I do not own Glee or anything related to it
"Will you spend the night?" Rachel asked when the credits rolled on Legally Blonde. Quinn had insisted on watching it and Rachel had finally caved.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Quinn asked.
"No, but this is my first night back in my bed and I'm not sure I will be able to sleep without you there." Rachel was mostly scared of being alone. She was afraid all her insecurities would come back as soon as the blonde left her along with her thoughts.
"You know I will, I just don't want it to do more harm than good." Quinn said and Rachel could see that she was actually scared to stay the night.
"It won't do any harm. Come on, let's go get in bed and we can talk some more." Rachel put out her hand and Quinn took it, their hands fitting perfectly together. Rachel led her up the stairs and into her room. They quickly changed into their pajamas and laid down on the bed. Quinn had laid her head on Rachel's chest and was lightly drawing circles on Rachel's stomach. Rachel couldn't help but smile at how natural it felt to be lying there with the blond. She wanted to be with the other girl so badly but she knew she couldn't. At least not until Rachel was doing better. The brunette felt awful for scaring the blonde. Santana said that Rachel had scared the shit out of the Latina, so she could only imagine how scared Quinn had been.
"Rachel, can I ask you something?" Quinn asked.
"Anything." Rachel answered, feeling a tad nervous.
"Why did you lie to me?"
"About what?" Rachel asked, a little confused.
"The cutting. You said you stopped while you were seeing Ms. Pillsbury, but you didn't. You just pushed me away instead and said you were on your period. Why did you do that?"
"How did you know that?" Rachel couldn't remember ever telling Quinn that she had continued cutting and she knew for a fact she didn't mention that she had covered it by saying it was that time of the month.
"I didn't leave after you told me to go away in the hospital. I overheard you and your Santana. I'm sorry.
"Oh right, I forgot I had that conversation with her. Quinn, I figured you were still out there. You're not big at doing what I tell you." Rachel started stroking the blonde's hair.
"Right. Why did you do it? You scared me so much, Rachel. Please don't ever do that again." Quinn started crying.
"I'm so sorry. I was just so upset and you had, um, well you know with Santana and I was blaming myself and hating myself so much. I just grabbed the razor and pushed down. I wasn't paying attention. I didn't even think it was that bad until I did the other wrist. I felt myself getting dizzy and then I passed out. Quinn, honey, I'm not going to do it again. Ok? I won't scare you like that again. I'm sorry." Rachel hated talking about this, but she knew Quinn needed to hear it.
"Why do you hate yourself so much? You are so amazing. Why can't you see that?" Quinn asked and Rachel wasn't sure what to say. There was no way for Quinn to understand why she felt the way she did.
"Have you ever had someone tell you something so many times that you start to believe it?" She felt Quinn shrug her shoulders. "Well, I have heard how ugly I am, or how much of a freak I am or a loser for so long, that I'm not sure I am able to believe anything else." Rachel didn't mention the pornographic pictures on the bathroom wall or all the comments on her MySpace page that she knew were courtesy of the girl lying on her chest. Quinn pushed up the bottom of Rachel's tank top just enough so she could continue drawing circle's on Rachel's bare skin. It made the brunette feel safe, though she couldn't explain why.
"I'm sorry I ever did that to you. I'm so so sorry I caused you that much pain. Rachel you are the most incredible person I have ever met and I care about you more than anything. You believe that right?" Quinn asked and Rachel could feel her tense up a little bit.
"Sometimes I believe it. The other night I didn't, but other times I do. Sometimes you smile at me and take my hand in Glee or when you lay on my chest and trace circles on my stomach, and I know how much you care about me. Then there are other times when I see the old Quinn in your eyes. Times when I know you are annoyed at me about something I have said and for a split second, I see that Quinn who tortured me for fun flash across your face. I question how much you care about me then."
Quinn stopped her fingers and looked up into Rachel's eyes. "There is nothing and I mean nothing that you do or say that I find annoying. Ok? There is no part of me that has any desire to ever cause you any kind of pain ever again. You are beautiful and talented and you make my heart so happy. I just wish I could get you to believe me."
"You slept with Santana." Rachel wished so much that she could just let that go, but that was a big reason she couldn't believe the blonde's words right now.
"I know." Quinn said almost silently.
"It's hard for me to believe that you care about me so much when it was so easy for you to go and screw her, especially since we haven't done that. It makes me think you resent me for having not been ready to have sex. If you really cared about me that much, how could it have been so easy for you to go to Santana." Rachel said as Quinn's hazel eyes pierced her own brown ones.
"I was so hurt and angry." Quinn said as she sat up to face Rachel. The brunette hated the loss of warmth now that the girl was no longer lying on her. "You had said you didn't trust me, so I decided to give you a reason to not trust me."
"Quinn, that doesn't make sense," Rachel said.
"Yeah, my brain doesn't really think things through when I'm angry. Anyways, I was so angry and Santana was drunk and hurt and it just seemed like a good idea at the time. I miss sex, Rachel, I do, but I would never ever push you into something you weren't ready for. I know when we have sex, it's going to be amazing because of how much we care about each other. I don't want you thinking that I resent you. Ever. Ok?" Quinn said looking deep into Rachel's eyes. Rachel knew the girl was telling the truth.
"Ok." Rachel said as Quinn laid back down on her chest and resumed touching her stomach. It was quiet for a few moments and Rachel decided to mess with the girl a little bit. "I'm ready, you know?"
"Ready?" Quinn asked and Rachel felt the blonde's heart beat faster.
"To have sex with you." Rachel was ready, but she knew it would drive the blonde crazy for a little while and Rachel found this to be quite entertaining. Quinn sat up again and looked at Rachel.
"Really?" Quinn asked and Rachel couldn't help but laugh at the eagerness in the girl's face.
"Yes, really. I was ready like a month ago, but I knew we were going to do anything until one of us said 'I love you,' and then all this drama happened so I just never got around to telling you that I was ready." Rachel swore she could see Quinn's mouth watering. "Quinn stop those dirty thoughts. We are not having sex tonight." Quinn's face fell and Rachel burst out laughing.
"Well I'm glad at least you think you are funny." Quinn said as she started pouting.
"Yes, I do think I'm funny actually." Rachel said as Quinn once again resumed her position on Rachel's chest.
"Well you aren't." Quinn said as she started tracing her fingers again, this time a little lower.
"You aren't going to get me to cave by touching me any lower. Not that I mind the feeling of your fingers on my skin, but seriously we are going to wait to do anything, even kissing, for a few weeks. Are you ok with that?" Rachel asked.
"Of course. I want to be with you again so much, but I completely get why you think we should wait. I want you to be happy and stop hating yourself. I want you to love yourself as much as I do." Quinn said and Rachel felt like her heart would explode.
"So you love me?" Rachel asked.
"You know I do," Quinn said as she moved her fingers a little lower.
"Stop moving your fingers down," Rachel said as she grabbed Quinn's hand and laced their fingers together. "You aren't going to win."
Quinn laughed, "I know, I just thought I would torture you a little bit."
"I'm sorry you're having to deal with me and all my issues. I know it's not fair to you. If you want to walk away, you can. I wouldn't blame you." Rachel said. She hated that she couldn't be the person Quinn wanted her to be. At least not for now. She wasn't able to be happy and confident. She just hated herself so much.
"Rachel, I wish so much that I could make you believe me when I say that I want to be with you more than anything. You are not screwed up. Everyone has issues. Hello? I'm pregnant with Puck's kid and you still want to be with me, knowing that you are going to end up being a mom too for the rest of your life. Assuming we stay together I mean, which I honestly think we will. We all have things that mess with our lives. You just have to learn from them and move on. I'm glad you are getting help and you seem to really want to get better. I can't ask for anything more and I won't. You are mine, issues or none. Got it?" Quinn asked as she rubbed circles into Rachel's hand.
"Yes," Rachel said. She was trying so hard to believe the girl who was lying on her chest. "I want Glee club to know. Well at least the girls, which is pretty much just Tina and Mercedes since the married couple already knows," Rachel said referring to Santana and Brittany.
"They should get married, shouldn't they?" Quinn said laughing, "I think you should tell them. They care about you."
"I guess. Why don't you bring the other 4 over tomorrow? We can rehearse our Spice Girls number and we can all talk. I should get back from therapy around the same time you get out of school." Rachel said mentioning therapy for the first time.
"Do you like therapy?" Quinn asked.
"Not really. It's one thing to talk to you about everything but talking to a complete stranger is awful. I just feel like she is judging. I know she isn't but she asks questions and then continues to stare at me long after I have answered her. It's a little creepy." Rachel really didn't like it when the lady did that, but she did like the doctor. She hoped it would get a little bit more comfortable the more she went.
"I don't think I would like that either. I'm glad that you are trying. I'm really proud of you." Quinn said and Rachel felt herself blush.
"It's late and you have to get up early. We should get some sleep." Rachel said as she shifted her and Quinn down a little so they were lying flat and Quinn pulled up the covers a little.
"Thanks for letting me spend the night. Not being near you has been driving me crazy." Quinn said.
"It's been driving me crazy too. I've missed you being in my arms. Goodnight, honey." Rachel said as she closed her eyes.
"Goodnight, sweetie." Quinn said and Rachel smiled knowing that even though it was going to take a while for Rachel to completely believe it, Quinn really did love her.