Chapter Twenty-One: All I Have Ever Wanted
Sara,
As I sit here writing this letter to you, I wonder if I am doing the right thing. I wonder if I have wasted all my chances, hurt you too much, pushed you too far to ever be with you again. All I know for sure right now in the confusion that has fogged my mind, is that leaving you in San Francisco all those years ago was by far the worst decision of my life. One which I have never forgiven myself for - never stopped punishing myself for. I think, perhaps, that's why I have pushed you away over the years. Punishing myself meant not being with you, so if I pushed you away, forced myself to be without you, I was hurting myself, but in the end, I ended up hurting you, something that I never wanted to do.
Please believe me, I never wanted for you to be hurt. All I have ever wanted was for you to be happy.
For the last few months, we have been leading this charade, of rules, lies and consequence. I was lying to you and to myself each time I fell asleep with you in my arms, without telling you first how much I love you. I lied every time I'd pass you in the halls and act as if I don't feel a magnetic pull towards you. I lied every time I stood in a room with you, with my heart pounding, my hands trembling and my mind in overdrive and still forge forth with a stoic façade.
I knew that I was still in love with you when you came to Vegas, when for the first time in two years, I felt your presence before you entered the room. I always know when you're near me. The hairs on the back of my neck will rise, a chill will run down the length of my spine and somehow I just feel lighter. It never fails. Call it a "Spidey-Sense" or a "Sara-Sense" if you will, but never the less, it's there. I've never had that with anyone. Ever.
I love you Sara, with everything that I am. So much so, that it scares me sometimes, leading me to do stupid things – as I'm sure you're well aware.
Seven years ago, I fell in love, harder than I thought possible, with the most amazing, intelligent, beautiful woman I had ever set eyes on. You captured my heart and my soul in such a short time that it frightened me. But you were so young, so full of life, and me? Well, I wasn't. I was fearful that if I stayed, if I was selfish and let myself have you, love you, the way I wanted, forever, that I would end up hurting you in the long run. I thought that you would be better off without me, that as much as it might sting for a moment, you'd move on and find someone, someone young, to love and care for you. I was stupid then, and well, I'm not much better now.
I want to be the one that loves you. The only one. Forever. Or at least as long as you'll allow me.
Every time we have been together since orchestrating this crazy arrangement of ours, I wanted to tell you, to explain to you the why's, to tell you that I want more. I want more than just your body Sara. I want your heart, your soul, your mind. All of you. I always have. You're my equal in all things life. You're the only woman for me, the only person I want to fall asleep with, the only one I want to wake up next to.
I trust you Sara Sidle, with my life, my heart and my soul.
When I overheard your conversation, albeit hypothetically, with Greg, I was lost. Also, I'm sorry to have eavesdropped, but the thought of losing you for good felt like I had just been run over by bus. On the one hand, I felt like dying. Hearing you tell Greg that you wanted to move on, to give up on me, it made me realize how desperate I was to do something, to prove to you I needed you, and that, if given the chance, to love you forever. But there was the other part of me, the selfless part, that only wants you to be happy. And after having caused you so much pain, felt that perhaps this Mike Flynn, or someone else, could provide that for you. Nothing matters so long as you're happy.
I thought long and hard about what to do. Your distant, saddened voice this morning bidding me goodbye broke what was left of my heart and forced me to take action. Greg helped too, giving me the kick in the ass I needed. He's a good friend and cares very deeply for you. His words are what made me make a choice. He said to me, "The happiest I have ever seen Sara is when she's in a room with you and you notice that she's there."
I always notice, whether I show it or not, I notice.
I want you to be happy Sara. If I can be the one to give you that happiness, you would make me the luckiest man alive. But, if you have decided tonight that you are ready to move on, that want to be happy elsewhere, I will understand, and I will respect that. I put that choice in your hands. I want you to do what's best for Sara. You deserve the world and more, and I just want you to have that.
If you love someone, let them go, right?
I love you. And either way, whatever you decide, I will always be there for you, no matter what. I just felt that you deserved to know the truth no matter what your choice. I sincerely hope that I haven't caused you any more heartache.
Finally, I need to thank you. You have shown me what love is, what life is, what living is. You have taken a man and made him human. For that, I will be forever grateful to you.
I love you Sara Sidle.
Love Always,
Gil