(Author's note: The style of this scene is inspired by that of some parts of the composer John Cage's book Silence in which he presents several lectures or essays simultaneously, interleaved sentence by sentence, sometimes randomly reordered; he also mentions mushrooms.)

From: Katsuragi, M
To: Ikari, S
Subject: Archive access

Shinji: The attached login gives you full read access to the archives. You may choose to use it or not, as you will. The archive is not complete, as we didn't manage to copy everything before the split from Nerv, and of course rather little has been added since. We've already studied it thoroughly. However, if you think you may have seen something at Nerv which might fill a gap or change an interpretation that you want to let us know about, we would be grateful; but please don't feel any obligation.

Misato.

"How do you manage to make something as commonplace as miso soup better than anyone else here?"

"Hmm, I dunno. I just select what seems right from the ingredients available rather than tossing them all in, I suppose; I always like to include shiitake mushrooms, though. Oh, and it's important not to cook the miso paste, which changes its flavour - you should make the suspension of the miso in the stock separately and mix it into the soup at the end."

My mother worked for this "Seele" organisation? What was their deal, I wonder. The next stage in human evolution? - sounds a bit of a crackpot idea to me. Surely evolution is something that grows in later generations, not something you can apply to an existing one. And who did they ask for permission to go ahead with their plans anyway?

Ayanami seems to be opening up a bit at last. It was really good that Hikari was able to persuade Touji to let her stay with them. But I'd prefer it if she didn't ask about Rei; it wouldn't be right for her to try to be like her, and honestly, I'd be uncomfortable with it as well.

The dummy plug was based on Rei? For real? Its behaviour had nothing recognisably like Rei about it! If it had done, then perhaps Asuka wouldn't have been so badly injured. ... I still wish I'd made a different decision then; I wonder if I'll ever really be friends with Asuka again!

"Hey Touji, I see in the records that you got to pilot an Eva! Why didn't you say?"

"It was horrible; I was injured, and I refused t' do it again. It seemed to mess with my brain, too!"

"Huh? You refused a fight? I tried to stop a couple of times, but somehow I always ended up back in the entry plug."

"Well, it was y'r fate, I s'pose; but it wasn't mine, and I'd rather not talk about it..."

A base on the Moon? Why on Earth... oh, ha-ha! And that's where Kaworu came from? If I'd known about his relationship with Seele, well, if I'd known about Seele at all, that is, I'd never have trusted him. Never! But then, would I have trusted my father instead?

I miss having Sakura to talk to.

It seems that my mother wanted to use herself as the template for the Evangelion's control system. That's what the contact experiment that Vice Commander Fuyutsuki told me about was for; but it didn't go as expected, and she got absorbed. Absorbed just like I was, I suppose, but she chose to take that risk; perhaps she was feeling as passionate about it as I did about saving Rei, maybe that strength of feeling is what made it happen for both of us. I wonder if she still has any consciousness, or if she is asleep, as I was...

I fully understand why Misato treated me the way she did when I appeared on the Wunder. But it did hurt, it really did.

"Yoo-hoo, Shinji!"

"Sakura! What are you doing here! It's great to see you!"

"Misato needed someone to come here on an errand, and I asked if I could do it; I wanted to see you again - to see how you're getting on, I mean."

"Well, do please call by for a chat when you're finished."

"Oh, I will, I will!"

My father was devastated by my mother's disappearance; he even made Rei as a clone as part of trying to recover her! And from what Vice-Commander Fuyutsuki told me, he's planning something - to get her back? To join her? There's nothing written here about it. In the past, like everyone, I thought that his obsession was simply with destroying the angels.

So Asuka's injuries, although serious, were not really life-threatening. The worst thing for her was the angelic contamination, which even now is contained rather than removed. ... Maybe I would have had no chance to prevent that, even if I had fought as I should have done; but it makes no difference now - I see that her loss of trust in me was in some ways as bad as any of her injuries. ... Can a broken trust ever really be repaired? I'd like to try, but I don't know how - and I'm too scared to contact her.

Kaji was a spy?! It figures, I guess; he always had a certain ... swagger? about him. And he discovered about the plans that my father was undertaking for Seele. Using the Evangelions to ... No, that can't be right! But then he and Misato formed Wille specifically to stop my father and Seele, so they must have really thought they were ... nothing less than evil, I suppose. ... My father was harsh with me, but do I now have to believe he is evil?

I need a break!

"Come in, come in! - let me make some tea."

"I gather you're doing a lot of cooking. I'm sorry I won't be able to stay long enough to sample it!"

"Oh, it's just a job; but I like to do it all the same. But actually, what interests me and keeps me occupied is trying to find out about the past and why all this has happened. The trouble is, though, that my parents had - have, I guess, in the case of my father - such a large part in it that I feel guilty by association as I read about it."

"That must be tough!"

"Well, yeah - sometimes I just have to take a break to calm down. Anyway, on top of that, it's really confusing, because there are so many gaps in the record - and I think some of the crucial things were never recorded at all. I may never find out everything I'd like to know."

Is my mother still conscious in some way? Is she choosing to stay in the Eva? I mean, I didn't choose to come out - perhaps she made that happen... What does she think about me? What does she think about father? Now I see it! - she rejected the dummy plug after she'd seen what it did the first time it was used, so that I would be the one to pilot! Were you right, mother? Or was your faith in me misplaced?

It would seem that when I rescued Rei, all I did was take her from the angel's core to the Eva's. Perhaps that would even have happened without me being there - and maybe she was right when she said she couldn't come out. But still, why has she stayed in there, with my mother, while I am out here having to face the world again? Perhaps because she is partly a clone of my mother, it's natural for them to be together. Is she conscious? Is she happy, I wonder; I don't suppose I will ever know now. ... But at least I have my memories of her; that's a small kind of survival for her, isn't it? ...is it?

My mother abandoned me, in effect, when she was absorbed by the Eva. At the time I was too young to understand, let alone hate her for it... But now I find myself asking, did she love me? And, unclear though it is, I'd like to believe that, yes, she did. Why? What makes me think that? Well, there were a couple of times when the Eva seemed to do things beyond what was expected, and this saved me, or at least enabled me to defeat the angels. Was that her influence because she knew I was there? I can't know; but I choose to think so - it helps me accept the way things are.

"Well, I have to go back to the Wunder now. I'll report to Misato that you're getting on OK; I'm sure she'll be secretly pleased, even if she won't show it!"

"Er, look, can you do something for me? As you were here, I've made up this bento box for Misato, things I remember she used to like - could you take it to her, please? I know it's nothing much in the grand scheme of things, but I want her to know that I really do appreciate what she's been able to do for me."

"Yes, of course I will; it'll be a pleasure."

"I thought of making one for Asuka as well, but then I didn't dare to; I was afraid that reminding her of my existence would just get her angry again. But, er, I did make another one. Here; it... it's for you."