CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

THE BLING RING

Harry and his entourage entered the Gryffindor common room. There were bouncers.

"Prepare for trouble!" Fred bellowed.

"Make it double!" said George.

"To be unruly jackasses causing devastation!"

"Cause our father is the poorest bitch in the nation!"

"If you want some Weasley love!"

"You need to be fourth year or above!"

"Fred!"

"George!"

"Weasley twins fucking up your day aight!"

"Give us your money or prepare to die!"

"Lee Jordan, das right!" said Lee Jordan.

"Fred, George, my close friends and allies," Ron said. "It is good to see you."

Harry and Hermione helped themselves to food.

"Hey, slow your roll chief," said Fred. "You guys have to pay first."

Ron, Neville, and Seamus Finnigan were carded. Dean Thomas was stopped and frisked.

"Damn!" said Ron. "Chill out Carrot Top. You know I'm good for it."

"Hey guys, you know the rules," he said. "No exceptions, cash only."

Harry opened the wailing egg at Neville.

Neville shit his pants.

Hermione said, "Did you steal all this shit from the kitchens?"

"Yeah boy," said Fred, "hidden door behind a painting of an old man holding a bowl of fruit. Just tickle his pear, and he'll giggle and fart —"

Harry cut Care of Magical Crap and double gay Divination.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were in the Gryffindor Tower.

"I want to rob," Hermione said.

They broke into the kitchens.

An elf hurtled toward them.

"Look!" Harry gasped. "He got a weapon!"

They took out their wands.

"Whoa, wait a minute now," Hermione said. "Put the wand down."

The elf put his hands up.

"Wand?" squealed the elf. "What wand? Dobby not holding wand. Guys, it's Dobby. Harry Potter helped set Dobby free."

"I don't know you motherfucker!" said Hermione. "Now, put down the weapon! Put it down!"

"There is no weapon!" Dobby squealed. "Look!"

"Drop the weapon!" said Hermione.

"I," said Ron, "I don't see a weapon."

Winky stumbled over drunk.

"There is no weapon!" said Winky. "They're robbing the kitchen!"

"Dobby is not holding a weapon!" Dobby said. "Dobby is not holding a weapon!"

"Ron, this motherfucker's got a wand pointed at you!" said Hermione. "Do you want to die?"

"What?" Ron said.

"Do you want to die?" Hermione asked.

"I," Ron said, "I don't want to die!"

"Dobby does not have a wand!" Winky squeaked.

"He does have a wand, Ron, trust me!" Hermione shouted. "The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence!"

"I don't see a wand!" Ron said.

"Man, fuck this shit!" said Harry, pointing his wand at Ron. "Who's side are you on? Mine, or this motherfucker who's obviously of terrorist descent?"

"Wait, I think I can see the wand now," Ron said.

"Good!" Hermione said. "Now we all see the weapon! Now you hand over that weapon on the count of three, or I swear to almighty God, I'll blow your fucking head off! One!"

"Dobby can't give you a weapon I'm not holding!" said Dobby. "Miss is thinking of the troll shop, north of here."

"Two!" Hermione said.

"Is he still holding it?" said Ron.

"Dobby is not holding a weapon!" Winky squeaked.

"Time's up!" said Hermione.

They fucked up the kitchen.

The help came out of the backroom firing.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione subdued the pipsqueak motherfuckers. They loaded up on food.

"I only tell you one time," Harry said. "Don't fuck me, Dobby. Don't you ever try to fuck me."

"Such is life," Dobby said.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione left the kitchens.

"I'm a firm believer in karma and I think this situation was attracted into my life as a huge learning lesson for me to grow and expand as a spiritual human being," said Hermione. "I want to lead a huge charity organization. I want to lead a country one day for all I know."