Chapter 21: Strange feelings
Emmy had to be back today. Vania was surprised that she wasn't back at the palace yet, with tonight being the night when the new pages get assigned their sponsors. Vania herself had been back for close to a week, and she had been restless the whole time. By late morning, she was at the pages' stables, giving Thunder an unnecessary grooming just so she had an excuse to be there.
It was good that she did. Just when she was finishing up, Emmy rode in on Whisper.
"Emmy!" Vania wore a big grin when she rushed out of Thunder's stall. Emmy answered it one of her own, and jumped off Whisper gracefully.
They embraced tightly. Emmy felt lean and strong.
"Well, you sure took your time coming back!" Vania said when they pulled apart, still grinning as she scanned Emmy's face. She looked tanned, and her face was open and relaxed. She felt a little taller, only a few inches shorter than Vania now. Vania fought the urge to kiss her.
"I still have an afternoon to spare!" Emmy grinned back. But she sobered quickly, her hand reaching out to touch Vania's cheek gently. "You look like you lost weight, though. Have you been pushing yourself too hard?"
Vania blinked in surprise. Her cheek tingled at Emmy's touch. "Well, I — I wanted to learn as much healing as I can, you know that. And I didn't want to become rusty in training." Seeing the growing frown on Emmy's face, Vania added quickly, "I can heal broken bones now, do you know? I healed a little boy's broken leg, and he was so awed!"
Emmy smiled, and Vania felt very pleased to see the pride for her in Emmy's eyes, "That's wonderful, Vania! Let me groom Whisper, and we'll talk."
Vania finished up with Thunder quickly, and went to help with Whisper when she was done. They started talking straight away, eager to fill each other in. Letters had been sparse, with Vania traveling across Trebond and City of the Gods.
"Wait, what?" Vania paused in shock, "You joined a battle against over forty immortals?"
"There was less than half of them left by the time we got there," Emmy said casually, "And we went in with twenty men. There were twenty-odd trainees and instructors already there."
Vania looked Emmy up and down. "Were you hurt? I can't believe they let you fight! You're thirteen!"
"I'll be fourteen in a month!" Emmy smirked at her. "And they almost didn't. But I asked nicely."
Vania snorted. "You didn't answer my first question."
Emmy avoided her eyes. "Just a scratch. But guess what? I met a distant cousin — Clarissa of Eldorne is a Rider trainee, apparently."
Vania was torn between concern and surprise. Surprise won. "Did you know her before this?"
Emmy shook her head. "We didn't talk much after that, either. It was so odd. I heard that our families were close before this, but I don't even know how many Eldornes there are out there." She paused. "I wonder if she grew up the way I did."
The forlorn look on Emmy's face was too much. Vania stopped what she was doing and went around Whisper to grab her hand, giving it a squeeze. She didn't know what to say, but Emmy seemed to get it.
She smiled back at her. "I'm sorry. I guess we're all doing well now, with me in knight training and her joining the Riders."
Vania gave her hand another squeeze before going back to her side of the stall and picking up her brush again. "There's no need to apologise. You reminded me of something though, I heard talk in the City of the Gods. They talk about these immortal attacks as well, groups that were not supposed to work together banding up to attack towns or travelers on the road."
"You heard that too?" There was surprise in Emmy's voice. "Buri and Eda told me after the attack. And they talked about how the attacks make folks talk about… well…"
Vania gripped her brush tighter. "That Tortall is losing favour with the gods? Because we marry foreigners, educate commoners, and allow girls to fight?" She caught Emmy's concerned eyes across Whisper's back, and she smiled reassuringly. "I heard that since I was a child. Someone even passed me a flyer, once, listing all the reasons why things are going wrong in our realm. I ran crying to my father, and he was so mad."
Emmy's eyes went wide.
"That was years ago. I know it's nonsense now, don't worry." Vania said, focusing on her brush strokes to make sure that she wasn't being rough involuntarily. "The talk has never taken much hold. But these attacks are reviving them once more."
They were quiet for a moment.
"Do you think someone is trying to start something?" Emmy asked finally.
"It sounds like it, doesn't it?" Vania said grimly. She knew her parents had done great things for the people in Tortall, and it angered her to know that there are some who spread twisted lies to undermine them. "I can't wait to find out who it is, and I want to bring them in."
Emmy held her gaze evenly. "We're still in training, Vania. It'll be years still before we're knights."
"So?" Vania challenged, "Didn't you join the battle to help the Rider trainees? We can still do something. We had three years of training already, and we'll have more, when the time comes!"
Emmy smiled slowly. "That was how I convinced the headman to let me go."
Vania stared at Emmy for in surprise for a moment, and broke out laughing.
"I can't wait to be a knight." Emmy said quietly when Vania calmed down.
Vania sobered quickly and nodded at her, seeing the same determination in Emmy's eyes. "Me too."
Their forth year of page training started without fuss. There were two girls among the new pages this year, much to all the girls' delight. One was Jessamine of Jesslaw, whose grey eyes sparkled with mischief. Vania liked her immediately and became her sponsor. Fianola sponsored a quiet, graceful girl called Wilina of Rosemark. Patrine sponsored Darren of Wellam, much to everyone's surprise. Emmy was happy to let them sponsor the first-years, thinking that they would give them a better start with their untarnished family names.
In training, Emmy had a shock when Eda started asking her to help teach the other pages in unarmed combat, especially the first years. She had never heard of a page being asked to teach before, even though squires at the palace were known to help out. And even if Vania and Fianola grinned at her in pride and accepted her corrections without fuss, Gerald was a little awkward at the beginning.
"What can I do to make it better for you?" Emmy finally asked after a week, when both of them were alone in the corridors on their way to the library. "You're always distracted when I'm correcting your stance in class. I need to know you're listening, or I'm not doing my duty, and you're not learning things well. It could mean life or death when we're out there, Gerald."
"Do you really care about me dying out there, or do you just want to make sure you stay Eda's pet?" Gerald asked lightly, making Emmy halt in her tracks.
Emmy studied Gerald's annoyed face. His eyes hinted at some sort of internal struggle. "What is your problem, really?"
"My problem is you've been getting extra lessons over the summer!" He snapped. "And you come back all high and mighty! Acting like you're better than all of us!"
Emmy didn't try to hide the hurt from her face. "I didn't ask for this." Her fists were shaking. "Don't you think I want to go back to Tirragen, if I can?"
Almost immediately his face changed; his annoyance vanished, leaving only dismay. He reached out to touch Emmy's shoulder, but Emmy shrugged him off curtly.
"I'm sorry, Emmy. I didn't mean —"
"You were very clear in what you meant." Emmy said icily.
"No!" Gerald grunted. He looked to make sure the corridors are empty, and rushed forward. Emmy was too hurt and angry to dodge him, and his face was suddenly in front of her.
He kissed her on the lips firmly.
She staggered back in shock.
Gerald stood where he was, his face miserable. "That was what I meant. I didn't know — I didn't know how to say it." He backed away. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have taken advantage of you."
He fled down the corridors, back where they came from.
Emmy stood where she was, still stunned. Only when a servant passed by did she make herself move. She walked slowly back to her own room in a daze, and collapsed her bed to stare at the ceiling.
Gerald was a friend. He was a good friend, his respect hard-won and his loyalty a rock that Emmy knew she could rely on. But now it seemed like he liked her as a girl. Did she like him that way?
Almost immediately she knew she didn't. And she wasn't even fourteen yet! She didn't want to think about these things. She had so much to do! What was she going to do with Gerald? Would he be hurt if she said no? Would they still be friends? She would miss having him as a friend. And what about their study group?
She groaned, covering her eyes with her arm.
A while later, she pushed herself up in disgust. She was wasting time. She had work to do. She retrieved her books and sat herself in front of her desk. Gerald would have to wait.
She was halfway through an essay when someone knocked. She opened the door to find Vania looking at her in concern.
"Are you all right? You said you were going to join us in the library."
"I'm fine," Emmy said without thinking, rubbing her eyes tiredly. "What time is it?"
"Half a bell before curfew." Vania said, and gently pushed her way into the room, closing the door behind her. "Are you sure you're all right? Gerald didn't turn up as well. Do you know what happened to him?"
Emmy had stiffened at his name, and she knew Vania caught it. Emmy considered Vania's concerned eyes. Who else could Emmy trust with something like this?
Emmy tugged her to the bed and they both sat. She looked at her lap nervously. "Well. I don't know what to do." She paused. "Gerald kissed me."
Vania almost jumped out of the bed. "He what?"
"He didn't — he didn't force himself on me or anything," Emmy said hurriedly, "We were arguing. He said something hurtful. But the next moment, he was very apologetic, and he kissed me on the lips. Just a little. He said that was what he meant."
"What do you mean, that was what he meant?" Vania asked crossly. When Emmy looked up, she saw that Vania's eyes flashed with anger.
"I think — I think he was fighting his feelings for me." Emmy said, her heart softening for Gerald but cringing in guilt because she didn't feel the same way. "He was saying the hurtful things because… maybe because he didn't know how to act normally around me anymore. He even apologised afterwards." Emmy put her head in her hands and groaned. "What am I going to do, Vania?"
Vania gave her shoulders a squeeze. "Do you… like him? In that way?"
Emmy shook her head miserably. "He's just a friend. But apparently he's changed. How are we going to stay friends after this? I don't want to lose a friend!"
Vania took a few moments to reply. "Well… Be honest with him. I think he'll understand. He's too honourable to do anything to you if you're unwilling."
Emmy looked up to look at Vania uncertainly. "Do you think so?"
Vania nodded encouragingly. "You're talking about the page who takes the Code of Chivalry more seriously than any of us."
Despite Emmy's distress, she smiled a little. "You and him both, though you read it differently."
Vania raised an eyebrow that suggested she wanted to talk more about this, but she wasn't going to be diverted. "So yes, I think that the best thing to do is to be honest with him. He will respect that, and you would have done your duty to him as a friend."
It made sense. Emmy smiled gratefully, and turned to hug Vania properly. "Thank you, Vania. My mind feels clearer now."
When Emmy pulled back, she considered the fact that her hands were still on Vania's arms, and her room door was closed. She grinned. "At least I won't have that problem with you!"
Something flashed past Vania's eyes, so quickly that Emmy thought she might have imagined it. Was it dismay? But Vania was already grinning back at her.
"Aren't you lucky?" Vania said, though it sounded a little forced. Emmy was starting to frown when Vania got up. "I better get back. The bell for curfew is going to ring soon."
Vania fled her room before Emmy could say another word. Did she imagine Vania's sudden uneasiness? They had plenty of time before curfew to say a few more words. And it wasn't as if Vania wasn't living across the hall from her.
Why were her friends acting so weird this year?
When Vania closed the door to her room, she leaned her forehead against it, and let out a shuddering breath. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
How could things change so fast? How could her feelings become such a mess within a few moments?
She had been so shocked to hear that Gerald kissed Emmy on the lips. And then she almost collapsed in relief when Emmy said she didn't like him that way. But to hear Emmy joke about not having the same problem with Vania — that stung. It stung more than Vania thought it could, even if Vania had considered the possibility.
She hoped Emmy didn't sense it. If Emmy preferred men like most women she knew, then it would be better if she never found out about what Vania felt for her.
Vania made herself go through the motions of undressing and preparing for bed. But when she was ready she fell onto her bed, face-down. She sunk her face deeper into her pillow, and tried to convince herself that she wasn't crying.
Gerald was silent and aloof the next day, though for once he did as he was told, without being distracted or acting awkward. Emmy was carefully cool towards him the whole day, though she knew she had to clear the air as soon as they had a private moment.
It was hard to get one. Outside of class, he avoided her every chance he got, and Emmy couldn't find a moment with him for the next few days. Finally, at training, Emmy stepped close to him and pretended to correct his stance.
"We need to talk." She whispered so only he could hear. "Please. Stables, tonight at the eighth bell."
She was there early.
So was he.
She dragged him towards the end of the stables, where it bordered a clearing. It was where she had fought Tibout earlier in the year and almost lost her life.
"Thanks for coming." She said nervously.
Gerald smiled tiredly. He had shadows under his eyes, as if he hadn't been sleeping well. "You asked so nicely."
"Listen —"
"I'm sorry —"
They stopped, and gestured for each other to continue at the same time. They grinned weakly at each other.
"Ladies first." Gerald finally said.
Emmy ducked her head to hide her smile. It was something he would say. But she sobered when she considered her words. She had rehearsed them many times.
"I value your friendship, Gerald. But," she swallowed, "I think of you as a friend, that's all. I'm sorry —"
"No," He interrupted firmly. "I'm the one who's sorry. I shouldn't have acted that way. I was rude, and I was out of line. I'm sorry."
Emmy shook her head quickly. "It's all right. I know you didn't mean anything bad." She stared at his sad smile, and wanted to salvage what she could. "Friends?"
He nodded slowly. "Always. Maybe one day —" He twitched, as if about to take a step forward, but stopped himself.
He swallowed, and stared at her. Emmy tried to hold her ground, aware that he was looking at her as a girl, and not a fellow page. "Please understand if I — if I avoid you sometimes. I will control myself as best as I can, because I still want to be your friend. But maybe it's just easier if — if I avoid you sometimes."
Emmy nodded, not knowing what else to say.
He tried to smile. "Shall we head back to the library, then? We don't want them to talk."
Emmy nodded. They walked back together in silence, an arm's length apart.
The next few months passed by a little uneasily, with some tension still between Emmy and Gerald. They acted as normally as they could, though Gerald would avoid partnering with her or going into Corus with the pages when Emmy was going too. Even Vania seemed a little weird, all friendly one moment, and aloof the next.
Emmy would wonder more about this if she wasn't so busy. Now that it was their final year as a page, the classwork was getting harder and harder even as she found the combat training more manageable. They also hardly get punishment duty anymore, though Patrine, her charge Darren, and Jessamine all got into trouble. Darren and Jessamine both had competitive streaks and a knack for pranks, and Fianola jokingly wondered why Vania and Patrine managed to pick the troublemakers. Wilina was a model page, much like her sponsor.
"Well, I have an eye for people who think beyond rules and conventions!" Vania declared, a hint of pride in her eyes.
"Don't you wish haMinch think the same way?" Emmy teased.
Vania winked at her. "Are you sure you know how he thinks about conventions, sweet?"
Vania's sapphire eyes twinkled.
Her lips looked very kissable.
Emmy blinked, and completely missed what Fianola said to Vania. Where did that come from? She interrogated her own brain and came up with no satisfactory answer.
She looked at Vania again, and felt the same urge to kiss her. She shook her head to clear the thought.
"Emmy?" Vania put a hand on her shoulder, frowning a little in concern. "Are you all right?"
Emmy became very aware of the hand on her shoulder. She saw Fianola and Roland looking at her as well.
"I'm fine." She lied, "I was just thinking about the math problem."
Vania rolled her eyes. "We called your name three times! You need to get your head out of the books more, Emmy."
Emmy knew she was teasing, but she was flustered. "Oh, so I can trounce you more at the practice courts?"
They all stared at her in shock. Emmy privately cursed her big mouth.
Vania narrowed her eyes. "Do you think so? Why don't we try it?"
They haven't duelled in a while, not since the last time Alan was here and they tried some of the more complex passes against each other. Even then, they knew what each other would try, and it wasn't really a freestyle duel that would have pitted their skills against each other. And because of their busy schedules over the past few months, they had not sparred or had a freestyle duel either, and instead spent their time on drills.
Emmy wanted to know. She tried to smile. "It's about time we have a practice duel again, don't you think?"
Vania closed her books and stood, a glint in her eyes. "And there's no better time than now."
"We still have work due tomorrow," Fianola said uncertainly as Emmy gathered her things. "Maybe we should do this later."
"You can stay here, Fianola, Roland." Vania said with a forced smile. "I've been itching to go against Emmy since she came back from the desert. You saw how Eda trusts her as an assistant these days. I'm curious if her sword work is as good as her unarmed combat."
Roland looked like he was about to protest, and Emmy said quickly, "She's right. This is between the two of us. Please stay, don't delay your work because of us."
The brisk walk to the practice courts was silent. Emmy couldn't imagine what Vania was thinking. She herself fretted over the strange new feelings. Why did she suddenly want to kiss Vania? They were best friends. Vania had kissed her a few times, but on the forehead, as a sister would. Emmy was thinking of her lips.
What was wrong with her?
Vania led her to the practice courts used by the queen's ladies, which was the nearest. It was empty at this time of the day. They set their bags next to a barrel that held wooden practice swords. Vania took two, and passed her one.
Vania held her sword up, and Emmy backed away a few steps so they had more space.
"Don't you do warmups?" Emmy said lightly. She wasn't sure how they ended up doing this. Was it really a good idea?
"Do you think our enemies would give us time to warm up?" Vania said coolly. "Guard."
Vania charged at Emmy the second she brought her sword up, and Emmy blocked hastily. Vania attacked relentlessly and quickly, and Emmy was forced to defend. She had to remind herself not to use kicks or other Shang moves.
Vania pressed on. In a few more moves, Emmy's sword clattered to the floor. Vania's sword tip was at her throat.
"I yield."
Vania brought her sword down, her face annoyed. "You were holding back."
Emmy panted, and decided to be honest. "I didn't really want to fight you."
Vania scowled at her. "Do you think I can't take it? You had to go easy on me?"
"No!" Emmy stepped forward and gripped Vania's arm. "That's not it at all. I know you're good."
"Then what are you doing, Emmy?" Vania asked in exasperation.
A few strands of dark hair has escaped Vania's otherwise neat braid. She had a light sheen of sweat on her face. Her brows were creased in a frown, and her blue eyes glinted with impatience.
Emmy still wanted to kiss her.
But could she? What if Vania thought she was strange? What if this changes their friendship forever?
"You girls sure work hard." A delicate, slightly accented voice called from the corridors, and Emmy turned.
Princess Shinkokami and Yuki walked towards them. Emmy bowed respectfully, though she caught Vania bowing in Yamani-style, with hands flat on her thighs, and wished that she had done the same.
"Shinko-neesan." Vania said with a smile. She had told Emmy before that 'neesan' was Yamani for 'older sister', and that her highness had liked Vania calling her that.
"Isn't it a little late for practice?" Yuki asked. Her face was blank, though her eyes were smiling. Having done glaive practice with them for a month over the summer after her second year, Emmy was a little better than average when it came to reading the Yamanis.
"It's never too late for practice." Vania said. Emmy wondered if the two ladies could tell that Vania's cheerfulness was forced.
Princess Shinkokami turned to Emmy. "How are you doing, Emmy? We missed you at glaive practice."
Emmy blushed and ducked her head. It was more than a year ago! "I'm well, your highness. I didn't think you'd remember me."
Princess Shinkokami did smile. "It is hard to forget someone like you. Vania talks about you often enough."
Emmy turned to Vania sharply, and saw her blush. What was that?
The pre-curfew bell rang, and both of them jumped at the sound. Emmy didn't realise that it was so late.
"I'm sorry, Shinko-neesan. That was the pre-curfew bell. We need to hurry back to our rooms."
"I understand. Have a good night."
They responded in kind and bowed before they left. It was another brisk walk in silence.
Halfway to their rooms, Emmy sighed. "I'm sorry, Vania. I didn't mean what I said tonight."
Vania glanced coolly at her. "Whatever it is you meant, I want another duel with you. A proper one. Don't hold back on me. It's insulting."
Emmy nodded guiltily. "I didn't mean to. I just had something else on my mind."
Vania's hesitation showed, and her annoyance slipped into concern quickly enough. "What is it? Something troubling you?"
They had slowed a little. Emmy looked at Vania's concerned eyes, and felt immensely lucky to have a friend like her. She couldn't risk this. Never this.
Emmy forced a smile. "It's nothing, really. Just a passing thought."
Vania studied her for a while, and Emmy tried not to fidget. "I know you better than that, you know. But I understand if you're not ready to share." She put a hand on Emmy's shoulder. "But remember that I'm always here for you. Whenever you're ready."
Emmy nodded gratefully.
The rest of their walk was still silent, though it held less tension than earlier. When at last they reached their rooms, they muttered a good night to each other and went in.
Emmy leaned her head on her door as she closed it, and gently banged it with her forehead.
What was happening to her?