The Slave, Part 4: The Words of the Enemy/I Am In Blood Stepped In So Far

"Only enemies speak the truth; friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty."

~ Stephen King

"I am in blood/stepped in so far that, should I wade no more,/returning were as tedious as going o'er."

~ William Shakespeare, Macbeth

"They breathe truth that breathe their words in pain."

~ William Shakespeare, Richard II

Chapter 6

It had been three days since Luke's eruption into the Force. I paced, warring with myself, fighting to keep the pain and despair at bay. Yoda was beyond despair. When the very fabric of nature was pulled by the power of Luke's rage, he had stumbled and fallen. Refusing my aid, he had arisen and gone into his hut. He had not come out again. I knew he was alive, but every day, his sure, steady light was fading. He did not have much time left.

So when I felt Luke's sun-bright pinpoint entering Dagobah's atmosphere, I did not know quite what to feel. Hope or dread? Fear or concern?

I knew the instant Luke met my eyes that he had discovered my deception. I also knew that there would never be forgiveness for me.

So when he said tersely, "Tell me the truth. All of it."

I acquiesced. I sat across from Luke and proceeded to lay out the entire history of Anakin Skywalker. His harsh blue eyes soaked it all up – his father's slavery, his training as a Jedi, what I guessed about his relationship with Padme, the Clone Wars, his Fall, the final, fateful duel on the slopes of Mustafar, the twins' birth, and Yoda's decision to separate them. "You know the rest," I finished lamely.

"No, I don't," he snapped. "What happened to her? How did she come to Vader?"

I looked down, unable to meet his eyes. "When…" I still could not bring myself to say her name. Every time I tried, it left a bitter taste in my mouth – the lingering taste of guilt and shame. "When she was four years old, she and her aunt were at the market in Anchorhead. She was the sweetest, most irrepressible, and incorrigible child I have ever known." I left Just like her father unsaid. "She got distracted and ran away from Beru, straight into a slaving crew."

The response I got was not the one I was expecting. Luke's whispered, "Why?" hit me like a blow. I gaped, unable to muster a response. I stuttered out a, "Why what?"

I felt my chin lifted up so I could meet his eyes. He loomed above me – I had not sensed him getting up. The hardness of his eyes would have broken a strong man: it shattered me. "Why did you not retrieve her?"

"Luke, believe me, we tried!" I cried. "We searched for hours, but her presence was gone by the time we got to their lair."

He was not convinced. "Why didn't you pursue her? Why did you immediately come to Alderaan?"

I wilted. It was a long time before I was able to say, "You were always the one we pinned our hopes on, Luke. She…she was the wild card."

"You mean you didn't think you could control her like you could control me," he spat. Yellow flecks were beginning to emerge in his eyes.

I didn't bother to respond. He was right. In my heart of hearts, I had craved the power to defeat Vader, to set up the Jedi as the just and wise rulers I knew they would be. I could sense even early on that Luke was both powerful and open to instruction, to the point of being malleable. Leia, in contrast, was the strong-willed child of two incredibly strong-willed people. She would accept instruction as she saw fit, not allowing others to mold her.

In my weakness, I had not contested Yoda's decision to exile Leia to the most desolate corner of the galaxy. In my mind, Luke would be under the tutelage of a man who would set us up as the greatest of heroes, and Leia would be swept under the rug, with me close by to make sure she neither attracted attention nor tried to leave. Luke could handle the role of hero wonderfully on his own.

Yoda would have listened to me if I had argued.

I understood too late that it never was the will of the Force to spirit Leia away. She, like her father before her, was one of the rare individuals who would emerge as if from nowhere to shape the galaxy, beaten, tempered, and sharpened by adversity. My attempt to control the uncontrollable had only made it worse.

When I looked up, Luke was gone, but I was wrapped in a Dark cloak of his scorn. I did not try to shrug it off, and I would have not even if I could. I deserved it.

VVV

Thank you for your patience! These have been a tumultuous three months for me. The next chapter is nearing completion and should be up soon (before spring break, I promise!)

Last but not least, go thank Female Marauder for all the work she has done on this story. She has had to retire from the beta position, and she will be greatly missed :(