Guess I thought I'd have to change the world to make you see me,
To be the one.
I could have run forever,
But how far would I have come
Without mourning your love?

All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.

Should it hurt to love you?
Should I feel like I do?
Should I lock the last open door,
My ghosts are gaining on me.

-Evanescence, All That I'm Living For

I lay there, after hours, still unable to sleep. I rocked back and forth, trying to calm myself and the baby. Even though I couldn't see it, I knew my child could feel what I was feeling. I would keep the baby, no matter if I ended up alone or not. And if Edward would ever take me back, I hoped he would be the father. And Luke would never be in my child's life. He made that very clear tonight.

I kept rocking until I felt numb, like the pain was a silent memory. I looked at the clock. It was about 10, the time Edward would always climb through the window and hold me in his arms. I stopped rocking, listening for a rustle in the leaves, a breath other than my own, or his footsteps. I waited, barely breathing, rubbing my stomach where the baby would be.

"It's okay. Daddy won't leave us," I whispered, to myself and the child. I needed to hear it the most though. He couldn't leave me. He told me that he would stay here as long as I wanted him, and I wanted him. I had made that clear.

But then, he might not see it that way. Maybe, from what he saw earlier, he thought that I wanted Luke instead of him. That was the farthest thing from what I wanted, but how would Edward know that? I then remembered his words in the hospital:

I'm not angry with you, love. Nothing else would've been expected. I left you, and you could be with someone else who made you happier, someone who could be with you without endangerment; someone human.

No, Edward couldn't believe that. He just couldn't. That would mean everything that had happened, everything Edward promised me, would be for nothing. It would mean that he would leave me forever now. Now that he thought I didn't want him. I felt my pulse racing, pounding behind my ears. I stood up and awkwardly wobbled to my shiny silver cell phone. I scrolled down the contacts, and found Edward.

Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring…Hello: Edward Cullen: cannot come to the phone now. Please leave a message after the beep, said the female monotone voice. I closed the phone again, than redialed. No Answer. I redialed again, no answer. I kept calling again and again, loosing track after 23 calls.

No, no, no, no, this isn't happening. Those words kept on bouncing around inside my mind. I kept dialing the phone until my eyes were clouded with tears so much that I couldn't see anything. I felt the fresh stitches in my heart start to rip, one by one. I felt each separate pull, like someone yanking out my heart. I then felt the final snap with each pull, like my heart silently being shattered, one piece at a time. I lay back on my bed, crying freely. I kept one fist on my heart, trying to stop the pain. The other hand was frantically stroking circles around my stomach, trying to comfort the baby.

I curled back up, without my covers. It was too warm and soft without Edward. It reminded me of the endless nights when he first left. The pain was doubled though, having known that it was my fault Edward wasn't here. It then tripled, because I realized that the child felt what I was feeling. Again, I was the one hurting everyone else, including myself.

Why? Why am I so horrible!? Why can't anything go right?! I sat up, unable to crush the pain. I walked over to the window, unthinking. I had left it wide-open, a clear invitation for Edward. I leaned out of the white frame, looking down at the outside world. The moonlight was bright against my skin, the clouds gone for the first time in a long time. The moonlight felt good against my skin, a nice alternative to the constant rain and shade. I stretched out the window a little more and closed my eyes, feeling wind whip across my face. It reminded me of cliff diving.

I opened my eyes, and looked at my skin. It was bleached colorless in the moonlight, my hair flat black curtains against it. I looked sort of like a vampire. That sent another wave of sadness through me. I would never be a vampire. Edward always would be. I closed my eyes as more tears dripped down my white face.

I wanted him to come so badly, I didn't even think about what I did next. I didn't think about waking the neighbors or Charlie. "Edward!" I yelled. Well, it was more like shrieking. My tears made my throat scratchy and my voice hoarse. "Edward, please come back," I said quieter. I stared out at the trees and the road, seeing no signs of any living creature.

I sunk to the ground in defeat, and curled up exactly how I did in the forest when Edward had left me. Tonight was opposite though. Instead of the complete and total darkness, there was the bright light of the moon. While the darkness enveloped you and hid you, the light showed you to the world. When you were in the light, you couldn't hide. I preferred the darkness.

I don't know how long I laid there before falling asleep. One minute I was staring at the shadows dancing across my walls, the next everything was black.

"Imma be on the next level. Imma be rockin out that bass treble. I'm gonna be shakin my hips. They gonna be lickin their lips." The Black Eyed Peas were booming over the dancing bodies. I couldn't hear anything besides the music. I felt a strange pulling, a painful pulling. I turned to where it was coming from. I turned slowly, and then saw the devilish boy standing behind me, smiling wickedly. I backed away slowly, unable to move any faster. The farther I went away, the more the pulling hurt. I stopped, unable to bare the pain. I stared back at Luke in fear. His deep blue eyes stared back, and then slowly they changed. They turned into an indigo, then a violet shade. They kept transforming a different range of colors before they turned a bright red. I tried to move away from him, but I was suddenly trapped against a wall. Luke walked closer, and with every step, a different part of him changed. His face became as pale as the moon, his body womanly, then his hair long and fiery. I tried to find a path to get away, but I was completely trapped. Victoria smiled at me, then thrust her palm into my heart, stopping it completely. I felt it shatter and splinter into my skin, and I screamed in torment. She cackled evilly, and I stared back, though not able to focus on her face. "Edward!" I screamed. Those were my last words. But he never came, and I fell on the ground. I didn't get back up.

I woke up screaming and sweating, though I had no covers on. I was still lying on the floor beneath the window. The air was frigid around me, yet I couldn't seem to cool down. It must've been a pregnancy thing.

I slowly brought myself to my knees, and looked around my room for Edward. Then I realized he hadn't come. I felt my heart aching again, only an echo of the dream. I stared numbly at the clock, trying to forget this night. It was 4am. I knew I wouldn't be able to go to sleep again, so I stumbled blindly to the bathroom. I pulled my hair up into a messy bun, trying to keep some of the weight of my neck so I wouldn't overheat.

I went back to my room and changed into my now-tight black tank top. I had grown back into some of my clothes with the addition of my stomach. The clothes didn't fit in the right places, but it still fit. I put on my still-too-big shorts and wobbled across my room to close the window. I sighed as I made my way down the stairs again. I looked through the contents of my fridge, finding nothing appetizing. I looked through the freezer, still not finding anything. I looked back in the fridge, stupidly hoping maybe something had magically showed up. There was just a few cans of pop, a carton of orange juice, a carton of milk, left over rice from last Friday (which I made a mental note to throw out,) and some other leftovers.

I grabbed the milk and a bowl from the cupboard beside the fridge. I also took the box of Rice Krispies (my new obsession), and made myself some cereal. I swallowed my pregnancy pills, and started eating. After breakfast, I hobbled into the living room and grabbed my latest book off of the coffee table. I was reading Wuthering Heights for the 17th time. It's not like I had anything better to do.

I went back into my bedroom, and sat cross-legged on my bed. I flipped to the page I had dog-eared and started reading. When Kathy was alone, I closed the book. I usually did a very good job at becoming a zombie, but it only worked if absolutely nothing reminded me of my problem.

I sighed and grabbed my tattered notebook and started sketching. I remembered Edward and I in the hospital, talking about anything and everything we had missed. Neither of us had anything very pleasant to share. Apparently, Edward's life had sucked almost as much as mine when we were apart. Almost, but my life was most definitely worse.

I focused on my paper after about twenty minutes, and smiled at the result. I had drawn Edward's face, for once care-free and happy. I wished everything could go back to the way it was before he left me. But wishing, hoping, praying, and luck had never gotten me anything.

I threw my notebook on the ground abruptly. I looked at the clock. It was already 7am. Charlie would be at work right now. He probably thought I was sleeping or something, due to my pregnancy. If only he knew that I was crying over my hopeless life.

I picked up the notebook again and tore out the picture of Edward. I stared at it longingly, and then with a sudden rage, I ripped it into dozens of little pieces. I threw the pieces into my trashcan. Edward wouldn't be back. Even if he was, I knew we could never be as happy as we were before. There would always be something between us.

I screamed in frustration. Usually I was a nonviolent person, but I was overcome with pain and rage. I took the picture frame with his face in it, and smashed it to the ground.

I sat back on my bed, the rage slowly fading. When I realized what I had done, I frantically picked up the glass, tossing it into my trashcan. I threw the frame away too, since it probably wouldn't be of any use now. I gently picked up the photo of the most beautiful face in the world. I held it in my bleeding hands and curled back up on my bed. I stared at the photo and cried for the rest of the morning, trapped in a world of hopelessness.

Thanks for reading and reviewing! Just a little note: I have no idea how Bella loved Wuthering Heights! I tried to read it and got to page 7. Then I was so confused, I gave up! The words were too big lol