."

"Well, nothing is as bad as galactic destruction, I suppose."

"You're right about that." Shepard chuckled then took a breath before she blurted out, "Liara told me she's attracted to me."

So the shy and sweet doctor finally made a move. That would explain the awkward tension in the Med Bay just now. The burning question he had in mind was: Was the feeling one-way or mutual?

Kaidan chose not to comment.

"You don't look too surprised," Shepard observed.

He shrugged. "There's a lower deck rumor that Dr. T'Soni is interested in you as more than a source of the Prothean data."

"Really?"

He nodded. "It's been going on for a while now."

"...I didn't know that."

"Guess no one dares to tell the boss."

She scowled mildly. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I thought you knew. Well until that night at Flux when Joker said something about you and Liara, and I saw your reaction. Look, it's not a big ship. There's always someone around the corner. And words travel. It's just some lower deck gossip."

"I know how it works. Just never been in the center of it myself. At least not that I'm aware of." She ran a hand through her hair. "I wish I knew. It completely blindsided me. Felt like I've been ambushed."

To think that the fearless Commander Shepard was rattled by this personal matter, it was endearing. "You shouldn't be too surprised. There is something about you that draws people to you, Aerin."

"Now you sound just like Liara."

Somehow, that stung more than a little. "So... you and Liara..."

"What? No!" She almost looked hurt when she realized his underlying question. "There's nothing between us. Liara and I are just friends. Period," she stated firmly, perhaps to herself, perhaps to him. "I have told her that already."

That was a relief.

Shepard let out a deep sigh and made a face that looked like a wince, yet to him it was still adorable. "That has to be one of the most awkward conversations I've ever had, if not the most awkward one. I'd rather fight my way out of a war zone. Solo."

Kaidan shook his head and smiled at that. "Love is often compare to war. Like how they are both easy to begin, but very hard to stop." He was a perfect example to that quote.

Shepard snorted. "All I know is I'm trained to deal with one but not the other."

As tempted as he was to ask her what she had said to Liara, Kaidan refrained. It was none of his business, and frankly he was just happy with the result.

But Shepard seemed to be able to read his mind. "Aren't you curious about what happened?"

Kaidan kept his composure with practiced ease. "That's between the two of you, Aerin. I don't need to know."

An eyebrow arched. "You sure? Even when your name was brought up?"

His composure slipped. That was not what he had expected. "I... Well, I don't have the heart to make you relive your awkward moment."

"Thanks, that's sweet of you." Blue eyes shone as she studied him keenly. He was certain she could see right through him. "But you're dying to know."

He could only smile a little in embarrassment. "Wouldn't you?"

"Of course." A smirk appeared but it was quickly erased. She hesitated for a second before she revealed quietly, "She asked if there's anything between us."

That would be a hard question to answer. As much as he would want her to say yes, he could certainly understand if she said no. "What did tell her?" he asked just as quietly.

"The truth. I said I don't know what we are..."

That was the truth. Yet Kaidan couldn't fight off a sudden wave of disappointment.

"But..." Blue eyes gazed up at him. "I told her I care about you. A lot."

Deep down, he already knew, but hearing it from her was completely something else. His heart melted; he couldn't be happier. However, his brain decided to deliver a rude awakening by reminding him this woman was his CO and they were on a mission.

"I don't want to distract you, Aerin. We're in the middle of stopping the galaxy from destruction. The deeper we get, the bigger the problem seems. Are you sure that's what you really want?"

Kaidan knew he had made a big mistake as soon as words flew out of his mouth. He watched in horror as her soft gaze suddenly turned icy and her sincere expression shifted to a guarded one.

"Damn it, it didn't come out right," he mumbled, frustrated with his own stupidity. "I'm sorry, Aerin, I didn't mean-"

"I always know what I want, Kaidan," she cut him off. Her voice quiet, but there was an unmistakable edge to it. "Do you?" She stared straight into his eyes, daring him to come out of his shell, to tell her the truth.

He knew what he wanted, of course he did. What he wanted was standing right in front of him. But he couldn't – wouldn't – allow himself to act, for the sake of both of them. Too much was at stake; even if he didn't consider his career, he had to protect hers. Besides, everything would be a moot point if they couldn't stop Saren. He simply couldn't let himself to be her distraction at this critical point, no matter how much he wanted her.

Still, he couldn't lie to her. She deserved to know – no, she needed to know. Or else the best thing that had ever happened to him might just slip away.

It was now or never.

"I do. I care about you, more than I have for anyone," he admitted and noticed her expression softened almost immediately. It felt strangely liberating to say it out loud. "But I don't want to complicate the chain of command. It'd make your life even harder than it already is."

"I know..." She nodded reluctantly.

"Believe me, I know exactly what I want," he repeated, words came much easier this time. "But I can't act upon it. Not yet, anyway. It's tough keeping it separated from duties, but when the mission's completed, it'd be different."

Her eyebrow raised slightly, asking him a silent question.

"How long do you think our shore leave will be after this? Think we'll have enough time to make a trip to the winery?" That thought alone brought a grin to his face.

Her brow arched up further with more than a hint of smirk. "'We'?"

"I was kinda hoping our shore leave would be joint."

She was trying to maintain a straight face, he could tell. "Good. I don't have to track you down on your shore leave."

His grin widened.

"I can't believe you're thinking of shore leave when we just had one."

"Gives me something to look forward to. Something more personal to fight for."

"Did you say winery?"

He nodded. "Or anywhere you want."

"You just gave me an extra incentive to finish this mission asap. A shore leave would be nice."

He had always found her gaze mesmerizing, now more than ever when she was staring at him with a lovely smile she tried but failed to hide. Those pink lips looked too temptingly soft. He would love nothing more than to pin her up against the wall and kiss her then and there, but he couldn't let himself to take that step forward. Not here, not now.

The struggle between his impulsive desire and his well-honed discipline was soon over, leaving behind more than a hint of regret. Kaidan started to hate the self-control he had relied on for so many years.

He allowed himself to reach out to brush a few errand strands of hair off her face. His fingertips touched the side of her cheek briefly. "You know, you are hard to step away from."

She leaned closer. "That a bad thing?"

Kaidan could feel his self-control slipping. "No..." He took a deep breath to steady himself. "We'll get this done, Aerin. The sooner, the better." That was all he could tell her under current circumstances.

"Bridge to Commander," Joker's voice came through the comm. "Approaching Noveria. ETA twenty minutes."

For once, Kaidan welcomed Joker's interruption which promptly halted all his wide fantasies.

"Time to suit up," said Shepard. "Thanks for being here for me."

Before he could say another word, Shepard took a quick step up and gave him a peck on his cheek, leaving him stunned with wide eyes.

She stepped back just as quickly and glanced at his dumbfounded reaction with a tiny smirk and a shake of her head before she headed out of her cabin. A grin slowly spread across his face as he registered what had happened. His hand went up to the cheek she had just kissed. He could still feel a leftover ticklish sensation from her lips; they were even softer than he had imagined.

With the galaxy on the verge of destruction, it almost felt wrong to feel this happy. Yet, he truly was. Kaidan had to make a conscious effort to wipe that grin off his face before he stepped out and followed her.

He was a lucky man.

A/N: Took them twenty chapters to reach this point. Hope it was worth the wait. I feel sorry for Liara, but this has to be done to pave the path for her in part 2.

We're 2/3 into part 1 of this story. Thanks for reading so far. And thanks for the reviews. Another shout-out to Xiscorr, thank you, more fluff for you, and the sad (and best) part is coming soon so don't die on me.