Keiko was stable, there was no more threat to her. All she needed now was rest. San calmly explained that to Yusuke, and it took great effort to keep him from losing his shit. Afraid of commitment, yet overly protective. She would never understand this boy. Genkai hadn't shown up, but San would return to the temple anyway and discuss what should be done. This was too close, Keiko was not expendable. Arashi was cheating, he couldn't just show up and kill one of them, the consequences of that would be too much of a risk.
San sat by the window, staring into the moon. There was too much commotion, she would have to wait until the half demon and human boy calmed down. For some reason, they didn't understand why they couldn't track down Arashi and give him a thrashing. San sighed. It wasn't as if her blood lust didn't want that either, but she knew better. Blindly attacking in rage was not going to help anything, it would only hinder their cause. Yusuke and Kuwabara were fighting with Kurama about it. She figured she'd wait for him to work out some of his frustrations before she decided to interject.
"We can't let him get away with this! He attacked Keiko!" Yusuke yelled at her mate.
"To attack now would be foolish," Kurama protested.
"So what?! Let them nearly take her life and get away with it?!"
"Yeah we can't let them think it's okay to try and kill us!" Kuwabara threw in.
"Hn. If you like dying, go ahead, just try and find Arashi," said Hiei.
"Keiko almost died!" screamed Yusuke, "You can all sit here if you want, but I'm going to find the guy that did this and make him pay!"
"SHUT UP!" San began. This was getting a little out of hand, "Yusuke, freeze," she commanded. He grumbled but sat down. San's eyes were still on the moon, it's presence calming her. It may not be full by any means, but it still helped all the same, "This attack on Keiko was something none of us could have predicted. Arashi has stepped out of line and he will pay the consequences. As for now, we need to figure out where he's hiding before we decide to mount an attack. It won't be easy, considering the only time he's attacked is with his shadow."
"Oh very brilliant. All you've successfully done is tell us that there's nothing we can do!" exclaimed Yusuke.
"If your ears weren't full of shit, you'd actually think about what I just said. We need to find out where he is before we decide to blindly attack in rage. That means doing homework, Yusuke. Since I know you won't do anything useful, you can take her home and wait until we're ready."
Yusuke growled, doing what he was told. He was flanked by Kuwabara, and for once, San was relieved that they were gone. They were both too thick headed for her right now, and she couldn't have them screaming and throwing a fit. She needed to think, to figure out how she was going to find someone. Arashi was powerful, she knew that, but everyone had a weakness, and she could find it.
...
The sun was starting to rise, and San hadn't moved from her spot. Kurama kept his eyes on her, wondering what was going on inside her head. He had sent Hiei to find the source of the disturbance, but San was still stuck at the window. The moon was no longer out, and he knew that she blamed herself for Keiko's attack. If it was possible for her to see this coming, then she would have. Were her powers no longer working? She hadn't mentioned any visions since she was back, but that didn't mean that they weren't happening.
He walked up to her, her eyes still distant. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. She didn't react, but she didn't pull away either. He thought about her words earlier, about his human fantasy. He had forgotten what it was like to be a demon, forgotten that in the end, she was a wolf. After being around her as Riane, it changed the way he looked at her. He thought maybe she would be able to appreciate his other side more, but she didn't change.
"For three years, I cast out my demon side. I swore I would never give into it. With you gone, it did not matter about my other side. When you died, so did I," he spoke softly in her ear. She leaned her head back on his shoulder.
"I never really died," she reminded him gently.
"If I had the power to see into the future, I would have known that, koi."
"Perhaps. I did not foresee myself living, but I did not see death either."
"What did you see?"
"Exactly what happened that night. I didn't know that I'd be back, but... I could feel it."
"I'm sorry I pressured you into being human."
"You haven't been much of a demon. Maybe you should stop being a human for three years."
"You know I can't do that, San."
"No, too many errands. Human life is not cut out for me, Kurama. I can't be the person you want and the woman you love. You need to pick which one of your lives you need most. Play human all you want, but remember that we mate for life, and I can wait until you expire before we are together again."
"That's not what I want, San. I do not want to be separated from you ever again."
"Me neither. But at this moment, I need Youko, the demon I mated with. Kurama, the human part of you isn't as ruthless. I need that killer demon instinct, it is the only way I can ensure the safety of the pack."
"When did you become pack leader?"
"When the prophecy chose me."
"Good point."
"I know you have that dark side, but don't let our dark past define you. You have made more than enough amends these past few years. How often must the scoundrel prove himself a hero, before he believes it himself?*"
Her question stung him. He held her tighter, wishing he had the answer, "I... can't forgive myself. Some of my victims... they were innocent. It does not matter how much I prove myself, I do not feel worthy."
She turned to kiss him, "You're being too hard on yourself. I helped you in some of it, more so than you know. We all have things we regret in life, love. But if we obsess over them, then we can never move on."
"And of the ones before your time?"
"I have innocent victims I had to condemn to death. I knew they were innocent, knew they were being framed. But I didn't have a choice. We are all compelled by necessity, we have to do what we must to survive. If it means that few have to die for many to live, then what do we do? I know you torment yourself about it, this new outlook on life changing the way you see things. But if you continue to berate yourself because you don't feel like you're worthy then stay home and play human. When you come to your senses, I'll be waiting."
She got up at that point, and retired to his bedroom. he didn't move, her words swimming through his head. He knew she was right, but she didn't understand why. If there was a way for her to know, then maybe she would get it. But there wasn't. She could go into his head, not a problem, but she wouldn't. Besides, she was a wolf, she functioned completely differently than he did.
She was right though. Without him being in touch with his demon side for so long, he was losing his instincts, those things that made him the fighter he was. He didn't want to let her do this on her own, he wanted to make sure nothing happened, that she wouldn't die again. He couldn't handle it if he was away from her again. He closed his eyes and opened his mind. His life, the one before this one, it was firing flashes in his head. So many people suffered because he was greedy, a bandit. All of them were condemned to his memory, images he would never forget.
If there was a way to relieve those souls, a way to take it all back, he would. He would give his life to know that those victims could have theirs back. It seemed to be the only way he could move on from his dark past. These memories plagued him, haunted his dreams some night. The easy way out was to forget, but if he did, he would lose the values he has now, be a completely different person. He always had the answer, but this was something he just couldn't figure out. If only there was a way to know the answer...
...
San woke up by herself. She sighed sadly, remembering that she had come back to the temple last night. Her mate was left in his own den, his schooling being this week. The search for Arashi was going slow. San had gone everywhere she could but with only a shadow, that didn't produce a scent. It didn't even give her an energy imprint, he was virtually invisible. If she just had a scrap of a scent, this would be easier.
She knew that one of the ways to do this was to go back to her old clan and enlist the help. She could easily use the trick Ozora had used on her years ago. She technically didn't die, so she was still in rule there. Her mind made up, she rose to go shower and prepare. She would have to stop by and tell her mate, or else he'd flip his lid.
San was worried about Kurama. The torment in his mind, he didn't know how to cope. She wished beyond hell that she could help him, take all his pain away. If he could just understand that he didn't have to torture himself like he was. He wasn't that dark demon he used to be, he didn't have to go through all of this. But he would never understand, never find the redemption he was looking for.
There was nothing more she could do. He wasn't willing to help himself, therefore, she could not help him face his pain. The ugly truth that came out of her, she wished she didn't even have to say it. But she either needed him the way she knew him, or he was better left alone. She opened the door to her garden, walking around and looking at everything. The sky was cloudy, but it wouldn't make a difference where she was going.
"Hiei, how nice of you to join me," San said to the demon on the roof of the temple.
"I have a message for you," he said distastefully, keeping his position.
"When did you become a delivery boy?"
"Hn."
"Well?"
"King Ozora requests your company."
"What a fine coincidence, I was just on my way to see him."
"Hn. Does the fox know?"
"He will, when you tell him."
"You're not taking him?"
"Until he can gain his right mind, he'll only be in my way."
"The lone wolf comes out to shine."
"Never mind, just go tell him."
He nodded at her and then jumped away. She knew her mate wasn't going to be happy, but she had to do whatever it took to protect the pack.
...
*X-men the animated series. Season 4, episode 15, Graduation Day
sorry for the short chapter guys, sorry for the late update, all of it.. getting a new computer soon, hopefully quicker updates.. thanks so much for reading and your lovely reviews!