CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Tyler's POV
I was surprised when Jacob asked me on a date. I had expected it to take him a lot longer to want to spend time with me away from school, especially after I'd had to tell him about my need to get a test. I'd been completely mortified by that and convinced he would avoid me afterwards. I hadn't missed his shudder and the expression of shock and disgust on his face when I admitted to being unable to remember whether I used a condom or not and I wouldn't blame him one bit if he changed his mind about giving me another chance after that. But now we were planning to go to the movies and maybe dinner too and I was ridiculously excited and I vowed to myself I wouldn't do anything to fuck it up.
The week crawled by and of course we saw each other in class and spent time together over lunch or in the library, but most of what we talked about was connected to school or my therapy, which was reduced to one session a week now - a joint one with Dad. The first had gone well and Esme was sure that she would be signing us off in another week or two. We had learned to communicate properly and for the first time since I'd been a kid, I felt like I could tell my father things and he would listen. Both of us had begun to accept the loss of Michael and found we could talk about the good memories we had of him without everything coming back to his death and the reason for it. I continued talking to him by writing in the journal, but my thoughts were more positive than most of what I had written in it in six years.
Finally Friday arrived and after an hour's study and two hours working in the book store, I went home to shower, shave and change. I even dragged out Mom's ironing board and made efforts to iron a shirt until Caroline interrupted.
"Tyler, why are you ironing?" she said in an incredulous tone.
"I'm going out, I don't want to look like I slept in this."
"You're putting more wrinkles in it than there were to start with. Let me do it."
I moved out of the way and watched as my sister ironed the shirt in a brisk and efficient fashion that she had clearly copied from Mom. In minutes it looked brand new.
"So where are you going?" Caroline asked as she handed it to me.
"The movies with Jacob. Maybe dinner."
"You have a date?" She beamed from ear to ear.
"Yes, it's a date. Don't get too excited, we're starting right back at the beginning."
"You're excited," she smirked. "You shaved too."
"Well, maybe I want to make a good impression for once."
I went to put the shirt on along with dress pants and shoes rather than my usual jeans and sneakers. I was to meet Jacob at the movie theatre at seven and I left the house at six-thirty to get the subway, my heart racing and a knot of nerves in my stomach. I felt like a kid going on his first date and as much as I told myself to chill, that everything would be ok, I worried that somehow I would mess up, do or say something that he wouldn't like, or I simply wouldn't know what to say to him at all. By the time I reached the theatre I was tugging my hands through my hair at intervals and sincerely wishing I still smoked.
Jacob was already there, leaning against the wall just outside the entrance, an enormous ad for the movie pasted to the brick facade behind him. He was dressed similarly to me - dark pants and a shirt although his was white where mine was blue. The shirt was open a few inches at the neck, the white fabric contrasting with his caramel skin, his hands casually stuck in his pants pockets. He looked hot - he was always hot, but right now he was mouthwateringly so. I licked my lips and headed towards him, smiling in response to the wide grin he gave me.
"Hey, Tyler."
"Hey; did I keep you waiting?"
"No, I'm early. You look good."
"Thanks, so do you."
"The movie starts in thirty minutes, I already bought tickets," he said. "It's the last day they're showing it; there probably won't be that many people in there."
"Do you want some snacks?" I offered. "Popcorn or something?"
"Yeah," Jacob said at once.
"Which kind? I like..."
"Salted," we both said together and he grinned again.
I relaxed slightly as I went to buy a bucket of popcorn and a large coke to share and then we went into the theatre showing 'The Fast and The Furious' and took seats a couple rows from the back. Less than a dozen other people were in there and only one more couple entered before the lights dimmed and the trailers began to run. None of them looked particularly interesting to me although Jacob commented that he wanted to see the 'Lord of the Rings' movie due out in a few weeks.
"Yeah, it looks cool," I agreed.
"Tyler, I know you don't like Tolkein," Jacob said at once. "Just be yourself."
"Sorry, I just...I guess I'm not sure how to act. Do you realise we never really went on a date before?"
"I know and it didn't do us much good. This is supposed to be a new start so we have to try and not keep thinking about what happened before. As far as I'm concerned, we got it out in the open and it's done, or as much as it can be; now we go forward. You don't have to try to please me all the time. I feel the same, you know. I don't really know how to behave with you. We lived together and suddenly we're on a first date."
"I keep thinking I'll say or do something you won't like," I confessed.
"What if you do? Who's to say I won't do something that upsets you? We have a lot to learn about each other. We fell into all the serious stuff at the drop of a hat and never did the fun part where people get to know each other without any pressure of all the other shit we had."
"Yeah, I guess you're right." I let out a huge sigh of relief and my nervousness began to evaporate. It would be ok; I just needed to be myself and stop tiptoeing around him. I slouched back in the seat, pulled my feet up and rested them on the one in front, then shovelled a handful of popcorn into my mouth.
"You are gonna give me some of that, right?" Jacob teased. "If you don't share you won't want dinner."
I passed the bucket to him. "We are going for dinner then?"
"If you can behave to the end of the movie," he said with a slight frown. "Joking! I was wondering if you'd take me to that Mexican place you went with your Dad."
"Dos Caminos? Really?"
"Yeah, I love Mexican."
"Me too."
We both enjoyed the movie; fast cars, drama, some humour and we agreed by the end that Vince was hotter than Dom, but probably lacking a few brain cells. We left the theatre in a much more relaxed state than we went in, laughing together and discussing whether to walk to the restaurant or take the subway. We walked there and found Dos Caminos already packed, although a few people seemed to be coming to the end of their meals. We sat at the bar and drank beer until a table became available, then nibbled the free nachos while studying the menu.
"I'm surprised your Dad came in here, it doesn't seem like the kind of place he would like," Jacob said.
"It isn't, I think he had to steel himself not to wrinkle his nose," I grinned. "He was just trying to show me he was willing to make an effort if I would."
"I'm glad you get along with him now."
"How's your Dad? And your sister?" I asked suddenly. "I'm sorry I haven't asked after them."
"It's ok; they're fine. Dad is actually listening to his doc. He gave up fried everything and some of his friends are helping him out with things. My sister's still in plaster, but she's ok, It'll take them a long time to get over the baby."
"I'm sorry." I reached across the table and grasped his hand automatically and then froze, unsure of whether or not he wanted me touching him, even with something as casual as holding his hand.
"Thanks."
He turned his hand over slowly and laced his fingers with mine and I squeezed more firmly, relieved.
"So, what's the best thing on the menu here?" he asked me.
"Steak fajitas," I said without hesitation. "Maybe stuffed chillis to start?"
"Sounds good, I'll go for that. Do you want to get cocktails too?"
We didn't leave the restaurant until after midnight, lingering over the food and a number of margaritas and then heading out a little unsteadily to the nearest subway station. We had to get the same train although Jacob's stop was before mine and we travelled the few minutes in companionable silence. The evening had been amazing; we had talked for hours, about things we did as kids, what we wanted from our futures, things that had happened to us in between. It was ridiculous how little we actually knew about each other and starting the way we had done was clearly going to be the best way forward, if there was a future for us together.
The train began to slow for Jacob's stop and I stayed still, leaning against the side of the train beside the door, unsure how he would want to say goodbye to me. I longed for him to kiss me and I tried not to keep looking at his soft, full lips, remembering how they felt on mine, but I wouldn't let myself move even an inch towards him. I doubted he would want that yet.
"Do you want to do something Sunday?" he asked suddenly. "I'm going to a game in the afternoon with Jasper; don't say you'll come too because I know you hate baseball..."
"I wasn't going to," I grinned.
"We could have brunch before?" He stepped closer to me and gripped the pole next to me as the train lurched slightly.
"Ok, but let's go somewhere different than the diner I used to go with Michael," I said. "I don't go there any more. I can talk to him anywhere I happen to be."
"Dina's then?" Jacob suggested.
It was a well known and popular diner not far from college that did some of the best brunches in the city, including the infamous biscuits and gravy that I loved and Dad looked down his nose at; or at least he had done at one time. I agreed to meet Jacob there at ten and then the train squealed to a halt and the doors slid open.
"See you Sunday," I said casually.
"Yeah."
He paused for a second and I held my breath, surprised when he leaned towards me and brushed his warm lips against my cheek.
"Bye, Tyler."
In another moment he was gone and the train was moving again and I was grinning stupidly to myself, not caring if one of the few other passengers were looking at me. It was going to be alright.
We began to see each other regularly after that weekend. The brunch date had lasted hours until Jacob had to run to make the ballgame and from then on we went out each Friday night and often hung out doing something more casual either Saturday after we finished work, or Sunday. Jacob even came over to the house for Sunday lunch one weekend and delighted Caroline by bringing her a book on art.
Nothing physical happened between us. I didn't expect it to or want it with the threat of the test hanging over my head, but he held my hand and kissed me goodbye each time we parted and a couple times he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. I didn't make any of the moves myself, except to slide my hand into his sometimes and there was still part of me worrying that he thought I was dirty and I dreaded finding out that I had caught something from that girl. If that happened, I was pretty sure this new, tentative start we had would be stopped in its tracks.
Esme signed Dad and me off two sessions after my first date with Jacob and told us both to call her should we feel the need in the future. However, Dad later instructed me to talk to him if anything bothered me, however big or small it might be. He was determined to be there for both me and Caroline from now on and if either of us had some kind of problem we didn't know how to fix, he wanted to be able to take the burden. So far I had refrained from telling him about my predicament, but as mid-November approached and I progressively became more tense and anxious, he grilled me until I confessed.
"It's nothing," I said at first and received a determined frown in response.
"Tyler, don't try to fool me. Something's on your mind. I told you that you can come to me with anything, even if it's...I don't know, problems with your...Jacob."
"It's not that," I said at once, feeling my face redden.
"So what is it?"
"Don't worry about it; you're busy," I prevaricated, eyeing the laptop in front of him. We were in his apartment, me staring blankly at one of my school books and not reading a word and him working.
"Not so busy I can't listen to you." He pushed the laptop lid down firmly.
"I have to get a test," I blurted.
"What kind of test?"
"Ugh...Dad...that girl I slept with before I split with Jacob...she was a bit of a tramp."
"You didn't use protection?" His brows drew further together in disapproval and I sighed.
"I was drunk, I don't think so. I know, I'm a jerk, I was screwed up back then, but it's done and now I have to deal with it."
"When was this?" Dad asked.
"August...you know, right before I...was in hospital. You have to wait three months before they can do the test." I dragged a hand through my hair and groaned.
"Why didn't you tell me this before?"
"There was no point, you couldn't have done anything."
"But I could support you. Have you got an appointment to get it done?"
"Not yet," I sighed.
"Then I'll arrange it privately. I don't want you going to that clinic."
"Dad, you don't have to do that," I protested. "Anyway, your private doc doesn't do things like that."
"He'll do whatever I pay him to do," Dad said firmly, picking up his phone.
Grimacing, I listened while he spoke to his doctor's assistant and made me an appointment for Friday morning after the single lecture I had that day finished.
"I'll pick you up from school," he said when he ended the call.
"Thanks." I did actually feel marginally better about it, having him willing to accompany me and I realised I'd been dreading going to the clinic and sitting there amongst a bunch of other unfortunate people waiting for my name to be called.
The rest of the week seemed endless and the worst of it was that I knew even after I gave the blood sample, I was still going to have to wait maybe a week for the results and the closer it got to the appointment, the more convinced I became that it was going to result in me receiving a letter that said 'positive' in capital letters.
Dad's car was waiting in front of the college for me when my lecture finished. I had no idea what it had been about and had simply written aimless notes, my head down, trying to look convincingly engrossed in case Jacob glanced in my direction. I hadn't mentioned to him what I was doing that morning, despite our previous discussion about it. There was no point him worrying about it too, although I guessed he probably was anyway. He knew how long it was since I fucked up. I had told him earlier I was going straight home after class to study and would see him later on.
Dad's doctor was free when we arrived at the hospital and we were shown straight into his private surgery. I imagined he would merely take a blood sample, possibly lecture me about safe sex and send me on my way, but it turned out to be a more lengthy and hideously embarrassing appointment. After the blood was taken, I was invited to step behind the curtain partitioning off part of the room, remove my clothes and be examined physically.
"Ugh...do I have to?" I groaned.
"Yes, you do," Dad said firmly. "You want to be sure, don't you?"
I shuddered and went to do as I was told, squeezing my eyes shut and grinding my teeth when my cock was examined by latex-covered fingers and a cold implement that felt like a pair of tongs. Dad couldn't see what was going on, but he could hear the questions I was asked afterwards; whether I was particularly promiscuous, whether I was in the habit of having unprotected sex and if I had anal sex.
"No!" I growled in response to this last question.
"You mentioned you have a boyfriend..."
"Yeah, well...we don't do...that. Didn't...well, he didn't."
I scrambled back into my clothes, shoving my penis, which had shrunk to half its usual size in shame, quickly into my pants and praying that the shiny tiles under my feet would open up and swallow me. I should have come on my own. I should have asked Dad to wait outside. I should have refused the damned appointment and gone to the clinic instead. I just knew that my Dad was trying not to think about me fucking Jacob at that moment and I cringed as the doctor whisked the curtain aside.
Dad was sitting there with his legs crossed, his face blank.
"Are we done?" he asked calmly.
"Yes, I'll have the results for you tomorrow," the doctor said.
"That quick?" My embarrassment quickly faded. "I thought it would be a week..."
"That's the usual turnaround for the clinic," the doc smiled. "I'll have my assistant call your father as soon as they come back from the lab."
"Thanks, Andrew," Dad nodded.
Minutes later we were heading briskly back to the car.
"I'm sorry about...um..." I muttered.
"It doesn't matter, Tyler, it had to be done," was all he said. "Hopefully tomorrow will be the end of it."
I didn't work at the book store that afternoon. I hid in my room at Dad's apartment while he had a business meeting in the dining room and eventually I called Jacob to cancel the usual Friday evening with him. I'd thought it would take my mind off things, but I knew I wouldn't be able to hide my tension and things would just be awkward between us. I didn't mean to tell him why, but I would have to tell him after I got the results and then he'd know anyway.
"I got the test today," I said quickly. "My Dad went with me."
"Oh! Well, I guess it's soon going to be over then. The waiting."
"Tomorrow. I saw my Dad's private doc, so I don't have to wait."
"That's good. I'm glad your Dad's there for you."
"Yeah, I'm staying at his place tonight," I told him. "Sorry, I don't feel much like doing anything."
"It's alright."
It wasn't alright, I thought when I hung up. If I had anything, even something minor, I'd be too ashamed and he would probably be too disgusted to want to carry on. For the hundredth time I cursed myself for being so stupid, so careless and risking so much. I'd been a complete mess then, but nothing was an excuse for drinking so much that I didn't know what I was doing, or who I was doing.
I tossed and turned that night, unable to sleep, thinking of the worst case scenario and convincing myself I'd ruined my life and that I would end up joining Michael sooner rather than later, despite my initial failure in trying to do just that. By the time I got up and showered the next morning, I looked as terrible as I felt and I sat nursing a cold cup of coffee until nine-thirty when Dad's phone rang and he passed it to me, announcing that it was the doctor. I took the phone silently and put it to my ear, my heart hammering.
"Tyler, I have the results of your test. Normally, I wouldn't do this over the phone, but as a favour to your father..."
"Go on," I gritted out impatiently.
"Everything returned negative. I'll have it confirmed to you in writing."
"Thanks," I said numbly.
Negative? I closed my eyes as I ended the call, ridiculously feeling like I might burst into tears. I was ok; I wasn't going to lose Jacob. That was all I could think about. I didn't have to tell him what he was probably dreading hearing as much as I had been.
"Tyler?" Dad sat down next to me and touched my shoulder. "What is it?"
I shook my head wordlessly.
"Tell me. Whatever it is, we can handle it."
"It's nothing. I mean...I'm fine. All clear," I said shakily.
"Then what are you crying about?"
"Shit." I wiped my wet face. "Relief. Um...I need to call Jacob. He'll be wondering..."
"Of course. Do you want some fresh coffee?" He took the cold mug from the table in front of me and I nodded and pulled out my cellphone. Jacob would be at work, but I knew he wouldn't mind taking this call.
"Tyler." He answered almost immediately. "Are you ok?"
"Yes. I'm fine. Negative," I said briefly.
"Awesome." I could almost hear his sigh of relief. "So...do you want to do something later? Go out, or...?"
"You know, I really just want to stay in," I said quietly.
"Oh. Ok. Well, maybe tomorrow?" he suggested, sounding disappointed.
"No, I mean, I want to stay in, but maybe you could come over? We could get takeout or something."
"What, at your Dad's? Won't he mind?"
"No, he'll be fine."
"Alright, well, I'll come over around six, is that ok?"
"Yes."
"I'm really glad, Tyler," he said then. "I know how stressed you've been about this; I have too. I kind of avoided talking about it."
"Yeah, well I didn't expect you to want to dwell on the situation I put myself in. I'm still beating myself up over it."
"Don't. We're gonna have to put it behind us now. Look, I have to go, my boss wants me. I'll see you tonight."
"Jake!" I took a deep breath. I hadn't said this since our meeting in the park weeks before and nor had he; it was as if we really had gone back to the beginning. "I love you," I said.
"Me too. I'll say it properly when I'm not being listened to."
I laughed and when I hung up I had a genuine smile on my face. The past few months weren't going to suddenly vanish as if they had never happened, but at least the worst was over and Jacob and I could at last stop treading water and begin to be a proper couple again.