Chapter 21: Heartbroken

Basically I'm a horrible person and have been sitting on this chapter for like a month. I had one draft written out and I hated it with a passion. Then I rewrote it and still hated it. Now I give up and I'm posting this. Hopefully it's not as dreadful as I think it is and some of you enjoy it. Erg.

Heartbroken

Def'n: intensely unhappy or disappointed because of something that has happened

Jim stared down at his beer bottle and lolled his head back against the back of the chair he was sitting in.

"Fuck!" he yelled as he threw the bottle into the dining room. It shattered against the wall and he looked over to see the beer spreading across the wood floor. He let out a sigh and rubbed a hand over his face and through his hair. "What have I done?"

Jim couldn't hear Pam from his place in the living room, but she almost hoped he would hear her cries in the bedroom. She was curled up in a ball on the floor, tears pouring from her eyes. She knew she had to leave, but she couldn't bring herself to get up and do it. Her life had become a soap opera and she couldn't shake the feeling that things were wrong, things weren't working like they should. She closed her eyes, pushing more tears from them. She could feel sleep overtaking her again and soon found herself succumbing to it.

She listened to the music she didn't pick while his mother added pins to the hairstyle she didn't want. No, it wasn't that she didn't like it – it was pretty enough – but HE liked her hair down. She wanted it left down. The braids and the twist were all too much – and now she could feel the pins sticking into her scalp like needles. She let a couple tears fall onto her cheeks while she looked in the mirror again.

She hated this dress. It wasn't the one she had picked. She thought she looked like a meringue with lace. It was too big and too much. She looked like a princess – not in a good way. She wanted simple. She didn't want this. Her future mother-in-law was gone now and she stood in front of the mirror alone. She looked down at the cascade bouquet and can't remember for the life of her how she came to have this one when she had picked a peony one before.

She glanced up when she heard the door open. Shouldn't he be out front? No. That's the groom's place. "What are you doing here?"

"I had to see you before you go out there." His voice was laid back and smooth as it always was. He had on a nice suit, nicer than the ones he wore to work. She smiled that he had left his hair slightly shaggy and unkempt like usual.

"Why?" She hasn't turned around, but watches him approach her in the mirror.

"How can you go through with it?" He shakes his at her slightly and though she wants to turn around, she's not sure she can face him.

"I don't." She's getting confused. She was never here. She never even made it to the church. She never even made it past the weekend after he told her he loved her.

"Yes you do. That's why you're here. You're marrying Roy, not me. That's why you're here."

"No." She shakes her head. She didn't marry Roy. She's marrying him. She has to marry him.

"You're marrying Roy. The man you want to be with. The man you love. You don't love me. You won't marry me. You don't want to be with me." Jim's voice doesn't sound accusing, but defeated.

"No. I don't marry Roy. I don't belong with him. I love you. I want to marry you. I want to be with you." She has tears running over her cheeks, blurring her vision. She can still see him standing there. She waits for him to say something, but he doesn't. "I made a mistake that night. I should have never said I'd marry him. I loved you then and I love you now. You're the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to marry you. I want a family with you. I want to grow old with you. All I've ever really wanted was you."

"That's all I needed to hear."

She turns at the voice. It's not his. No, it's her own. She's not looking into Jim's familiar eyes, but her own. She stands before herself – this new Pam's a little worse for the wear, but finally knows what she wants – and knows that this old Pam – the one marrying the wrong man, wearing the wrong dress, with the wrong hairstyle, with the wrong bouquet – isn't her. This new Pam is. The one in love with Jim Halpert. The one having his child. The one that will marry him. And that's when she hears it. A slight tapping on the door and his voice, quiet and apologetic, and she knows she's finally making the right decision.

"Pam?" He knocked again. "Pam, baby, open the door please. I'm sorry. I'm an asshole. Just please open the door so we can talk."

Pam stood from her position on the floor and, after wiping the tears from her cheeks, went to open the door. She unlocked it, pulled it open slowly, and leaned against it. She looked up at him, but didn't smile.

"Pam-"

"Who was that this morning? Hmm? Was that the real you, cause if it was, then I'm leaving right now and not coming back," she spoke quietly and slowly, trying not to cry again.

"Pam, I honestly have no idea who that was. That isn't me. You know me."

"I thought I did, but this morning, the man out there? That wasn't you. If it were anyone, that was – that was not you." She couldn't even say the name of the man she didn't marry.

He looked back up at her and locked their eyes, "That man will never, ever come back, I swear. I will never do that to you again. I made a mistake. A huge one."

"You know what I did this morning?"

"Hmm?"

"I woke up in the middle of the night and just looked at you. I watched you sleep. And then it hit me, things are different now. I don't have to be ashamed that I love you. I don't have to hide the fact that I want to be with you. I don't have to worry about what people will think when I talk to you or touch you or spend time with you. But see, that's the problem." She turned and made her way to the bed, sitting on the edge and waiting for him to follow. "I can barely remember the time before Roy. Hell, I have a hard time remembering the time before I knew you. None of that really matters. Not really. To me, all that really matters now is you, me, and the baby. Truth is, that scares the shit out of me. Jim, I don't know what I'm doing and you being this way is making it that much harder. I just – I need you not be that way. I need you to know that I love you and I want to marry you, but right now, I can't handle all of this."

"Pam-"

"I think I'm gonna go to my mom's for a while." She hadn't looked at him since she sat down, but now she looked up to see his worried face.

"Pam, are you-"

"I'm not leaving you. I'm just, I'm leaving this for a little while. I'm gonna call into the office tomorrow and take a couple sick days. I need some time away." She stood up and made her way to the closet.

Jim just sat in his spot on the bed and looked at the floor. He never imagined she's walk away from him like this, but in the back of his mind, he couldn't find one reason to blame her.

Heartbroken

Def'n: Jim and Pam

I'm a review whore. 'Specially when I'm worried about how a chapter is. Trust me, my intention is not to run JAM fans out of town, I just want Jim and Pam to not have a dream-like relationship (maybe cause I'm mean, but hey, it's kinda realistic, right?).