Sorry it's been so long, you guys. Some major RL issues. Got laid off. Enough said!
SunflowerFran is the best beta/cheerleader ever!
Recap:
This could work. I could live in Chicago. Away from… all this.
Maybe a new place would be good for me.
Maybe it will help me move on and forget about Edward.
Chapter 19
.
October 20, 2011
.
Convincing Kate was no trouble at all. All I had to do was plant the idea in her head. I used subtlety, and some sneaky, manipulative skills I had inevitably picked up form a particular lawyer, who shall remain unnamed for the benefit of all involved.
Rosalie, on the other hand, was a much harder sell.
"What do you mean you're going to Chicago? Why? How- WHY?"
"Ro, Kate was supposed to be cutting back but she's actually taken on more now that she's taken over the expansion. She wants me there to help sort this out."
Ok. So that is a slightly skewed version of the truth. Kate did want me there, but she wouldn't have asked me to leave New York in a million years if I hadn't dropped the hint that I wouldn't mind moving temporarily until things settled down.
Yes, I made her think it was her idea. And yes, I feel a tad guilty about the almost-Machiavellian scheming, but in my defense, I used my evil powers for good.
Rosalie's pursed lips and her overall skeptical demeanor indicated she wasn't buying it at all.
"Oh, please! Kate is a tough old biddy. She can out-work both of us combined even though she's twice our age, so don't feed me this cock and bull story and tell me what this is really about? Because if this is about Ed- uh, what I think this is about, I'm going to blow a gasket!"
By that point, Rose was turning an unhealthy shade of puce and I was worried about her health and the precious cargo in her belly. So I asked her to calm down, and only resumed after she'd taken a few deep breaths.
"And you can say his name, okay? Edward." I raised an indignant eyebrow, not letting the churning in my belly show on my face. "I'm not going to crumble at the mention of his name, you know? You don't have to walk on eggshells around me."
"That's what you say, but your actions contradict you." She had lost some steam from her previous tirade, but her words were still barbed.
"That was one time, Rosalie! One. Time. You couldn't expect me to be all right five minutes after I discovered his lies. That's just-"
"No, you're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. But Bella, you can't let him rule your life—especially after what that son of a bitch did."
"I'm not. You have to understand that this has more to do with me than what he did to me. I need to move on, Ro, but I can't do that when he's just there all the fucking time! He's in my home. He's in my office. He's- just- I can't look at him without thinking about all that. I just…can't.
"I need space, Ro," I continued after a weary sigh, "And time; to come to terms with it all; to move past it. I can't do that here."
"So? Move then." At my cocked eyebrow, she clarified, "Somewhere within the five boroughs of New York. You can stay with me and Em till you find a place."
I was shaking my head before she finished speaking. "Ro, I can't impose on you guys like that. You're expecting a baby in a few months."
"And since when do you sleep in a crib?"
I allowed my lips to quirk, but stuck to my point, "I also don't sleep on anything desecrated by your lovemaking!"
"We haven't done it in the guest room!"
"Please! Tell that to someone who hasn't been unfortunate enough to witness you guys in action." I shuddered and we both laughed.
After a long pause, Rose asked softly, "You're sure you want this? For yourself?"
"I won't know unless I try."
There. That was as honest as I was going to get. Moreover, it had seemed to appease Rose enough.
.
November, 2011
.
I remember my first year at NYU, when my peers were alternately surprised or impressed when I told them I was from Seattle. They would marvel at how brave and adventurous I was to have moved so far away from home for college. They would be appropriately interested in what 'back home' was like, and, unfailingly, they would ask which place I liked better. That's where my reluctance to compare two cities was born. Every city is what it is. Seattle has its highs, just as New York has its lows. Neither is better than the other is.
Nevertheless, I can't help comparing New York and Chicago.
Compared to the frenetic pace of New York, I found Chicago to be quite serene. Calmer.
Here, I can stop to buy a bagel from the cart outside the office and people aren't going to trample all over me while I'm rummaging for change in my purse.
I can breathe here.
But I miss the familiar faces. I miss the smiles I used to exchange with the kind security guard outside the office building. I miss the pretty coffee shop barista who always subtly flirted with me, and sometimes even gave me a brownie – on the house – in the hopes that I would switch teams. I miss seeing Rose and Emmett, having dinner with them, laughing, sharing crazy work stories.
And, my God, I miss him. More than I thought I would.
I tried to sweep it under the rug. I threw myself into work all day long, barely taking breaks. But alone at night, in my temporary home, my thoughts inevitably shifted to him. I had tried to focus on the good times we'd had together, but it was too painful.
In short, Chicago was everything I'd expected, but nothing like I'd hoped. But then, it didn't quite seem right to blame my depression on the Windy City.
.
"Give me your words," his words, a whisper on my skin.
I don't quite recall how we got here. I vaguely remember an element of research involved; purely intellectual curiosity, of course. I'm sure there was a very stimulating discussion – involving red herrings and possibly even Chekov's gun – that led to him talking me out of my clothes. And now, I was supine, with him hovering over me, his forearms holding his weight.
Exploring – his word, not mine.
Jurisdiction: my body.
Weapon: nothing but his mouth.
Oh, but he didn't play fair; a slight brush of his scruff here, his hair teasing and tickling me there, his nose trailing … well, everywhere.
But I wasn't complaining.
"I- It's … more- Oh!" I garbled back as he drove me crazy with his teeth, occasionally accompanied by his tongue.
"More what?"
A mix of impish amusement and masculine pride blended into the tenor of his voice.
"More intensity, more pressure," I held his smoldering gaze meaningfully for a moment, my body coiled tightly at the zenith of pleasure, "More beauty… Just more… everything to a superlative degree."
"Good answer," he rasped as he took me over the edge.
I came to, disgruntled, but unsurprised by the conspicuous wetness between my legs. Just because it hadn't happened since I came to Chicago, doesn't mean it had stopped. A glance at the clock told me it was far too early to be awake, but the tightness in my body indicated I was too wound up to sleep. So I did the only thing I could.
I fingered myself until I came, shouting his name at the top of my lungs.
Then I burst into bitter tears – spent and miserable.
.
December 5, 2011
.
"Bella! Just the person I wanted to see." Kate's eyes lit up when I stuck my head in her office the following afternoon. "I've been meaning to talk to you for a while."
"You have? Well, why didn't you ring Holly? I would've been here in two shakes of a lamb's tail!" I joked as I settled into a comfortable chair across from her.
"Oh, no, it wasn't that urgent. Besides," she leaned forward, and lowered her tone conspiratorially, "your PA scares me. She is way too exuberant for my frayed old nerves."
I laughed, "That she is. You think it's the free coffee you've approved for the staff?"
"I'm afraid it's a natural state of being, my dear."
I nodded with mock solemnity, "You may be onto something there, Kate. So, what was the not-so-urgent business that you needed to discuss with me?"
The crinkles beside her eyes smoothed out as Kate's smile faded.
"Is everything okay, Kate?"
"Shouldn't that be my line?"
My eyes widened.
"I'm not sure I understand." The pounding of my heart quite vehemently negated my words.
"Bella, I've known you for a long time now, and I have personally witnessed you bloom into, not only a smart woman, but a stunningly beautiful one. I know I'm not supposed to pick favorites, but you have held my favor since the very beginning."
I studiously avoided her gaze, opting instead to look at the industrial-looking, electric pencil sharpener on her desk.
"Now I'm not questioning your work ethic because I know for a fact that you always do more than is expected of you. But I can't help feeling that you are hiding; working all these long hours, moving spontaneously to Chicago."
Kate's eyes held nothing but sympathy when I finally managed to meet them.
"What is it, child? What has caused the sadness I see in your beautiful eyes?"
Since I had no control over my tears these days, the suckers started to fall without my express permission.
Damn it.
That was all it took to loosen my tongue. It was as if a dam had burst; words spilled from my mouth, unbidden.
I told her everything – from the very sweet beginning, all the way to the bitter ending.
"And I didn't want to tell you Kate, because I didn't want your rapport with him to suffer because of this."
Sometime in the middle of my incoherent babbling, Kate had joined me on the other side of her desk to lend me her shoulder to cry on.
She stroked my hair gently and heaved a sigh, "I have a confession to make."
My head reared back, as I looked at Kate with accusation in my eyes.
"Oh, no, not that. Lord, no. What kind of a person do you think I would be if I knew he was married and encouraged your relationship nonetheless? I wouldn't be able to live with myself."
Contrite, I mumbled an apology.
"No matter, I can see how you would come to that conclusion." She shook her head, "Anyway, do you remember the annual dinner where I announced that Edward was to inherit Norman & Norman after my retirement?"
I nodded warily.
"Well, I may have played up my relationship with Edward, just to make the bigwigs happy. Nevertheless, I never meant to give the company to Edward. When I decided to retire, I immediately wanted to pass the reins over to you. Edward told me it was a mistake."
I was suddenly feeling dizzy with the flurry of emotions running through me – I was elated, shocked, exhausted, betrayed, and most of all, confused.
"I'm sorry, what?"
"I wanted you to take over, but Edward advised me to proceed with caution. He very correctly prophesied that people would question my judgment if I directly promoted you from what was essentially a newbie position. He told me that they wouldn't respect you the way they respected me, which would ultimately jeopardize your position in the company.
"He suggested that I should first test you in an executive position and if you passed muster, only then should I make my decision public. And I may have played up my relationship with Edward, just to get an approval from the board, when all along I was priming you to take over."
"I- wow- I had no idea." I managed to say, still processing this new and rather unexpected development.
Kate chuckled, "Well, it wasn't easy to keep it from you, but I think I have done an admirable job thus far."
"This is definitely surprising, not to mention extremely flattering. Are you sure, Kate? I mean-"
Kate started to laugh, "Are you trying to change my mind, Bella?"
"I- What? Well, no. But-"
"Don't. I know what I'm doing. In addition, if the feedback I got from the New York office is to be trusted, you have strong leadership skills, and people admire you for your hard work and strength. When they see you in my office, they see someone who has earned her way there. And so do I."
"That's- well, thank you, Kate," I told her sincerely, and she patted my shoulder comfortingly.
"Oh, no need to thank me, dear. You deserve it. And I deserve the peace of mind that comes with knowing I'm leaving my business to someone who loves it as much as I do."
"I do, Kate. I really do love it."
"I know, honey. My instincts have rarely ever been wrong." She frowned, "I'm sorry I was wrong about Edward, though. What you've told me is completely incongruent with what I know of him."
I just shook my head, not knowing how to respond to that.
"But what I do know is that Chicago is not a good fit for you. You don't have any friends here. You're utterly alone."
"I- you're right… again."
"Go home, Bella. As much as I like having you around, New York is where you belong." She clucked her tongue, "And God knows what state you'll find the office in when you get back. I just hope they haven't blown it up completely."
.
January 12, 2012
.
I stepped into the restaurant with a feeling of dread coiling in my stomach. It's that instinctive sense that people get when they know something's about to go horribly wrong. However, I keep that to myself. Rose is so happy to have me back; she's practically glowing, despite the bags under her eyes. She looks beautifully round, having advanced to the later stage of her pregnancy where she looks about ready to pop at any time.
She's talking about her latest sonogram when I see him.
He used to bring me here all the time, and now, he's here with a gorgeous blond, instead. He looks dapper in a handsome, black tailored suit and she looks like she belongs with him, wearing an elegant sapphire gown. She's so heartbreakingly beautiful. On the other hand, maybe her beauty only breaks my heart because I wanted to be where she is right now. It was supposed to be my place beside him, not hers.
I feel the familiar tingle and I know that he's looking at me. My face burns and I tense, goose bumps prickling all over my body. My eyes meet his across the room and the surprisingly strong tide of emotion that sweeps through me leaves me breathless, and a little teary-eyed. I can't show him that he affects me, though. And I can't pretend that he doesn't, so I take a deep breath to keep my emotions in check and prepare to flee.
"Ro, I've got to go," I tell my best friend, Rosalie, who brought me to my favorite place to make me feel better.
I gesture lightly with my head to where he's sitting and she turns her head to glance at him and then back at me within a second. One look at my face and she realizes it's just too much, too soon for me.
"I'm so sorry, Bella. Wait, just let me settle the bill and then I'll drop you off."
"No need for that. I'd rather walk. You know it helps me get my head straight." I say as I get up, trying not to make my escape too obvious.
Rosalie regarded me carefully before she nods and stands to give me a gentle hug, squeezing my waist.
"It's going to be all right, girl." She says in a reassuring tone.
"I know. Thanks."
I know no such thing.
After I put on my coat, I step out of the fancy hotel and start walking. The night is so cold that my breaths come out in swirls of visible mist. I shiver and burrow my hands deeper into my pockets, quickening my pace. I just want to get home so I can wrap my hands around a steamy cup of hot chocolate and marvel at the absolute clusterfuck my life has suddenly become.
As I stride purposefully on the sidewalk, I hear the clack of hurried footfalls behind me and somehow, I just know it's him.
The only problem is, I can't face him.
I don't want to.
Not yet.
But it seems as if I have no choice; I'm out of time. So I suck it up and have a complete meltdown before he reaches me.
"Bella."
I don't turn around. I don't stop. I just keep walking, ignoring him.
I don't know if it's juvenile of me that I'm not listening or if there's something wrong with him that he thinks I would even listen to him after what he's done.
"Bella," he's beside me now, and he grabs my jacket-clad arm gently but firmly. I shake it loose, suddenly livid at his audacity. Anger is good – it takes my mind off the overwhelming panic I was feeling before.
"Don't touch me." I'm thankful that my voice isn't shaky, maybe because I'm talking through gritted teeth.
He looks hurt, but I don't care. In fact, it feels good in a vindictive way, and when this feeling registers in my mind, I'm instantly disappointed in myself. To think I'm reduced to this – a woman scorned. I snort lightly and start walking again.
"Bella, please."
"Please what? Listen to you? You weren't man enough to say anything when you should've. Now you want to talk?" I laugh sarcastically, though there was no element of humor to be found in this fucked up situation.
Only deep, gut-wrenching pain.
"Bella, you don't understand." He said and I stopped walking.
"You're right, Edward, I don't. And I don't even want to. Nothing you have to say will make this right." I turned to him completely and I realized I was crying but I didn't care, "What are you going to tell me? She's cheating on you, too? It was an arranged marriage. You don't love her anymore?"
I shook my head and continued, getting a little hysterical with every word, "Your words are meaningless to me now. You gave me a fucking promise ring, for God's sake. What was it for – a promise that it'll come to an end and I'll feel like a fool for ever trusting you?"
"Please don't say that, Bella. I love you." His voice was nothing but a whisper as he took a step forward and I involuntarily stepped back.
"Don't."
I closed my eyes tightly, shaking my head disbelievingly, "You've betrayed me in the worst way, Edward. You hid the fact that you were married the whole time. I feel so wretched. I -" the sobs wracking through my body were making it hard to carry on. Edward raised his hand to comfort me but let it drop halfway through.
Good thing that he did. I'd lose it if he touched me now.
"Please don't feel bad. It was never your fault. It was all me. I just – I couldn't – I wanted you, Bella, and I just couldn't stay away from you. You're such a good person and I knew you'd never even look at me twice if you knew I was married."
"Are you hearing yourself right now? That's how you justify yourself? Cheating on her and never having the guts to tell me that I'm involved with a married fucking man." I was getting disgusted the longer he talked. "You shouldn't have come after me in the first place. And if you had to, as you seem to believe, you should've been truthful from the get-go… You of all people, Edward. You've made me commit something terrible – something I never even deemed myself capable of doing."
"Bella, she -"
"I don't care if she's difficult. I don't care if she has fangs. We did her wrong. I did her wrong and I'm not even sure I can forgive myself for that, let alone, you."
"Bella." It was a plea, a prayer and sheer agony.
"Nothing, Edward, not a word," I sucked in a shaky breath and straightened my back, because what I was going to say wasn't easy.
"You broke my trust and completely shattered me in the process. It's left us at the point of no return."
AN: So, we're FINALLY at the point of no return – a.k.a. the prologue!
Thanks for sticking with me, you guys! It means a lot to me!