Chapter 21
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New Chapter, read, enjoy and review.
Day one after the prison went down.
Merle and I haven't talked to each other much. Actually, we haven't said a word to each other. Maybe we were both still shocked about what occurred at the prison or we were both thinking about how to do to find Daryl. I know I was. I wasn't only thinking about Daryl. I was thinking about Mary. She's dead. My sister is dead and I knew she would come back to life as one of those rotten corpses. It didn't sit well with me, it was eating me out. I was half ready to go back at the prison, just to make sure she won't wake up.
We stopped briefly for the night and as soon the sun rose we left our small camp. Getting as far away from the prison as we could. We didn't know where we were going. Where Merle was leading me. I don't know for how long I was quiet but eventually I spoke. And my first words were…
"We need to find Daryl and the others." Merle just ignored me and kept on walking. "Merle, did you hear what I said? Merle?"
"Yeah, I heard." Merle snapped at me. "You saw what happened. No one got outta there alive."
"We did." I countered. "Don't you want to find your brother?"
"Tell me, toots, do you have any idea where to look?" Merle scoffed. "Because I sure as hell have no idea about my baby brother's whereabouts."
"And where are you taking me, Merle?" I asked back. "Because I sure as hell have no idea where you're going?"
"You know I wouldn't be too proud if I were you." Merle started walking up to me.
"What?" I frowned at him.
"Yeah, this is all your fault. If you haven't asked my baby brother to stop looking for the Governor. This wouldn't have happened." He continued.
"You and Michonne were still looking for him, right?" I retorted angrily. "How come you haven't found him?" We had a little stared down. Both seething at the other. Merle snorted before walking away from me.
I watched his back for a few seconds before following him. Putting as much distance as I could between us. We were both sulking. Not talking to each other. Well, in fact, we were but only a few words. If Merle was thinking that Daryl and the others might be dead, I wasn't or rather I couldn't. I couldn't allow myself to think that. I couldn't.
When my father and brothers died, I thought that I could let myself die. I thought that I just could lie on the ground and wait for the walkers to come and make a feast out of my guts. I was thinking about doing it for a long time. Especially when I couldn't sleep at night, sitting in front of the dying flames of the camp fire. And then Mary would roll over in her sleep and that was enough to stop those thoughts. I wouldn't do it because she was there, I wouldn't give up on life because I had her.
Now she's dead. Her life is over. She not here anymore to stop those horrifying thoughts, those suicidal thoughts. I didn't get to say goodbye, I couldn't save her, protect her. I failed her like I failed my father and my brothers. Like I failed Sophia, Carl, Rick, Hershel, Maggie and the rest of us. I failed everyone. You might think that there's nothing I couldn't do to stop this and you would be right. There wasn't much I could do to stop this. But this is how I felt. This was how I felt.
Don't worry, though. Those suicidal thoughts haven't come back. No, only because my mind was set on one thing. Finding Daryl and do everything I could to ensure my baby's good health. I'm hanging onto the fact that I heard Daryl's answer back at the prison. Maybe it wasn't him, maybe it was someone else. But for me, it was Daryl, it's him that I heard. And that was enough to give me hope. Hope that I would find him. Hope that one day we would be reunited. We'll find each other again.
I was lucky that in this chaotic world I was able to find Daryl Dixon. And I don't regret it one bit. Some might say that the gruff Daryl Dixon has found his salvation in Meredith Williams. But really, it's Meredith Williams who has found hers in him. Or maybe we saved each other, I don't know. So, you see, I couldn't lose him. Not like that. I've lost so much already. Like many people in this world, you would say. And you would be right but still, losing Daryl, the only person that I have left in this world, would be unbearable. And I'm holding onto this hope that he's alive somewhere and that he's too looking for us, for me.
Day two after the prison went down.
I was determined to convince Merle to look for Daryl and the others. So, after breakfast, while we kept walking through the woods, I spoke again.
"I've been thinking that maybe we should get out of the woods. There was…there was a small neighborhood nearby." I started, striding over a lump. "Maybe we'll find him there or maybe the others. We could also look for foods."
"I don't think so." Merle replied.
"Merle, come on, we're not gonna keep walking like that. To nowhere." I retorted. "At least, we can find some place to hole up for a few days. Pulling ourselves together."
"Alright, let me ask you a question, toots. All you're thinkin' about is to find Daryl. What about your sister? Aren't you gonna look for her?" Merle stopped walking and was now facing me.
"I didn't know you cared so much for her?" I retorted.
"At least, one of us does." Merle countered.
"I don't need to look for her. I know where she is." I answered shortly walking past him.
"Oh, yeah, where?"
"Dead." I answered.
Lunch time was around the corner, the squirrels were rare to come by. Which was kind of strange. Maybe they knew that something was wrong. Maybe they were hiding from the walkers or even from us. Two small squirrels would sustain us for now but we won't last long like this. We couldn't keep on going on like this.
"Merle, we need to find more foods." I said with finality in my tone. "You don't want to stay in one of those houses, we won't. But at least we should go and raid for foods."
Merle didn't answer but he nodded. You know, I realized as we made our way through the woods, that it was weird that Merle wasn't saying a word. He always has something to say, even when there's nothing to say, he would find something to say. Always a dirty jokes to make but now, nothing. I knew why, though. He was also worried for the others, he could pretend otherwise but I know he had friends in the prison. It might surprise you, but even Glenn was his friend. Not the best of friends, of course. They had some sort of agreement but still, it didn't mean that Merle wasn't affected by the loss of the prison or the loss of his friends.
We reached a small dirt road after a few hours. We followed this path for a few more hours and we were able to reach the concrete road. Where we arrived there was no house so we had to keep walking for a few more miles. It was almost dark when we saw the first house on the side of the road. From what I saw, it seemed that it was the only one around. Merle drew out his gun and I followed him in my bow ready to shoot.
He banged on the walls twice waiting for any walkers to show up but there were none. I closed the door behind me. Merle put a chair under the handle to block it for the night. That should do for tonight anyway. We walked around the house for a few minutes. It was abandoned like most of the houses we have visited so far. The drawers were down, some clothes on the ground.
The kitchen was small. The cupboard were opened but thank god not emptied. Not entirely. Some cans, soup, green beans, beef. A few chocolate bars. It was better than the two squirrels we had for lunch. Merle walked in with a bag, he emptied it on the table. There were some candles, some flashlights and a few clean shirts.
I placed the candles in small glasses and lit them so we could have some lights. I placed the two soups on the table. We both ate in silence. I wasn't even granted a few grunts from Merle. The most disturbing was not so much the fact that Merle wasn't talking. It was actually the fact that we were alone. I mean I was used to hear the kids laughing around us, people chatting and having a good time and now it was just dead silence. And I didn't like it. At all.
Day three since the prison went down.
With a clean shirt on and my bow sling across my shoulders, we left the house and we walked further up the road. We raided the houses as we went.
"What the hell are we doing?" Merle snapped as we were emptying the cupboards of the third kitchen we've visited this morning.
"Looting for booty as you put it so nicely." I replied un-phased but surprised that he started a conversation for once.
"You know what I mean." Merle continued in the same tone. "The Governor destroyed everything we had and we're here looking for food." He threw a can angrily against a wall.
"What else are we supposed to do? Go back there and killed the Governor. That's what you want to do?" I questioned him.
"Yeah."
"And then what?" I shouted. "There's no use for us to go back there. The Governor is most likely dead. All we got to do is keep walking. Look for the others, and reunite with them. That's what we need to do."
"The Governor is most likely dead. The Governor won't come back." Merle mocked me. "That's what you said and look what happen." He snorted. "You surely got my brother wrapped around your finger to make him stop lookin'. This is all your fault."
"I never asked Daryl anything. He stopped because the trail went cold." I replied my blood boiling with rage. "You know what if you don't want to look for the group, that's fine by me. But I'm going. You can't stay here and be sorry for yourself." I threw the bag on the floor and stomped out of the house.
My fault. He dared say that he was my fault, if the prison went down, if we didn't know whether Daryl or the others got out alive. That it was my fault that Mary died. None of it was my fault. None of it. Only the Governor's.
The air was chilly as I kept walking angrily up the road. There was a Methodist church around the corner. I stared at it for a few minutes deciding whether I'll go in or not. I walked up the alley that led to the church. I opened the door slowly and there weren't any walkers in. It was quite simple, the walls were white, the chairs were blue. I walked up the aisle and sat in the front row.
I took a deep breath in. "I've asked you many things in the past. Things you've never granted me. I never complained. Not once, have I been angry for not the things I've wanted. Simply because you've given me others instead. And I was satisfied, happy, content." I looked up at the cross on the wall. "You've taken my family from me. All of them, my dad, my brothers and my sister. And you see, I'm not blaming you and I know I'm not cursed. But you'll agree with me that it's quite unfair." I scoffed staring down at my nails. "But if there's one wish, you'll ever grant me with one day. I want it to be this one. I want you to keep Daryl and the others safe. I want you to allow us to meet again one day. Yeah, I want the only wish, you will ever grant me to be this one."
"You're bein' careless, toots." Merle's quiet voice sounded next to me. "Could have been a walker."
"What drag your sorry ass in here?" I questioned Merle.
"You got a mouth on yourself, girl." Merle snorted.
"So?"
"Figured my baby brother would kill me if I leave you on your own." Merle replied staring at the cross on the wall now. "Praying is not gonna help you find him, you know."
"Maybe. But it helps me ease my mind." I retorted. "Merle." He hummed in response just like Daryl does. I exhaled deeply. "I'm pregnant."
Merle looked down at me. Surprised written all over his face. To say that he was shocked was an understatement. It didn't comment or say anything for a while like he was thinking. "I know it ain't your fault." He declared after a few seconds. It was the closest to an apology that I would get from Merle. "It's getting dark out there. We'll stay in there tonight. And tomorrow we'll start looking for my baby brother and the rest of us."
"Merle Dixon, I'm gonna hug you and there's no stopping me." I said softly. I put my arms around and held him tightly. "If you say this to anyone, I will have to kill you, though."
Day four after the prison went down.
"Look, I know we said we were going to look for Daryl and the others." I started. "But we don't even know where to start? Where to look?"
"What are you trying to say, toots?" Merle asked annoyed packing his bag.
"What I'm trying to say is that we should keep an eye open and keep walking."
"And if we're lucky enough, we find 'em." Merle finished sarcastically.
"Got a better idea?" I challenged him. "Because I'll be glad to hear it."
"Now, who doesn't want to find them rest of the group?" Merle snorted.
"Alright, then? Tell me, where we should start looking?" I asked Merle. He didn't answer and just stared at me. "That's what I thought." I said. "Look, we found them once, we'll find them again. But we can't do that if we're dead."
"I hear ya, toots." Merle retorted. "Come on, pack your things and let's go."
"We would have walked faster if you stopped throwing up every five minutes." Merle grumbled for the hundredth time this day.
"It's called morning sickness, you idiot." I replied.
"It's the afternoon."
"This is how it's called. I can't change that." I retorted. "But as long as I have that I should be fine." I said holding up half a soap. The smell helped with the nausea.
Yeah, morning sickness. What a treat! It started as soon as we left the church. It's disagreeable but it meant that the baby was alright, right? Anyway, Merle has been complaining for the last few hours. Mainly because we weren't advancing as much as we liked. I had to stop once in a while.
"You know my best friend Blondy, well her name was Emilie actually." I started eating my chocolate bar walking next to Merle. "So, Blondy used to say that God put obstacles in your way because he knows you can overcome them."
"So?" Merle shrugged.
"So, it means that we'll get through this and as I keep saying we will find the others." I smiled at Merle.
"You say it one more time and I'm gonna gag you with my socks." Merle threatened me.
"Alright, I'll shut up." I said raising my hands up.
Ah, Emilie, I was missing her badly. She was my best friend, my only true friend. Somehow, I'm quite happy that she didn't live to see how the world turned out. I'm pretty sure she would have survived though but not using the good ways. You see, she believed in the survival of the fittest theory. And now that I think about it, it's what we've been doing so far except we didn't do in spite of the life of others.
Emilie would have done it, I think. She would have killed the Governor without thinking when he came six days ago. She wouldn't have wait for Rick to talk him out of whatever he wanted to do that day. She would have killed him. Maybe, it would have been for the best. Maybe we wouldn't be here.
Anyway, in addition to the morning sickness, I've noticed some slight changes on my body. First, my breast was slightly larger, I knew because my bra was tighter than usual. Second, a slight bump has started to form. It was very small but it was there. It reassured me to know that the baby was still growing. In a way, it meant that it was healthy or I hoped. It scared me to know that it was growing because I didn't want to do this without Daryl. I needed him by my side and that's why we're going to find him. I know we would.
Day five after the prison went down.
"My mom abandoned me when I was eleven." I said to Merle. We were sitting around the fire and finishing our meal. "Between me and my dad it was pretty tough."
"Nice way to say that it was beating the shit out of ya, toots." Merle scoffed.
I scoffed. "I did ask for it. I did everything I could to rile him up." I stared down at the fire. "I remember that one time. I don't remember what we said to each other but I know…he slapped me so hard that he threw me onto the ground. And as if that wasn't enough, he continued to hit me with his belt while I was down. And after that he said to my siblings that I wasn't part of the family anymore. And that hurt more than the slap and the belt."
"Your dad was no better than mine." Merle snorted.
"Maybe not." I mused. "But that wasn't the hardest part. The hardest part was to see my dad, the strongest person in the world cry into my shirt. I comforted him when he was supposed to comfort me. He asked me questions that I didn't have the answer to. I hated that part of my life. It's hard to see your dad crumbled like that or cried like a baby. Painful, even." I took my soap out of my pocket, feeling a bit nauseous. "Is it your dad that gave those scars to Daryl?"
"He didn't tell you?"
"I didn't ask." I replied sniffing the soap.
"He beat the crap out of us. Beating us like there was no tomorrow." Merle snorted. "I left when I was old enough to take care of myself. If I had stayed I would have killed my dad." He poked the fire. "Left Daryl too. Never been there for my little brother. I wasn't there when our ma died. I wasn't there when our dad beat him. I was never there for my little brother."
"You are here, now." I retorted. "And that's what matters the most. And I know you'll be there for this baby too."
"You want me around this baby?" Merle questioned.
"This baby is a Dixon and Dixon take care of their own." I smiled up at him.
Day six after the prison went down.
Merle and I continued our trek through the woods. Not much happening there. Our discussion from last night got us a bit closer to each other. I knew more about his and Daryl's past and he knew more about mine. Maybe he was right, Merle and I are more alike than I thought. We were both stubborn and protective towards our siblings and sometimes we both understood each other's jokes. You might think there's a million of people, I'd rather be with right now but you'd be wrong.
We didn't know where to look for Daryl and the others, we didn't even know where to start. So, I guess we had stopped looking and just kept on walking. We had several conversations about our childhood. Like a bonding thing between us. I'm not saying we were better friends after that. I mean maybe we were better friends than before but we still bickered and other times, it would end up in an argument. A huge one. But none of us, walked away from each other. Where would we go anyway? We just didn't talk for hours until one of us eventually gave in. Most of the time, it was me.
"Merle, I think we're gonna eat some fish today." I declared after fruitlessly hunting for squirrels.
"Times getting colder." Merle replied instead.
"About that, we need to start looking for some warm clothes." I continued as Merle crouched down. "Maybe we can get out of the woods after lunch?"
"Don't know if there's any houses nearby." Merle retorted.
"I'm not gonna freeze for your pretty eyes, Merle Dixon." I countered.
"It ain't freezing, toots. It's just a little bit cold."
"Are you disagreeing with me by principles?" I squinted my eyes at him as he got back up.
"Might be. Who knows?" Merle snorted. "Come on, let's hook some fish."
Three small fishes. It's all we had for lunch. It's not much but it was good. I didn't have anything to complain about.
"Toots." Merle handed me the last fish.
"We can share." I suggested.
"I'm good." Merle said. "Just eat."
I stared at him for a few seconds before taking it from him. I smiled softly. "Thanks."
You might think that walking all day as tiring and it was. But we didn't really feel it. It wasn't taking its toll on us as it used to. At the beginning of all this, at the very beginning, walking or running away from the walkers was the most tiring thing ever for me. As time went by, it became less tiring, more natural. As natural as breathing or fighting the walkers. Now, the most tiring thing was finding food. It was becoming a rare thing. Hunting for squirrels or rabbits, or even fishing wasn't going to help us for long. And as for the supermarket, we will have to go farer and the runs will be longer. I'm pretty sure we've visited all the shops in Georgia or in Atlanta at least.
In addition to that, there'll always be another group or other people who would either help us, stole from us or kill us. But we're survivors, we'll always find a solution. I don't know what kind of solution but we'll find one. And even we're nothing close to find the others. I know we'll find them. Hershel and my father both kept repeating the same thing over and over again. They both said that all we have to do was to believe. And I'm good at that, believing. Sometimes, it might seem like we can believe in anyone or anything. And during a while I thought that I could never be able believe in anyone. And then I found them and I believed in them. I had faith in them. I still do. So, I believed…I believe that we will all be reuniting again. Maybe not tomorrow or the day after tomorrow or the day after that. I just now we will one day. I just hoped that Daryl believed it too or he was at least with someone who does.
We found farm house when we got out of the woods later that day. It was a two store house. Very large, abandoned by its owner. There was no walker in the house. So we started to look inside the house. Looking for the usual stuff, food and any supplies that might be useful. In addition, we looked for warmer clothes.
"A hoodie?" Merle raised his eyebrows when I came back in the living room. He was securing the door.
I was wearing a gray hoodie. It was very large, it must have be owned by a grown man. "What it looks great and it's pretty warm. I found something for you." I said showing him a thick coat. It was simple, brown and the collar was furred.
Merle took it from me and tried it on. "I look pretty good in this. Geez, woman, you got pretty good taste."
"Thank you." I nodded. "You almost look like a classy guy. I said almost." I pushed myself off of the wall and walked further into the living room. "I call dibs on the red room."
"Red, uh? Favorite color?"
"Nope. The bed is just large and looks comfier." I answered. "My back is gonna love the bed."
As comfier as the bed was, I couldn't close my eyes and have some sleep. I was resting my hand on my slight bump. I looked out of the window, the streets were pitch dark, no lights of any kind. The rare few walkers roaming outside could be seen dragging their feet walking up and down the street. But there weren't in my mind. I was wondering where are the others? What they were doing? If they had someone with them? I really hoped that most of our friends got out of the prison alive and safe. But I knew that some of them were probably dead.
Day seven after the prison went down.
Eventually I fell asleep but only to be woken up by a frantic Merle at dawn. For me it felt like I only slept for a few minutes. The walkers were trying to get in. So we grabbed all of our stuffs and ran out of the house through the back door. There were a few walkers on our way, Merle stabbed the first one in the head with his makeshift hook. I ran past him, knowing well that he'd be right behind me. I used my bow to hit another walker in the head. We kept on running for a few miles. We put as much distance between the walkers and us as we could.
We had stopped running a few minutes ago. We had reached some train tracks and we both agreed on following them for the time being. The sun was high in the sky now. The train tracks were following a straight line.
"Merle, see that?" I said pointing to a sign on the side.
Merle stopped next to me. "Sanctuary for all. Community for all. Those who arrive survive." Merle read out.
"Terminus."