The Man in Black
In which Happy Hogan, Head of Security of Stark Industries, drops by the Tower on official work-related business.
Harold Joseph Hogan, more commonly known as Happy, was a very stressed man. Some of the stress was partially due to his very unstable working environment, since any kind of relationship with the great Tony Stark tended to involve a lot of side baggage. Unfortunately for Happy, he had both a working relationship and friendship with the self proclaimed Iron Man which led to frequent, very stressful, conflict of interests. Nevertheless, the majority of the stress in Mr. Hogan's life was a result of the fact that, although he meant well, Happy took everything just a tad bit too serious. It was one of those quirky character flaws that he would never admit to himself, and everyone else just thought provided too much amusement for their own benefits to want to do anything about it.
When the Avengers were formed after the battle of New York, Happy's daily stress levels skyrocketed.
The Avengers Inc. were officially and legally a subsidiary division of Stark Industries. This move had been carried out by the CEO of Stark Industries, Pepper Potts, who wisely foresaw that giving the Avengers legal definition would prevent a lot of headaches in the future if questions ever came up concerning salaries, taxes, lawsuits, governmental supervision, etc. For Happy Hogan, this meant that as Head of Security of Stark Industries, the Avengers were technically - in his mental reasoning anyway - also under his jurisdiction.
Thus it was that a yellow New York City cab drove up to the Tower one day and deposited a scowling figure wearing a black suit and back sunglasses on the sidewalk.
"Unbelievable! I work as Tony's personal driver for years on end and when I finally get a promotion I have to take a dirty and poorly maintained cab whose driver is most likely highly under-qualified to properly drive a person of my status. Not to even mention his ridiculously overcharged rates."
Very much put out, he stalked towards the Tower. He was also peeved that he didn't know this area of New York well enough to know a good coffee shop to go to for his morning double espresso with a shot of cold skim milk. Happy Hogan was therefore both stressed and non-caffeinated when he set his first foot inside the Tower.
"Hey, hey, you there!" he called out to the first person he saw. "Where's your security badge? No authorized personnel are allowed on the Tower grounds and I don't see any authorization."
The unfortunate target looked a little flustered. "Umm, I'm just the mailman."
"Oh yeah? Really? I bet anybody could say that and just walk up and deliver a whole bunch of packages with bombs inside them. But you know, that's not going to happen on my watch. So I'm not going to ask again, where's your proof you're the real mailman."
The man didn't reply, just pointed to his dark navy jacket with the logo of the US postal service stitched in the top right corner.
"I suppose that'll do," Happy conceded grudgingly, although he fixed the man with a fierce glare from behind his sunglasses. "Any funny business and you'll regret it. I've got your boss on speed dial!" he called after the mailman who was hastily retreating back to his delivery van.
His next order of business was to terrorize the security room on the first floor. He insisted on going through all of the documents and digital files, then quizzing the entire security staff on a variety of protocols and procedures. He was not quite fully content with his findings and quickly dialled a number on his phone.
"Tony? Yes listen, there's a serious problem at the Tower here in New York. A few very huge holes in the standard security protocols that I've developed for Stark Industries."
What are you doing in New York?
"I'm doing my job, that's what Tony. Now are you listening? There's a large deficit in proper procedures for the protection of the Avengers?"
What? The Tower is equipped with one of the top security systems ever designed. And that's because I designed it.
"It's not the Tower that's the problem, it's the personal security for the Avengers. Who's to make sure they're properly protected when they're not here?"
There was a short pause on the other end. Then came Tony's voice, in a very exasperated and sarcastic tone. Happy, what makes you think the Avengers need protection? I'm fairly sure a super soldier, a god, a Hulk, and two master assassins are more than able to take care of themselves. I'm not even going to mention the time the Black Widow showed you up, Mr. Head of Security.
"That time doesn't count," Happy protested. "I was holding back."
I also have video coverage of that other time in Hammer's factory.
"What other time? I have no idea what you're talking about. I've gotta go now, I'm a busy man, you know." He slipped the phone back into his pocket. "Showed up, my ass," he muttered. He proceeded to write Find and delete video footage of Operation Hammer into his little notebook.
Following a final speech to the security guards - involving repeated mentions of the importance of security badges and proper authorizations - he straightened his suit jacket and put on his best no-nonsense look. "As Head of Security I will continue to conduct sporadic visits to ensure that all duties are carried out with due diligence," he finished and swept out of the room with all the contentment of a job well done.
Floor by floor sweep of the Tower was the next item on Happy's to-do list. He made sure to inspect every room and every closet on every floor to check that the layout on his phone was indeed accurate, and that there was a semblance of order now that most of the staff had settled in and business was running as usual. After the third floor he was slightly out of breath and so decided to use the elevator to move up a floor higher. His eyes widened as he saw the very, very long list of floors. Not to mention the rooftop terrace.
Fortunately there was a staff lounge room approximately every five floors - at least in the bottom half of the Tower where the administrative, security, maintenance and janitorial staff of the Tower had their offices. Happy's first break on the fifth floor consisted of a quick coffee and flipping through a celebrity gossip magazine while remaining standing. By the time he reached floor 25, he dropped exhausted onto a couch and set his phone alarm for a 20-minute power nap. When the alarm rang, he remained on the couch for another 45 minutes as he watched an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians. His personal favourite was Khloe.
He had finally had a sufficient break and was just about to keep going when his cellphone rang. The caller ID read BOSS.
"Hi Pepper. Look I know I'm your personal bodyguard but I had some serious business come up in New York that I absolutely had to look after personally. Besides, I assigned a team of highly trained personnel to look after you today."
Those idiots? I sent them all home because they kept getting in the way. What are you doing in New York?
"Why do you sound like Tony? And what do you mean, you sent them home? How am I supposed to do my job if you keep contradicting my orders. You can't keep undermining me like that, Pepper. It looks very bad and I lose a lot of respect."
Happy, you're very good at the Security part of your name, just not the Head of part.
"What's that supposed to mean?" One of the janitors entered the lounge and Happy scrambled off the couch and turned off the TV, dropping his phone in the process.
Happy? Pepper's voice floated up from the floor. What's going on?
Happy picked up the phone and adjusted his sunglasses. "Lack of respect for my privacy, that's what's going on," he muttered. He moved over to the corner of the lounge, trying to regain some dignity.
Happy, dear Happy. I don't know exactly what you're doing at the Tower, and to be honest I don't want to know, but I just had one of my former social media assistants who I personally gave the job as Head of Public Relations call me in tears because you deleted her Facebook account. And Twitter.
"Oh, well of course." The Head of Security brushed an invisible piece of dust off his black suit jacket. "That's a breach of privacy. Completely violates the workplace code of conduct."
It was her job. Pepper's frustration was evident. She had enough problems dealing with her boyfriend. She didn't have time for this. It's a PR stint. To make the Avengers more relatable, more down-to-earth and less superhero-y. You just deleted several thousand followers and a few weeks of hard work to counteract the bad press.
"Oh. Well why couldn't she just say so?"
Did you give her time to say anything or did you just barge in, yank the laptop out of her hands and override her security passes?
Happy looked over his shoulder. "Where you watching me? Do you have camera footage of that?"
Pepper snorted. No, I just know you. Well, you leave me no choice. As CEO of Stark Industries, and your boss, I hereby amend your job description to exempt the Avengers and their business, placing the Tower under the watchful protection of Jarvis.
"What? Pepper you can't just take this away from me!"
I'm not firing you, Happy. Just telling you to get your ass back to California and stay away from the Tower.
"Oh. You still shouldn't be undermining all my actions; it reduces my authority."
And how do you think it affects my authority if my Head of Security is running around and causing more chaos than a drunk Tony Stark?
Happy was highly affronted at that comparison. "That hurts, boss. Straight to the heart."
Tough love. Now are you coming back willingly or do I have to come and haul you out of there personally.
"I'm coming, I'm coming," Happy grumbled. "But my plane doesn't leave until early evening."
Fine. But stay out of everyone's way. If I get one more phone call, you're done.
"Yes, boss." Happy hung up the phone with a very disconsolate expression. "I never get any appreciation around here. I put in so much effort to do my job and it's always 'Happy this' and 'Happy that'. But do you think I would get so much as a 'Thank you' every now and then? No, of course not. I'm under appreciated, underpaid and frankly just plain disrespected by my boss. Is that any kind of working environment? I should quit. Maybe I'll just march in to Pepper's office and be like 'You know what boss, I'm done. I've had it and I quit.' I bet they'll all come running and crying to me in a few days and want me back. That's right, they'll soon realize how much I actually do around here. I mean Stark Industries would collapse without me."
Hey, you. Do you always talk this much to yourself?"
Happy whirled around. The white-haired janitor stood in the middle of the room, leaning against his cleaning cart and looking at him with a sardonic expression behind his black-rimmed glasses. His retirement date had probably been a few decades ago but that didn't seem to faze him.
"No, I mean yes. I mean what is it to you?" snapped Happy.
"Nothing at all. I really couldn't care less. But you're in my way so unless you want to get sucked up by my super-powered vacuum cleaner, designed by Tony Stark himself, I suggest you step it."
The janitor may have looked like an innocent old man, but he held his vacuum in his hands like he meant business and Happy wasn't going to argue with him. Instead he slipped on his shades and walked out.
"Don't forget to clean behind the couches! And under the sink! I'll be checking!"
"I know how to do my job, I've been doing it for longer than you've been alive. Just focus on your own work."
"Staff supervision is part of my job, grandpa," Happy grumbled as he stalked towards the elevators. As the doors closed in front of him, he realized belatedly that in fact supervision of the Tower staff was no longer belonged to his duties. He thus had a lot of spare time to kill, and told the elevator to take him to the commons. "I am an Avenger after all. Sort of anyway. At least honorary. Part-time. B-List. Whatever. I'm allowed into their lounge."
The elevator stopped on the appropriate floor, but the doors refused to open. Happy waited five seconds. "Hello?"
"I regret to inform you, Mr. Hogan, that you do not have clearance to enter the commons," JARVIS informed him.
"What! Are you kidding me? We'll see about that." Mildly irate now, Happy reached for his phone.
"Tony. Yeah it's me again. I don't care if I just woke you up, it's the middle of the afternoon anyway. So, can you explain to me why I don't have clearance for the commons. I'm the Head of Security of Stark Industries. I have clearance for everything."
Umm well no, actually you don't. And correct me if I'm wrong, but as far as I was aware, your title does not include the word 'Avenger'.
"Pepper's allowed in."
That's because she's the boss. Literally. Also my girlfriend.
"What about Nick Fury?"
Well he's not technically allowed in, but he has the bad habit of overriding my security protocols . . . so I've just let that pass. Besides he's also sort of the boss. Not of the Avengers, but just in general. He's like THE boss.
"That's not fair, Tony. I should be allowed in. So far my promotion has had zero perks. I still have to clean up after you, and drive you, and everything else. I deserve to be allowed into the commons."
Tony didn't immediately reply. There were a few undistinguishable noises in the background, and then the very clear sound of a flushing toilet.
"Are you in the bathroom?"
No, I'm on the balcony. Of course I'm in the bathroom! Where else would I put the toilet?
"I can't believe I'm having a serious discussion with you and you're just . . . actually never mind, I don't want to know. See this is what I'm talking about. Same old shit."
Not that old actually. Fairly recent in fact. Consider yourself lucky that I just did an audio call and not with video.
"Are you going to give me clearance or not, Tony?"
Fine. But only because you're annoying me and I want you to shut up. And just this once. Do not think this is going to be a regular occurrence, Mr. Not-A-Part-Of-The-Avengers.
JARVIS spoke up again in his smooth, computer-regulated voice. "Mr. Stark has granted clearance for Mr. Hogan to access the commons. Doors opening."
"Thank you Jarvis. Tony."
Don't break anything. Or embarrass yourself again. I have video cameras everywhere.
"GoodBYE, Tony." Happy hung up and looked around him with an intense feeling of satisfaction despite Tony's snarky words. He might not actually be an Avenger, but all things considering, he was pretty damn close. And standing in the middle of their lounge felt like a major accomplishment.
He enjoyed the view of downtown New York for a bit, made himself another coffee and a grilled-cheese sandwich, and then tried every single one of the couches and armchairs before plopping himself down into the most comfortable one.
"This is life," he murmured contently to himself before closing his eyes and promptly falling asleep.
Several hours later, Happy was rudely awakened from a very delightful dream in which he'd just been issued a sparkling, brand-new security badge with the title 'Avengers' in big, bold letters across the top. He blinked, opening his eyes to a darkened lounge and massaged his neck to loosen his stiff muscles. "What's going on?"
"That's what we'd very much like to know."
He blinked again. Standing before him, arms crossed and frowning severely, stood both his current and former boss.
"Your plane left a couple hours ago. Without you. Care to explain?" asked Pepper. She looked calm, but Happy knew from experience that that could be very deceiving.
Panic suddenly swept through Happy and he scrambled up in alarm. "What do you mean, the plane left? What time is it? What happened? Why are even you here? How are you here?"
"The plane had a schedule to keep. It's almost 9. You slept; and snored - very loudly. We're just checking up on you. I do have a private quinjet as you probably know," Tony deadpanned. He was wearing his dark red tinted glasses so it was hard to tell what his actual mood was.
There was a long awkward silence. Happy didn't really know how to respond, and so elected to not say anything. He supposed it would have been even more embarrassing if one of the other Avengers had come across him fast asleep in their lounge. Finally Pepper uncrossed her arms.
Come on, it's getting late and I have an early morning meeting tomorrow in Los Angeles." She and Tony turned around together and walked towards the elevator.
Happy was a frozen for a moment, and then hurried to catch up after them. "That's it?" he asked hesitantly. He had feared a demotion or something along those lines.
Tony turned around with a smirk. One of those very dangerous smirks that indicated nothing good. "I think you've been punished enough, Mr. Head of Security."
It wasn't until the next day that Happy realized the meaning behind those words. Everyone he met kept smirking or stifling a laugh as soon as they caught sight of them, their glances always returning to his badge. Taking a look at the plastic piece of identification proudly fastened to his jacket in clear visibility, Happy's eyes grew wide with horror. Beneath the title 'Head of Security' and the Stark Industries logo was a newly updated picture of a very peaceful looking Happy in his usual black suit and glasses, fast asleep in a comfortable armchair, mouth slightly open as if in the middle of a deep snore.
"Damn you, Tony Stark."
A/N: I never really realized how utterly hilarious Happy actually is until I recently watched a YouTube compilation of some of his best scenes. Which inspired me to write this. Also, did you know there's no 'Happy Hogan' character selection on this site. Unbelievable. That guy deserves more.