"Hi, honey. It's Jamie's big night and we're just about to leave. We, um, we don't want you to miss a thing. Say hi to your daddy, Jame."
He waves excitedly at the camera I'm aiming at him. "Daddy, I'm gonna sing!"
I turn the camera back to me. "Hear that? Your son will be a singing basketball player."
Jamie giggles. "Can I sing and play basketball, Mama?"
"Why not?" I say, focusing the camera back at him. "Doesn't he look good?"
He's in a white formal shirt, a black tie, faded blue jeans and a black waistcoat; the entire ensemble is a gift from Brooke. She couldn't make it to the recital but she mailed this to him.
"And Mama looks pretty!"
"I'm in that green dress you like so much," I whisper and wink into the camera.
The dress was an impulsive buy, a short-sleeved, V-neck piece with a hem that reaches slightly above my knees. It wraps fittingly around my body like a glove. It didn't stay on for more than five minutes the first time Nathan saw me in it.
"I don't wanna be late, Mama."
He's already by the door, holding his jacket and looking very much like his dad when he's getting impatient.
"We gotta go. James doesn't want to be late," I grin, and point to Jamie again.
His mouth is gathered disapprovingly. "Mommy!"
"Uh-oh. I think he's about to start stomping his foot. Give your father some love before we go."
He waves. "Love you, Daddy! Mama, let's go! I've been ready forever!"
Laughing, I point the camera to me. "I love you, honey. See you soon."
I shut the camera, stash it in my bag and grab my coat from the couch. He has such a cute pout, which flexes and sets as I help him into his jacket.
"Forever, huh?" I tease as I open the door.
"Forever," he emphasizes.
The school is not more than ten minutes away from home but there was an accident that had caused some minor traffic, which made us run late. And because we were late, I had to park at the far end of the lot.
"Is Uncle Lucas coming?" Jamie asks.
We're walking hurriedly towards the auditorium, ducking between parked cars.
"He said he wouldn't miss it. Guess who's coming with him?"
He lets go of my hand to skip towards the door. "Aunt Peyton?"
"And Grandma Deb."
"I wish Daddy came. I want him to see me sing."
I rub his hair and push the door open. "That's why we're taking a video of everything. He'll get to watch it when he's awake."
It's a full house when we walk in.
"Everybody's here! You lated me, Mama!" he laments seriously.
"I'm sorry, sweetie."
"They're gonna laugh at me 'cause I'm late!"
"Who will?"
"Everybody!"
Jamie can be delightfully dramatic. I walk him down the aisle to the backstage, where Miss Maria is waiting.
"Sorry! Are we very late?" I ask her as Jamie joins his friends in line.
"No. There are still a few children missing."
I catch a glimpse of Sam in the back positioning the kids for the line-up. He just blinks at me. I turn away, wiggling my fingers at Jamie before walking back to the auditorium. Looking around, I spot Peyton waving at me from the second row. I hug the three of them.
"You look great!" Peyton says, by way of greeting.
"So do you!" After a tight hug, I sweep my fingers lightly over her hair. "I love the straightened locks, Peyt."
She smiles coyly and shakes her head a little. "Don't get used to it."
"Jamie looks so handsome," Deb says with her grandmotherly pride.
"Brooke," I reply.
"Is she back?" Luke asks.
"I think so. I honestly don't know. She's hard to keep track of."
Deb is taking pictures of us.
"Deb, Jamie's the one performing tonight," I tell her.
"I know. We'll put these in the scrapbook."
I give her an appreciative smile.
"I haven't seen him yet. How is he?" Lucas inquires.
"They removed the neck brace and restraints this morning."
"That's great!"
I wonder if it is. The doctor said that he hasn't had any seizures after the last one so they had been weaning him off the medication. I explain my concerns to Luke.
"I thought that seizures are unpredictable?"
I nod as I bite down on my lip. "That's what he told me. But since Nathan hasn't had any, it's…safe to assume it won't happen again. I'm just hoping it's not a huge gamble on their part."
"It's going to be okay, Hales," he says, squeezing my hand. "You'll see."
I don't know what is expected at this point for a turnaround. I'm giving it my all, my patience and faith, to the point where all of that begging, hope and faith sometimes feels out of reach. Like it's all off in different directions and the little of it I have isn't doing any good.
I'm about to tell Luke that I just want Nathan back when the lights flicker. As they dim, the preschool director approaches from the wings. Show time.
When it's Jamie's troupe to perform, I wave and zoom in on him as they walk up on stage. I'm not sure if he can see me in the faint light but he does. He waves back at me, grinning when he sees Lucas.
If he were here, Nathan would be the one with the camera. When he's not at an away game, he never misses an event.
Like the little bunch of three- and four-year-olds they are, they fumble and misstep. I watch Jamie, feeling grateful, sad and humbled. A fresh rush of pride flares up in me with his individual performance; he's confident, singing clearly and slipping up on his words a time or two. I'm proud of him, and I can't believe that that's my child up there, one who is sprouting like a weed.
He comes straight for us at the end of the night, his face animated and lit up. "Did you get everything, Mama?"
"I did. Give me a hug. You were wonderful up there."
He grins, hugging me quickly and then turning to Lucas. "You came, Uncle Lucas!"
Luke lifts him high. "I told you I wouldn't miss it for the world."
I chuckle as I focus the camera on them.
"Hey, buddy."
"Aunt Peyton! Mama said you was comin'."
"I promised, didn't I?" she says with a kiss to his cheek. Then she smoothens his waistcoat. "You look fetching, young man."
"Aunt Brooke gave it to me. Mama says I look like Daddy. Did Daddy look like me when he was a little boy, Grandma?"
Deb hands Peyton her camera and takes Jamie from Luke's arms. "Just like you, you gorgeous boy."
I'm filming all of it, really feeling cheerful being surrounded by all of them right now. Their love for Jamie, their need to want to be there for him when Nathan can't, brought them here, and I am so grateful for that.
"Who wants to say hi to Nathan?"
They all turn to the camera, waving.
"Hi, Daddy!"
"Hi, honey!"
"Hey, Nate!"
"Hey, little brother. He's the best looking kid in the school," Luke says.
Peyton gives two thumbs up. "Heartbreaker in the making, Nate. You did good."
"I have to warn you, Nate, about what's to come. You had your first D-A-T-E when you were four. Isn't Jamie's fourth birthday coming up?" Deb asks teasingly into the camera.
"Mama said she's gonna get me bees and a cheetah for my birthday! Bees, Grandma!"
They all look at me through the lens with puzzled expressions.
Jamie wanted ice-cream after the recital, and since he doesn't have school tomorrow, I agreed to it.
"Is this a lucky penny?" he asks as he helps me count out the change.
"No. Where's yours?"
He frowns. "I think…I think it's home. I wanna make another Daddy wish."
I don't know what to think about all the wishing on pennies he does, but it matters so much to him that I just can't ruffle it. "You can make it when we get home."
The server motions over. Our orders in hand, we walk to the table at the corner where Luke, Deb and Peyton are waiting.
"Mint chocolate chip? I thought you liked banana," Luke says.
He holds the cup out to Lucas, swinging his legs back and forth. "This one's Daddy's favourite. Wanna taste?"
"That's okay. I heard you went to a party."
Jamie nods and some ice-cream drips on his tie. "It was the coolest. I rode a donkey."
"Stay still," I tell him as I wipe at his tie.
"A donkey? How was that like?"
"The best. There wasn't chicken nuggets but Mama made them for me after the party. We played and there was cake and games. Mama took lots of pictures for Daddy's special book."
"She did?" Peyton asks him.
Jamie nods. He slides off his chair and tries to climb up my lap. "Mama says that he's gonna be happy to see pictures. Can you take a picture, Grandma? I want Daddy to see me with his ice-cream."
The few times we've had ice-cream since the accident, he's asked for mint chocolate chip, Nathan's favourite. He's completely abandoned his preferred cereal for Nathan's favourite. He never used to pee in bed but lately, wetting the bed has been a frequent occurrence. He has slept in his own bed twice this last week, and only once the entire night.
I've held on to what Denise told me, that these are normal signs for a child who has faced a disruptive event. However, this is my son experiencing these stress symptoms. It worries me when he's wishing on pennies and liking his father's favourite things. It worries me that he's still blaming himself for his father's accident. It worries me that I don't know how to help him.