A/N: Thank you so much to all those who made me smile after the last chap, including the anons who passed through my screening process. You're all very much appreciated and I wish I could send you each a hug. : D Ky03elk, you would be first in line today!

Please keep in mind this is season 2, before Kate's shooting and her subsequent disappearing act. All the introspection of the past chapters, and the next few, is about those kinds of untested waters, hence the angsty, slower pace of this.

Finally, this chapter includes a touchy subject, which I did my best to approach sensitively.

CHAPTER 21

Kate was adamant that her partner needed to listen, to understand that there were parts of her she'd hidden from him, not just events but also her knee-jerk reaction to them. After that he could decide what he really wanted and she would honor it. Maybe they could have a shot at resuming a working partnership then inch towards more as she worked on fixing the less healthy parts of herself. She wanted hard evidence rather than supposition that she could defy her aloof tendencies, otherwise her inadequate coping mechanisms could drag him down with her. But how long could she reasonably expect him to wait while she retested the darker parts of herself?

Castle's heart warmed at her confession even though she had meant it as a warning. "Kate, no matter what you say, you're not going to change how I feel about you."

She stayed on her stomach but finally faced his direction. "How can you even say that when you don't know what I'm going to tell you?"

"Because it's you."

Such a simple, loaded answer proved her point; he chose to see an idealized version of her when the reality fell well short. "You have to stop putting me on a pedestal, Rick."

"I don't, well not any more than is warranted." Before she could rebuff his praise he continued, "Look, I know you're not perfect. I'm certainly not and I know you have no illusions about that. I'm ready, Kate. But if you're not certain you are, nothing needs to be resolved today. We can just spend the weekend together and not have an agenda." He quirked his lip in a smile, "In fact it'd be refreshing not to have any hidden agenda when it comes to you."

She had to give him that, along with a smirk. "I'm not sure you hid your agenda very well anyway."

"True. But my new, very transparent agenda is to do your bidding this weekend, no strings attached; and we'll see what happens when it happens. I don't want to pressure you into anything."

"You're not pressuring me, Castle, and no matter what, I hope you do stay this weekend. But, I think at this point we're both agreed that whether or not things move forward right now, we don't want them to move backwards from where we were twenty-four hours ago. Right?"

"Agreed." He couldn't take the distance any longer and before he could talk himself out of it he started lightly rubbing slow circles on her back through the duvet. That was certainly not something he would have done twenty-four hours ago; but now touching her felt like their new normal.

After just a short drought of affection the warmth that flooded through her partner's hand felt so very welcome. Kate withheld a hum, but she did close her eyes and bask in the comfort before she made herself break the silence. She was on a mission after all and if she wanted a shot at a long-term relationship with him she couldn't back down now. "Okay, um, I'm going to finish my story then we'll decide where to go from here."

"You don't have to, you know."

"Castle," she said flatly.

"Okay, okay, go on." He considered pulling his hand away but he waited to see if she'd allow him to keep it there. She did and it felt like a win.

"Anyway, Kozloff's operation had quieted down right after the bust then slowly ramped up again over the following years. In 2006, there was a body in our jurisdiction - Kozloff's right hand man. I recognized him at the crime scene so I was taken off the homicide part of the case and put back in undercover. Royce had retired. I was fine going back in but Esposito was not thrilled about it. He and Montgomery had words but Cap said if I didn't object, he wouldn't either. Espo and I had been partnered up for a few years by then so we were pretty tight and he was more reluctant than before to stand by as they threw me to the wolves. Montgomery had confidence in the mission, and in me, but he still transferred Espo to Vice for the case too so he could watch my back. Ryan's partner, Miller, the team lead at the time, had just gone on leave for a back injury so Montgomery had Ryan work the murder with another Homicide team."

Castle cringed, knowing nothing good was going to come of this. He didn't know when his hand had stopped moving, but he tried to resume a consistent cadence as to not draw attention to how he was reacting. He attempted to keep his tone as even as his movements when he asked, "How long until you were made?"

"One week. There were a few other cops that were in the organization by then. Vice had started wondering about a leak but they didn't say anything to Montgomery because they knew it made it more risky for me to go in. They didn't want Montgomery to pull me. I went back to the Kozloff's bar, made a grand entrance, and before I knew it he was handing me a shot of vodka. I was right where I'd been three years before. I got my old 'job' back, but the whole atmosphere was . . . off. Slovan was tense and I attributed that to him being nervous for my welfare or worried that I'd break his cover. I didn't have a chance to talk with him one-on-one so I kept an eye on him; watched my back, and his."

She fixed her gaze on the triangle made by the mattress, the headboard, and her partner's back as he leant against it. He gave her the courtesy of looking out the window as she spoke.

"Turns out Kozloff already knew Slovan was a cop. He was acting cagey because he was playing both sides, but only getting paid handsomely for it by the Russians."

"That's what you were supposed to tell Esposito in your dream? That he was the mole?"

She nodded. "I think Slovan was conflicted at first when I came back in. He hadn't confessed to Kozloff before then that I was a cop. We had good report back in '03 and he wouldn't willingly put a target on my back. When I became a liability he had to weigh my safety versus self-preservation. It was just a matter of time." The pain of the betrayal bled through her words. "He lasted six days. It was a Tuesday night; bad weather so it was slow. He waited until the bar was mostly empty and made an excuse to follow me downstairs to the storeroom. I thought it was so we could compare notes. He'd disabled the surveillance equipment earlier in the evening but since it was just the two of us there was no need for the team to worry that anything was going down. We were cut off. I asked him how he was holding up and instead of answering he gave me a right hook to the eye, followed closely by a punch. I tried to block it but only knocked it off center; he still split my lip." She subconsciously licked the spot. "He swept my leg and I hit my head on a shelf on the way down. I was so caught off guard that he disarmed me and pinned me down before I knew what was happening. Just imagine how surprised you'd be if Karpowski suddenly attacked you. It was that unexpected. I thought I knew the guy after spending three months undercover with him and I couldn't believe he'd turn on the NYPD or me. Turned out Kozloff started slipping Slovan drugs in his drinks and got him addicted to guarantee his loyalty through dependence."

Castle's hand stopped and Kate felt the pressure increase as he asked with a hitch, "How . . . how did you escape?"

She knew her partner wasn't a threat but she started to feel trapped by the weight on her back. She reached awkwardly behind her for his arm and gently followed it down as he retracted his hand and rested it between them. She knew he understood; but he was likely still feeling rejected so she slid her fingers down until they rested on his forearm. It was physical contact that she could control.

"I . . . uh . . . didn't. Not right away. Kozloff came into the room, saw Slovan pinning me to the floor, and put the pieces together. He laughed this terrible laugh." She shuddered and Castle felt so useless since he couldn't do a single thing to comfort her. "I was concentrating on staying conscious while trying to figure out what to do. I grabbed for Kozloff's other leg but both men pulled their guns on me."

Castle fisted the duvet with such ferocity that his knuckles where white. It was taking everything within him to stay quiet and still.

She breathed heavily a few times but her voice never wavered. "Before I knew it I was restrained; lying on the ground, hands above my head. The cuffs were looped around a metal support for the shelving unit and Kozloff was kicking me in the ribs, interrogating me in Russian. I refused to answer and kept my eyes trained on Slovan, hoping he'd have some shred of a conscience left. He didn't come to my rescue but he'd put away his weapon and at least he had the courtesy not to enjoy the show. He made the mistake of not securing my feet so once he paced close enough to me I swept him with my legs. Once Slovan went down, Kozloff kicked me harder." She flinched involuntarily as she'd done in her sleep. "Slovan tied my feet and sat on them. Then Kozloff switched tactics. He decided that if I wasn't going to be useful for information, I'd be useful in other ways . . ."

Kate curled and extended shaky fingers against her partner's arm. Castle felt like he was going to throw up. He wanted to wrap her up tightly so no one could ever hurt her again then, beat the crap out of those guys. He fancied himself her savior, believing that her welfare was his birthright. Yet, he never felt more impotent. And boy did he ever hate that adjective.

She hadn't continued so he figured the least he could do was help her get through it. He cleared his throat and asked in a faltering voice, "Kate, did he . . ." When it came right down to it, he couldn't say the words.

Her fingers and thumb held firmly to his arm. "No, Rick, no. But that was the most terrifying moment of my life. He . . . uh, he popped open the buttons on my shirt, one by one, threatening very graphic ways to torture me with each pop."

It was the first time she'd ever admitted that much out loud. After she'd filed a report, she'd wanted to bury it and no one had dared to ask her to clarify a single point. Castle noticed goose bumps appear along her arm. He filled in the blanks; that Kozloff had taken some liberties as he unbuttoned her shirt. It made his blood boil and his heart break.

She cleared her throat then continued, "Next thing I knew Esposito was busting down the door with a team behind him. I've never seen him so angry. He shot Kozloff in the arm, jolting his hand off of me. Then, Espo took his jacket off and covered me with it in record time. He turned his attention to Slovan, who had jumped to attention and actually tried to talk his way out of it, saying he was just holding my feet to maintain his cover. Espo was furious. He punched him and had all the team escort both prisoners out."

Castle kept alternating his blurred gaze from her to the window, distress building with every shift of focus.

"Javi freed me then gave me a minute to pull myself together before calling for the EMTs."

She skimmed over the rescue. It was bad enough that Esposito had witnessed it and Ryan had been briefed as soon as he got to the hospital. She didn't want to recount for Castle what a mess she'd been during the rescue and plant that image in his mind too. He was anguished enough so she ended the play-by-play there.

"That's . . ." The writer had no words for what she'd gone through. He wanted so badly to cocoon her in a futile attempt to erase the memories.

Concern flowed out of him and blanketed her, but she was determined to keep herself from getting immersed in feeling that helplessness again. She continued with less personal details. "That night Slovan had just enough meth in his system to be paranoid but not enough for me to recognize the signs. I was going to ruin everything for him and he reacted impulsively. Kozloff had made bodies disappear before and Slovan reasoned he could do it again to get rid of me."

"Kozloff had to know there would be reinforcements coming."

"The storeroom had crates that could have held a small-" She almost said 'body' then thought better of it. "-person and he was arrogant enough to think that he could've had someone remove me in plain sight after he was done . . . interrogating me, thankfully it never got that far and I never had to see the inside of any container."

By the time she looked up his head was cradled in his free hand, elbow anchored to his drawn knee. She knew he was willing himself to be okay, to be stronger for her than he felt. She slid her hand along his arm to make sure he heard her next words. "Rick, he didn't- I got out."

"You still have nightmares." He felt the warmth of her slender fingers and thumb as they vacillated along his skin.

"Only because I'm injured. The dreams don't normally get far, and anyway you woke me up right away."

He straightened with a sudden thought. "Oh, Kate. Oh no!" He was reeling and feeling for all the world like jumping off the bed and declaring himself unworthy of any and all affection from her ever again. "After going through all that you still went into that poker game with Russian mobsters to rescue me? No wonder Esposito was pissed at me that night! I'm pissed at me!"

He remembered making light of that moment not an hour before and was mortified. 'That was so hot.' Castle wished he could take back his words.

He pulled out of her grasp and scrubbed both hands down his face. He used them to bracket his forehead so she couldn't see his expression. She'd shifted her hand to his side when he closed in on himself. He was nearly hyperventilating.

"Hey, Castle, no." She hadn't intended for him to draw a parallel and she certainly hadn't taken offense at anything he'd said. In fact, during that case he'd impressed her with how far he would go to get back in her good graces. "When have you ever known me to not flirt when a case called for it? It's a tool in my arsenal and, I might add, I can be pretty distracting when I want to be. Anyway, now if I walk into a situation like that you and the guys are always hovering. That night you were making your grand gesture to close the case; stupidly risky grand gesture, granted, but your heart was in the right place. We all knew sending you in was the right move but I made the unilateral decision to go in after you." She shrugged. "I didn't hesitate because that time I had a partner on the inside with me. You had my back. Nothing was going to happen."

"You didn't know that."

"No, but even if something did happen, it's different when you're in the line of duty. The job doesn't make incidents okay, just not as . . . unexpected. Maybe easier to accept? Before that night in '06, no one could touch Kozloff. But because of what happened to me, we had reasonable cause to get warrants and his whole operation crumbled. Who knows how many kids were spared a drug-addicted parent because of what I did. That made it worth it to me."

The romantic in Castle was enamored with the cliché of a heroine who fought for the greater good at great personal expense. In reality, regardless of the outcome, the fact that Kate had gone through so much to become such an amazing woman wasn't just unfair, it just . . . well . . . sucked. Her past always affected her but she shoved it down deep; never wallowed in it. Instead, she chose to wield it as a force that propelled her to the ranks of the most honorable of law enforcers. Yet, one does not wield so great a weapon without battle fatigue and many, many scars.

"But it doesn't make it right."

"No, no it doesn't. But it also doesn't excuse what I did in the aftermath, how I treated people who cared about me. And I can't look you in the eye today and guarantee that I'll be able to handle intense situations any better now. It's unlikely that I'd ever be in that same position again but things happen and it's never easy for a cop to play the part of a victim. I lashed out and hurt a lot of people after the Kozloff case."

Castle pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to hide that he was also swiping gathered tears before they could fall. "I'm sure they understood, Kate."

She wanted to elaborate on all the ways she was culpable but she needed some distance and he needed a few moments to let everything sink in. He had an innate need to do something, to kiss her physical and emotional bruises and make them better, so she gave him a task.

"Castle, I could really use a shower. Could you help me to the bathroom?"

He tried to smile at her despite his bloodshot eyes. "Of course."

As they shuffled to the bathroom, Castle tried not to pull her in as close as humanly possible and she tried to be okay with so much contact after having bared her soul. It wasn't unwelcome, but leaning on people in any sense was not something she'd ever been comfortable with. He had just looked so tormented that the least she could do was try to kiss his bruises too.

When they reached the bathroom, she did not shift to hug him and he reluctantly let her go. Once she was balanced against the counter she turned to face him. He took a small step away from her then reached out and took her slender hands in each of his. Ten tender points kneaded her skin as they lifted the back of her hands to his lips. He closed his eyes and kissed each reverently.

"You're remarkable, Kate. You do know that, right?"

"No, Castle, not remarkable. I'm just a cop."

He held her eyes for a long moment before responding, "To me you'll never be just anything."