Jack is still a little miffed from last night's interruption, refusing to touch me every time I come near him. If you ask me, he's being a whiny baby, but then again, I've never had a penis.
"You don't understand," he tells me again the next morning, not looking up from the TV. He's flipping through the channels, driving me crazy, and I'm trying to resist the temptation to grab the remote from him and smack him over the head with it. "It's like torture."
"I understand plenty," I lie, nibbling at my toast and gulping down coffee, not quite sure how he convinced me to get out of bed this early on a Saturday. "Besides, dinner went fine. You'll live."
He rolls his eyes and I throw a pillow at him. "Your mother knew! I felt like she was staring at my pants the entire time."
"Gross, Jack, don't ever include my mother in those types of situations. She didn't know," I lie again, because she totally did! It was awkward, but I've learned pretty well to get over that.
He raises his eyebrows and silences our argument, settling on an old cartoon, and I watch his face break into an amused smile as the characters chase each other around the screen, waiting for the other to meet their demise.
I think about the picnic we're meeting Grace for tonight. It shouldn't feel weird to be around her still, but I can't shake the nagging feeling that I'm missing some big part of the story. I mean, I may have lost part of my memory, but I know myself. And I don't just let people into my life like that. Especially Grace.
"So Grace is really... okay now? You're sure that I don't really hate her but pretend to be her friend?"
Jack shakes his head absently, still staring at the screen. "Nope. That's Jessica. You and Grace are fun to watch together."
"And you like her better than Lucy?"
Okay, so maybe this isn't the best way to gage Grace's presence in my life, since Lucy doesn't seem to make the best impression on everyone. Maybe if she didn't judge them out loud... to their face...
"Yes," he says firmly, laughing at my puzzled look. "Sorry I can't help more, but you two were already close friends by the time I met you.
"You're sure you don't mind going tonight? We're not going to drive you crazy?"
"Oh, you'll drive me crazy, but I'm used to that," he jokes, lacing his fingers through mine in the middle of the couch.
I ignore his comment. "We're supposed to bring a side dish tonight. Any ideas?"
"Buy something at the grocery store?" he laughs when I smack him.
We end up doing just that, after many comments by Jack amounting to "a guy's gotta eat."
"Am I really that terrible?" I ask him as we walk to the deli section of Swegman's.
He wraps his arm around my shoulders loosely, giving up his no contact game. "I like this dress."
"Thanks, I got it with Lucy the other- wait, don't change the subject here."
"Ahh, but I can't be mean to you, you know that," he grins impishly. He must know how charming he is. "That casserole last night... it wasn't that bad!"
I groan. "It was bad."
Jack pays for the potato salad, while I find a cab. It isn't long until we're at the small park Grace wanted us to meet at, which is apparently practically in her backyard according to Jack. Grace greets me with her usual enthusiasm, pulling me into a hug and then does the same to Jack. When we talked on phone yesterday, Grace hadn't told me that she invited everyone else she ever met, too.
The grass in the park is covered in blankets, mostly with people around our age, a few kids thrown in for good measure. If Grace and I are as close as we're made out to be, then I realize I'll probably know a lot of the people here.
Or I knew them, anyway.
I've only thought about this kind of situation since my accident. I haven't actually had to face all of these people until now. I don't think it's crazy to wonder if they're all thinking 'poor Kate'. The last thing I want by now is sympathy. Jack must sense my uneasiness.
"I thought it would be good for you to see everyone again," Grace smiles, leading us to one of the tables stacked with food. "Since you've kind of had some time to gather yourself since the whole coma thing and all."
She leaves us there, Jack's hand resting on my back, and I'm taking in a deep breath.
"Just relax. Everyone knows what you've been through," Jack reassures me.
First we're bombarded with Chris and Beth, who inform me that they're our favorite married couple. They seem okay and don't seem to mind the fact that I don't remember them, telling me stories of how we met at a restaurant while Jack and I were still engaged. I remember vaguely seeing them in a picture somewhere along the way. I rely on Jack to tell me the real scoop once they've moved along.
"They're a little obsessive," he starts, smiling. "But nice enough. We have dinner with them a few times a year."
"Well, now there are two less people to not remember, I guess."
Lucy shows up a few minutes later, holding onto the hand of a man I've never seen before. He's a little tan for my taste, but otherwise not too bad.
"This is Ryan," she beams, and Jack and I both introduce ourselves politely. "We met on the subway," she says, but all I can picture is Lucy actually taking the subway. They practically skip off to lay down their own blanket, and I sigh at the fact that I've lost another person to cling to.
"Kate! Oh my God I'm so sorry I haven't been in touch but I didn't know if you'd remember me and I thought it might be awkward- Jack, so good to see you too!"
I widen my eyes, not quite sure who this lady is, but she looks so familiar.
"Judy," I say slowly, and Jack's hand tightens around my waist. He's probably as shocked as I am that I remember someone.
"Oh, you do remember! Honey, that makes me so happy!"
Well, she is memorable. Judy is the rep for our supply company at the clinic, but it doesn't mean I want to remember her. I seem to only remember people who have made a bad impression. Like Judy, and Jack's mom.
"I was so happy when I received Grace's invite. Makes me feel so special," she rambles on, and I'm not sure how long I've zoned out until Jack is nudging me in the ribs.
"Ow. What the hell?"
"When are you returning to work?"
"Oh. Soon I guess. I just have to take the boards again and then I should be able to get back into things."
I thought this was supposed to be about relaxing and enjoying the holiday with my friends and my husband. But it's turning into some twenty questions kind of thing.
I tell Judy that I'll see her soon, as unfortunate as that might be, and tug Jack by the hand so we can be alone.
"How many more times is this going to happen?" I whisper.
"Lots," Jack cringes. "You're doing fine."
"Why can't I remember Chris or Beth, or those two over there who keep waving at me? Why do I have to remember people like Judy?"
"Couldn't tell ya," Jack says. He pulls the blanket we brought from the bag on my shoulder, leading me over to an empty patch of grass away from everyone.
I settle down onto it, Jack beside, watching in silence as the sun falls below the horizon slowly. It's nice to be able to sit and actually feel relaxed around Jack, who I was absurdly afraid of just months ago. He notices me watching him and meets my eyes with a smile.
The smile clicks in my brain, and all of a sudden I can remember being here with him before, almost in the same spot...
"We come here every year, don't we?" I lean back into his chest, resting my arms on his knees.
"Umm... no, we've never been here for the fourth before."
"But I remember," I laugh, thinking he must be teasing me. "We were sitting right here basically, and we were watching fireworks, and then you kissed me..."
"Nothing," he shakes his head.
And, oh crap, now I see the face, the hair, the arms of the man I'm sitting with, and it's not Jack. But I don't know who it is.
I look down, suddenly fascinated with the weaving on the red blanket.
Jack starts to laugh, squeezing my shoulders lightly. "Wasn't me, was it?"
"Nope, not quite." I'm glad he's laughing, because I don't think I would be thrilled if the situation was reversed.
"It's okay, I can tell you all about my ex girlfriends if you want."
He may be joking, but it sounds like a hell of a good idea to me, even though I know he won't go there.
I'm looking for Grace and instead I catch the eye of a guy with short light hair.
Shit. The guy that wasn't Jack.
He smiles and walks toward me. I don't even know his name, but of course I remember kissing him, and of course he remembers me.
Jack seems to know what this is about, and before I can warn him, the man is standing above our blanket.
"Kate," he smiles. "How have you been?"
I stand, and hope that my confused look will speak for itself. "Pretty good, and you?"
Maybe I can get out of this quickly.
"Oh, you know, the usual. Have you talked to Becky lately?"
Becky. "No," I say truthfully, if only I knew who Becky was.
"Umm," I start hesitantly, not sure how to say this, "I actually don't really remember... your name."
I tell him all about the accident, and he tells me his name is Luke. He leaves us alone after too many minutes of awkwardness. Jack seems okay with it all, or pretends to be anyway.
"So that was interesting," Jack comments, with a little stress in his voice.
"More like awkward."
"You really don't remember him, huh?" he asks.
"Not his name or anything important, anyway," I tell him, eying Grace, full of envy. She's laughing and drinking what must be her fifth beer, talking with people she actually knows.
Jack looks down, suddenly interested in his fingernails. "But you don't remember me. You didn't even know my name when you woke up, and you still don't remember me. How is this any different?"
I realize he's full of all kinds of insecurities, but he's been nice enough, or stubborn enough- I can't decide which, to not share them with me.
It's hard to explain to Jack why he's different than Luke, or whatever his name was, because it's hard enough to wrap around in my own mind.
"I feel something when I'm with you. I think even in the beginning when I was really scared of what would happen, I stayed with you because I could tell there was something good between us," I tell him, hoping that it's enough.
He sighs. "I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing when I'm with you, that's all. I don't want to freak you out with too much, but I also want you to know that I'm there for you, so I guess I've been trying to balance that all this time and it's catching up with me."
"You've been great, Jack. Almost the whole time," I say. He already knows he messed up when he waited so long to tell me about our inability to conceive.
We leave it at that for the time being, and I relax back into him as the fireworks start. We can actually see them fairly well from this tiny park, and I can feel them vibrating off of us, shaking the ground and lighting up the sky. Jack leans forward a bit and wraps his arms around my stomach, kissing my neck, pausing there. I know what he wants to say, but after how many times I've replied with silence, it's no wonder he doesn't.
So I say it for him.
I turn my head toward his, and in this awkward position we lock eyes. I press a kiss against his lips.
It's like I can't catch my breath, my heart pounds in my chest, and even though there's virtually no chance that it won't be reciprocated, it's still the hardest thing to say.
"I love you."