A/N: So this is the continuing flashback chapter from the last one. The end of this chapter may seem MAJORLY cheesy, but that is ALSO how I roll as a writer ;D
So also if you guys remember in the chapter where Brennan asked Booth to move in with her I mentioned that it was when she woke up in the morning after making up with Booth that she started thinking about asking him to move in. So I'm leaving it up to you reviewers to decide whether or not I should put up a part three to this flashback with the next morning included or if I should just get back to the present. Let me know your opinion and enjoy the rest of this :)
Temperance Brennan was embarrassed. Embarrassed that she hadn't understood the hints a desperate boyfriend tried to give her, embarrassed she had let that fight escalade so far even though her brain was telling her to stop the entire time, embarrassed she had let him walk away and must have seemed so weak, embarrassed for knowing that in this particular argument, she was the one that was wrong, but couldn't bring herself to say it to him, and embarrassed her colleagues and friends had seen the entire thing.
At that point she didn't know what to do with herself. She wouldn't blame him if he hated her for the things she had said to him. Part of her wanted to run to him and apologize endlessly. But another part of her knew he needed space to calm down a little. And a smaller part of her was angry at him as well. Despite the fact that his side of their argument was the right one, he had lied to her. She wished with everything he had just been honest with her that morning, and maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad. But instead he had blown up on the platform in front of everyone.
After thinking for several minutes, deciding to give him at least a few hours of space, Brennan's head sank and fell into her hands as she finally began to cry.
Two hours or so later there was a soft knock on her office door. Brennan had cried herself nearly to sleep and her heart skipped a beat at the knock. She got up slowly and headed towards the door. Half of her hoped it was Booth, but the other half knew it couldn't be him. A couple of hours weren't enough time for him. She opened the door to find Angela standing on the other side, the look of concern written all over her face.
"Sweetie, are you okay?" That was all she could think to say. What had happened was bad. And Brennan's current state emphasized that point.
"What do you think, Ange? Of course I'm not okay. I'm so..." Brennan shook her head "… Stupid. What the hell is wrong with me?"
"Sweetie, what happened out there?"
"I have no idea. It's like my head was screaming for me to stop and tell him he was absolutely right, but I just kept yelling. What am I going to do?" Brennan said desperately before walking back to the couch and sitting down. For once Angela didn't know what to say.
"I don't know sweetie. He needs some time. But I think some of the things you said really hurt him," Angela replied before sitting next to Brennan.
"I'm so used to not understanding peoples' feelings. And I'm so used to pushing people away. I understood exactly what Booth was trying to say to me, but I still pushed him away. And it was killing me the whole time. But I couldn't stop. And now…" Brennan stopped and Angela nodded.
"Go to him," Angela started "Give him a little space but then you need to go to him and tell him you're sorry," That was the best advice she could give her friend.
"What if he hates me?"
"Sweetie, he doesn't hate you. The man could never hate you. It would be literally impossible. He's angry, sure. Really angry. But that doesn't mean you can't fix things," She spoke reassuringly
"But, Ange," Brennan started, turning to face her "I'm angry with him, too. He lied to me this morning. Charlie called in the case to him and I could tell something was wrong as soon as he hung up his phone. He told me he was fine. He was distant. He wouldn't talk to me. He didn't walk me in to work. And he waited to tell me what was bothering him until the whole world was there to watch us argue. Maybe that's why I couldn't stop. We've always promised each other to tell the truth. And He didn't," Brennan looked to the floor.
"Everyone slips once in a while, sweetie. He was afraid to tell you the truth. And sometimes that gets the best of us. No relationships are perfect. But you can't hold that against him for long. As soon as you tell him you're sorry, he's going to tell you he's sorry, too. But give him space to realize that he is sorry. And everything will be okay. I promise," Brennan simply nodded, still very unsure and scared of what would happen between them. Everything had been so perfect. She thought they understood each other completely and they were moving on. But she also knew that people couldn't just move on that quickly.
As much as she knew Booth would need space, she knew she needed hers as well to think about what she would do.
"You want me to drive you home? You said Booth drove you here," Angela smiled a little and Brennan nodded.
"Yeah, thanks Ange," Brennan said before they stood up and made their way to Angela's car.
Once Brennan got home she immediately changed into her pajamas and got into bed. It wasn't any later that 4:30pm but Brennan didn't care. As soon as her head hit the pillow a new wave of tears began to cascade down her face. She realized she was going to be alone that night. She knew she wouldn't go to him that night, for she was too afraid he'd still be very angry. And she couldn't blame him. She replayed their argument over and over in her head. Stopping frequently at one particular thing she had said.
'Yeah, well maybe you care too much,'
Every time she remembered that part of the argument, she felt a certain pain in her chest. She absolutely adored how much he cared for her. And the look in his eyes after she'd said that had immediately made her wish she could turn back time. How could such a horrible thing come out of her mouth? And what scared her more is that he might stop caring for her the way he did. That thought alone had her continually crying through the rest of the night.
All she could do was hope with all her heart that he knew she didn't mean what she had said.
Booth walked slowly through the doors of his apartment. The apartment he had basically abandoned since he and Brennan had gotten together. He had never felt heavier and more hopeless in his entire life. The sea of mixed emotions ruined his ability to function, and he had left work early that day. He told Hacker to get someone else to interrogate their suspect. He knew he wouldn't be able to focus. He had sat at his desk thinking for a few hours before he inevitably left for his apartment.
He was angry. He was sad. He was guilty. He was confused. He was hurt.
On some level he knew for a fact she didn't mean some of the things she'd said. But that didn't mean the things hadn't hurt him so bad he was nauseous. He made his way to his bedroom and slowly undressed down to his boxers and crawled in. He immediately felt cold and alone.
He stood by everything he had told her on that platform. There wasn't anything he would take back except for having been dishonest with her that morning. She was right. He had lied to her. Looked straight into her eyes… and lied. He'd promised her so many times in the past he would never do that to her, that he would always be honest. But he hadn't been. And he couldn't help but think that maybe if he had, things wouldn't have turned out the way they did. They were both wrong. And he knew it.
But he also knew that he couldn't go to her. He couldn't be the one to initiate fixing what had happened. It had to be her. Because he knew if he looked at her face right now, all he'd do was apologize endlessly and tell her she had nothing to be sorry for. But that wasn't true. And he wasn't strong at this time. He needed to wait for her.
He pictured her at her office desk or on the forensic platform just going on with her day. He pictured her trying to ignore what had happened between them and her pushing it away like she had done many times in the past in other situations. That thought made his stomach ache even more.
Then he pictured her crying. On the one hand, he would rather she'd be crying then pushing her emotions away. But on the other hand it killed him to picture her upset and alone in her apartment without his arms around her.
There was nothing he could do now to make himself feel better. All he could do was hope and wait she would eventually knock on his door, because now it was up to her what would ultimately happen between them.
The next morning Brennan woke up in a haze. Her head felt so heavy, she couldn't get herself out of bed. She was thankful it was Saturday and didn't have to force herself to go to work. She didn't see herself getting out of that bed all day. She was still too afraid to go to Booth. But she knew she would have to eventually, or things would be ruined between them.
Booth hadn't slept at all that night. He couldn't bring himself to relax enough and had given up around midnight or so and watched television until he felt numb. It was nearly 10 in the morning when he decided he needed to do something with himself. He got up and took a look at his apartment. Everything was covered in dust and it didn't feel like home to him anymore. He felt alone and depressed in the place he'd always been so proud of. He found a black shoe box on his shelf covered in dust and brought it to the center of his living room and sat on the floor. He opened it and began to go through the pictures inside. He spent the next few hours just looking at photos. Some as old as when he was in the army, and others as new as a month or two ago.
Pictures of him and Teddy, pictures of him and Jared, pictures of him and Parker, pictures with the squints… Everything was there. It was around 1pm when he came across a picture that nearly made him burst into sobs. It was a picture of him and Brennan hugging by the reflecting pool. They both looked so happy that it surprised him they weren't already a couple at that time. If some stranger picked up that photo, they would immediately assume they were a couple in love. He remembered that day. The squints and him had gone out to lunch and decided to take a walk around the city. Angela had brought her camera and took pictures of everything. Booth had been walking beside Brennan in front of the others, talking and laughing. Angela had told them to turn around and hug so she could take a picture.
As he stared at that picture he couldn't help but miss her incredibly. He wish she was there to find that picture with him. He got up and began rummaging through boxes until he found a frame. He put the picture inside of it and brought it to his bedroom, placing it in his closet to be put out later when looking at it wouldn't send pains through his body.
He got into the shower and let the water run over his body for a long hour or so, not being able to actually wash because his entire bathroom had basically been relocated to Brennan's apartment. When he finally got out, he lay down in his bed again and thought endlessly. Time had stopped and he felt he was going to be stuck in that moment forever, in his bed waiting for her to knock on his door, but that being impossible because he was frozen. He pictured her telling him that time standing still would be impossible, going into some squinty explanation, and it actually brought a smile to his face. He knew in his heart that things would be okay. He just needed to wait. He knew she would come through for him. He wasn't going to let himself think otherwise. At least for as long as he was strong enough to do so.
It was reaching 11pm and Brennan wondered how she had gotten there. She sat in the middle of her bed, knees pulled to her chest, head rested atop them. She thought about what she was going to say to him when she finally gathered the courage to walk out the door, get in her car and drive herself to his apartment where she knew he would be. There was nothing she could think that she could say that would let him know how sorry she was. She knew she wouldn't be able to plan what she would say to him. It just had to happen like things always did with them.
She wondered what Booth would be doing right now. What he would be thinking about. She hoped with every fiber of her being she hadn't caused him to go out and gamble. That thought made her sick. If she had caused anything like that she would never ever forgive herself. That was when she looked around the room and took in the image of random articles of Booth's clothing littering her floor. And her mind immediately went to the image of Booth cold and alone in his apartment. She took a deep breath and realized she needed to go; if things were ever going to be fixed, it had to be now. She slowly got out of bed and didn't bother putting on real clothes. She grabbed her keys and a sweat shirt and made her way out to her car.
15 minutes later she was at his front door. She rested her forehead against the wood and took a deep breath.
Booth lay in his bed and looked at the clock.
'11:30'
As soon as he decided tonight wasn't going to be the night she would be coming over, and decided he needed to try and sleep, he heard the knock on his door. Butterflies immediately flew through his stomach frantically as he pulled himself from his covers and made way to his front door.
He took a deep breath and slowly undid the chain, turned the doorknob to slowly open the door which revealed the most beautiful thing he thought he'd ever see.
She stood in front of him; hair a mess, wearing a big sweater and lounge pants. Her hands were shoved into the front pocket of the sweater. Her feet were bare and her head was slumped, but her eyes were looking into his.
"Bones," He said quietly and simply.
'Thank God' ran through his over and over.
"Hi," Her voice cracked as she tried to hold back tears. He couldn't help but break into a few tears. She looked so ashamed. Shoulders slumped, head bowed, as she wobbled back and forth on her bare feet, rubbing them together.
"You're cold,"
Her immediate reaction was to tell him she was fine. But she stopped herself and decided not to lie. She just nodded her head and looked at the ground.
He took a gentle hold of her arm, intending to guide her inside, but as soon as he touched her arm, his expression turned surprised. He furrowed his brows, and his hand trailed down the length of her arm and pulled one hand free of the pocket to find that it was trembling uncontrollably. She immediately averted her gaze lower to the floor.
"Baby," He whispered as he held and watched her hand. It was barely audible, but she still heard it. And she didn't stand a chance against the sobs that immediately escaped her mouth. He let her face slam into his chest and he closed the door behind them, letting his arms wrap around her "Don't be afraid… talk to me," He wanted to sound reassuring, he didn't want there to be any arguing. But he knew they needed to talk. And by the looks of her he knew she as afraid of what he might say to her. So he let himself hug her and be a comforting boyfriend. After all, she did come to his apartment by herself. And that was big.
She took a deep, shaky breath and looked into his eyes "I'm so sorry" She continued to cry and Booth wiped her tears away as they came, while his own fell freely down his face "I know you care about me and I know you love me and I adore you for that," Nothing sounded more perfect going through his ears than what she had just said "I understood everything you were saying but I couldn't stop being the way I've always been. I was horrible to you. You can never care too much for me. I've never had anyone that cares so much. And I don't know what I would do if I lost that. I was stupid. I couldn't have been worse. I don't blame you if you hate me for it," He closed his eyes and rested his forehead desperately on hers as she continued "I trust you to know what's best for me and I don't know how else to explain how sorry I am. I just hope you can forgive me," He wrapped his arms tightly around her shoulders.
"I'm sorry I lied to you. I didn't know what else to do. I guess on some level I was hoping it would all go away. I was afraid to tell you I didn't want to put your safety at risk… fearing you would react the way you did. What you said hurt me. A lot. But, baby, I could never hate you," He squeezed her tighter when he said 'never'. He pulled away from her slightly to look at her "I love you very, very much. And no matter how bad or how much we fight, that's never going to change," Their eyes danced for a second before he finished "I promise"
"I don't ever want to fight with you again. I was so scared," She squeaked and Booth tightened his grip on her.
"I couldn't agree with that more," He said honestly before he buried his face into the top of her shoulder and continued to hold her. Her forehead rested just below the top of his opposite shoulder and they breathed deeply for a few minutes, calming themselves down.
"I love you," Brennan whispered into his body. She clutched his shirt in both her hands, never wanting to let him go.
"I'll always love you, too," He replied sincerely, pulling away to kiss her forehead.
He tilted his head and captured her lips with his. It was at that moment that all the remaining weight of what happened between them was lifted. They kissed for several minutes before he pulled away and placed his forehead back against hers.
"I am. So. Tired," He said to try and ease the tension a little, but he was also telling the complete truth.
"Yeah, forgive me if I fall asleep right here," She joked and then looked up at him "You haven't slept at all?"
"Can you blame me?" She shook her head and chuckled through her nose "You?"
"Only a little. But it might as well have been none," She sighed and closed her eyes, suddenly even more aware of her state of exhaustion.
"Lullaby, and goodnight, go to sleep little Bones," Booth started to sing as he rocked her back and forth.
"What are you doing?" She opened her eyes and looked up at him.
"Singing you a lullaby," He said before continuing "Sleepyhead, close your eyes, Boothie's right here beside you," He scooped her up in his arms and continued to sing "I'll protect you from harm, you will wake in my arms. Guardian angels are near, so sleep on, with no fear,"
Even though she felt ridiculous letting him sing to her like that, and she knew he was just joking around, the way he sounded when he sang soothed her and she allowed him to continue.
"Guardian angels are near, so sleep on, with no fear. Lullaby, and sleep tight, hush! My darling is sleeping," He laid her down in his bed and pulled the blankets over her and he curled up beside her "on my sheets white as cream, with her head full of dreams…" He kissed the back of her head "Good night, Bones," He whispered into her ear, but she was already asleep.