Disclaimer: I don't own any part of FSOG. They all belong to E.L. James.
Chapter 21 - APOV
Somewhere in the distance I hear Christian's alarm clock, but before the sound actually wakes me it's already gone. I crawl closer to Christian to enjoy his warmth and succumb back to sleep.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I'm late! I don't do late". I turn around to where the sound is coming from and see Christian's bare ass disappear into the bathroom.
I quickly jump out of bed, throw on some clothes, tie my hair in a ponytail and walk to the kitchen.
"Good morning" I murmur. I don't know what it is and I find it irritating as hell, but my morning mood even prevents me to act normal.
There is progress though…normally I wouldn't even speak before I had a cup of coffee and a moment to myself. Except if Christian….
"Good morning Ana." I briefly look at Gail and it seems as if she wants to say more but holds back. Thank God!
Poor Gail, my face expression probably isn't very inviting to start a friendly chat.
I walk directly to the coffee machine and prepare a cup of coffee for Christian and one for myself and walk back to the bedroom.
At the same time Christian enters the bedroom with only a towel around his waist. He hasn't dried himself properly as I see a few drops of water on his broad chest.
Without saying a word I place his cup of coffee on the chest of drawers and take a seat in one of the chairs in the room.
In the meantime Christian is running back and forth and mumbling to himself "….Christ, I'm never late". Again a moment later "I should have been there thirty minutes ago."
Geez, he is so exaggerated. It's not as if his boss is going to be mad at him! Okay, there are probably a lot of people waiting for him, but it's not the end of the world right?
I look back just in time to see Christian putting on his boxers. With every move he makes I see his muscles moving on his back. He. Is. Perfect.
"I know you are watching Ana".
"And what do you want to do about that?" I say.
Suddenly he is standing behind me, his mouth nibbling at my earlobe. "Meet me at GEH for lunch and I will show you". He licks my earlobe and continues dressing.
After Christian leaves for GEH, I take my time in the shower. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't dread going outside. There is no trace of Josh Evers. I know that Christian's team is doing everything they can do to find him. Where does someone hide without any money or a place to stay?
Despite the fact that I'm standing under the hot shower a shiver runs down my spine. What is he up to? How does he want to ruin my life? I turn off the shower and push the thoughts away. I dry of quickly and comb my hair in a high ponytail. Since it is nice weather outside I choose a white dress and high heels. I know Christian will love it.
I throw another look in the mirror and walk to the living room where Sawyer is patiently waiting. He will first take me to the hospital to see Melissa and then he will drive me to GEH.
In the hospital I find Melissa in bed playing with the IPad she got from Christian. When she told him that she loved the Disney Princesses he made sure to download al the Disney movies on it.
Thankfully the medication is catching on and she is looking much better, than when she first was admitted. Still, they want to keep her here until her lungs are completely healed and the situation at the foster home has improved.
"Good morning Melissa" I say and I'm me with sad eyes.
"Hey, why the sad face? Are you in pain?" I say while I sit down on the edge of her bed.
While the tears are streaming down her face she tells me that she was watching Cinderella and remembered her mother.
"I remember that my parents went to a party and my mommy was wearing a beautiful dress…just like Cinderella".
I feel her pain. I know how it is to lose someone abruptly, the pain is indescribable. A scent, a photo or a simple song can bring back a memory. And it doesn't matter how beautiful that memory is, it hurts. And sure the hurt fades with time, but still…Melissa is a little girl who lost both of her parents. She doesn't have any control of her life whatsoever. She gets placed in a foster home, gets sick and is hospitalized with little to no visitors.
Since there are no words to comfort her, I just lay next to her and we watch the movie together. In the meanwhile I try to think of something to take her mind of the hurt of missing her parents. I do have some ideas but before I say something I want to be sure that it isn't going to be a problem.
I say goodbye to Melissa and promise to come back soon and decide to stop at Grace's office before heading to GEH to meet Christian for lunch…or whatever he has planned.
The nurse sitting outside Grace's office tells me that Grace is doing her rounds. I decide not to disturb her. I will share my idea with Mia first, but seen her enthusiasm I'm sure that she is going to love the idea.
Back in the SUV on my way to Christian I call Mia. Since she doesn't pick up the phone I leave her a message.
"Hi Mia, it's me Ana. Look I was just visiting Melissa in the hospital and she was feeling a bit down. I thought that it might be fun to organize a mini-fashion-show for her in the hospital. Why don't you join Christian and me for dinner tonight at Escala? I'm sure you can come up with great ideas. Okay, let me know!"
The moment I step out of the elevator on Christian's floor with Sawyer on my heels, I hear him screaming.
"…Who the fuck do you think you are by not telling me that there where major problems with the Darfur shipment! Five minutes! Five fucking minutes and I want a thorough report on my desk! Now get the fuck out!"
I look over at Andrea and see that she doesn't seem the least bit impressed at Christian's eruption. Olivia on the other hand, looks as if she wants to crawl under her desk and never come out from under it. If she weren't so terribly annoying and didn't look at Christian as if he is a piece of meat, I would feel sorry for her.
Christian's office door flies open and a middle-aged man walks out. Relief written all over his face, probably because he was able to walk out of there with a job. He has taken of his jacket and that was a big mistake. The sweat stains on his chest, underarms and back are clearly visible. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought that he just ran a marathon. Ugh, that's gross.
"Olivia!" Christian's booming voice comes out of his office. She quickly takes a pen and a notepad from her desk and hurries off and closes the door.
Sawyer, Andrea and myself are looking at the closed door. It's remarkably quiet…to quiet.
After five minutes the door flies open for the second time and out walks a terribly pale looking Olivia with the tears flowing down her face. Nope. Still no pity.
She is immediately followed by Christian. His hair is all over the place. He is no longer wearing his suit jacket and he probably discarded his tie in the process. The top two buttons of his shirt are open revealing a small amount of chest hair. His sleeves are rolled up just up to his elbows and his pants are hanging incredibly sexy on his hips. Shit he looks so sexy…angry…but sexy.
Stepping into the reception area his stormy eyes meet mine and soften. A beautiful smile appears on his face. He winks and focuses his gaze on Andrea.
"Andrea, Olivia's contract as an intern is terminated with immediate effect. Make sure to inform HR. I suggest you search for a new replacement, preferably someone who is competent."
He walks to where I'm standing and places a soft kiss on my lips.
Before I even have the chance to react or think I'm standing in Christian's office with my back pressed against the wall. Christian's mouth is everywhere…my eyes, mouth, neck. With one hand he pulls the zipper of my dress down. His other hand is resting on my hip where he is slowly drawing circles with his thumb. When the dress falls at my feet he takes a step back and looks at my underwear and curses softly.
"Jesus, Fucking Christ Ana…your underwear…are you trying to kill me…feel what you do to me" he takes my hand and places it on his hard member.
He presses his nose between my breasts and licks with his tongue along the edge of my lace bra. I feel his finger slip under the elastic of my panties and he pushes a finger in me. He starts pumping slowly…he then pushes another finger in me and continues fucking me agonizingly slow.
"You have to be quiet Ana" His breathing is ragged and his voice sounds husky. While he remains pumping his fingers in to me painfully slow he kneels in front of me. He yanks of my panties with one swift pull…all the while he keeps finger fucking me. With the tip of his tongue he presses against my clit. My hands grab his hair and press him closer to me.
"Christian…please…"
He is blowing, licking and sucking my clit, but doesn't give me enough pressure to put me over the edge. So close…yet so far away…
I feel his mouth slowly kissing his way up to my neck. He crushes his mouth on mine and pushes his tongue inside. He is now pushing with his member at my entrance. When did he take of his pants?
"Hold on to my neck Ana, and put those beautiful legs around my waist" he huskily whispers in my ear. I do as I'm told and he enters me slowly. With every thrust I feel my back slamming against the wall.
"Christ Ana, you feel…so…good baby."
His movements are getting less controlled and I can hear at his breathing that he is almost reaching his climax.
"Come on Ana…I can feel you're almost there…the way you are squeezing my dick…I want us to come together…"
He is now pulling out and slamming into me…hard. Again…and again…every time he slams his dick inside me I feel his balls slapping against my ass.
"Now…Ana…." I feel him jerking and shuddering and together we ride out our orgasm. The feeling starting at my toes and finding its way to my core. My legs a second ago still tight around his waist, now feel as if they are made out of jelly.
Slowly we slide to the floor where we just sit holding each other until our breathing returns to normal.
I push his hair back from his clammy forehead and kiss his nose.
"Hi".
"Sorry baby for my barbaric behavior, but I needed you badly. This was the most miserable morning of all times, and when I thought that it only could get worse I walk out of my office and see you standing there in that sexy as fuck dress, with those high heels…and the only thought that played through my head was that I needed to bury my cock into you".
"I like it when you act bossy when we are having sex" I say and feel the blush on my neck and face.
But just as I say the words I feel him tense under me.
"Ana…I…" I place my finger on his lips.
"Shhh Christian, I promise I enjoy it a lot…you look sexy, hot and totally in control and it turns me on…I promise".
He finally gives me a shy smile.
"Sexy and hot huh?"
"Yeah, sexy and hot". I stand up and feel the moisture running down my legs. I catch Christian looking at it and he grins at me "Now that is hot" he says and smears the moisture over my legs with his fingers.
"I can't help it baby, but the thought of being the only man who you have been intimate with…" he shrugs and pulls me back on his lap "It's probably a caveman thing" he says smiling.
"I happen to love this barbaric caveman, and I know that behind that tough exterior is a gentle and loving man. So I wouldn't want it any other way. Now let me get cleaned up and order us something to eat, because Mr. Grey you made me hungry!"
CPOV
I glance at my watch and see that it's almost five. Ana left to Escala around two, but not before getting all worked up about having to leave the office without panties.
I lean back on my leather chair and think about sex with Ana. I've had enough sex in my life, but sex with Ana is on a whole different level than anything I've ever experienced. The connection we share exceeds everything…her needs come before mine and that's the way it will always be. When she shyly confessed that she liked my bossy behavior during sex I got confused. I never want to fall back into my old habits. As a Dominant, sex was linked to rules…without feelings. I never thought, after leaving the lifestyle to experience something as special as to what Ana and I have.
I never thought that I would meet someone who would accept my past and fucked-up-ness. The son of a drug-addict-whore, who at the age of fifteen was fucked by his mother's best friend, choose to become a Dominant and whipped brown haired girls into submission.
In one way or another, Ana accepts me and loves me. I can see it in her eyes.
She. Loves. Me!
And I love her more than I ever loved anyone. Because despite of her past and everything she has experienced over the past year, she is one of the strongest people I know. Her determination, intelligence, generosity and beauty make her a wonderful person inside and out.
To say that this morning turned up into a huge cluster fuck of epic proportions would be an understatement. First, the situation with my New-York office is still out of control. So I will have to go to New York for a few days and straighten things out. The idea of leaving Ana fills my body with fear, especially now with that Evers fucker on the loose.
And then Darfur. Because of Olivia's incompetence the ship to Darfur left without the proper documentation. So the ship is being held at customs waiting for the proper paperwork. In the meantime people who were counting at us have to wait while the food goes to waste.
O'Connor, the asshole in charge of Darfur assumed that Olivia actually knew what she was doing and left her in charge, thinking she had everything double checked and in control. Wrong! When I received his report I pulled him off the Darfur-project. I will handle everything myself. He is lucky I didn't fire his sorry ass.
I decide to answer and forward a few e-mails and call it a day. Ana called me saying that Mia is coming over this evening to have dinner with us. Something about arranging a surprise for Melissa.
I'm closing my laptop when I receive a message from Mia.
You need to come home. Ana's mother is here and giving her a hard time.
Fuck! What the hell? I didn't know that Ana's mother was coming for a visit.
I text her back and while I'm walking to the door Taylor enters without knocking. The expression on his face tells me something is wrong.
"Sir, I just received a phone call from Sawyer, it seems that Miss Steele's mother showed up unexpectedly. Miss Steele is very upset Sir."
"Let's go Taylor."
Something tells me that my first meeting with Ana's mother is not going to be a pleasant one.
I get of the elevator in Escala and drop my briefcase and jacket in one of the chairs. Sitting in the kitchen is a middle-aged woman who I assume is Ana's mother. Ignoring her I look at Gail who is wringing her hands concerned.
"Your sister and Ana are in the bedroom Mr. Grey."
I run to the bedroom and see Sawyer positioned in front of the door, probably to keep Ana's mother at a distance.
Opening the bedroom door I find Ana curled up in a corner. Mia is sitting next to her and is holding her hand and gently talking to her. Mia looks up at me and the tears are brimming in her eyes. Fuck!
"She isn't responding Christian, she is sitting here for thirty minutes and she keeps rocking back and forth and keeps saying , 'don't touch my hair'. Please do something Christian. Her mother said some horrible things to her…and when Ana turned her back on her to walk away to get Sawyer her mother grabbed her by the hair. I…I will never in my life forget the pain in Ana's eyes" She stands up and squeezes my arm.
"Please bring her back" She whispers and walks out of the bedroom leaving me alone with Ana.
I kneel beside Ana and gently touch her hand. "Ana, it's me Christian".
She stops moving and eyes full of pain meet mine.
"Christian?"
"Yes, baby it's me….you are safe now. Can I hold you?" She nods her head and lets me lift her on my lap.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask after several minutes?
"No" and holds me tighter.
"Why not?"
"Because…because you will come to the conclusion that you are better off without me Christian. Mia is probably appalled at my behavior. Let's face it Christian I'm a freak…the woman who gave birth to me doesn't love me…I…I…how can anybody else love me?"
"Look at me Anastasia" Eyes full of shame meet mine and the tears are falling freely.
"What do I have to do to prove that I love you…no matter what, I will never leave you. And Mia loves you and is worried about you. She will never push you away and neither will my parents".
"Really?"
"I promise baby" I hold her closer and inhale her scent.
"Make her go away Christian."
"I will, you have to trust me Ana. I love you".
She doesn't respond back, but I feel her relax and after a few minutes I hear at her even breathing that she has fallen asleep.
I gently lay her on our bed and cover her with the duvet. I hope I never have to witness Ana in such state ever again.
Rationally I know that I should calm down before walking back to the kitchen, but I can't.
I have been angry a lot of times before, but I don't think I ever felt like this. Hell angry was my usual state of mind.
The feeling of helplessness, anger and pain are all-consuming. I won't tolerate anyone hurting Ana, even if it's her own flesh and blood…
I enter the kitchen and see Mia and Gail talking softly to each other. Sawyer is standing close to Ana's mother and Taylor is at his usual spot.
When Ana's mother sees me entering the kitchen se steps from the barstool and walks confidently in my direction.
"Hello, you must be Christian. I'm Carla Adams, Ana's mother." It's probably her intention to hug me, but when she is close enough I take a step back. Leaving her a bit confused.
"And where did Ana go for God's sake. I have taken all the trouble to come here from Georgia and surprise her and when things don't go her way, she runs off crying…let me warn you Christian, Ana has always been a little drama queen."
Looking at this woman, talking about Ana that way, makes me sick. It's that good manners where ingrained in me, but the longer I look at her, how stronger the urge gets to strangle her.
"Mrs. Adams, I would like to have a word with you in my office" I say and point in the direction of my office.
She looks confused, but quickly composes herself and smiles.
"Sit" I say entering my office.
"What are you doing here Mrs. Adams?"
"Oh, don't need to be formal now…call me Carla." She says and entwines her hands in her lap.
"Don't think so Mrs. Adams, what are you doing here?"
"Isn't it obvious? I'm here to visit my daughter".
"And why the sudden interest in your daughter Mrs. Adams?" My patience is wearing thin here, for her sake I hope she answers me.
"What do you mean…she is my little girl…"
I slam my hand forcefully against my desk making her jump up in her chair. "Listen very carefully here Mrs. Adams, I just left my girlfriend in our bedroom after having a panic attack, a panic attack because of something you did and said, so I want to finish this little chat and go back to her. For the last time, Mrs. Adams, what is the reason of your sudden visit?"
"I need money". She says looking at her feet.
"And you think, that after the way you treated Ana over the years, you can barge in here, uninvited, insult her, hurt her and ask her for money?"
"What do you mean the way I treated her?"
"Don't play dumb with me Mrs. Adams. Ana has told me everything…from the time she was a little girl, until now, the only thing you did was hurt her. You must be extremely proud of the time you spend in Vegas too. That asshole that you called your husband treated her in a way, that isn't even human. He degraded her, punished her, touched her…and you did fucking nothing!"
"He only was trying to be a good father to her…but she was always so stubborn, so once in a while he had to teach her a lesson. You have to believe me Christian when I say that she was unmanageable….. as a teen."
I pinch the bridge of my nose and take a deep breath.
"She was a little girl, a young girl…who was hurt by that asshole again and again. Do you know what he did to her physically and emotionally? She has no self-esteem left because of that low life…she was a little girl who needed to be loved and be taken care off!" I'm so fucking mad, that I'm yelling at her. "And you failed at your only job as a mother. To take care of her, love her but most of all protect her."
"Look at you" she starts "You had everything handed to you on a silver platter Christian, you don't know anything about having to struggle to get by."
"You don't know a fucking thing about me! Because Ana and I have more in common than you would realize. You see, Mrs. Adams, I was adopted as a four year old by the Grey's who gave me a loving family. My birthmother, on the other hand, was more interested in getting her next fix, then feeding her son. Just like you in a way, but instead of being interested in drugs you where more interested in men.
At the end both Ana and I got lucky. Ana was smart enough to leave you and went to live with Ray. You should be ashamed of yourself Mrs. Adams, letting your little girl go to live with your ex-husband. It was her stepfather who took her in, no questions asked. He took her in and loved her unconditionally and accepted her as she was. Mrs. Adams, we are talking about her stepfather. And you, her mother, her own flesh and blood let her go, no questions asked. You can't convince me of the fact that you loved her like a mother is supposed to love her child. You were only thinking about yourself."
She is looking at me completely stunned.
"How can you say that! I always took care of her!"
"Cut the fucking crap! You only took care of yourself. Where were you when she told you about husband number three, and don't tell me you didn't see what he did to her. Where were you when she graduated, where were you when Ray died…and where the fuck were you when she got attacked last year?!"
She is sobbing uncontrollably. Yeah well, too little. Too late.
"Stop with the crying! And don't expect any sympathy from my part, because you are a horrible excuse of a mother. You should have loved her, encouraged her, cherished her and protected her, but instead you pushed her away…time after time. I'm convinced that Ana turned out the lovely person she is because of the love and care Ray gave her. And I intend to tell her every day of my life how beautiful, special and caring she is until she believes me. I am going to make her happy and you are not going to be a part of that."
I stand from my chair and stand next to her looking down at this horrible excuse of a mother.
"My personal security is going to let you sign an NDA. That NDA is valid for Ana and me. If something comes out in the media of what we've discusses here, I will crush you and make your life miserable. When you have signed that document, someone will drive you to the airport where my private jet will take you to Georgia. And don't think of calling Ana. If and when she is ready…she will call you."
I walk to the door and turn around one more time. "Goodbye, Mrs. Adams".
Taylor is standing outside and has probably heard the entire conversation. He gives me a nod and walks in my office closing the door. He will deal with her.
Walking back in the kitchen I see Mia still standing by the breakfast bar talking to Gail.
"Mia, thank you for staying with Ana. I will call you in the morning." She nods her head and the tears are brimming in her eyes. "Just take care of her Christian." She whispers and kisses my cheek.
Gail has heated my dinner and placed it on the breakfast bar, but I can't eat. For the first time in my adult life, I can't eat. I have to be sure Ana is fine.
Back in our bedroom I walk directly to our bed and sit on the edge watching Ana. Her hair is spread out over the pillow and her hands are tucked under her face. She is so sweet. She doesn't deserve this pain.
Her face is still a bit swollen from the crying and the dried tears mixed with mascara are visible on her cheeks.
I quickly get rid of my clothes and lay next to her and face her. She probably feels my presence because she immediately moves closer. She is laying on top of me, her head on my chest and her legs intertwined with mine. I place my arm cradling her head and hold her tight, hoping that her feelings of anguish and hurt will disappear.
I open my eyes and feel something is off. Ana! I sit up and look around me letting my eyes adjust to the dark. Ana's side of the bed is empty and cold, meaning that she has been up for a while. I jump out of bed and walk to the great room where I find Ana sitting on the floor looking at the Seattle skyline.
I slowly walk to her and sit beside her.
"Why do you think my mother acts like that Christian?" Ana asks me with a little voice.
"I have asked myself over and over again why she keeps rejecting me. Why? You know, since I was a little girl I was always trying to make her happy and please her. I realize now, that a lot of things I did where to please her. I needed to hear so bad from her that she was proud of me, but she never told me…never."
She shakes her head and I see the tears roll from her cheek.
"I always felt like I was a burden to her" she pulls her knees up and wraps her arms around them.
"I remember when I started my first period…shit I was scared and uncomfortable. I believe that as a mother, she should had talked to me what was happening to my body…well that's what I would do.
But you know what she said? "You are a woman now Anastasia, and use protection if you want to have sex, because a child will ruin your life"
I was so confused Christian, I mean how could I turn into a woman overnight? That didn't make any sense. I was twelve years old for God's sake. Two years later, when she saw me talking to this boy, she dragged me along to a gynecologist. I'm on birth control since the age of fourteen Christian."
She is crying uncontrollably still hugging her knees.
The pain I'm feeling in my chest in unbearable, because I know how she feels. Not feeling loved by your own mother is probably the worst feeling someone can experience as a child. Because if your mother doesn't love you, then who will?
I have been in the fortunate position in being adopted by wonderful parents, who even when I rejected them time and time again, they kept telling me how much they loved me and how proud they were.
She has to come to the conclusion by herself, that her mother does love her, only in a sick, twisted way.
I take her in my arms and hold her. She needs to let this out…the hurt, the anger and embarrassment.
"Do you think she loves me?" She is looking at me and her beautiful eyes are filled with uncertainty and pain and it's tearing me apart from the inside.
"I feel a horrible person Christian, because now I wished I didn't love her, I'm trying not to love her, because of emotionally hurting me, but I can't".
"I do Ana, I think she loves you, but in her own way. After I left the lifestyle I knew that punishing my submissives for something my mother did to me wasn't the correct way. After months of incredibly intense sessions with my psychiatrist I came to the conclusion that I can only control my own actions, I had to be the better person and not let her actions control me. Because that's what happened every time I released my anger at a sub…her actions…controlled mine".
She closes her eyes and takes a shuddering breath.
"Thank you for staying with me Christian."
Hearing her say this makes me livid. I have to bite my tongue so I don't yell at her. Instead I kiss her head.
"Ana, I will never leave you. I love you. There will never be anyone else…just you, forever and always".
She leans her head on my chest and hugs me tighter.
I have to show her how much I love her, and there is only one way to do that…
A/N Don't forget to check out my Pinterest page. You can find the link on my profile page.