AngelStarlight: Thank you for reading and reviewing. I hope that you will enjoy the ending even though you'll miss the story.
Color2413: Thank you for your review, but be warned, I don't do 'smooth sailing', anything can happen :P
CaseyCuervo: Glad I didn't make your cross-eyed with my spelling SNAFU's. I'm feeling better now and strangely, writing comes more easily than it has in a very long time. Thank you for your review and your continued support, it means a lot to me.
CircleKV12: Thank you for your kind words and your review. I certainly hope you will enjoy the conclusion to this story as well as this second-to-last update.
Jeangreymullinsjr: I don't consider you greedy buggers at all! Knowing readers were waiting for an update got me back in gear and I've found that the words come quite easily now, much to my surprise. Thank you very much for still reading and reviewing this story.
Akumu Nokami: Thank you very much, what a kind review. I sincerely hope you will enjoy the conclusion to this story.
Emocloud: Thank you so much! It's great to read you are still enjoying the story. I hope the nearing end won't leave you disappointed.
Ryoko Lamperouge: Thank you for another kind review. I hope you will enjoy this update.
Chibichocopaws: Thank you for your kind words of support. It kind of caught me off guard how intense it is to lose a pet, it had been a while. To lose two of them and so closely to losing my grandmother was a real shock, but even though I still think about it every day, I do feel much better now and I'm really enjoying writing again. Which is why I have been updating quicker than is usual for me. I hope to be able to keep it up!
Hale: Thank you for your review, I hope you will enjoy this second-to-last installment.
Anonymous: I'm very grateful to read you are enjoying the story as much as you are. Unfortunately I've never had the pleasure of going to Japan, I made sure to do plenty of research to make it as realistic as possible and I'm happy that it seems to have paid off. Thank you for your awesomely kind review and I hope you will enjoy this update.
Tula Fate: Thank you very much!
Zombietdactyl: I really hope the ending won't disappoint you. Thank you for reviewing again!
Author's note:
This story is nearing completion. Chapter twenty-two will be the final installment. Because I don't want to leave you hanging for too long this close to the ending, I will continue working on this story and the next post will also be for "Thousand Words". Now I'm making it seem like my motivations are totally selfless, but I'm also very much looking forward to starting work on a new project once this story is completed.
Thousand Words
Twenty-one
It was the end of the Saturday morning and I was still lying in bed. Heero's bed. Alone. He had left early in the morning, his book-bag slung over his shoulder. The swim team was competing that morning, but it didn't look like he was going. If he didn't participate he wouldn't place for nationals. I tried to gently encourage him to swim anyway, even though he was clearly exhausted, but he brushed me off and headed out the door, leaving his swim gear behind.
I spent the morning lying in bed and leafing through the pages of my sketchbook, but I lacked the energy to do anything. In spite of me skipping classes yesterday, I hadn't been able to catch up on my sleep. Being invited into bed with Heero was a victory, but I hadn't slept any better. I felt guilty for being happy now that I knew he wouldn't be leaving, it made me feel selfish, even though his reasons for staying had nothing to do with me, a fact that also made me sad. It was completely confusing. On top of that, I couldn't run or hide from my feelings anymore and neither could, nor should, Heero. If he was staying in the States, I had to tell him how I felt about him. I had to be honest. That was a daunting prospect because in spite of the seeming progress we had made in coming together on an emotional level, I still had no idea how he would respond to that four-letter-word, coming from me.
I was startled when the door to the room was ripped open unannounced and I scrambled to shut the sketchbook.
A furious Trowa stepped into the room, spotting only me, lying in bed shell-shocked, he demands to know: "Where is Heero?"
"Uh…" I flung my legs over the edge of the bed and sat upright, looking at him sheepishly. "The library?"
He muttered something under his breath and then prepared to walk away.
I got up on my feet and called after him: "Wait! What happened?"
He stomped back inside and put his hands on his hips. "What happened is that I sucked today," He seethed. "I was so worried about Heero I couldn't focus! I hadn't heard from him since before he went to Japan and when he didn't show up I thought something had happened or… whatever. I totally fucked up." He chewed on the inside of his cheek.
"Where's Quatre?" I asked, wondering why his boyfriend hadn't been able to calm him down before he came charging here.
"In Venice," He said dismissively. "One of his sisters is getting married. Don't ask me which one."
"Oh." I felt bad for Trowa, he was clearly upset about his match and about Quatre not being here.
"I'm going to talk to Heero," He announced.
"Please… Don't yell at him."
"I won't." He looked apologetic regarding his earlier outburst. "How's the little asshole doing anyway?"
I shrugged. "He didn't compete today, so… you tell me."
"Right. Shit." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I can't believe he would forfeit. Now he didn't qualify for Nationals."
"What about you?" I asked tentatively.
"I qualified, just barely. My time was just fast enough, I came in second. I don't like coming in second behind anyone but Heero."
We shared a smile at the friendly competitiveness between the two of them.
"How was Japan?"
Deciding to be honest I replied: "Weird." That was the limit of my eloquence.
"What was his mother like?"
"Misses Yuy is a lovely lady," I deadpanned.
"Haha, right."
"When we left she called him an 'Okama'. Heero wouldn't tell me what it means, so I googled it. It means 'fag'. She called him a fag."
"Classy." He paused momentarily before adding: "Look, Duo, I'm not sure if I'm right about Heero – whether he is, or isn't. Like I said before, I don't think Gaydar is really a thing. But I just felt like I should warn you that I don't think he is. He never looks at any guy twice."
"He looks at me twice," I retorted, a hint of vain pride in my voice.
He smiled. "I guess we'll see. I'm going to go talk to him. Library, right?"
"Always the library."
He waved goodbye and then walked out of the room, closing the door behind him softly to compensate for him barging in so loudly before.
I heaved a deep sigh and sat back down on the bed, taking the sketchbook in my lap again. Trowa might not yet believe it, but Heero was gay. I was certain. The problem was that he didn't want to be gay, so that didn't exactly leave us in the most ideal situation. At least I would have plenty of time to figure it out, since he was staying. I just had to figure out what to do with the summer program at the art institute. It seemed like an obvious idea to invite Heero to come with me, but that was easier said than done. I would be living on-campus, probably sharing my room with some other guy. Everything was paid for, but I had absolutely no money to spare after that round-trip to Japan. I wondered what Heero's plans were, I doubted he even entertained the idea of moving in with his father, but what other option did he have?
I had hoped life would be so much simpler if I didn't have to worry about him leaving the country, but matters had only gotten more complicated, even without the potentially-unrequited-love thrown into the mix. Yes, Heero was gay, but did he love me the same way I loved him? It was tempting to think so, but I shouldn't get my hopes up. With us being best friends on top of us being lovers, it was difficult to distinguish an act of love from an act of friendship or mere sexual intimacy.
A sharp knock on the door pulled me from my distressful musings. I rolled my eyes. "For God's sake, Trowa, there is no point in bothering with the formality of knocking now!" I laughed and looked over, expecting the door to swing open, but it didn't. "Trowa, you can come in!" Nothing. I thought I heard footsteps, but they were moving away. I got up and pulled the door open, peering into the hallway with curious eyes. The only person in the hallway was a young man standing at the top of the staircase, his back turned towards me as he had intended to go down the steps.
I stared at the low, black ponytail. "WuFei?"
He turned around apprehensively and stared back at me with unreadable, black eyes. "Maxwell."
"Were you just going to leave?"
"I didn't come to see you. I only meant to give Heero my condolences. I hadn't yet had the chance to do so formally. It is not right to do something like that in an email."
All about right and wrong, that was WuFei, precisely the way I remembered him.
"He sent me an email letting me known he would be home today. I guess not."
"He's at the library," I informed him dumbly.
"He said he'd be home," WuFei reiterated.
Little minx, I thought to myself. It appeared Heero had engineered this awkward meeting.
We were both silent for a long time. I felt the need to apologize, but the words didn't come to me.
"How have you been?" He asked. With his hands in his pockets he took a step closer; literally and figuratively taking the first step.
"Okay. More or less. Ups and downs." My answer was cryptic, although not intentionally so. After a pause I thought to ask: "You?"
"Good. I got into the residency program at Johns Hopkins."
"Wow. That's… that's amazing. Congratulations."
He nodded and took another step. "You too." At seeing my frown he explained with a shrug: "Heero wrote you got into that art program."
"Yeah."
"So you finally applied, huh, you chickenshit?"
I was taken aback by his remark, mistaking it for a biting insult at first, but then I noticed the harmless smile that tugged at the corners of his lips and I realized he was trying to engage me in friendly banter. I chuckled heartedly. "I deserved that one." I looked down at my shoes and muttered: "I deserve a lot more than that."
"Really? What did you have in mind?"
"Asshole. Dick. Idiot. Asshole, again."
"Throw in another 'asshole' and you're close."
"How about if this asshole apologized?"
He snorted. "Give it a try and we'll see."
I swallowed audibly, preparing myself. I wanted him to know I was being sincere and not just playing along, so I took my time. I said to him poignantly: "I'm sorry. I'm sorry about going off on you the way I did. I'm sorry about not trusting you. I'm sorry about punching you. Mostly I'm sorry about not making things right again between us."
"I'm sorry too-"
"Don't."
He held up his hand. "No, no, let me. I should have been more sensitive. It was a very difficult truth for you to hear and I should have been more understanding. I shouldn't have pressed it. I think… I think I actually even kind of liked rubbing it in your face because I was so angry with you for throwing away your future, regardless of whether or not it was the right thing to do. And I should have called, the next day or the next week."
"But I was still an asshole."
"Oh, definitely," He agreed with a grin.
I chuckled. I tried to inconspicuously wipe my palm on my pants to get rid of the warm wetness of my nervous sweat from earlier and then I held my hand out to him.
Without hesitation he took my hand in his and we shook hands almost formally. It was an uneasy exchange, after not having seen each other for so long. We couldn't jump right back into being buddies, but as our fingers unclasped, I felt like we could be good friends once more if we just got over ourselves.
"Would you like to go grab some coffee?"
He made a face. "Actually, I really just need to pay my respects to Heero and then head on out. Sally is waiting for me in the car. We're on our way to her mom's place, to meet her new boyfriend."
"Well, let's not wait another year, then."
He nodded in agreement. "So… Heero?"
"Library."
"Right, I knew that." He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly and he started backing away. "I'll call."
"Yes." I hoped he would. I raised my hand in a halfhearted goodbye and watched him head down the stairs. I went back into my room, closed the door and said to myself: "That was fucking weird." I had no doubt Heero had orchestrated the run-in, but I wondered why now. Perhaps he just figured it was the perfect opportunity, given that WuFei insisted on coming by in person anyway to give his condolences and he was not one to waste a perfect opportunity.
When Heero came back to the dorm room late in the afternoon, I told him about WuFei stopping by and that we talked. He replied innocently: "Yes, so he told me." And that was it. I tried to study his features, but his face was expressionless as he delved into a textbook that he had apparently neglected to bring with him to the library. He was nose-deep in the book until it was time for dinner. I cooked macaroni and cheese for the both of us – my friend made a face at every bite – and we shared the left-overs with Norwood who wandered into the kitchen as we were already doing the dishes, perhaps he was seeking out the company, he wasn't picky in that regard.
We went to bed early. I climbed in first and then Heero settled behind me. I could feel his warm breath spreading over my bare back and his mere closeness gave me a sense of comfort and contentment that I once feared I could never achieve. His arm snaked around my torso and I grabbed his hand and held it to my chest, surely he could feel my heart beating passionately.
Two full-grown men sharing a single twin bed wasn't ideal, but I didn't mind. I didn't want to go back to sleeping in separate beds, I didn't want to make a step backwards again. I was focused on only moving forwards from then on. I wasn't going to grab him by his forearm and force him to make leaps and bounds, I knew I had to be gentle and that the progress could not be rushed. We – as an actual, romantic couple – finally stood a chance and I had to nurture that and was more than happy to do so and make some sacrifices in the process. I just needed to have his back every step of the way, so he couldn't revert back out of fear, shame, or guilt.
"I want to come with you tonight," I said abruptly after we had finished our Sunday lunch in silence.
He looked up from his books with a frown and chewed the last mouthful of his sandwich before challenging: "Why?"
"Because your father is a dick and given the week you've had, you could use some moral support."
He wiped his mouth with a paper napkin. "I'll be alright."
"Wouldn't you rather have me there? As a distraction? A deflector? Your wingman?"
"Honestly I don't see why both our evenings should be ruined."
"I'm not going to have any fun with you gone for the night anyway." My statement was bold and perhaps too bold. I felt my cheeks go a little red, being on the receiving end of his suspicious glare. "Come on! Why not?" I insisted with a smile.
"Because!"
"Ohh, 'because'. That explains everything. Now I feel stupid for asking."
He rolled his eyes at my sarcasm.
"Just tell me why you wouldn't rather have me there with you."
"Because we had oral sex on the chess table!" He blurted.
I grinned at the prompted memory. "Yes. That we did."
"See! Look at that smug smirk! That is exactly why you can't come with me. You're going to be thinking about it and you're going to have this look on your face."
"I wasn't thinking about it!" I argued with a chuckle. "Not until you mentioned it."
"But you were going to think about it as soon as you would have laid eyes on the chess table!"
I scoffed. "What makes you come to that conclusion?" I raised an eyebrow and leaned in closer. "Perhaps because you can't help but think about it whenever you see it?" I teased.
He made a face and redirected his gaze to his study book. "Fuck you," He muttered pathetically.
I dragged my chair closer to his and planted an unexpected kiss on his cheek. He turned his head to face me, a calm but curious expression on his features. His lips were begging to be kissed and I happily obliged. The kiss was nothing more than an urgent, lingering peck on his mouth until he responded and challenged me into something more passionate. My hand was on his thigh and his hand had my braid wrapped around it. When we parted for a quick breath, he said: "My dad can't know."
I wondered if he was talking about the sex and the kissing needing to be kept a secret or if he was referring to a bigger picture that involved genuine attraction and love. And the second question on my mind was whether he didn't want him to know only because his father paid for all of his expenses, or if he would never want him to know in some strange attempt to get the approval of a man he despised. But I knew better than to spoil the moment by asking him the extent of the secret he needed me to keep and simply continued kissing him.
For the rest of the afternoon I let him study in peace and I sat on the opposite end of the table in the quiet study room finishing one of my own projects, occasionally taking a break by sketching his eyes underneath the footnotes of the copy of the literature list for my last semester. I shook my head at how hopelessly in love I was. In the past I would have judged girls for being equally obsessed with me.
We went back to our room for a quick change of clothes, making ourselves a little bit more presentable for Sunday dinner. Heero made a begrudging call to his father to confer if it was alright if I tagged along and according to him his father had been enthusiastic to receive another guest. As Heero has said in the past, his father always loved an opportunity to impress people. He just wanted someone to sit across from him at the dinner table and go "oh…" and "ah…" in response to his – in his mind epic- tales.
"You could have gone out for pizza with the guys and play videogames at Obie's," Heero reminded me stoically in the cab, on our way to his father's house.
"I know. Don't worry about it. I'll find a way to entertain myself," I winked at him.
My friend was hardly amused. "I'm serious, Duo. My father might not be the most observant, nor intelligent, but if you're not careful even he will be able to tell."
"I told you not to worry," I assured him gently.
He pursed his lips.
"Are you stressed out because your mom also figured it out?" I knew it was a sensitive topic, but I had to gauge the depths of his concerns in some way, how else could I comfort and support him? Glancing briefly at the taxi driver I admitted: "I looked up what 'Okama' means."
He glared at me, clearly angry at me for bringing it up. "Although it is irrelevant what she thinks is going on; yes, if she has told him her suspicions, we have to be extra careful."
"Are they still on speaking terms?"
"No." He added in a whisper, eyeing the cabbie: "But ruining my life might be worth the long distance phone call."
I nodded, even though I didn't think she would do that. I didn't think she would reach out to the man who broke her heart so many years ago and in spite of her ill feelings towards Heero, I also didn't believe she was out to ruin his life, he was still her own son, after all.
At the front door of the small house we were amicably welcomed by Odin. He gave me a big, tight hug that caught me by surprise. Heero expertly evaded an embrace by stiffly reaching out his hand, so they ended up shaking hands and Odin patted him on the shoulder. We were directed to the couch and were offered a beer. I accepted, Heero asked for a glass of water.
"Would you like a glass with that, Duo?" He asked as he handed me the bottle of European beer.
"No, thank you, sir. This is perfectly fine." I took a demonstrative swig.
Heero made a face as he was handed a beer as well in spite of his request. He pouted at it for a moment before taking a reluctant sip.
"It's so good to see you again, Duo!" Odin said, sitting down on the couch across from us.
When I looked past him I could see the chess table in the bay window. A smirk started to form and I could feel Heero glaring at me. "It's good to see you too, sir."
"Please, stop with the 'sir'! I'm not just 'some dad', I'm one of the guys, right, Heero?"
Heero quietly took another drink.
"How is school going, Duo? Heero told me you are close to completing your final projects?"
"Yeah," I replied awkwardly, acutely aware that he hadn't even had the decency to ask Heero about the funeral yet, while that should be the first thing a father should think to ask. "Of course, school wasn't the most important thing on our minds this past week."
It seemed to take him a moment and then he looked at Heero. "Right! How did it go?"
How did it go? I thought to myself, biting the inside of my cheek to stop myself from sneering at him.
"Fine."
"How is your mother handling it?" He asked routinely.
Heero shrugged. "Alright, I guess."
"It's not distracting you from your schoolwork, is it?"
"No," He replied through gritted teeth.
"No way," I chimed in, "He's working really hard. He's still set to graduate at the top of his class."
"Good! I would expect no less from a son of mine," Odin boasted, as if he ever achieved anything academic in his life. "In a way you must be relieved," He started after a thoughtful sip from his beer. "The financial responsibilities of taking care of your grandmother would have been a huge strain on a young man starting his career."
I could literally feel him seething beside me – rightfully so. He was too angry to respond, so I said: "I'm sure it didn't so much feel as a strain to Heero as it did a privilege; to get a chance to take care of his grandmother the way she had always taken care of him."
He smiled and brushed off the entire issue by remarking patronizingly: "She was a nice lady."
I put the bottle to my lips and chugged down half of the contents, trying to soothe the uneasiness.
"What are your plans after graduation?" Odin asked his son.
I readjusted in my seat, looking at Heero to my right. I was certainly interested in the answer to that question.
"I'm not sure yet." Heero was trying to evade the subject.
"That doesn't sound like you at all," Odin called him out, making a displeased face. "Now, you are welcome to come live here, with me, but I won't tolerate that kind of attitude. You need to have a plan."
Heero visibly stiffened at the offer to come live with him. Obviously that was never going to happen, but I was curious, what option did he have?
"What about you, Duo?"
"I- Uhh…" I frowned at Heero, the level of his discomfort made me think he was hiding something. I shook my head and faced Odin. "I was accepted into a summer program at the Columbus College of Art and Design."
"That sounds very impressive. I remember Heero telling me you had always wanted to go to art school."
I nodded. "Yeah. Obviously a summer program is not the same but…" I shrugged. "It's the closest thing and it is a great opportunity."
"Very true, that is a great attitude." He looked down at his wristwatch and sheepishly announced he should start work on dinner. He offered us another drink and when we both declined he washed his hands and turned his back to us to stand at the counter to cut up vegetables.
I leaned in closely and softly lay my hand over Heero's, wondering in a whisper: "What's wrong?"
He yanked his hand away from me and pointedly looked over his shoulder at his father, even though the man still had his back towards us and he could only see our heads and shoulders above the back of the couch anyway.
"Heero, you should teach Duo to play chess, dinner is going to be a while."
Before he could respond I interjected: "I would love to learn to play chess!"
Heero rolled his eyes at me but we both got up and relocated to the chess table at the far end of the living room by the bay window. The pieces were already in starting position on the board. I could still remember sweeping them off the table with a single move of my arm and placing Heero on top of the surface to proceed to suck his dick right there. I could tell my lover was thinking about it as well. His movements were stiff as he pointed at all the chess pieces, explaining their names, ranks and functions. I wasn't really paying attention, losing myself to obscene memories. The absurd look on Heero's face confirmed that he could clearly glean from my expression what I was thinking. I casually shifted my foot under the table until our legs were touching but he quickly moved in his seat to avoid the contact. I knew I had to stop pushing it, so I did and I tried to make sense of the complicated game. Heero was merciless on the trial runs, beating me within a couple of moves. We reset the board four times before we were called to the kitchen for dinner.
Odin happily boasted about his own 'successful' life, inflating every aspect to make it seem that much more impressive. Heero wordlessly consumed his dinner. I made an effort to please Odin by appearing interested in his self-serving monologue and the man was getting drunk on my attention. By the time he served dessert he was too caught up in his own story - making big gestures with his arms and imitating the voices of other characters in his tale – to eat anything, so his ice-cream and chocolate sauce melted into a bowl of chocolate milk.
After dinner he pulled a half empty bottle of Johnny Walker from a kitchen cabinet and offered us a stronger drink. With some effort we were able to convince him that we had to head back to campus. He consented but didn't show us to the door before he had poured himself a generous glass and had taken a big swig of the alcoholic liquid. I was fairly certain the man wasn't a pleasant drunk to be around, so I was relieved we were allowed to leave.
We walked down the street to the bus stop at the corner where we asked the taxi service to come pick us up, seeing as there were no bus lines leading back to campus directly. Once we were out of sight from the house Heero pushed me, nearly causing me to stumble and fall over a low picket fence. I laughed, because I thought he was playing with me, but I fell silent when I noticed the stormy expression in his eyes. "What?" I asked when it became evident he wasn't going to explain himself on his own volition.
He scoffed. "I told you to be careful!"
"I was!" I defended. "He saw nothing! Nothing happened!"
"You were practically drooling, looking at the chess table! Holding my hand and then later trying to play footsie under the table!"
"Oh come on! You asked me to be careful, not to get paranoid, like you are!"
He widened his eyes at me. "Paranoid?" He challenged. "If I am paranoid, than I should be, considering what is at stake."
"What is at stake?"
"My life!" He clarified: "My education."
Halting at the corner of the street I put my hands on my hips. "You really think he is not going to make the final tuition payments if he knew-" I stopped myself. If he knew what? That Heero was gay? Heero himself had yet to come to terms with it and still seemed on the cusp of denying everything. I knew I shouldn't upset him any further by using words he might not be ready to hear yet, in spite of his heartfelt admission at his grandmother's grave.
"As if you're not worried about the exact same thing with your parents. Why else haven't you told them?"
"I'm not having dinner with them every Goddamn week." I shot back. "If they were a part of my weekly life, I'm sure I would have told them by them now, regardless of the consequences, because I wouldn't know how to keep that in. If that was my house, if that was my dad we were having dinner with, the secret would be out! It would have just burst out of me! Even if it means I couldn't graduate, I sure would love to see the look his face when I tell him-" I paused, but then boldly concluded: "That I'm gay."
He stilled momentarily and fleetingly his expression was one of fear before he hardened his features. "You think so fucking lightly of everything…" He shook his head. "You would throw away four years of your past, not to mention your entire future, solely for the satisfaction of pissing off your dad?"
"No. Not just to piss him off. To be myself. To be free and to be honest, to myself mostly. Pissing him off would be a nice bonus. My silence and obedience can't be bought with tuition payments. I have to be true to myself. I lucked out that I don't have to talk with them on any kind of regular basis, that is true, and I am abusing that distance for my own benefit. But my feelings are the same, if the roles were reversed and I had to look my father in the eye this evening, I would have told him."
"So you're all about honesty?" He confronted. "If that's the case, why haven't you told your friends? Why haven't you told Obie?"
"For you!" Was my instant reply. "Because I promised you I would never tell anyone about us and I knew that even just me coming out, within saying anything about you, would… 'implicate' you and that you would hate me for it. I do want other people to know! I want to be able to kiss you openly and tell Relena to fuck the Hell off because you're mine."
He stared at me. "You scare me sometimes."
"Scare you? Why?"
"Don't you see how bad things would get? How people would judge us?"
"Our friends wouldn't judge us…"
He looked unconvinced.
I sighed. I hadn't wanted this evening to end in a fight between the two of us. I had wanted to be there to support him and get him through another horrible dinner with his dick of a dad. Hoping to appease him, I offered my apology for not being as careful as he had wanted me to be and I promised him that I would be as careful as he needed me to be from that moment on. I could feel a distance between us that I wanted to amend as quickly as possible.
The taxi arrived and Heero got in quietly and I followed.
Even by the time we arrived at our dorm building the atmosphere hadn't improved. Once we were inside the privacy of our room I grabbed his hand and tried: "Baby…"
"I don't want anybody to know," He reiterated, expecting me to backtrack on my promise. "I don't want my dad to stop paying for school and I don't want anybody distracting me from my schoolwork."
"I know. I'm not going to let that happen."
"I have to do this, for her," He looked up at me meaningfully.
"I know."
"All she ever wanted was for me to have a good life; to have a good education and a good job. I can't let anything stand in the way of that."
"I think what she meant was that she wanted you to be happy," I countered, but at his narrowed eyes I swallowed my comment and apologized. "You'll get your degrees and you'll get a good job. Don't worry."
He nodded and started to bite his lip.
I reeled back. I was right before, he was hiding something from me, it was written all over his face. "That's the same look you sported when your dad asked you about your plans after graduation…" I pointed out. I felt my heartbeat quickening and my stomach turning into a knot. I had a bad feeling.
"Professor Kovalyov offered me a job last Friday," He blurted, looking very guilty.
"That's… great…" My enthusiasm was mild as my stomach was only twisting up further.
"It's in Seattle."
"Oh."
"After this academic year he is starting as the head of the avionics department at a company in Seattle and he is allowed to put together his own team. When I told him why I missed last class, it came up that I wasn't going back to Japan and he said that he would like me to come with him and be part of that team. I'm sure he offered purely out of pity, but considering the circumstances I thought…"
I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I still have to think about it."
I called him out: "It doesn't sound like you still have to think about it." I knew instantly why he had hastily engineered the run-in with WuFei that Saturday. He had known immediately that he was going to leave, as soon as the professor had made the offer – it would be unwise to turn down a job offer in the current economy -, and he had been looking for a replacement to fill the void that he intended to leave.
"What else am I supposed to do, Duo? Live with my dad?"
"Well, what I am supposed to do?"
He frowned, confused my question.
How could he possibly think this wouldn't affect me? "About the summer program!"
"This wouldn't change anything about that."
"So after graduation I'm going to Columbus and you're going to Seattle?"
"Yes, why not?" He demanded.
"Why not…" I breathed, shaking my head at him.
"Tell me!" He grabbed my wrist and forced me to turn back around to face him. Looking into my eyes he challenged: "Why should you give up Columbus? Or why should I give up Seattle? Tell me why? Give me a reason."
I shrugged and spat: "Nothing." I pushed past him to get clothes from the closet and changed into my nightwear. Even though it was still relatively early in the evening, I was exhausted. I didn't get into the lower bunk like I had the previous nights. Without a word I climbed up to the top bunk, pulled the sheets over my body and turned to face the wall. Heero had yet to move. Finally I heard him get changed as well, but in the low lighting of the single light on the desk he worked a few more hours before the room went dark around midnight and he crawled into his own bed.
He shouldn't have let me believe that he would be staying – Seattle was not as far as Japan, but it was still far away. He should have told me, rather than letting me believe I had all the time in the world to make things work between us. Didn't he care enough to tell me, to give me fair warning? Did he really believe this decision wouldn't affect me; wouldn't hurt me?
He would gladly take this opportunity to run away. But was he running away from me, or running away from the scary possibility that he was gay and that there was nothing he could do to change that?
I didn't understand. I thought things were getting better. Had it all been an illusion? I felt foolish for having allowed myself to dream. I supposed I had my answer: he didn't feel the same way about me, why else would he need me to provide us with a reason to stay together? If he couldn't figure that out by himself…
The following day was awkward. Heero tried to act normal and I supposed he could because for him nothing had changed, he had always known it was inevitable that he would leave, he just neglected to inform me of that. I felt broken, even more so than before, because there had been hope.
I really thought I had found it, the love that would complete me, but all unrequited love could ever do was break someone.
When he came back from his morning run and got dressed for class, he asked, rather casually: "Are you coming to the library for lunch?"
I didn't have a workshop until later in the afternoon, so I muttered my reply, my back still turned towards him: "I think I'm going to sleep in."
"Past noon?"
"Yes, Heero, past noon," I bit.
He was silent for a while and then replied meekly: "Okay."
I didn't see him at all for the remainder of that day. I went to class and then met up with the guys at the basketball court and joined them for pizza afterward. I knew I wouldn't stay mad at Heero for long. Even though he hurt me, he wasn't entirely responsible, not this time. He was dealing with the aftermath of losing his grandmother and the pressure of honoring her wishes and moreover, it wasn't his fault that I had fallen madly in love with him, so he wasn't accountable. He hadn't broken the rules, this time, I was the one who had broken the rules of our arrangement; it was only ever supposed to be about the sex.
He was too important to me to just let him slip away. I would find a way to make things right, I would meet him halfway when the heart would stop bleeding.
It was past midnight when I arrived back at our dorm room and Heero was already asleep. I snuck inside and crawled into bed still wearing my clothes. A little drunk from all the beers I had downed I fell asleep quickly. I was blissfully unaware that when I would wake up the next morning, things would get really bad.
So, this cliffhanger is kind of evil… sorry about that :S The next chapter will be the final installment for this story, I can say this with confidence because I have already written most of it. Please share with me your thoughts on this chapters and your predictions for the conclusion of "Thousand Words".