I know what you're thinking. "Ugh, she takes soooo long to update!" …Well, you're not wrong there. It's been almost a month, and I'm honestly so sorry about that, and I really hate being slow. I've been yelling at myself to finish this for-freaking-ever. But I'm trying my hardest to make my chapters longer and more plotty, whilst dealing with a hell of a lot of schoolwork, exams and personal stuff. So you can expect infrequent (but super detailed and long) chapters from now on. And this chapter was super heavy and hard to handle- you'll see.
If you're really sensitive, tread carefully. Here be angst. Hope you enjoy, my lovely readers!
[trigger warning: mentions self-harm, abuse and sexual assault]
"Are you sure?"
The Doctor sounded doubtful. We'd gathered around the main console, and Charlie had been asked to choose a new destination, as her previous adventure was ruined.
"Definitely." Charlie's smile was infectiously cheerful. "The past can wait. I want to see an actual future planet. No love potion mishaps this time though, just cool tech."
"I make no promises." The Doctor was only half-joking. "So, would you rather a human planet or alien?"
"Um.. alien, this time. But something civilized- Krypton is definitely not an option."
The Doctor grinned. "Did you know, there are over ten thousand planets in the universe named Krypton? And not one of them holds any sort of hostile race!"
Dean's head snapped up. "Seriously? Man, that is awesome." I glanced up at him in surprise- I didn't know he was a Star Trek fan. I'd always suspected he was a closet nerd, though.
"Indeed," the Doctor said, clearly deep in thought. "I think I know the perfect place to take you. Candori 7- home to an ancient alien civilization called The Honest Ones- brilliant, beautiful technology, and an endlessly intriguing society based solely on telling the truth. I went there once a few centuries ago, just to take a peek- it looked brilliant. So, what do you say?"
"Sure, why not?" Charlie responded, eyes lighting up with wonder as she no doubt imagined the intricate workings of the planet. "You know best."
The TARDIS was peaceful in its takeoff this time, with barely a vibration under our feet as we flew off into the great wide universe.
Dean still looked nervous in the TARDIS, hands gripped a little too tight on the railings, but he was much more relaxed than before. We landed softly, the floor rumbling ever so slightly. I looked up at the Doctor, and we grinned madly at each other, just like old times. The TARDIS' crew was back to business.
Charlie sauntered out of the doors first, followed by the Doctor, then by Dean, Cas and Sam. I ventured out last, wondering if it would live up to my expectations.
And, as usual, it didn't.
We'd landed in a perfectly plain white room, with no doors, windows or other people in sight. The others, puzzled, were milling around, confused as I was.
"Uh, Doctor?" Sam was examining a part of the unmarked wall. "Are you sure you took us to the right place?"
The Time Lord was scanning the room with his screwdriver, eyebrows scrunched together. "This is Candori 7. We're just… inside the city somewhere, I think."
I rolled my eyes. "Well, why aren't there any doors, then?"
"I don't know!" the Doctor exclaimed. "Maybe they don't have doors, or they've captured us, or maybe I'm just thick and I've landed us in the wrong spot!"
"Doctor," Castiel interrupted solemnly from the back corner. "You should see this."
I peered curiously at where the angel was standing. Something was leaking from the walls- something gaseous, and white, like smoke.
"Poison gas?" Sam guessed, eyes wide.
"Well, we can only assume," the Doctor snapped. "Right, back into the TARDIS!"
But before we could move, the gas swelled and shifted, growing and growing. I panicked and froze, not even bothering to cover my mouth or suck in a deep breath.
The gas was sweet and drowsy, clouding darkness over my eyes and muffling my ears. I blinked, woozy, and let the mist wash over me until there was nothing left but the blood roaring like crashing waves in my ears.
Thump.
I shook my head, desperately trying to make sense of my surroundings. Everything had blurred beyond comprehension. The air smelled clinical, clean, sterilized. Strange, alien sounds whirled around me, and I shot out my hand, feeling for something, anything.
Thump.
My hand hit a wall- clear, plastic or glass or some other, stronger substance. I felt my senses returning, and opened my eyes, everything too clear and too bright.
I was strapped into a stiff metal chair with my arms free. I appeared to be stuck in some sort of tank, like in an aquarium. It was terribly tiny, only about as wide as me, and a couple of feet taller. Pressing my nose against the cold material of the cage, I searched the outside desperately, craning my neck to get a glimpse of my friends.
There they were, all lined up like an exhibit. They were all still asleep, probably from the gas. Sam looked particularly squashed into his tank. Other than the glass cases, the room was completely empty.
Who put us here? I wondered. And why?
I was jolted from my thoughts by the screeching of a loudspeaker, resonating from a tiny speaker grille on a panel at the top of my tank.
I could see the others startled awake by the intruding noise. Sam grunted as he knocked his head on the top of the tank, and I giggled. He was directly opposite me, with Dean and the Doctor in my line of sight, while Cas was on my left and Charlie was on my right.
We all jumped when someone cleared his throat over the mic. His voice was smooth and silky, with no trace of evil or anger.
"I am sure you are all wondering what is happening, why you are here. Do not fret. You will be perfectly safe if you comply."
"Comply to what?" Sam demanded.
"Why, our traditions, of course!" exclaimed the mysterious voice. "It is known among the Honest Ones that every person, no matter the past or upbringing, has a secret that has never been told, something significant or harmful. It is also known that if that secret is shared with everyone, then all other dishonesties will cease to become important."
"Uh, what do you mean?" I asked, my mind racing. A secret that's never been told… I tapped the glass nervously, anxious to escape.
"You will be asked to reveal your greatest secret to everyone in this room- and the Honest Ones, of course. We are confident that you will all be able to pass this test- you all have secrets and darkness in your minds. Only after you have revealed the innermost experiences to us will you be deemed acceptable to enter Candori 7. Dishonesty and secrets are the roots of destruction and war- it is a sickness we must eradicate."
A chilled silence fell over the room as we digested this information. I felt ill as I realized my own secret. I can't tell them. I can't.
"And if we don't tell?" Sam's voice was hoarse and strained. What secrets did he hide? What did everyone hide?
"You have thirty minutes," the voice replied curtly, "before you will be purged. Your secrets are a sickness we cannot afford to heal. We hope you comply."
The speaker screeched once more and fell silent.
Purged?
Confused beyond measure, I looked to the Doctor. He seemed as puzzled as I was.
Then our questions were answered.
A tiny spout at the bottom of the tank began to dribble water. There were no drains in sight, and soon enough there was a thin layer of water covering the floor.
"Doctor!" I yelled. "They're going to drown us!"
"Oh, God," Sam murmured, still with the same strained voice. The water shot icy cold sparks through my veins. I could only hope that one of us opened up soon, just to see what would happen.
Dean had his face buried in his hands, muttering something and gripping his own arms. Charlie seemed eerily still, eyes shut tightly. The Doctor seemed lost in thought, tapping his fingers on his knee, while Castiel squinted and looked at his feet.
"Right," I started, voice trembling a little. "What do we do?"
"Tell the truth?" the Doctor suggested, and I sobbed a little as the water started to pool around my ankles, shooting cold lightning into my nervous system. I couldn't tell them about that night. There was no way I could let myself break like that. I'd promised myself I wouldn't let it hurt me. I'd promised.
"What if we lie?" Dean piped up, voice too hopeful to ring true.
The Doctor stepped in, bitterness lining his tone. "I don't suppose it would do harm, but there are lie detectors in the software of the tanks. I doubt they'd kill us, but they wouldn't let us out, either. The Honest Ones are known for their neural technology- they'll know when we're telling them our secrets."
"Well, there goes my plan to tell them that my real name is Deanna," Den complained, only half joking.
"First, I think we should all agree not to judge anyone by their secrets," I interjected. The others all made small noises of agreement, nodding their heads. Phew. At least they won't hate me.
We sat uncomfortably, totally silent. No one wanted to step up and ruin themselves, their pasts. Sam coughed like he was going to speak, but thought better of it.
Then Charlie spoke up, her voice still and clear as day, which was weird considering she was about to expose her greatest secret.
"I guess I'll start. Gotta be brave, right?" She chuckled, not convincing anyone. I braces myself for whatever horrific secret she'd kept. "Biggest secret, eh? It's hard to pick just one, I mean, my life is like one big secret. But I told Dean and Sam about the stuff- uh, the stuff with my mom.. so I guess it doesn't count. Um. Sorry, I'm getting sidetracked." She bit her lip. "When I was fifteen, I was on the run from the police for reasons I won't go into right now, seeing as it's a very long story and we don't have a very long time. I still can't believe they'd stake out a teenage girl for hacking a video game- anyway, I'd been backed into an alley. There were these three policemen with guns ready to take me into custody and I freaked out. Um, I got desperate. They were beating me up a little and I watched too many action movies when I was a kid so I got hold of one of their guns and… then I.. I shot them all. I mean.. they all died. Because of me. And I was fine afterwards. I just- I don't know."
I blinked, shellshocked. She sounded so calm, talking about it. I didn't know she'd be capable of such a thing, especially at fifteen. I heard the Doctor making a tiny sound of displeasure at it, and I sighed. Doesn't he know by now that peace isn't always the answer?
"Uh, Charlie?" I said quietly, looking to my right. "Has the water stopped for you?"
She frantically checked, and smiled through the glass, though her eyes were unfocused.
"Yep. Though I still can't get out."
I looked down at my own feet- the water swirled above my ankles, sucking and pulling at the skin of my calf. Still rising, until I let it spill. Would drowning be preferable to that?
"Alright, alright. I'll talk," Dean announced suddenly. My gaze shot to him, twiddling his fingers. I could think of a million things Dean Winchester hadn't told me, but he'd probably shared them with Sam already. What could Dean have done that Sam didn't know about? The thought worried me profusely, as did the opposite.
Dean sighed. "I never wanted to tell anyone this, especially Sammy. But here we go. Ugh, it's hard to start this out. See, our dad was a lot of things- stubborn, neglectful, angry, but loyal to the bone. And by God, he was a drinker. Every night, he'd storm in, pissed about something or other. But I'd always make sure Sam had gotten to bed before the, uh, blows started."
I widened my eyes and watched as Sam's face fell.
"Dean, what are you talking ab-"
"Dad hit me," Dean interrupted abruptly. "A lot. Those bruises weren't from werewolves, Sammy. They were dad, always dad. He'd get mad over the smallest things- we'd run out of Cheerios, or he'd gotten injured on a hunt, or he'd lost at poker. I took all the hits- he'd have gone after you otherwise. I had to protect you, Sam. I could bear it, mostly, until you ran away under my watch. Well, then, he almost killed me. Remember how he told you we'd run into a wendigo on the way to find you? Those were from the legs of a motel room chair. And I didn't even realize he was in the wrong- I'd thought I'd failed him, failed you, Sam. It was all I could do to tell you they were bruises from a hunt. I mean, I still have a belt-buckle scar on my back from when I was seven."
Dean's voice broke and he refused to say any more. His water had stopped flowing. There was a soft thump on a tank as Cas pressed his hand out to Dean, though they couldn't touch.
I hadn't realized tears had formed in my eyes until they joined the ever rushing water still lapping below my knee, the secrets rushing in my head getting louder and louder, just waiting to be spoken. Don't tell them.
Instead, I focused on Sam. He was rubbing at his eyes, looking ill. I was surprised he didn't know about something so closely related to his life, but then he was probably more surprised than me.
"Well, now I feel even worse," Sam said, eyes reddened. "Because mine just seems selfish now." He laughed with no humor behind it. "Uh, I guess it's my turn. When I was younger, I… uh, I.. It's hard to really put into words."
"It's okay Sam, you can get through this," Charlie called out, smiling.
"Uh, thanks." He swallowed hard. "Um, it sort of started when I was fourteen and I got worked up one night and I just felt like a huge disappointment and a waste of space, uh, so I started hating myself. And, God, I felt like the scum of the Earth that night. I don't know if it was the demon blood in my subconscious or just the mindlessness and tragedy of being a hunter but I felt I wasn't worth anything and I should've died. I wanted to die so badly, but I couldn't face it- Hell, right? That's what suicidal people get. Well, I got that anyway, but still, it didn't seem right to leave Dean. So I started to, um, harm myself to at least feel something that wasn't… emptiness, I guess. Thinking back on it it doesn't seem, uh, that logical, but it lasted until I was eighteen and then I met Jess…" He trailed off as the water stopped flowing in his tank, eyes red and wet with tears.
My stomach churned. How could someone so heroic, so caring, harm himself like that?
Me and Charlie exchanged haunted glances. We'd never be the same after this was all over.
Dean was stony-faced.
"How come you never told me?"
"Dean, I couldn't. You don't- you don't understand. What it's like to feel like nothing. You were always a better hunter than me, stronger, faster. And dad- dad hated me. I felt lower than the monsters we hunt. And when I did that.. stuff to myself, I felt pure."
My throat closed up, tears slipping out freely now, to help along the water now dragging down at my knee-length dress, the tank a little over a third full. I felt guilty when I thought about how the lace details on my dress would be ruined, but it was preferable to picturing Sam cutting into his own skin, or Charlie killing mercilessly, or Dean with bruises decorating his arms with blue and black and yellow.
We all jumped when the microphone screeched again.
"This is a reminder that you have fifteen minutes until the tanks are filled completely." The sound of static filled the room until it cut short.
Dean rolled his eyes. "Thanks, douchebag. Real kind of you."
"Well, half of us have confessed, and half the time has gone, so at least, if we follow suit, we will all get out of here alive," Castiel stated matter-of-factly. I bit my lip as I started to fully realize that I would have to tell them sooner or later. I began to construct my words mentally as the others, silent, doubtless constructed theirs.
Castiel, the Doctor and I were left. The first three had confessed to murder, abuse and self harm, so I wasn't optimistic for the others. And mine was probably worst of all.
The Doctor cleared his throat, and my gaze wandered to him. He'd looked calm and solemn this whole time, completely silent.
"I don't keep many secrets," he started. That was a lie on his part- he had countless things he'd never told anyone.
"So I'm not quite sure what to say here. I've told too many lies and kept certain things from certain people, but not often do I actually have a secret that is completely my own. I could tell you my name, my 'biggest secret', but that's not much of a memory, is it? It's so small and insignificant. I don't know why everyone's so obsessed with finding it out-"
"Doctor, get on with it!" I interrupted, exasperated at his rambling.
"Sorry. Right. It was around a year ago, this event- for me, not Earth. I'd just suffered… terrible losses. My two best friends were… gone, and I could never see them again. Amy and Rory." He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples anxiously.
Oh. Amy and Rory Williams. He'd told me about them, one lazy afternoon, showed me pictures. Amy was beautiful, with fiery locks and a sultry smile. She had been strong and free-spirited and defiant, three things I could never be. Rory had been calm, loyal and ethical, with misty blue eyes and a prominent nose that was probably the brunt of the trio's jokes more often than not. They'd been killed by Weeping Angels just before he met me, so I'd learned. Sometimes that made me feel like nothing but a replacement.
"And so," he continued, "I became.. angry. With myself, with them, with the universe. Bitter to the bitterest extent. And the TARDIS took me to the planet Amy 84." His voice cracked. "Home to the great warrior races Westrosi and Andalle. I felt old and terrible and full of stupid, stupid righteousness and I knew what was to come. The great battle that eventually destroys every planet in the end. The war between races. The entire event was in flux, it could have happened in an infinite number of different ways. I decided to watch from above as the planet was ripped to flaming pieces. I turned my face away from their pain. Billions died in the crossfire. And I did not feel any sorrow but for the Ponds. And then I went to wallow in my own grief elsewhere."
My stomach churned. He saves people. Doesn't he?
I already knew that he had blood on his hands- stories he'd told me, of the Sycorax and the cybermen and the daleks… But never willingly, not like this.
"We don't walk away," he'd once said, a lifetime ago. I looked down at my feet, water pooling around my waist now. My skirt was soaked through, swirling in the flow. I couldn't walk away from this, from my past. It was always going to catch up to me in the end.
Castiel coughed. "Doctor, if it is any consolation-"
"Don't console me," the Doctor snapped, eyes cold and sullen. "What I did was unforgivable. Don't you dare think you can redeem me."
I looked around the room again, gauging their reactions. Charlie, water frozen at her ankles, seemed horrified, biting her lip. I envied her bravery- the first to confess. It looked like I'd be the last.
Dean, the bottom of his jeans submerged in water, was staring at the Doctor, eyes wide. Castiel was squinting again, his trench coat sodden. Sam, hands cupping his face, was looking at the floor.
None of them had cried yet apart from me, which was strange. Then again, they'd lived extraordinary lives and seen more than I had. I was just a regular girl who'd joined a madman in his travels. I hadn't spent my life on the run or fighting monsters or on a different planet.
"If I may speak," Castiel interrupted my thoughts. We all jumped, surprised.
"Go ahead," Charlie said, managing a tiny smile.
"Millennia ago, I was just another angel in Anna's garrison. We were stationed on Earth, three thousand years. Just... watching. Silent, invisible... And one day, Anna approached me, out of the blue. We'd been watching the Jews slaving away in Ancient Egypt at the time- our garrison had been assigned to administer the ten plagues of Egypt. And Anna presented me with a job- she wanted me to destroy the first-born sons of Egypt. A born assassin, she called me. Obedient, resourceful, intuitive. And I did, a million young boys smote in one night."
Charlie put her hand over her mouth. Dean's eyes widened, softened.
"From that night onwards I was called upon as the Assassin of Heaven. Non-believers, blasphemers, false prophets, homosexuals-"
"What?" Charlie choked, offended. "Are you serious?"
"I did not condone it. I only acted. You must understand, Charlie, torture lay in the act of disobedience, and I truly thought the orders were coming from God. I sincerely apologize for my previous actions and beliefs. I believe the death count comes to over three million, if we're including Egypt, the Caananites, the twelve thousand men of Ai and my work during the Crusades. But I changed. By the 20th century I'd sworn not to kill any more. I retreated to heaven to complete other, less violent assignments. And then I finally agreed to work in the field- rescue a man from Hell. Dean."
We were speechless. Castiel looked as sincere as possible, with those deep, soulful blue eyes of his.
"Clara," Cas said suddenly. "I believe it is your turn."
Terror flooded my veins as the water rose to my chest and my heart leapt into my throat. My skirt was swirling around my legs. I didn't want to recall the day- I couldn't think about it.
"I- I can't," I made myself stammer. "I just can't."
"Clara, we're running out of time," said Dean firmly. "I'm sorry, really, but you have to. We won't judge you or anything."
"But-"
"Clara, listen to me," Sam said, locking eyes with me. "You're safe with us, you hear? We'll accept you no matter what."
I took a deep breath. In and out. In and out. I started to shiver from the cold. I dropped my head, unable to look at their faces- worry, concern, the likes… The biting, frozen grip of the water cleared my head but I kept on struggling, breathing in and out and in and out and in and out-
I forced the words to tumble out of my mouth, quickly and clumsily.
"I was seventeen when it happened," I started, and it was like a weight had dropped from my shoulders. "Um, I'd been out with my mates for a birthday party at this diner in South London. We'd been drinking a bit, not too much, and all of a sudden this man came up to us, and he was lovely and smiley and a really nice bloke. So he offered to drive me home after everyone else had left, and I thought- well, why not?" My throat started to close up. I kept on. "But he didn't take me to his car then. He pulled me to the back of the diner, and, uh, he…"
I made the mistake of looking up at the others. Charlie was biting at her nails, eyes downcast. Sam's eyes were huge and watery and his eyes had gone all red, an emotion that might have been guilt plastered on his face. Dean was rigid, stony-faced. The Doctor just seemed angry. And Castiel- he was crying. The stoic, squinty angel of the Lord was actually crying. And so I continued, my throat raw from holding back sobs.
"And he started kissing me. I didn't know what to do, he was older and I was tipsy and he was probably wasted, and he was so strong and I couldn't get him off me." I paused to scrub away a stray tear that was dripping down my nose and off my chin. "I was so scared and frantic and then- I think you can infer what happened next."
Amazingly, the water stopped just below my neck. It was over. I breathed deeply through my nose, not wanting to face the others.
"Is it over?" I whispered into the uncomfortable, unbearable silence.
There was a sucking sound from below me and relief washed over me as the water drained from the tank, slowly- down to my stomach, then my waist, then my knee, then my thigh, then my ankles..
I was drenched from the neck down, my dress clinging to my skin. The others had fared far better.
I sighed as the buckles around my waist and legs retracted, finally letting me stand. I stretched nonchalantly, trying to ignore the prying stares of everyone else.
"Alright," Dean finally said, loud and full of fire. "Can we get out now?"
As a response, the glass doors swung open and I practically tumbled out of the tank, relishing freedom.
It wasn't planned or anything, but somehow we all stumbled towards the middle of the room and gripped each other tightly, forgetting the secrets and the shame. We stood there for a while, and I almost started crying again from the intensity of the moment.
Quiet, echoing footsteps bounced around the walls. We broke apart.
"Well done." The mysterious voice from before now had a body. He was silver-skinned, with light eyes and sharp cheekbones, about as tall as Dean. "You all passed initiation."
Sam's eyes narrowed with anger as he spat out his retort. "Is that seriously what you society is based on? Making people unhappy? Forcing them to reveal things that they don't want others to know, by torture? You're sick."
"It is simply the custom. And I don't believe anyone got hurt in the process, so it was hardly torture."
I seethed with rage and prepared to argue, but Dean held me back.
"Get the hell off me," I warned, eyes alight with fury. He jerked back his arm, but I stayed silent.
"Now, are you ready for your tour of Candori 7?" asked the man placidly.
"We'd rather leave," said the Doctor venomously. "Where did you put my ship?"
The silver man said nothing, but led us to another room where the TARDIS was parked.
"So, we can just go?" Charlie asked. The silver man nodded.
"After you pass initiation, visitors may do anything they please- that coincides with our laws, of course."
The Doctor stepped forward, ice in his tone of voice. "If I'd the time or the patience to deal with you, 'Honest Ones', then I'd bring the Shadow Proclamation right now to shut down your ridiculous customs. But today I'm being merciful. But, know this, if you ever threaten my friends with this emotional manipulation again, then I can assure you, you will not be spared."
The little man shrugged. "If it please you, sir. Now, if you will not be staying, I have other initiations to oversee." He trotted away.
"Doctor," I muttered. "There are other prisoners in here. What do we do? We've got to help them!"
"Already done," the Doctor stated casually, quickly sonicing something in his hand and grinning at us. "I stole a controller from his pocket and now I've modified it to release everyone at the push of a button, simultaneously shutting down the entire system. That should hold it down until we come back. Did you really think I would just leave people here to drown?"
"Sometime, I forget you're a genius," I laughed. We piled back into the TARDIS.
I approached Charlie, frowning. "Sorry your second trip had to end so badly."
She simply shrugged. "It's alright. Maybe this time I'll let someone else choose." Then, without warning, she threw her arms around me and hugged me as hard as she could.
"If you ever need to talk, about anything, I'm always here, you know that?" She fixed a soft smile on her face, fiddling with her orange locks.
"Thanks, Charlie," I said quietly.
The Doctor flicked some switches and jiggled a yellow zig-zag lever. There was a rumble below our feet as we journeyed elsewhere, across the universe
"Does anyone need a rest?" he asked us. "It's been a long time since any of you got some sleep."
"Sure," Sam said, rubbing at his eyes. "Wake us in, like, six hours."
"Done," the Doctor promised. He quickly typed something into a keyboard fixed onto the console. "I've just programmed your rooms. You should find them down that corridor, to the left, near Clara's. I'll be here if you need me."
Castiel stayed with the Doctor, the two old creatures chatting about something insignificant, probably.
We all tramped to our bedrooms, exhausted both physically and mentally. I waved goodbye to my friends then plopped down on the familiar bed. I lay awake for quite some time, thinking about secrets and stories and bad memories.
Frustrated with myself, shut my eyes as tight as I could and fell almost instantly into a dreamless sleep.