A/N: There are a lot of people who take the time to read this story, but not a lot that take the time to review it… so if you read the story, please review.. It'll make me crank the chapters out that much quicker!!
Review review please and thank you!!!
Tell me what you think.
Chapter 21: Heaven on earth
I had lost all hope. There was nothing left. Bella didn't want me, she had moved on. With, I shuddered, that dog. It couldn't be.
How could she have moved on with a werewolf? She was supposed to move on and have a normal happy human life not get involved with a werewolf.
And defiantly not my sworn enemy. Granted the whole enemies thing was nothing of our doing, but through nature itself. We were created to destroy each other. Werewolves were around to do one thing and one thing only. Protect the normal world from our kind.
Charlie checked on Bella twice more before heading to bed.
The last time was the hardest to watch.
He bent down next to Bella' bed, and kissed her forehead. I thought that was going to be the end of it. But then he kneeled down on the floor and put his head on her arm.
He prayed for god to help her get through this. Get over me, and not let me ruin her progress.
But mostly he prayed that his little girl wouldn't leave him.
She would always be his little girl.
It struck hard, for I had that same prayer. But I knew mine would not be answered. No matter how much I prayed to god that Bella wouldn't leave me. My prayers would not be heard.
There was slightly good news though. He was no longer filled with rage, no longer angry. He was concerned, and worried about Bella. Worried about what this would do to her. I saw it all clearly in his head. The zombie that Bella had become. The lifeless colorless, shell. The week she did nothing, the rest of the time trying to put on a good show for his sake, but failing miserably. She was never really good at lying. She tried to appear as normal as possible. He hadn't seen any one try so hard.
Suddenly Alice's vision came into my mind. The visions she showed me, they must of all come true. The pain the suffering. Not only for Bella but for Charlie. I saw the pain he went through, the suffering he went through, not knowing what to do, how to make things better. All he could do was sit and watch his daughter fall apart. She didn't take phone calls, or go out with friends, she barely ate and never laughed or smiled. Anything that had to do with me she avoided. Anything at all that would remind her of me. What had I done? I had destroyed her, destroying myself also. But I meant nothing. i knew the pain I would suffer, but Bella?
Charlie hated me and for good reason. I hated myself. I had put myself in pure agony the last six months, hoping and praying Bella was ok and would move on. But hoping all the while she wouldn't. I was a selfish horrible monster. I realize now I wanted to hold onto Bella even though I left, but at what cost? I had caused her so much pain. She was as lifeless as I was. The last six months had been pure agonizing torture. I thought it was just me, but now I know the truth. I had caused Bella so much pain. I hurt the only person I wanted to save. The irony of it, I left to save her, protect her and keep her from harm. Give her a happy normal life, give her the chance to move on and be happy. In reality I had ruined her life.
Charlie also thought about Jacob Black. He knew nothing of the animal within, but he thought very highly of him. He had helped Bella through this. He was starting to see the old Bella come out, the happier Bella, all because of Jacob. Although there was still hope. Charlie thought about recent events. And how Jacob had treated Bella.
I needed that hope. She had moved on, but it didn't work. Hope was for fools, then I was the biggest fool of all. that's all I seemed to have these last few days, hope.
Hope that I would be reunited with Bella in the after life. Which turned into hope that we all would make it out alive, or at least Bella would. Hope that she wouldn't be too affected by the recent events in Volterra. Hope that she would still want me in her life. Hope that she would still love and need me.
That was all I seemed to have lately.
His last thought was that he was glad he had banned me from the house.
Like that could ever keep me away from Bella. I lightly laughed at the humor. I didn't want Charlie to hate me, but I knew that at this very moment, me being here was not what he hated about me. He hated what I had done. And so did I. he had every right to hate me for what I had done. I was a monster for it.
Charlie drifted off to sleep shortly after. Leaving me to my thoughts.
I contemplated all the things I had heard.
I had destroyed her with the best of intentions.
I slowly got up from my spot. I kneeled on the floor next to Bella's bed. I grabbed her hand gently and began to caress the top with my thumb. I took in a deep breath, taking in her scent.
I brought her hand up to my lips and kissed it gently. I sighed, there was only one thing I could do now. I was that desperate, or maybe just that crazy.
"God. I really feel like a jack ass for talking to myself. But Carlisle believes there's an afterlife. Charlie seemed to have no problem or doubt in to doing this. So maybe just maybe you can hear me. Hope right?" I laughed lightly making sure not to wake Bella. "I didn't want this life. I didn't choose it. I don't blame Carlisle for this either. He was doing what he thought best like he always does. If there is no room for me or my kind, at least consider him." I sighed again, this was pointless. "Bella is my life, she always will be my life, my only reason for existing. I have tried to do the right thing with what I was given. I tried to do the right thing by Bella, but it back fired. I did more harm than good. I see that now. I was willing to risk my happiness for her to have a normal happy life. All I did in the process was ruin and make her life miserable. I understand if she's not happy with me, but. Ugh,. I guess what I'm trying to say is, please don't take her away from me again. I thought I lost her once, and it nearly destroyed me. Literally. Just don't take her away from me. If I cant have her love me, than please, at least let me have some part."
Now that I felt like a totally idiot. I pushed myself up onto the bed. I sat next to Bella rubbing her arm gently. Pushing the hair away from her face.
I silently got up from the bed. I couldn't believe what I had just done. I guess I saw Charlie do it, and he had so much hope in it. I mean what did I have to loose?
I sat down in the rocking chair and began to think about how I could make things right with Bella. She doubted that I loved her. I agonized over the final words I had used to make her doubt me. 'I don't want you' I had said it, but how could she believe it. More importantly how could I convince and prove to her that I didn't mean it. Once the seed of doubt is planted, it sprouts roots and becomes damn near impossible to destroy.
She had believed the lie but never the truth. I sighed and got up. I was away from her for to long. I wasn't going to waste the maybe last few hours that I had with her sitting on a chair.
I slide into the bed next to her and gently wrapped my arms around her. Holding her close to me. It was heaven. Or as close to heaven as I could get. I couldn't ask or pray for anything more. I laid there next to her, listening to her breath. Taking in her scent letting in consume me. It was everything I had remembered and yet so much more.
Bella sighed and moved a lot in her sleep. I laid there wishing I could know what she was thinking, but also knowing that I never would be able to.
'Jacob." she mumbled. The sudden voice of hers surprised me. Then angered me. It was Jacob she called for, not me. 'I have to go Jake.' I stopped breathing. Trying not to move her. Hoping with all hope she would finish. Give me something to go on. I was filled with sudden pain and regret, I had left her, and she had moved on. She used to say my name, nightly. But I had been replaced. Jealousy raged within me. I tried to will her to believe me, "I love you Bella." I whispered.
My efforts were fruitless.
Jacob came to her lips again.
She seemed to be getting irritated now. She was moving a lot more. "Jake." she almost was yelling. I gently went to slid my arms out from away from her. This would just be torture. The sooner I prepared myself for the loss the easier it would be. Even I didn't believe it though.
"I love him!" she almost growled. I froze in place. The him caught my attention. The wolf would know what I was, and he would hate me just for that. Did he fight with her about me? And what I was?
I sat there for what felt like forever. I wanted to wake her and plead with her to continue. Who did she love? Me or the dog? Or was it someone else?
Suddenly the sound was like music to my ears.
"Edward." she had finally said my name. it took me a few seconds to believe it.
A smile widened across my face. She had spoken my name. it still didn't mean she hadn't moved on with the dog. But at least she had said it. She loved me. At least subconsciously. My insides were churning. Nervous and anxious. Would she still feel the same way awake? Would she still want me? No. she couldn't. I was a monster. Guilt washed over me. I had left her, and in return I had left her in a cold dead state. A lifeless shell of the Bella I once loved. She did look a mess, paler than usual, empty, she had lost some weight, a bit more fragile and breakable. I had caused this, the pain the agony, the reason she had given up on me was because of me. I had left her, and she had moved on, like I had intended. But I really didn't mean it.
How could I be so stupid!
"Edward, please." she begged. Knocking me out of my thoughts.
I was getting impatient. I didn't like not knowing.
Please what?
"Please." she repeated.
"anything." I whispered. I would do and give anything for her. All she need do is ask.
Just tell me what you want. I wanted to shake her make her continue. Please what. You cant just say please and not finish!
"Edward!" she screamed. Her scream shook me. I was sitting up now, hovering over her. Trying to figure out what it is she needed. Was she in pain?
"Edward. Please. don't go." she begged, almost crying now.
So many emotions rushed through me. I didn't know which was worse. Hope or fear. Guilt ripped through me like razor blades. She had said my name, and she didn't want me to go. I still didn't know why, but at this moment I didn't care.
I realized it didn't matter. She didn't want me to go. I knew that was all I needed.
I was Bella's forever. Whether she realized it or not. I would always be here. I would not leave again. I don't think I had the strength to.
I gently kissed her forehead.
Her breathing pattern changed, she was beginning to stir.
Her eyes fluttered slightly. I could see she was trying to keep them closed. Forcing herself back to sleep.
I waited patiently for her to wake up and open her eyes.
Oh, dear God, if you really do exist please let her still love me. I was absolutely petrified. What if she told me to leave and never come back? The suspense was killing me, so to speak.
Bella sighed heavily and finally opened them.
"Oh!" she gasped and threw her hands over her eyes. Oh no she really wasn't happy to see me at all. Maybe this was a mistake. No I needed to know.
I leaned in close to her face willing her to move her hands so I could look into her eyes. She opened them again and looked at me, slightly surprised.
"Did I frighten you?" I was anxious. Everything over the last few days had lead to this moment. I was with her and it was time to face my fears. I watched Bella closely. The expression changed on her face so many times it was hard to tell what she was thinking and it frustrated me to no end. If I had frightened her that meant there was still hope. If I hadn't, then I had to find a reason for the reaction she had made. She used to wake up to me all the time after all.
"Oh, crap," Bella said with a thick voice. What could she possibly be thinking, it was a yes or no question.
"What's wrong, Bella?" She frowned at me. Concern showed on my face, I was sure of it. I was still anxious and waiting for my answer. Her frown made me wonder what was going on in that head of hers.
"I'm dead, right?" she moaned. "I did drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie." What on earth was she talking about? Her first thought at seeing me was that she was dead. The pain grew deeper and spread throughout my whole being. She thought she was dead because she was with me. A deep frown crossed my lips.
"You're not dead."
"Then why am I not waking up?" she challenged. She went from thinking she was dead to thinking she was having a nightmare. I was a terrifying monster only meant for nightmares. She had finally realized it.
"You are awake, Bella." She shook her head.
"Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do wake up. If I wake up, which I won't, because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renee and Jake" Jake, just the name infuriated me. I had to think of something to say to ease her mind. Convince her she was awake and alive.
And what was the comment about being worse when she woke up. What would be worse than death?
"I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare." A small grim smile crossed my face. "But I can't imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit any murders while I was away?"
She grimaced at me, "Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me."
I sighed heavily. Bella, Bella, Bella. That was her for you. Always trying to make me look like some kind of angel. Death would not grant me a ticket to heaven. I was already dead.
Besides my past would never allow it. The monster I was, was not meant for heaven. God would not allow a monster such as myself in.
Bella sat there for a moment, collecting her thoughts from the look of it and I couldn't help but stare at her.
She looked away from me for a second toward the open window.
When her eyes returned to me, she blushed. I loved that blush. God how I missed that.
"Did all of that really happen, then?"
I was glad to see that she finally seemed to be coming around to the whole you're awake discussion. "That depends." Yes, you did risk your life, and everything, to come to Italy and save me from being such an idiot. Yes, you were almost killed by the Volturi, who in all are pretty much the most powerful vampires to exist. Yes, I did leave you, I was a jack ass, but its all ok now because I'm back. Yeah right, if only it were that simple.
"If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes."
"How strange, I really went to Italy. Did you know I'd never been farther east than Albuquerque?" I rolled my eyes. I should have known she would find a way to lessen the danger we had been in.
"Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent."
"I'm not tired anymore." She looked like she was fully awake now. "What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?"
I glanced quickly at the clock.. She started to stretch, stretching out her achy body after such a long sleep.
"It's just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours." It had seemed like an eternity for me, waiting patiently for you to wake.
"Charlie?" she asked with concern.
I frowned remembering our conversation from earlier that day, and everything he thought of me. "Sleeping. You should probably know that I'm breaking the rules right now." I thought about that for a second, and almost chuckled. "Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window...But, still, the intent was clear."
Disbelief crossed Bella's face quickly and fury soon replaced it. "Charlie banned you from the house?"
Silly, Bella. "Did you expect anything else?" I was troubled again by the memories of pain Charlie had inadvertently shared with me.
She looked angry now. I pitied Charlie. Knowing Bella was going to let him have it next time she saw him.
"What's the story?" Bella suddenly asked.
"What do you mean?"
"What am I telling Charlie? What's my excuse for disappearing for, how long was I gone, anyway?" She appeared to be counting in her head, but I already knew the answer.
"Just three days." I smiled at her. Just three days. I made it sound like it should have been longer. I had all night to think and a cover story never crossed my mind. "Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing."
She groaned at me. "Fabulous." She was beautiful.
"Well, maybe Alice will come up with something," I tried. The offer seemed to comfort her. I mean after all she was the one who took Bella.
We sat in silence for a moment, while she appeared to be calculating in her head.
"So," she began, she seemed to be choosing her words carefully and I didn't know what to expect. So here it was. My stomach began to churn in knots. Was she going to tell me to leave? And never return. Get as far away from her as possible. "What have you been doing, up until three days ago?"
I had been dreading this question. I knew it had been inevitable, but I had wanted to try and avoid it as long as possible. It just figures that she would bring it up almost right away. She still thinks that I was busy distracting myself, the hesitation gave her away. How could I ever undo the doubt I had put in her mind. How could she honestly believe the vicious lie I had told her? Even better, how could I possible get her to believe other wise.
"Nothing terribly exciting." I responded. What else could I say? That I pined for you, I was lost and empty with out you and that's just the pg version? I defiantly couldn't say hey I decided I didn't want to mope around so I went hunting!
"Of course not," she mumbled. I could tell she didn't like my answer. She even made a face. Typical Bella and I couldn't get enough of it.
Why are you making that face?"
"Well." She pursed her lips, "if you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thing you would say. My imagination must be used up." She still thought she was dreaming, only Bella. We were back to square one with the whole I'm dreaming thing again.
"If I tell you, will finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?"
"Nightmare!" She repeated my word with emphasized scorn. I stopped, pondering what to say. "Maybe, if you tell me."
"I was, hunting." It was the best I could come up with. It wasn't a lie it just wasn't the whole truth. Bella seemed suspicious. I mean tracking and hunting go hand in hand right?
"Is that the best you can do? That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake." She was criticizing me with some teasing in her tone.
I hesitated. How was I going to explain this? Even though I wasn't with her, I was still motivated to protect her.
I searched for words in my head to make this work. "I wasn't hunting for food. I was actually trying my hand at, tracking. I'm not very good at it." She seemed intrigued by this. She probably was shocked to realize there was something that I wasn't great at. I never did understand why she thought I was the good at everything. Then again, I would never fully understand Bella.
I could tell Bella wasn't about to let this go she was curious as usual.
"What were you tracking?"
"Nothing of consequence." How could I tell her how much of a failure I was? I had failed her in every way possible. I was a poor excuse for a boyfriend, if that's what I still was.
"I don't understand." Of course she would not understand, I barely understood what I was saying. I knew she was not going to fully understand it until she knew who I had been tracking.
I had to tell her, the time for secrets was over. She had to know how sorry I was. The anguish of discussing my failure was written on my face. "I." I took a deep breath. I was just causing my Bella more stress by confusing her. She needed to know the truth, the truth about how sorry I was and how I would never leave her again. The truth about how I really had had no idea how big of a threat Victoria was. The truth about how every single moment I had been gone had been pure torture, and how it had been a worthless attempt on my part. It would never happen again, I could not and would not leave ever again. I loved her to much, and the pain of leaving her was to much to bare.
"I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know" I was not going to hold back anything now, she needed to know. I started to speak so fast the words blurred together. I had to get this out quickly so it wouldn't hurt as much kind of like pulling off a band aide. that's what I was doing partly. Showing her all my wounds, telling her all my faults and numerous mistakes I had made. Cause there were plenty to choice from. I had made a mistake by letting her love me in the first place, a mistake for not reading into Victoria when I first had the chance, a mistake for letting Victoria go, a mistake probably the biggest, no most defiantly the biggest was leaving her in the first place. "that I had no idea. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria would come back. I'll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had that kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him. I think I realize why now she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about him that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there." I recalled back to that day in the meadow. Everything had been so perfect then, the scent of Bella had been so intoxicating that day. I should have read Victoria's thoughts deeper than I had.
I felt like I was getting sidetracked from my main point, and I needed to get back on track.
It was time to put all the cards on the table and see what was left for us. If anything at all. Would I get my life back? My love?
"Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face." It was all pouring out, no lies, just the cold hard truth. "When I heard what you told Alice, what she saw herself, when I realized that you had put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself," I shuddered. The thought of Jacob black protecting Bella instead of me, almost made a growl escape my lips. I held it back. "Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for."
"Stop!" I stared at her with tortured eyes. I had only just begun to describe how much I loathed myself when she had interrupted. I could not express how much she meant to me and how horrible I was for leaving for her. And why had she stopped me? Did she not want to hear what I had to say? I need to know her thoughts, the silence from where her mind should have been was driving me insane! Did she no longer want to hear any of it, just wanted me to go. Never return leave her alone. She had moved on and I was not going to ruin it? What was going on in her head! Just tell me Bella please!
"Edward," it was said in such a small voice. She sounded pained to say my name. What had I done to this beautiful girl? "This has to stop now. You can't think about things that way. You can't let this, this guilt. rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault, it's just part of how life is for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that it's not your job to take the blame." I was confused, what was she trying to get at, because no matter what she said it did not change the fact that I could not live without her. "You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, and not your fault." Ha, silly Bella, that's not why I went to the Volturi, I thought you knew that? "I know it's your., your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible think of Esme and Carlisle and-" She stopped to catch her breath. She was right, it had been irresponsible of me, but Carlisle and Esme were not what kept me existing, Bella was, and if she was gone, there really was nothing to stay for. I love Carlisle and Esme, and the rest of the family to death, but Bella was my everything, I thought I had made that clear. I could not exist without her. She should know that. Did she actually think that I only went to Italy out of guilt? I felt horrible. What had I done? I had annihilated her. She was trying to set me free but I would forever be a prisoner to love.
"Isabella Marie Swan," I whispered, I still couldn't believe what I was hearing, it almost made me mad that she had not listened to what I had told her about not existing without her. How many times had I said it? And yet she believed the vicious lie instead of the truth. "Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?"
She looked at me, confusion covering her beautiful face. "Didn't you?"
"Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend." All I had wanted to do was rip myself apart, destroy my self where I stood.
"Then….what are you saying? I don't understand."
"Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead," just saying the words brought back all the images of her being cold and still. It pained me so much to think it. "Even if I had no hand in your death. Even if it wasn't my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful. I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I suppose to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?" And it wasn't the boy who had told me it was the wolf. The wolf that was my competition for something more important than my existence, for Bella's love was the reason for my being.I thought about it for a moment did Jacob know it was me. Did he say those things out of spite knowing the consequences of his words? "The odds." It was almost impossible for Jacob to know but still such an unusual coincidence. Almost like fate telling put her hands to keep us apart, but then again fate could be the reason were both here, fate lead Bella to italy, fate let Bella get there just in time when the odds seemed impossible. "The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticize Romeo again."
I had criticized Romeo over and over, but really I had done the exact same thing, tore apart me and Bella myself, mistake after mistake, the biggest one being actually leaving her. God what had I done, and what can I do to fix it?
"But I still don't understand," she said. "That's my whole point. So what?"
What? Now I was the one who did not understand. So what? What do you mean so what? You were dead! DEAD, no longer living. Which means I was no longer existing. But so what? "Excuse me?"
"So what if I was dead?" She was obviously trying to make this hard for me and that was what I deserved. But I could never want her dead. She thought it meant nothing to me if she were gone. I thought I had explained myself but once the seeds of doubt are planted, the roots take hold and consume what use to be there. And she obviously did not remember what I had told her about not being able to go on without her. Without her I would be nothing. Without her, I no longer exist. She is the reason for everything. "Don't you remember anything I told you before?"
"I remember everything you told me," she said with added emphasize on everything. She must be talking about our talk in the woods before I left. I was not talking about my lies that I had told her that day. She must only remember the horrible lies. The last things I said to her.
I brushed my finger along her lower lip. I needed to touch her. I wanted her to feel the love I felt for her and understand.
"Bella, you seem to be under a misapprehension." I closed my eyes and shook my head in frustration. I needed to find a way to convince her. Prove to her. "I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist."
"I am..." She seemed to search for the right word "Confused."
I looked deep into her eyes. Trying to see something, anything at all. Something that would help me understand her confusion. that's when it hit me. She was confused, the conversation in the woods. I needed her to know it was all a vicious lie. I had to make her see the truth, the real truth. Not the fake heartless truth I made her believe.
"I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be."
She froze and held her breath. I shook her gently trying to free her from her rigid pose. She needed to hear everything I had to say. She needed to understand. "Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly." I winced at the pain of that still too vivid memory. She had looked so broken, she had believed me, I knew that much. "That was, excruciating."
Bella sat there still frozen. I almost willed her to believe me. Please believe me. I could not understand why this was so hard for her to believe. I was pouring everything out. I continued trying to focus on what I needed to say. "When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye," I continued, still staring at her intently. "you weren't going to let go." I whispered. "I could see that. I didn't want to do it, it felt like it would kill me to do it but I thought that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that if you thought I'd moved on, so would you."
"A clean break," she barely whispered the words. She did remember and it clearly brought her more pain.
"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry, sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry." I hoped she understood the gravity of my words. I couldn't tell by the look on her face so I continued. I needed to know something. It was nagging at the back of my mind, and I needed to know. "But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could let one word break your faith in me?" It was a valid question. I needed an answer. Did she not love me as much as I hoped? It was so hard to tell she just sat there looking at me.
I could not count the number of times I told her I loved her, that is why I could not figure out how she had let one word negate all those countless times. It was insane. Did she not love me like I thought? She had believed the vicious lie, but not the truth. It didn't make sense.
"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept. as if there were any way that I could exist without needing you!"
She froze at my words. I don't know what made her tense up whether it was my words or the painful memories. She still was not moving, so I shook her shoulder again. What was wrong with her? Did she want me to leave? Was I upsetting her? Why wouldn't she talk to me? I was beginning to get worried. Did the last few days events finally catch up to her, was she in shock? "Bella," I sighed. "Really what were you thinking!"
She started to cry and I cursed myself for putting her through this. Truth be told I wasn't sure why she was crying. But I knew that every tear drop was like a needle to my being. Ripping me apart with each drop.
"I knew it," she sobbed. "I knew I was dreaming." Square one, again. How the hell did we end up back at the beginning?
"You're impossible," I said with a laugh. She still didn't want to believe I was here or that what I was saying was real. "How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here and I love you. I have always loved you, and will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the blackest kind of blasphemy." pouring myself out seemed like a good idea. My heart was hers after all. She should know what was held inside it. Trying to make her except it and believe it now was the tricky part.
Bella shook her head, all the while tears streaming down her face. She was broken and I wanted to steal her pain away. The pain I had caused. I was beginning to lose all hope that I could get this through her head. Prove to her that she was awake, alive, and that I really was here.
"You don't believe me do you? Why can you believe the lie but not the truth?"
"It never made sense for you to love me," Her voice broke as she spoke and so did my heart. "I always knew that." It almost knocked the wind out of me. I'd had enough, this was enough, I was going to get this through her head once and for all. My eyes narrowed, and I clenched my jaw.
"I'll prove you're awake." If my words were not going to make her see, then I would use my body. It was the only thing I could think of. The only thing I had left. I couldn't think of anything else to do. I had tried talking to her reasoning it didn't do anything. I cupped Bella's beautiful face in my hands and moved my lips towards hers. She tried to turn away from me. I didn't understand her reasoning but I had to know.
"Please don't." she whispered. I obeyed by stopping, but did not pull away. Whether it was the fact I didn't want to, or I couldn't let go, I didn't know. I just knew I was frozen in place, so close but yet so far.
"Why not?" I asked.
"When I wake up" I started to protest, there was that dreaming thing again, always back to square one with her. "okay forget that one, when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too." She seemed pained as she spoke. I pulled back just enough so I could see into her eyes. I needed to clear this up now. I was not going to leave her, and I wanted to know, did she want me to? Did she move on, like I planned for her to? Or had I hurt her so much that she could no longer trust me?
"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so, hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you have moved on, as I meant for you to? That would be. quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" I whispered. Please say yes. I had put everything on the line and she could break me with a single word. She could banish me from her life and I would deserve it.
"What kind of idiotic question is that?" she practically spat at me. Now is not the time to confuse me Bella. I need to know. I have laid it all out and there you go answering my questions with another question! Ugh, always Bella.
"Just answer it. Please." There was a hint of impatience in my voice. I needed to know. It was a moment of truth. I had laid everything out. My cards were on the table. Everything I had and everything I was, was either going to be saved or broken here tonight.
She could make me or break me with one word.
I was flying on the hope she would say yes. I mean hell. Hope was all I had remember.
She gave me a dark look. It scared me, that look was something I could not understand. Was she about to send me away? Never to return. Tell me she hates me and never wanted to see me again. "The way I feel a bout you will never change. Of course I love you and there's nothing you can do about it." Oh yes, indeed there was something I could do about. Thank God, she did still love me. I was no longer afraid of the unknown, and at the moment it didn't matter whether or not she was awake, because she said she still loved me. That was all that mattered. That was all that I needed to hear.
"That's all I needed to hear." I leaned forward and touched my lips to hers gently. The kiss grew more passionate with every second. It was like we were both trying to force the love we shared for one another into that small kiss. The love I had felt for Bella made the last six months not matter. I threw all the careful boundaries away and deepened the kiss. Bella responded by moving her fingers over my face. Her caress was heavenly. Her soft full lips quivered softly beneath mine, her heart beat erratically as my cool fingers caressed her face. Our bodies were so close together I could feel every curve of her warm, soft body. For a brief moment when our lips were apart I whispered her name and began the kiss again. This was my heaven. Heaven on earth. I didn't need god for that. What ever he had up there, I was perfectly fine down her. I did slightly thank him for giving me Bella back though anyway. Hell Carlisle could be right.
REVIEW!!! COME ON I KNOW YOU ALL CAN DO IT!! PLEASE AND THANK YOU! TELL ME WATCHA THINK!!
THE MORE YOU REVIEW THE FASTER I COME OUT WITH THE NEXT CHAPTER.
COME ON YOU CAN DO IT!