A/N: Please excuse this bipolar chapter.

Sara's POV

For the first time in over two months, I wake up peacefully. I smile sleepily, snuggling back into the warmth of the body behind me. The grip they have around my stomach tightens, and I slowly open my eyes. I'm expected to be met with Emy's tan arm, but instead find myself staring at a hot pink cast. I lightly trace my finger over my slowly fading nickname written on it.

"Tegan?" I call to the air.

She makes some shuffling movements, removing her arm from around me. "Sorry."

"Don't be." I tell her quietly. I roll over to be met with her face only inches from mine. I can feel her breath on my face.

"Did you sleep well?" She asks.

I nod, smiling. "I forgot what it was like to sleep with you next to me."

"It's nice, isn't it?" She returns my smile, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes. She licks her lips and her gaze falls to my own.

As if in slow motion, she moves her head forward, bringing our lips closer by the second. Just as her lips are about to meet mine, I pull away.

"No, Tegan." I say in hushed tone, my words grazing her mouth.

She groans and falls onto her back. "Do you get some sort of sick pleasure out of torturing me like this? God, Sara!"

"I have a girlfriend." I remind her, yet again.

"I don't care! Break up with her!" She whines. Her fist balls up in anger, her knuckles turning white.

"I love her."

"Not like you love me." She pouts, and I feel guilty. So guilty.

"Maybe so, but every time I touch you or get close to you, all I can think about is what I went through because of my love for you."

"Was it really that bad?" She whispers.

I know she's been dreading having this talk, but it's been avoided long enough. She needs to know I'm not trying to be the bad guy in this situation.

I sit up and face her, hugging my knees to my chest. She sits up too, and the sunlight beaming in through the window hits her face in the most mesmerizing way. Her chocolatey eyes are almost a shimmering gold. They're so sad, but hopeful. I can't stand to look into them for too long, it hurts too much.

"It was awful... " I start, opting to stare at my hands. The same hands that were all over Emy just hours ago. "It's stupid but if I'm even in the same room as a sex toy meant for penetration, I have a panic attack. After almost 4 years, that's still how bad it is. So even if we got back together, you wouldn't enjoy the sex." I laugh awkwardly, hoping an attempt at humor will lighten the situation.

She gives me a bizarre look, then shakes her head. "If you told me we would never have sex, I would still be with you. But that's not the issue here, Sar. I remember you said you were okay, but are you really? I know that whole incident is why you won't be with me. If we can work it out, and I can help, I want to. I do have one question about the toy thing though."

I finally look back into her eyes, letting her know I'm listening.

"Is it just a trauma thing, or can you physical not handle having that done? I can't imagine you're body was well prepared for such a thing. Did they cause serious damage? I know you got pregnant, but can you still safely conceive and have kids?"

"I think it's mostly just trauma. Emy's the only one i've been with besides you and we haven't tried.. anything so I don't really know what it feels like. When I had the.. had the abortion," I say quickly, the words leaving a bad taste in my mouth, "the doctor instantly knew. I didn't have to tell her. She said there was some tearing and bruising, but no permanent damage, thankfully. She asked if I wanted to talk to someone about filing a police report or getting counseling but I couldn't do it. Back then, I felt like I deserved everything that happened."

"You didn't. No one deserves that." She lays a gentle hand on my knee to comfort me, but she looks closer to tears than I do. "Do you ever regret not having the baby?"

I shake my head. "Maybe for like a week after, but I knew there was no way I could raise a child. I let myself fantasize the idea of raising the baby with you only once. If it would have been a girl, I would have named her Rain, after you, whether you liked it or not." I chuckle briefly, thinking of what that life would have been like, then my mood turns somber again. "But if it had been a boy... I couldn't fathom the idea of him turning out like his father, whoever that may be. I really don't think I could have brought myself to love him, Tegan. God, what kind of person even says that?!" I let out a loud sob, and she doesn't even hesitate to take me into her arms. I wrap my arms and legs around her whole body, like a toddler latching onto one of their parents legs.

"Shh, Sara it's okay. You never did anything wrong, we never did anything wrong. All we did was love each other. Those guys who did all of this to you, to us, were in the wrong. They're the fucked up ones. Do you understand me?" She soothes, running her hand up and down my back in a repetitive motion and her other fingers playing with the outgrown hairs on the back of my neck. My brain won't calm down but her touch instantly calms my body.

"I don't think I do, Tegan. I've gotten so used to being able to hold my partner's hand in public, or kiss her if I want and I love being able to do that. I love that feeling of being free; of not having to hide. If we were to get back together, I would be so paranoid the whole time. I don't think I could love you properly, like I used to. I just want to be normal." I choke out between cries, her tank top getting soaked with my tears.

I finally allow myself to cry the tears I've kept bottled up for years. I cry for the relationship Tegan and I used to have, my lost child, the years we were apart, and for the tangled mess of a relationship that we have now. I cling onto her and cry until there are no more tears left to cry.

"Do you feel better now?" She asks once I pull myself away from her. Her own puffy red eyes search my face, and I'm sure I'm quite the sight.

"Yeah, actually. Thank you." I wipe the slowly drying tear streaks off my face with my fists.

"No problem." She smiles warmly, her eyes still glued to my face. "This may sound weird, but you're kind of really beautiful when you've been crying. I've never seen you so emotional. It was kind of refreshing, I guess."

"I think that's a good sign. If I can let it all out, maybe I won't be so scared."

"I've spent a lot of nights fantasizing about us getting back together, and how it would all play out." She turns her head, staring out the window before going on. "I never imagined it would be so difficult, and I feel like I still have a long ways to go to get you. The finish line isn't even in sight yet."

"I think things will work out in your favor. Time just isn't on your side right now though." I tell her.

"Are you even on my side?" She says through clenched teeth. She's not angry, just frustrated.

"Of course I am, but I need to do what feels right. Dropping my life to be with you doesn't feel like the right thing to do right now. We've only been back in each other's lives for a few months now, and I think we have to kind of get to know each other again. I'm not the same person I was, and I don't think you are either."

"I thought twins were supposed to understand each other. I don't get you at all." She sighs and falls back against the mattress, giving 's only morning and I've already knocked all the fight she had in her for the day out.

"I'm sorry." I place a gentle hand on her knee, the hair there now soft and not prickly due to two months of not shaving. "Why don't we get ready for the day and we'll spend it together? We can see a movie or go shopping. We won't talk, or even think, about us as more than sisters just hanging out, okay? We'll be normal, and it'll be good for us."

"No Emy? And I can get the big bucket of popcorn? With extra butter?" She mutters against my pillow, trying to hide her excitement.

I nod, giving her knee a squeeze. I shouldn't use it to my advantage but it was just so easy to cheer her up with the prospect of food and a day with me.

"Like our first date!" She squeals and sits up a little too fast. Her arms press down into the mattress to steady herself, then she flings herself out of bed as fast as her body will let her. "Will you help me wrap my arm? I can't get it wet in the shower."

"Of course." I smile, and follow her into the bathroom. I don't have the heart to tell her the day won't end like our first date did.

I help Tegan out of her clothes and slide the plastic bag up her arm, squeeze all the air out, and tape it shut. She's too excited to even care that she's completely nude around me while I'm still dressed. Thankfully she's also too excited to notice me check out her backside as she steps into the shower. How long was I going to let my fears hold me back from that cute butt being mine? I envied Tegan being able to think with her heart, not her brain.

I sit on the counter and wait, just incase she loses her balance or something, and needs help. Not even a minute passes by before there's a loud thunk from her dropping a bottle and then a loud angry groan.

"Sara?" She calls, checking to see if I'm still in here.

"Yeah?"

"Can you, uhm, can you just wash me? It's too hard with only one hand."

"Okay."

She shuts the water off, throws the shower curtain open and plops down on the floor of the tub. The excitement gone, she hugs her knees to her chest to hide as much of her bare self as she can. I fill the tub with water and unlatch the removable shower head to wet her hair. She grumbles the entire time about this not being fair and that I should be naked too while I shampoo and condition her hair. I grab a clean rag out of the closet and squeeze body wash onto it, beginning to rub circles across her back, the suds filling the tub with bubbles.

"Stand up." I instruct.

She complies and I wash her arms, moving across her prominent collar bones and down to her chest. She blushes as her nipples harden under my touch, and I try my best to act like it's no big deal. I quickly move down to her stomach and then her feet, washing up her legs that she squeezes together as tight as she can.

"Tegan." I tap her leg, waiting for her to spread them.

"I have reached the lowest of lows." She mumbles as she spreads her feet apart.

"It's nothing I haven't seen, or done, before." I wash between her legs then drop the rag to the bottom of the tub.

"That was in a completely different context though. This is just embarrassing." She groans as I rinse her off and hold a towel out for her to walk into. I dry her off and lead her back into the bedroom, letting her pick out an outfit.

"Well break my arm and you can wash me." I joke.

"I'm not above doing that." She deadpans, and we both giggle, allowing the mood to lighten.

We work together effortlessly getting her dressed for a fresh start to a hopefully enjoyable day. And as abnormal as things are right now, it feels comfortable and strangely, somehow normal.