The following days were spent in aggravation. None of us wanted to talk about what happened the other night, or rather, talk at all. When he did have to say something to me regarding our mission he would be snappy and rude, even much worse than when he was having that fit about Itachi, and act as if he would rather be far away from me.

The tension was so bad, it was hard to breathe. I also wanted him to leave me alone. The memory of him and that girl made me want to throw up despite not having eaten anything in days. I don't know if I'll ever be able to unsee it and look at him the same way.

I often pretended to be preoccupied with working on a song just so Deidara would think I was busy, and as much I wanted to write a song I could not come with anything solid, which frustrated me even more. I really needed music during these exasperating times but I was not happy with anything I wrote and ended up tearing page after page from my notebook.

As if all that wasn't bad enough, she was still arguing with me! She actually wanted me to convince Deidara that I would have been the better choice! What a load of bullcrap! I had to listen to her baloney while pretending I knew what to do and where to look around without having a breakdown. This was maddening!

We finally reached a village after four agonizing days. Deidara reserved separate rooms for us, making it clear that he didn't want to be around me, but I had no intention of staying in my room in silence. I would lose my mind!

Instead I headed straight to the nearest bar, threatened the bartender for questioning my age, locked myself in a toilet cubicle and chugged down a bottle of vodka. Disgusting shite but it would do. I had needed a drink really badly.

It was only when I'm drunk that I couldn't hear her. I was free to think without being disturbed. She was usually quiet when I'm happy but when it gets as bad as this, she was just insufferable. I kept drinking but I didn't feel any better. The other night still haunted me and I didn't know I could lose control like that. When I heard those moans, I just went insane.

That very moment horrified me. Everything about it, the sight, the sounds, the smell, it was beyond mortifying! How could he do something like that when I'm around!

Then again, what do I care? He is not mine. He'll never be. Who am I to take away the things he wants? How could I be so selfish! What if he was in love with her?

To hell with that! Who does he ever love but himself! He was just using her for sex as he is using me as a trophy to his art and ego!

Issues. He has too many of them as do I. Then again, the more troubled the artist was, the more intriguing were his works. Maybe that's why artists are better off alone. They can't be with the mundane because they won't be understood, and they can't be with other artists as their issues would clash against each other.

I was elated when I got to know him, to find out there was someone like me who lived for their passion, who could not keep quiet due to all the inspiration and ideas that filled our heads. I felt like I could grow and bloom with him, be the best version of myself beyond what I could aspire.

However, as I should have learned, all attachments come with a repercussion when things go wrong that just weighs down on you and crushes you into pieces. Maybe I should just be alone after all so I wouldn't have to bother dealing with all this emotional baggage.

What would happen now? Should I just leave the Akatsuki because of this? Where would I go? I didn't want to follow Orochimaru's steps but how could I work with my partner again in this situation? Was it even possible for me to leave?

Damn, I would really miss him though. I've never been so close to anyone. I've never been with anyone who would listen to all my dreams and aspirations, and give me so much insight about life and art. I will miss watching him blow up villages in the purest form of pride and euphoria. I will never find someone as unique and striking as him.

Knowing he slept with that bitch was really painful but what hurt me even more was when he told me he didn't want to travel with me anymore. That travel was something I had really looked forward to, something that made me desperately want to live a longer life. I wanted it so badly! I couldn't stop dreaming about it, all the things we would have done and all the places we would have seen! I wanted to take the travel as an opportunity to grow as an artist. I wanted to be great. And I wanted him. I wanted him more than I ever wanted anyone before. Now it was never going to happen!

I hugged the toilet and begged it for merciful oblivion as I threw up. I had finished the bottle and the alcohol was hitting me hard but only worsened my mental state when I was trying to achieve the contrary. My body was hurting and I was falling into an unendurable dizziness that only exacerbated.

My kidney hurt and I realized that I've overdone it. I've never drunk this much in my life and I don't know if my body would be able to handle it. I was probably dying.

I always imagined I would die on the battlefield but I guess a filthy cubicle fits me better. Poor Deidara though, how embarrassed he would be to report back to the Akatsuki that I had died from alcohol poisoning. What a humiliating death. I haven't even written one final song. Confound it!

I lay on the floor when I suddenly heard two women enter the bathroom and talk amongst themselves in front of the mirror.

"That blonde guy was weird, don't you think?"

"Yeah, he's cute but he keeps talking about his art and explosions. I prefer more quiet and mysterious guys."

I was still sober enough to listen to their conversation. Of course it was Deidara, there was no other blonde explosive artist in this universe, I reckoned that for sure. What the hell was he doing, going to a bar and talk about art to some other women. I HATED it when he talked to other girls about art! Why can't he just talk to me! I don't understand! Am I not good enough! Why did he bother conversing with a bunch of artless harlots?

A newfound rage filled me, giving me enough strength to stand up and slam the door of my cubicle open.

"You don't understand what true art is!" I roared. "It's an explosion!" I threw my empty bottle at them although I was too drunk to aim and the bottle shattered the bathroom mirror. The women ran out of the bathroom.

I stood there dumbfounded. As the bathroom door closed I caught eye contact with a blue eye. Was that him or was I that drunk? Regardless, I ran back to hide inside the cubicle.

Only a few minutes passed before the bathroom door opened again and a pair of feet with black-colored toenails stood at the entrance.

"I know you're here, Anjira. Come out, hm."

It was really him!

There was no way though I could face him. Not while I'm drunk like this. Besides, this was a female restroom, he wouldn't come in here.

"We need to talk, hm."

Oh no, not the talk. I could not do that. There was no way. I was too afraid to find out what was on his mind. I remained quiet.

After not hearing anything, he entered and looked at the shattered glass on the floor. He actually went inside the female restroom! What was wrong with him!

"You know, I shouldn't have to chase your ass around like this! Come out now!"

I was hyperventilating. I should, I really should go out and listen to what he had to say. Explain myself. Apologize for ruining his hook up even though it pains me. Attempt to fix our partnership. Salvage the trip. There were so many things I should do. Get myself together and put an end to my drinking habits. He was willing to talk and now was my chance.

But thinking about how I would say all these things overwhelmed me. I could face the most dangerous foes, look death in the eyes, but opening up to someone? How was that done? I've never opened up to anyone before about my fears, my weaknesses, my problems. That was something still beyond me.

I was a coward. I was not good enough and that was the ultimate truth. And so I stepped on the bowl and stealthily escaped through the window, throwing away my last chance to redeem myself.

I staggered through the empty alley, with no sense of direction before bumping into some guy.

"Hey, watch it!"

"Watch your face!" I angrily yelled back.

"Hold on… is that an Akatsuki member?" There were more men behind him. "It's our lucky

day."

I was too drunk to react to anything and before I knew it, they knocked me out.

The sun was already high in the sky when I regained consciousness. Everything was blurry but I could make out that I was being carried by someone and there were three other men arguing among themselves.

"Then look harder! If she's an Akatsuki member then she must be in the bingo book!"

"I already looked through the damn thing 3 times! She's not there!"

The guy carrying me threw me on the ground to assist his comrades looking through the book. My whole body was so numb that I couldn't even move and I felt dry and groggy. I think I could feel a severe pain in my kidney but the numbness drowned it out. My head was still spinning but I tried to look around for any clues that would give away my location, however, my efforts were in vain. I couldn't see much. I should have listened more to Deidara and always wear my glasses. He's always right.

"She has to be a member! She's wearing the Akatsuki cloak!"

"That doesn't mean jackshit! Even my wife can make a cloak like that!"

"The bounty office won't give us a single Ryo if we can't identify her. We'd better be off letting her live and sell her as a slave."

My mouth felt parched and I couldn't make a sound as I listened to them debate whether they should just try their luck and sell my corpse to the bounty office, or sell me to some rich pervert.

One of them was determined to find my identify and started inspecting me and ripped off my clothings while I helplessly tried to move. He ordered the others to unlock my scroll before he noticed my hand and pulled my ring off.

"This ring… Isn't this what the Akatsuki wear?"

There was no way I could defeat four men in the state I was currently in, so I had no choice but to activate my cursed seal of heaven.

I tore my hand through the man's chest before retracting it and taking back my ring. The rest of the group charged at me and I killed them with ease, except for the one who had carried me, he turned out to be rather tough. He was a good sword fighter and could keep up with the blows of my guitar. But even in my cursed seal form, I was sluggish and slow due to the alcohol poisoning. To make matters worse, he pierced right through my arm. He was also able to slash cuts on my wrist and the side of my neck. He must have hit my veins because I was bleeding profusely. I felt myself weaken so I pushed myself and overpowered him, killing him before he could kill me.

I walked a for a few feet before collapsing and involuntarily transforming back to normal. The sun glared down at me as I was laying in a pool of my own blood. I took my guitar and attempted to heal myself but my fingers would cramp due to the wound on my arm. I couldn't play the right tune to heal myself, no matter how hard I tried. I cursed myself and remembered the time Deidara told me how he escaped from a large group of Hidden Leaf Ninjas without any arms. Him being able to render his art even with missing limbs made him the greatest artist I have ever known. And here I was, being unable to play because of a few stab wounds on my arm. How pathetic.

I guess this was it. Pain was not a nice feeling but at least you'd know you're still alive. But when you can't feel a thing anymore, you know you were going to die. Many times did I feel like this before but this time Kabuto wasn't here to fix me up. Probably for the better.

The only regret I had was that I never apologized to Deidara for causing so much trouble all the time. That I never told him how much I appreciated it when he watched me play music. How much I loved our artly conversations throughout the night until dawn. How proud of him I really was even though he didn't need my acknowledgement. How he inspired me. How much I loved him, even with his many issues.

None of this would have happened if I just listened to him and stayed put. If I had just stayed in my room like a good girl and wait for him to want to talk to me instead of drinking myself to death. If I had to shown myself in the bathroom of the bar instead of escaping and running into a bunch of creeps who would sell me, dead or alive. But that's the price I pay for being a coward and an idiot.

I slowly drifted in and out of consciousness, seeing parts of my life flash before my eyes and heard beautiful music. Music had always been a part of me, it was always beautiful, in life and in death. Oh, how I wish I could play one last time.

I had hallucinations of Deidara, I saw his sky blue eyes and his illuminating golden hair. My angel, my home, my only friend, my muse.

"I've always wanted to be like you…." A tear dropped down my face as I said this.