A/n: Tumblr prompt: can we get some angsty drarry?
Warnings: Angst.
The floor was spinning, everything was spinning as Draco got to his feet trying to right his footing, he grabbed his bed feeling his stomach give a lurch. "Woah, woah, calm down honey." A voice called from somewhere in the room and Draco grabbed at the footboard of the bed.
Harry?
All he could see was dark hair. "Lay down, you need to sleep, Drake."
Harry. The man sighed out and grabbed the hand that was helping, trying to form words but all that came out was a quiet whimper. Don't leave me, Harry.
"Drake?" Harry called when he heard him on the first floor, peeking from around the corner.
"Harry?" Draco breathed out quietly staring at the other. He had his hair pulled up in a high bun, the underside as always shaved, and something different than usual he had a little scruff on his cheeks.
"Hey, no Ted tonight. He's with 'Dromeda." Harry was saying, nodding towards the kitchen and Draco followed quietly, "figured it was best for the conversation anyway."
"Yeah," Draco cleared his throat and noticed Harry had cooked, or at least pretended he did. He knew the man didn't cook often but laid out on the plates were an entree for them.
"Hungry? I got wine too."
Harry doesn't drink. This is odd. Not how Draco imaged the break up would go, "uh...?"
"It's your favorite." Harry said and turned around, holding out a glass to the blonde, "I'm sorry."
"No." Draco whispered shaking his head, "you don't have to apologize." It had been a week, maybe longer? Draco couldn't remember exactly anymore, he didn't even know what day it was. "It's uh... I'll just grab my stuff and get out of the way. We don't have to do this, this way."
Harry frowned and sat the wine down, "Drake, no I mean... I'm sorry. I was acting like an arse, I didn't mean any of it."
"What?"
"I know, you have every right to be mad but please just let me make this up to you? Please?" Make it up to me? Draco stared at Harry in shock, oh no... Harry was grabbing Draco and pulling him close, "you know I'm a right arse during tough weeks and I took it out on you instead of work and I'm sorry."
"Potter," Draco whispered stepping back, admittedly he hadn't showered in a few days and he felt like he spent most of it drowned in booze. If only he could remember. He was sure he smelled worse than he looked but more than that how could he stand there in their house, in Harry's arms after... everything?
"I'm sorry Draco, please give me a chance."
"Stop."
"Okay," Harry dropped his arms and swallowed roughly, "I just... I love you so much Draco, just please give me a chance? Again?"
"It's been three years, Harry... I don't think it's called a chance after that." Draco muttered, "you told me I don't make you happy. Anymore. I don't understand?"
"It was premature. I don't want to do this without you, I need you baby."
"Harry, look," Draco shook his head, tears falling as everything set in around him.
Harry stepped closer, "oh don't cry, baby, I'm so sorry."
"Stop apologizing!" Draco yelled stepping back with his hands out in front of them, "just stop! You're supposed to hate me and be done with me and... y-you said to leave, Harry. I left because you made me!"
Harry blinked, watching Draco deteriorate right in front of him. The blonde was grabbing the wall for support, he was shaking, his face was red with tears.
"I... oh Merlin." He cried, shaking his head, "why did I...? I shouldn't have left." Harry wasn't sure what to say, he watched Draco grabbing at his chest, he watched him as he struggled to breathe his whole body heaving with each struggle, "oh no, Potter. You-oh my god-you're so fucking perfect and I..." the words were jumbled and coming out in broken patterns while he clutched at his chest, as he dropped to his knees with the panic attack.
Draco was seeing his whole life be broken apart again, the second time in two weeks.
"Baby what's wrong?" Harry got down on his knees next to Draco, "just breathe. Take it slow," he begged quietly, "come on Draco. Focus." Harry held his face, giving him a small smile, "in and out, just breathe baby. Right here."
And Draco did, shutting his eyes and taking the deep breaths in and out as Harry said, he grasped his wrist and held tight to the man, the words were coming out before he could even think, "I was drunk. I was... I don't think I've been sober since I left."
"I'm sorry," Harry ran his hands through his hair, soothing him.
"I slept with someone else. I think? I don't know. I can't remember. I was... somewhere, and we were drinking, maybe, and I don't even know what today is." Draco cried, the words slipping out as he tried to calm himself, "I..I think I did? I just hate myself. I shouldn't have left, I should have stayed and made a scene or whatever." Draco's eyes were tightly shut, he was trying to remember as he grabbed at Harry. "I can't remember the night it happened anymore, it's all so blurry. The last few weeks... I don't... I don't even know?"
Harry frowned to himself and wiped the tears away, letting out a slow and quiet breath, "Draco. You did make a scene. We had a fight..." He said quietly, "I made you leave, locked you out and put up wards."
"What did I do?" Draco finally opened his eyes, searching for Harry's. "What did I do to you, Harry?"
"Nothing." Harry sat back on the ground, "but, you... think you slept with someone else?"
"I think I did? I can't remember the thought of cheating keeps popping up..."
Harry blew out a breath, watching Draco closely, "I am so sorry."
"It's not your fault." Draco said immediately shaking his head, "I don't handle change well."
"I remember." Harry whispered, "when?"
"I don't even know what today is? Maybe the other night? I don't know..." Draco looked down at his hand at the note he was clutching and had been all day, "I woke up to this. That's all I remember."
The brunette stared, "fuck."
"I need you, Harry, I can't do this without you." Draco looked away, "but you don't deserve all of this shit, me an-and my shit."
Harry watched as he got up, before getting to his own feet, "what are you doing?"
"I should go... I'll just uhm, get my stuff later?"
"No, don't..." Harry took a slow breath and grabbed him, "you don't have to go, I want to talk? I want to figure this out Draco."
"I can't even look at you right now," Draco muttered, sagging into his arm, "I am so disgusted with myself."
"Stop, we just..." Harry sighed, "it's just a bump in the road and we need to figure it out. Is all, right?"
Draco shook his head, finally giving Harry a proper look, "I am so sorry, Harry, but I can't do this right now. You don't want this, I don't make you happy - I remember that. I remember you saying that. I can't force you into this just because I'm a mess."
"I love you Draco."
"Oh, Harry, I love you. So much it hurts sometimes but I fucked up."
"I..." Harry swallowed roughly, shutting his eyes, "it was a misunderstanding. I kicked you out, I told you I hated you and you fought hard to stay. I know you don't remember it but I do. This is us, Draco, we'll figure it out."
"And what if you never get over it? What if I never get over it?"
"Then we will cross that bridge when we get to it. Please, just stay. We'll be fine, baby, please."
Draco studied him a moment longer, "you're going to feel differently in the morning. I know you, Harry, better than you know you. You just feel guilty. Tomorrow when you wake up you're going to realize how hurt you are and I don't blame you, so let me just go and we can talk another time if you really want to."
"I'm serious Draco. It's a misunderstanding."
Malfoy frowned and stepped out of reach, "I'll be at the same hotel."
"Don't leave, Draco. Listen to me, we'll be fine!"
"I'm not fine right now, Harry, just stop."
Harry sighed, following Draco down the stairs and when he opened the door he took his hand holding it, "promise me you won't drink tonight? Get a clear head and shower and I'll be there in the morning to prove to you I mean it - okay? Promise me?"
Draco swallowed audibly and met his look, "and when I'm right will you still be there?"
"I'll be there in the morning no matter what."
The blonde nodded and squeezed Harry's hand, "I won't drink tonight."
Harry was there bright and early, just like he said he would be. He stopped at the desk, got the room number though he really should have guessed. It was their room, after all, where else would Draco stay? And he headed up. He hadn't slept last night at all but soon found Draco had and maybe it was the first time during the whole damn misunderstanding he had really slept.
Harry let himself into the room after knocking on the door for at least ten minutes and found the blonde was laying on the bed fast asleep. He looked around the messy room, knowing Draco he hadn't allowed housekeeping in to clean at all so he took it upon himself with a few quick spells to get everything in order. He had plans to get Draco home today.
Harry hadn't found a single bottle of alcohol, thinking that was rather strange considering Draco claimed to have been in such a drunken state the last two weeks. It... it couldn't be...?
Harry had a lot to say, to make up for but he still wanted Draco home. He needed him home. Draco was his life, plain and simple and he knew they could figure it out together. Something told him that Draco was far more lost than he was, though, and his lapse in judgment was going to bother Draco far more than it had him.
Harry didn't really see that he had a right to be mad at Draco at all, it had been his choice to attack the man. It had been his choice to make him leave, it had been his choice to call things off, it had been his choice to... Well, it was all Harry's choices. And Harry had every intention of sticking to it, he really had. He hadn't been happy lately and instead of wanting to fix the things with himself he wanted to blame Draco. So he did and when Draco was taken to the hospital, after the long drawn out fight it was then that Harry realized just what was making his life sad and it wasn't Draco.
It was himself.
He figured most people went through something similar to it in their life, at least once. He didn't realize his time would destroy the man he loved most in the process and for him to want to just put everything back in order right away? Harry was a selfish man, always had been and always would be.
He sat on the edge of the bed once the room was cleaned up and pushed his hands through Draco's long, soft hair, "baby, wake up."
Draco opened his eyes, meeting Harry's eyes and jumped back, "oh, shit!"
"Shh," Harry chuckled quietly and reached out grabbing the man, holding him as he laid on the bed, "lay back down?" Draco did as asked and settled into Harry's arms, "did you sleep well?"
"I don't know, I didn't fall asleep until late," Draco answered, "how long were you waiting?"
"Not too long, I cleaned your room," Harry explained, "it was a mess."
"Oh sorry."
"Stop apologizing, it's fine." Harry shook his head and drug his fingers through Draco's long, white-blonde hair, "I love you and I don't doubt that you love me."
"Of course I do," Draco said immediately, looking up at Harry, "always, Potter."
"I know, that's what makes me an idiot."
"What?"
"How could I blame you for me not being happy?"
Draco lifted a shoulder, "pretty easily I would say. I'm a shit boyfriend, I'm not very good at expressing things and I get upset over small things and I ignore you more than I try to work through disagreements and we haven't done anything together in months. I could see very easily how you could blame me for not making you happy."
"What does that say about me then, Dray?"
Draco closed his eyes, "you don't even realize how amazing you are Harry."
"You don't either, Draco." Harry turned to look at him properly, cupping his chin and leaning forward kissing him softly. "Will you come home? I miss you, and Ted misses you."
"Harry... I uh-."
"I know, and I attacked you. Literally attacked you, I hurt you so bad that you had to go to St. Mungo's." Harry frowned deeply, he didn't want to say it and maybe that was why he didn't hate Draco for (maybe) sleeping with someone else, maybe that was why he wasn't getting so bent out of shape from Draco (possibly) being with someone else. That and the fact, Harry had... Well, neither were innocent here.
Draco looked at him as he said it, his eyes growing wide, "you hurt me?"
"I didn't mean to, it happened so fast." Harry worried his bottom lip and looked away, "I'm sorry Draco."
Draco was at a loss for words, he couldn't imagine Harry hurting him but here he just said he did, "what happened?"
"We were fighting and I told you to leave," Harry said quietly, "but you wouldn't. You just kept saying, 'no'... You were cleaning the kitchen actually, and it was just us arguing and yelling at each other and then it happened." Harry ran his fingers over Draco's cheek, "I hit you with a stunner and you fell down the stairs."
"I..." Draco furrowed his eyebrows, "uh, what?" He was pissed and he wanted to be understanding but what? Harry did what to him? He had lost a good five days of his life and he thought it was due to him drinking, he wasn't even sure he had slept with someone all he knew was that he woke up in a room with someone one morning and he was sick, he thought it was a drunken mistake and now he wasn't sure. And the last six days were blurry, things kept slipping from his mind, from his thoughts. Had he even been drinking as much as he thought or was it just the aftereffect of the wound? Had he even been drinking at all? "How long was I there?"
"I don't know for sure, we would have to ask Pansy." Harry whispered, holding Draco tightly, "I should have been there but I wasn't."
"Oh," Draco said quietly, not meeting Harry's eyes, "Pansy." He tried to focus on the blurry memory, the one that he was sure was him with another person. He had gotten sick, but he couldn't talk he could only see the dark hair. And the distorted voice, it had sounded fuzzy and distant, you need to sleep, Drake.
Harry held Draco tightly in his arms, rubbing his back, "I'm so sorry Draco, please forgive me. Please come home?"
Draco was crying which Harry took as happiness and gave him a small smile kissing his cheeks, but it wasn't. It was fear. Draco was crying because he was scared, he was scared of what happened. He was scared he had lost so much of his memory, he was scared he didn't know what to make of it all, Draco was terrified of Harry Potter he realized as the man kissed him. He was terrified.
When they got home Harry floo'd to Dromeda's to get Teddy while Draco went to put his clothes away. Finally, alone he took a moment to let their strange morning sink in, it was all so odd. Harry had a temper sure, but it hadn't ever resulted in the man attacking him and Draco wanted to write it off as a fluke accident but the fact Harry had hidden it from him and on top of that he couldn't remember anything he didn't know for sure.
He was almost 100 percent certain he hadn't slept with anyone, he figured it was Pansy now that he knew. Her dark hair and her distorted voice he had heard, Draco didn't imagine he had it in him to sleep with someone else and now he felt almost certain he hadn't.
Draco wasn't that person, he never had been and he didn't think it would have started just because Harry had made him leave. His heart hurt at the feeling, he loved Harry Potter more than anything in the world but it didn't change the fact a part of him was concerned. A part of him was actually terrified.
"Dray!" He heard Teddy yell and put on a smile, heading down the hallway to the boy, scooping him in his arms as soon as they saw each other. "Dray's back!"
"Hi baby," Draco whispered and held him tightly, curling him in his arms and nuzzling him. When Teddy leaned back he had bright blonde hair and a wide smile, "look at that hair." He teased, "did you have a good night with Grandma?"
"Yes," Teddy giggled, and pushed back to get down, "I'm hungry!" The 4-year-old demanded once he got down and ran into the kitchen, Draco got to his feet with a smile following after him.
The whole night had involved Teddy and Draco together, they played and cooked and when it was bedtime Draco had laid with him and read him story after story until finally he fell asleep and Draco was free to step out to go find Harry.
Harry was writing his letter for a vacation that he would be sending first thing in the morning when Draco found him in the study. He had admittedly thought about it all day, how could he not? It was in the back of his mind the whole day. He stood in the doorway eyeing Harry as he wrote, "tired?" Harry asked glancing over.
"A little," Draco gave a small smile that didn't quite meet his eyes, "uhm... I was wondering, Potter, if I could ask you something?"
"Yeah?"
"Out of everything in the world Harry that you could have done why did you attack me?"
The words were quiet as Draco asked, they came out in a rush and Harry was shocked they were said. He dropped his pen and looked up at Draco, swallowing the lump in his throat.
"I don't know, Draco," Harry said honestly, "it didn't feel like me. I... when I think back to it I just can't even wrap my head around it, honestly, I feel like it was someone else."
"But it wasn't."
"You're right, it was me." Harry turned in his chair and looked at Draco, "I'm so sorry."
"I know, I don't doubt you aren't Potter. I can see it every time you look at me it's there in your eyes."
Harry got up and walked towards him, reaching for his hands, "please, Draco, give me a chance to prove I am? That I am truly sorry, nothing like that will ever happen again. I promise."
Draco looked down at their hands, "I'm just trying to understand because I can't remember. I don't have the memory," he whispered, "and I think it was Pansy that I woke to that day. I don't think I... I don't think I was with anyone else, I just want to understand why it keeps popping up in my mind.."
Harry blinked quickly, studying Draco for a moment, "o-oh?"
Draco dropped his hands and let out a slow breath, "I'm tired, I think I'm going to go to bed."
"Okay, I'll be in soon just want to finish this letter to work."
Draco nodded, "I think I'm going to sleep in Teddy's room, Potter." He said quietly, "so I'll see you in the morning."
Harry stared after him, "right, yeah, he missed you a lot." Draco nodded letting Harry have that moment and turned to leave, "Draco, I love you so much." The blonde paused at the door, hesitating a moment before he left the room.
"I can't believe you are here!" Pansy said in a hushed voice, her eyes wide as she stared at Draco, leaning towards him on the front porch. Draco had taken Teddy to a movie and when he got back he found Ron, Hermione, Blaise and Pansy in the house. Apparently, Harry decided to throw an impromptu dinner party. Draco hadn't even made it through the front door when Pansy jerked Teddy from his arms and put him inside while shutting herself and Draco outside, "are you fucking stupid?!"
"Pansy calm down. We're working through things."
"Working through things?!" She didn't try to lower her voice anymore, she was pissed and she couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Draco Malfoy he fucking threw you down a flight of stairs because you told him you weren't leaving your house!"
Draco stared at his friend, jumping when the front door opened to Hermione, the other three staring out at the two of them.
"Guys, Teddy is here." Hermione said quietly, joining them, "maybe tone it down?"
"Sorry," Draco whispered and gave Pansy a look as Hermione pulled the door shut and stood with them, "I appreciate the concern, Pans, but it's okay."
"You still don't have your memory Draco. It's not okay."
"You still don't have your memory?" Hermione whispered, her hand covering her mouth, "Draco what's going on?"
He sighed, "I don't know, I can't remember. I am starting to not have trouble, now... things will be fine soon."
"Starting?" Hermione's eyes were wide as she studied him.
"Yeah, exactly!" Pansy threw her hands up, "he's a shit person, Draco. I told you this three years ago and I fucking meant it."
Hermione was growing uncomfortable, just as uncomfortable as Draco was, "are you okay?" She asked him when he stayed quiet.
"I've been home three days now," he started, "things are fine. Teddy and I are sleeping together, for now, which the boy loves." He smiled softly, "and I do too. I missed him a lot."
"Of course." Hermione gave a short smile, "I mean the other stuff?"
"We're doing okay, as good as we can." He decided on, "Potter's been understanding."
"He's been understanding?!" Pansy lost her cool again, and didn't have any indication she was getting it back, "you have to be fucking kidding me! That piece of trash in there is being understanding? He hurt you Draco! Is this the first time? Has he done this before?"
"No, no. Nothing like that!" Draco said hurriedly and grabbed for her as she threw the door open, "Pansy, stop." He grabbed her wrist, "Teddy." He had a warning tone in his voice as he said it, enough of one to make her falter as she glared at the man at the top of the stairs. She scanned the area and saw no sign of Teddy or Ron and marched up the stairs after shaking Draco's hold.
"Potter if you ever even look at him wrong again, I will be the last thing you see." She snarled, "he is worth more than you ever will be, he deserves more than you can ever give him." Harry blinked, watching as she turned around giving Blaise a pointed look. He glanced up at Harry then back at Pansy and the two left giving Draco a quick kiss and hug.
Harry swallowed roughly, looking at Draco who was red-faced and quiet, then Hermione who was frowning and had her arm around the blonde's shoulders before she stepped out of the way and went to search for Ron and Teddy. "Sorry," Harry said quietly, "I uh... I just thought you'd enjoy having everyone over." He sunk down to sit on the top step as Draco shut the front door.
"I did, or do, Pansy is just dramatic."
"And right." Harry looked up at Draco giving his bangs a ruffle over to the left and showing off the undercut of his alright side. Draco reached out and trailed his thumb along the short, buzzed hair and then down his jawline feeling the short beard. "I wish I could just go back."
"It'll be okay, we'll be okay."
"You don't even like to be alone with me." Draco tensed, dropping his hand, "I've noticed. I'm not blind."
"What did I say..that night?"
"Draco I don't want to do this right now." He frowned and nodded, sitting next to Harry on the top step, who sighed softly, "you told me you weren't going anywhere because you loved me no matter what." Draco looked at Harry in shock and written all over his face was the question he didn't want to ask, and that made you hex me?! Harry stared back, his eyes shifting from Draco's to his lips, "I haven't felt like you loved me in a while." He said quietly, "I thought you were just saying it, that you were just... I don't know, trying to find a reason for me to change my mind. I wasn't thinking clearly."
"What happened, why weren't you thinking clearly? What aren't you telling me?"
Harry swallowed the lump in his throat, his eyes shutting and he turned away, catching his head in his hands as a sob racked through him, "I just... Draco... I am so sorry."
Draco rubbed his back and pulled him into his arms, "you can tell me anything."
"Yeah, that's what you said that night."
The blonde chuckled quietly despite the situation they were in, "I must mean it."
"Oh Merlin you do," Harry whispered, "because I told you... I uh, we're going to be having a child and you still wanted to stay."
"A child?" Draco pulled back dropping his arms, "a... what?" He didn't remember adopting as a conversation and for a moment a huge part of him worried that he was losing more of his memories than he realized. But he could still remember up to that night, that couldn't be it. "You mean... y-you..?"
"Yeah."
"Harry..." Draco whispered his name and the moment he did it was like being hit by a truck. Memories came rushing back, Harry sitting on the couch next to him after dinner telling him, and Draco staring in silence before he got up and went to clean the kitchen.
"Say something?"
Draco didn't know what to say. He was at a loss, so instead, he just shook his head and looked away, "when?"
"A few months ago. It was one night."
"Who?"
"My assistant."
"Is that why you fired her?"
"Yes."
And as much as Draco wanted to get up and leave, he didn't. He stayed put. He stayed right next to Harry, who was watching him closely. It was quiet for a long time, the only sound was Teddy's laughter drifting from the other room, and Hermione singing to the giggling four-year-old.
"7 months more and you'll have a child?" Draco finally said.
"She wants nothing to do with them, other than birthing. She is working on the papers for the full adoption."
"Teddy won't like that."
"He'll get used to it," Harry answered, jumping when Draco took his hand.
"You wanted me to leave, Potter. You didn't want me for this?" Draco said and brought Harry's hand to his lips. His voice was distant as he talked, he was staring at the door as he asked as if he was picturing it the way Harry had turned to him and shot a stunner at him, the way he had stumbled backward, the way he had screamed and reached for Harry who just stared as he went tumbling down the stairs.
Harry who hadn't taken him to the hospital, Harry who hadn't been there when he woke up, Harry who didn't want him.
"No, I do want you." Harry said quietly, "I didn't think I did but I do. I can't do this without you and I know I have a lot to makeup but I will. Every day of forever, just please don't leave me. I was a bloody fool."
"I... I can get around the cheating, the child. I could work through it, I would figure it out. But Harry you said you hated me. You wanted me to leave so bad you attacked me."
"No, I wasn't thinking straight! It was stress and fear and shock and I just let my anger get the best of me." Harry gripped Draco's hand tightly, "please let me show you I mean this, let us work this out."
Draco looked down at their hands seeing Harry's dark skin wrap around his tightly, he was shaking as he grabbed at him. The tears were falling down his cheek and Draco just looked at him. He couldn't feel it, he tried but he felt nothing. He didn't feel the pain, he didn't feel the anger or the hurt or the way Harry was gripping his hand - he felt absolutely nothing.
Nothing.
He was completely empty, Draco was completely broken. He pulled his hand back from Harry's grasp and gave a small sigh as an answer, flexing his fingers slightly. They hadn't even talked about children, they had Teddy and that was more than enough for them. They had each other and all their problems. Like the fact they hadn't really sat down and talked until all this happened in almost two months and the fact they hadn't spent time alone together longer than that, Draco couldn't remember the last time the two of them did anything that didn't involve Harry's job or Teddy.
They planned their schedule, without consulting each other, around the other's based on what was pinned up on the calendar. Draco spent more time corresponding with Harry's assistants - who he had been fucking? Then he did talking with Harry, hell then he did looking at Harry.
Harry watched nervously when Draco shifted to his feet, "I don't really feel like cooking, we should go out. I'll get Teddy and them."
Harry reached out for him, hurrying to his feet, "Draco. Wait, talk to me, please?"
"Don't touch me, Potter," he said dodging his hand and tensing slightly with a headshake, "you've picked your career over me since we've been together, you've picked your career over Teddy since we've had him, you picked someone you work with over me - over this family and now you're trying to bring a newborn into this?" Draco took in a shaky breath, "how do you think that's going to work?"
"We'll figure it out."
"I'll tell you," Draco answered, "you'll learn how to come home, you'll learn how to be here every night and kiss Teddy to sleep and then that child you're bringing here to sleep. You'll learn how to be a better parental figure, and you'll do it. You'll learn how to stop being so absolutely selfish and you'll be a better bloody person, Potter, because if you don't... You'll have to learn how to do this all alone because I'm not ever going to get hurt by you again Harry Potter."
Harry stared as he said it, his eyes wide and unblinking behind his glasses.
"You aren't worth another heartbreak."
Draco stared back, his lips in a tight line and swallowed roughly.
"I'll make this up to you, Draco, please believe me. Please let me." Harry whispered reaching for Draco with a timid hand, Draco stepped out of reach and turned around walking into the front room.