[a/n] okay to be safe and so I don't get crucified by ffnet this is an edited version of this chapter, slightly less horny. yes i interrupt the flow of the story to say 'this part was too horny for ffnet', and basically i just remove the end bit, but that's the deal i guess; ffnet is too anti-horny. i think i'm still pushing it tbh. to read the full horny go to the ao3 mirror of this story shirasekun - same title. thank.
Sephiroth had been thinking a lot about the history he had with Asher, six years of it now. Would they have ever met if not for a chance encounter in the slums? Asher had told him the story, he could not recall what compelled him to join the fray. If Asher hadn't, he would not have revealed himself to be a resourceful fighter and an apt materia user.
Even without Asher's help, Sephiroth would have likely survived the monster onslaught, only enduring some major pain along the way. But Sephiroth always remembered, or at least held a version in his mind of that first adrenaline-filled struggle. It was with Asher he first experienced mortality; the possibility of losing fights was inescapable. Afterwards, Sephiroth knew he had to keep Asher around.
He had never wished to care for anyone before, but seeing Asher nearly dead stirred something in him. The other men he knew fought for themselves, or out of a sense of duty to protect him, and Asher had no such association. Asher had actually nearly killed himself to save him. And Sephiroth, for the first time in his life, felt he had to do right by him.
They had formed a tenuous friendship immediately, out of hope that a true friend could eventually be found in the other, as long as trust endured. Sephiroth found that Asher appreciated him like no one else did, as a friend, a comrade. He rarely knew other infantry men to make a lasting impression, but Asher was always there, Sephiroth made sure of that as well. In his first true use of his command, he took on Asher as apprentice and lieutenant in all things.
Asher learned from him, and Sephiroth from he. Asher learned combat, command, sword work, discipline, and Sephiroth learned recreation, conversation, humor, intuition in return. Sephiroth felt safe asking Asher for help where anyone else may have balked at him, and Asher was able to confide in Sephiroth all his worries and hopes, things Sephiroth never had considered.
Asher becoming a SOLDIER seemed inevitable, Asher was able come much closer in speed and stamina, but always shined in the materia department. Green healing energy became a common feature of their training sessions to wipe away the cuts, breaks, bruises. He would go on to, during the war, become the personal medic to an appreciable fraction of the Shinra infantry, and to Sephiroth. He had certainly felt much calmer in Asher's hands than his father's.
But why? Was it simply the intimacy? Of course that was a factor. And Sephiroth cared a great deal about Asher's safety, of course, just as his lieutenant did in return. He always enjoyed Asher's company, whether in a professional environment, planning and managing, out on missions, slaying monsters and helping civilians, or in their apartment, in any of the domestic situations they found themselves in.
Maybe Sephiroth was overthinking it. Asher had certainly not failed to accuse him of such before. Ever since Sephiroth pointed out the lack of physicality in their relationship, they slept naked together. Asher, although exhausted, had explicitly declared his romantic and sexual attraction to him the night he had finished the Virtual System.
So what was missing? There were no more boundaries to cross, were there? But Sephiroth was again reminded of the one advance Sephiroth had made, so long ago. Was it different now? He was sure Asher would let him do anything he wanted, but Asher refused to initiate, whether out of a bizarre aversion to it or for fear of repulsing him.
Which was ridiculous, honestly. Asher was the person with whom he shared the deepest emotional connection. Sexuality was never something on his mind; unlike any other SOLDIER, he seemed to have no sex drive. Maybe that was the problem. They couldn't meet each other halfway because Sephiroth couldn't even take the first step. Even when he stopped taking his pills, the inhibiting chemical had apparently done its damage. The sexual autonomic responses had gone.
So Sephiroth went and did research. A lot of research, and went and talked to Genesis and Angeal and a few forums online. And some more of all of that just to be sure. A plan was beginning to form in his head, something very interesting. He made a few of Hojo's underlings make him something. Something he hoped would fix his problem.
He and Asher sat next to each other on the couch, watching a historical drama. Asher was pressed against his side, nuzzling into his chest. The presence comforted him, but nothing like it should be. The more he had become aware of how much physical contact truly meant like this, the angrier he had become at Hojo for taking it from him. But he was ready, he believed. Role play practice with Angeal and Genesis couldn't be all wrong, right?
Sephiroth had already snaked his hand around Asher's waist, pliant in his grip. Slowly, he moved the hand up his body, under the shirt, lightly brushing his fingers over the pectoral muscles, and the nipples there. If it were possible, Asher relaxed even more and let out a quiet sigh, his eyes closed. Asher's heart rate sped up quite a bit, but he offered no resistance. Gone was his focus on the television as he tipped his head back and groaned when Sephiroth worked the sensitive areas of the chest more intensely. Their eyes met closely.
"Asher."
"Don't stop."
"I don't want to hurt you." Asher seemed to resist rolling his eyes at that.
"Sephiroth, whatever has compelled you to do this, hold onto that feeling and never ever let go."
"I am sorry I have denied you this for so long." Asher shook his head.
"Never apologize. Don't. Understand?" Sephiroth nodded.
"May I try something?" Asher nodded enthusiastically.
"Sephiroth, try anything. Don't ask. Until I say 'red', you have my full, unabridged consent. I trust you. "Red" is the safeword." Sephiroth had learned about safe words before, but never imagined it would come up immediately. What Asher said filled his heart until it ached. He was almost paralyzed with fear of mistake until Asher reached up and kissed him. It only lasted about two seconds, but then Asher pulled away and SOLDIER-green eyes met.
"Stop worrying. Let yourself fail. Let go. I can take it." His eyes flashed and he took a deep breath in and out. Asher swung a leg over and began to straddle Sephiroth right there on the couch.
But Sephiroth stopped. Asher stopped and tilted his head. They continued to look at each other.
"Asher."
"Yes."
"I love you."
Asher blushed deeply, but never broke eye contact nor moved away.
"You've never said that to me, Seph. I love you, too."
"To be perfectly honest, I understood us to already have such an understanding. But I never considered the value in the words themselves, being said out loud."
Asher nodded and smiled. "Thank you so much, Seph."
"In spite of our compromising position, I would like to say something deeply personal." Asher once again nodded his approval. Sephiroth took a short breath before speaking.
"I have always considered you to be my closest friend; before I met you, I had no such conception of 'friend' as I understand it now. You changed that. Every new dimension of interpersonality I have begun to experience since then has been first realized between us. It has taken me a long time to recognize that I love you, properly. It had become the inescapable result of my rumination on the impact you've had on my life. Thank you for honoring our relationship and more all this time. I know I have been the furthest from a typical childhood friend that I could be, but I hope you feel similarly."
Asher started to tear up.
"Shiva, I've loved you from the moment you gave me a proper home: with you. I can't imagine being anywhere other than right here, Sephiroth."
Then the moment was over; and Asher embraced Sephiroth tightly. Slowly, he returned the hug.
"Asher, I must confess I learned about sexual contact from the internet. You've been with me my entire adolescent life, and I have never had any romantic or sexual partner, not even you. I also asked Genesis and Angeal for help."
"That's fine, Sephiroth. I had a few encounters with the Turk, Reno."
"Sexual encounters?"
"Relatively. I wouldn't have thought you would be offended using him as practice." Asher bore a rare guilty expression, diverting his gaze.
"It's alright," Sephiroth said gently. "You were deprived of sexual contact that I couldn't provide. As long as he didn't harm you."
Asher laugher, a soft little thing with breath through the nose. "No, I would've kicked his ass if he tried anything. Also, a several one-off stands, mainly in Wutai. They keep their mouths shut."
Sephiroth raised a brow. "Oh? I suppose that can be forgiven, too. We have never been 'together', as it were, so cheating could not, by definition, take place."
Asher's palm began to travel up Sephiroth's chest. "Are we lovers now, then?"
"If we agree so, I suppose we are."
Asher smiled. "Then we are. Officially."
Sephiroth smiled slightly. "Then I have something else to tell you. You are aware of the suppression of my sexual autonomic response?"
"Something like that."
"I can reverse it. I have a bottle of pills, I take four at a time. Inhibit the inhibitor. Only temporarily, for about 12-16 hour intervals. Enough for whole nights, I'll have a sex drive again."
Asher seemed to consider that.
"Sephiroth, are you sure about that? What's bothering you, really?"
Sephiroth tilted his head. "I thought that was obvious. How is it that you are both the horny one and the reasonable one?" Asher giggled.
"Never heard you say 'horny' before. And it's because I care about you. You wanting to medicate yourself like this is just a bit of a red flag to me. I don't want you to feel like you have to chemically induce these things."
"I want this. Beyond just for you. For me."
"Because you want to experience it with me?"
Sephiroth grit his teeth. "Asher, it might as well be with you, if anyone." Asher searched Sephiroth's face for a reason, any reason.
"This is about control. I'm an idiot." Asher sighed and sank back. "Sephiroth…"
Asher got off of Sephiroth, choosing instead to sit next to him on the couch.
"Asher, let me do this for you. For us." Sephiroth took Asher's hand in his own.
"Completed consummate love," Asher muttered. Sephiroth nodded.
"Yes, the missing element. Intimacy, commitment, passion. Those three form a complete relationship. The first two of which we have, but the third I cannot give you. I will not let you deny yourself this element of our relationship any longer. I regret being neglectful in-"
Asher covered Sephiroth's mouth and met his eyes. "Stop apologizing. You have nothing to be sorry for. End of discussion. You understand?"
Sephiroth nodded under his hand. "Okay. Now, we both know each other very well. Incredibly well. Now, you wouldn't have had this kind of problem unless someone hammered it in. Forget what they said. Forget what Hojo says. Really forget. As much as I am really horny for this and as much as you want to be horny for this, we shouldn't do this yet."
Sephiroth stared right into Asher's eyes, searching. "Why not?"
"You're doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. It's good, great, that you recognize that our relationship could improve in a way, and you want to make that better."
Sephiroth nodded. "Yes."
Ashed shook his head no.
"Hojo hurt you. Hurt you by taking something you've never known. You want to say 'Fuck him', and take it right back. Of course you love me, we both know that. But this isn't about that. This is about your need for control."
Sephiroth tilted his head. "How do you mean?"
"You feel the need for control, it's part of your 'natural leader' persona. Don't let that control you."
Sephiroth raised an eyebrow in response. "You feel the need to analyze everything. It's part of your 'natural advisor' persona."
Sephiroth started to chuckle slightly as Asher sighed, laying down on top of Sephiroth's torso.
"If I guess what you were about to say, Asher, my love, will you concede?"
"What was I about to say?" Asher mumbled into Sephiroth's chest.
"You were about to say how I can't trust some chemical that Hojo's subordinate made. That they likely told Hojo about my request and changed it to something else entirely."
"To be honest, I was thinking more about why you were doing those things than the specific implications of your actions."
"Hm. Well, if we are not to have sex tonight, can we at least talk about sex?"
"I've been waiting to talk about sex with you for a long time, Sephiroth. I've had to stare at your naked body all through adolescence."
"So I, turn you on, is that right?"
Asher presser his face deeper into Sephiroth's shoulder. "Yeah."
Sephiroth pet Asher's head. "Is it so embarrassing to admit?"
Asher pulled away suddenly and grinned. "No, it's just really funny to hear you say 'turn you on'."
the worst dirty talk joke i have ever written
Asher violently choked on laughter and had to get off of Seph's lap as he calmed down.
"Holy fuck Seph, where did that come from?"
"It is a popular usage within 'dirty talk', if my research is accurate."
Asher shook his head. "Alright, take everything you learned about dirty talk and chuck it into the garbage. It's so not you."
"What would you suggest?"
Asher cradled his throat and walked to the kitchen.
"Play up your strengths. Physicality, seduction, that kind of deadly warrior attitude you like to have." Asher grabbed a glass and filled it with water. "That same intensity of focus in battle." Asher took a long drink from the glass and made his way back to the couch.
"Verbal seduction is not what I think of when I think of Sephiroth, is the point."
"Should I attempt another avenue of attack, then?"
"I'd rather we wait until I take a proper look at the pills you got. Then we would both properly enjoy it."
Sephiroth shook his head. "That can wait. 'Red' is the safeword, correct?" Now that Sephiroth was making an effort to pay attention, he noticed Asher's cock jump in his pants. Good. Sephiroth began to switch the tone of his voice to his steely anger, but ever so slightly softer, so it couldn't take Asher out of it.
"I don't care if I don't feel anything, you are not leaving my side until you are panting from completion, is that understood?"
Asher's pupils had completely dilated as he stood there, frozen. Sephiroth had to stand up and whisper is his ear.
"Remember, 'red' is my safeword as well. And I order you to let go. Stop worrying and make love to me. That's an order-"
Asher cut Sephiroth by pressing their lips together., They stood there, kissing, trying to feel out what the other liked. Sephiroth couldn't figure out what he liked other than the intense contact, but Asher seemed to like a little bit of tongue. Asher moaned into the kiss and pressed harder, pushing his hands under Sephiroth's shirt.
Asher moved them to the couch and had them each remove their shirts. Asher sat for a moment and took it in, tracing a finger up and down.
"Sephiroth, I really fucking love your body."
"What about it?"
"Just the whole… everything. The aesthetics of it. I wish could feel me worshipping-"
Asher almost moaned the word as he cut himself off. Blinking, he blushed and turned away.
"Ah, uh sorry."
Sephiroth grabbed his partner's chin and forced their eyes to meet.
"Asher, I 'really fucking love' you when you are purely you, like this. Nothing could enthrall me more. Continue, and don't stop. Let nothing be taboo between us unless the other says so."
Asher nodded and went back to tracing every curve on Sephiroth, memorizing it with his hands like his eyes had memorized so long ago.
Sephiroth hand went for his own pants. "Shall I disrobe completely?" Asher could only nod silently in response.
Much like long ago, he knew the motions Asher liked. His partner sighed a little when Sephiroth removed his sweatpants and boxer briefs in one move. Sure, they slept naked together, but Asher had never ravished him like this before, at all. Even neutered, as it were, Sephiroth still felt a profound headiness unlike anything he had felt before, as if a primal instinct was struggling to break through.
big horny part for the rest of the chapter
" Detailed descriptions of physical interaction of sexual or violent nature is considered Fiction MA." - ffnet guidelines
(so basically they didn't actually have penetrative sex but like it was still sexually explicit in the way FFnet doesn't like most of the way through to the end like 1200 words or so)
(it was a good experience, yay)
(also some really bad humor)
(thanks for reading anyway, the full horny is on ao3 like i said)