A/N: So guess what guys! This chapter follows Hailey instead of James. Woot woot.

Chapter Rating: T

Enjoy.

On My Way Down

On the way down I saw you, & you saved me from myself & I won't forget the way you loved me. On the way down almost fell right through but I held onto you.

Chapter Twenty One – Only Fooling Myself

I stop to catch my breath, & I stop to catch your eye, no need to second-guess that you've been on my mind. Well I, I dream days away, but that's Ok… I'm only fooling myself, oh, but maybe when you smile it means you'd stay awhile.

To wake up, roll over and find a sleeping James Diamond in her bed is a privilege, that Hailey Whitley never thought that she would ever have the luxury of experiencing. And yet, there he is. Fast asleep, his arms still loosely holding her against him. It's been happening for the last week or so since he's been back home. He had spent almost every night with her since his return. She's worried that maybe she's suffocating him, even though he's the one that brought the duffel bag of clothing over without telling her. Hailey doesn't mind. She never minds anything that James does. Not anymore. She likes the way he plays with her hair, and the way he has this constant need to hold her hand. She likes how gentle he is with her, and how he always smiles when they kiss. She likes how he pulls her back into bed after she showers and tries to get ready for work.

When she wakes up before him, Hailey turns over in his arms and studies his face. It's pure perfection. Really, it is. Hailey isn't quite sure he's real sometimes. How can someone be so flawless? She loves the way his skin is so naturally golden and tan. One of her favorite things about the man holding her is his eyes. He complains from time to time that he wishes he had prettier eyes. But Hailey doesn't think that a man could have prettier eyes. And don't even get her started on his eyelashes. When he blinks she knows that there's a hurricane stirring somewhere.

She feels a bit inadequate next to him. She's pretty, sure, she knows it. Maybe even bordering the beautiful line, but James Diamond is on a whole other level. She doesn't really know how this all happened. The night she met him after the concert, he'd been so wonderful and nice. But she had never expected to see him in person again. Then after the party she helped Shane cater, she thought that it was cool to meet him again, and even more so that he remembered who she was. The guy must meet thousands of people, she was so insignificant, but when he remembered her, well she was rather impressed. Then of course he showed up at her surf spot and they went on a non-date. It all snowballed from there really. Hailey began to like him more than she wanted to because she knew that he was James Diamond. Serial heartbreaker. But now, well….

James stirs, slowly blinking his eyes open. He peeks down at her from beneath the lids of his eyes, then closes them again, his hold on Hailey tightening. She laughs slightly and pushes away. "I still have to work today." She says.

James groans and covers his face with one hand. "No."

She sits up and says, "Yep." Popping the 'p'. "You sir, though, can stay here as long as you'd like."

"I think you should just stay. We can stay here, in your bed. Together." He wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her back down on to the bed for a loving kiss. One thing that surprises Hailey quite a bit is that James has not pressured Hailey for sex. He hasn't brought the topic up, and he hasn't even tried to go there yet in bed.

Hailey is kind of glad though. No denying that she feels some major tension every time he touches her, but still. Hailey is kind of under the impression that making love is strictly for people in love. She knows that James Diamond is not under the same impression, but it's something she strongly believes in. She's not trying to be 'holier-than-thou' or anything like that, it's just, well, she has her reasons. So James will have to wait until Hailey falls in love with him, or he just won't get any. Hailey isn't one to lower her standards or make compromises when it comes to things that she believes in.

But the truth is, Hailey doesn't know what love feels like. She's never been in it, but she's seen enough of it to know, that this could be the makings of it. James gives her butterflies, he makes her heart pound. He makes her feel beautiful with the way he looks into her eyes. They can sit together for hours , talking, laughing or silence, she kind of feels like everything is right in the world with James.

"I need to take a shower." She pushes him from on top of her. James groans and falls onto his back.

"Make yourself useful and do something for breakfast." She tells him getting up. "Not cereal."

He laughs, "Okay."

She comes out with wet hair, wrapped in a towel; James slips an arm around her waist and kisses her the way Hailey sees people get kissed in movies. James of course, is this great kisser. He knows just what to do. He has a rather playful tongue.

"You smell good." He mumbles against her mouth.

James has told her time and time again that he loves the way she smells. He brought over his Cuda products, but every once in a while, he'll use her shampoo instead. Hailey loves the way that James smells too, of course. She loves that when she falls face down on her pillows her sheets smell like him. Because, well, it's a heavenly scent.

She blow dries her hair, and twists it up into a bun using some chopsticks that her friend Melissa got for her from China Town when she made a trip up to San Francisco. She applies her mascara and comes out of the bathroom to be greeted by the smell of burning toast.

"I'm not sure this whole cooking thing is for me." James says from the kitchen. Hailey slips on her heels before she joins him. She looks around him to the skillet he has on the stove. The scrambled eggs look, there's no other way to put it, they look scrambled.

She smiles and pats his cheek softly. "that's okay. I'm sure this…. Tastes delicious." She forces out looking down at it again.

"Ha, ha." James says sarcastically. "You better eat it. It's full of my blood, sweat and tears."

"Yum."

He puts it on a plate for her, he's got everything in her apartment memorized Hailey notices. After she had her teeth pulled, James took care of her properly.

After she eats the breakfast James made her, which isn't all that bad actually, they get into his car and he drives her to work. This whole thing is a little weird for Hailey, she feels like they're newlyweds or something. But the thought of marrying James is completely out of the question, right? It's just that when she's with James, everything is so perfect, she can't foresee them ending. She doesn't know how they ever could. Even though James was gone for three months, they had gotten to know each other just as they would have if he'd been present physically in her life. They fit well together, they suit each other.

But nothing stays golden, Robert Frost said so.

Things have changed for her at work. Her coworkers are much nicer to her, not that they were ever mean, but now they have an in with someone who knows someone famous. It's irritating. Hailey doesn't know how famous people do it. She hates when people are fake, their smiles, offers to get her coffee. It's all so annoying. There's this one woman though who works there. She hates Hailey, it doesn't bother her, in fact, she even respects the woman because she didn't go all gaga when she found out that Hailey was dating James Diamond. She hated her more, saying things like, "I don't know why he's dating someone so average." Like it was absolutely disgusting to just be average.

Shane picks her up for lunch. He's a big man driving a tiny black car. It's insanely old, Hailey is almost positive it won't pass smog either. But Shane chose to buy a nice house over a nice car. Hailey can't blame him. If his car stops running, he can always use the catering van.

They go to Shane's favorite restaurant. He's a chef, so he only likes to eat good food. According to him, a Hamburger isn't gourmet. Hailey thinks he's ridiculous. Of course a Hamburger is gourmet. It's delicious, how can it not be?

"So, how's the rock star?" Shane is referring to James of course. He doesn't like to call him by name.

"He's just fine." Hailey replies with a smile.

Shane still disapproves of James. Whether it's for a specific reason, or just because it's his duty as her brother, Hailey doesn't know. But she does know that when Jo asks him to cater her wedding that Shane will like James a lot better. James pitched it to Jo, and Jo went for it, taking James's word for it, because being James Diamond he would never recommend something that wasn't worth being recommended.

"Do you plan on telling mom and dad you have a famous boyfriend?" Shane asks.

Hailey shakes her head. "No."

"Do you plan on telling them that you have a boyfriend at all?"

Hailey looks down at the food on her plate. "Probably not for a while."

"Why?"

"Because mom will make it into something it's not."

"I don't understand."

"Mom has been telling me to get married since I was sixteen. Like literally telling me, 'you have my go ahead to get knocked up and produce grandchildren as soon as you possibly can', Shane." She pauses and shrugs, "and I like James, I like him a lot. I see us being together for a while, but I highly doubt the wedding bells are ringing."

There are a lot of obstacles standing in the way of that future. It's a future that will never exist, but Hailey likes to entertain the idea. Almost like she's one of his teenage fan girls. But every time she gets as far as walking down the aisle in a white dress. Everything keeping that from being a reality plays like a montage in her head. For one, he's a super star, she's not. Secondly James doesn't believe in love. That just puts a halt on everything. Once she remembers that, there's no point anymore. It's not even fun to pretend that he does. Every other reason is less significant than that one.

Why Hailey has agreed to pointless relationship is kind of hard for her to explain. After all, her main objective in life is to settle down, have a family and make a home. She could say that it was just for fun. But it'd feel like a lie. She likes James. More than likes. Maybe on the verge of loves. But it's kind of depressing when you realize all the serious feelings are one sided. James might like her, enjoy her company, find her beautiful, but in the end, would he ever love her?

"What are you doing this weekend?" Hailey changes the topic.

"Elliot and I are going to the Giants/Dodgers game. Who knows maybe we'll get beat up like that one guy and get to meet the team. A signed ball from Lincecum or Posey would be sick."

Hailey shakes her head. Her brother is so ridiculous. He's always been that way. "So." Shane says. "You and Elliot seem to be getting pretty close again."

She knows what he's implying. "There's nothing between us."

"Fuck that." Shane said, "The last time I listened to that line from the both of you, I found out you'd been dating behind my back for a year. Part of me still hates that bastard for it-"

"I'm with James now, Shane."

"Quite honestly, I'd rather you dated my best friend. I wouldn't get as long of a life sentence if I killed him. I'd be on death row instantaneously if I killed James Diamond."

Hailey laughs. Her brother talks big, but he doesn't mean anything by it. That's not to say he's harmless, because honestly, he's not. Shane can kick some ass, but he'd never kill anyone. Injure them, sure.

"Seriously though, Hails." Shane looks her dead in the eyes. "What's going on there? You can tell me."

"Ha!" She shakes her head. "I'm sure."

"No, I want to know."

Hailey glances around the room before she meets her older brother's eyes again. "Elliot and I are done. At least for now. I lo-like James. If we don't last and Elliot wants to try a relationship for real, then I'll deal with that when the time comes."

"Do you still have feelings for him?"

"Sure." She says without hesitation. She'll always harbor some type of feelings for Elliot. He was her first. Her first everything. That doesn't just go away. "But like I said, now it's me and James. My feelings for Elliot aren't strong enough for me to give this up. I like James more than I've liked anyone since Elliot."

"Okay."

He leaves it at that.

James picks Hailey up after work. She can't wait to kiss him when she gets in the car. Kissing James is a good thing.

"I packed you clothes." James says pulling out of the parking lot. "We're staying at my place tonight. I miss my bed. And air conditioning. It's hotter than hell; I don't know how you do without it."

Hailey is a welcome guest at the Big Time Rush residence. Everyone in the family has taken a liking to her. Not to mention she's become great friends with Jo and Camille. Hailey has been going out on the weekends helping them out with wedding things.

Both girls are lounging on the couch when James and Hailey arrive. It almost feels like coming home. As if she's always been a part of the Big Time Rush family, as if she'd been there from the very beginning. They race to greet her and steal her from James. Who simply smiles and goes to find the boys. But he's got her bag of clothes hanging on his shoulder. It's pretty cute. The bag is pink and he's wearing these dark wash denim jeans, a black V-neck and his favorite black leather jacket.

Jo is filling Hailey in on wedding information that she missed. Then Jo pauses. "Hailey." She says, "Would you want to be a bride's maid? I need one more because Kendall has three groomsmen."

Hailey is shocked. "What, wait Jo, really?"

"Yeah, I mean, we've been becoming really good friends lately, I really like you. So I think it would be great."

Hailey launches herself at Jo for a hug. They girls are a mess of giggles when the boys join them. Jo immediately tells Kendall the news and they all get excited talking about the wedding. Carlos tells them he has a date to the wedding. He won't tell them who it is. They all try to get it out of him. But there's no luck.

Hailey showers later in the evening and joins the festivities that take place in the kitchen. Hailey gets to teach Jo and Camille something about cooking. Hailey's actually pretty good at it. She gets her recipes from Shane. Jo tells her that if her brother can make food even better than what she did, he'll get the catering job for sure. Hailey assures her that he can.

"How was your lunch with him?" James asks leaning on the counter next to her.

She shrugs, "Fine. We went somewhere nice."

"You never let me take you anywhere nice." James points out.

"You've been gone for three months, there was no time. Besides, Shane said hamburgers aren't gourmet food, he and all those dumb restaurants are so wrong. They're like the best thing ever created, how can they not be gourmet?"

James laughs long and heartily. Hailey likes the sound of it. She likes knowing that she makes him laugh so easily.

They all sit down in the dark of the living room with a big bowl of popcorn and a gallon of Neapolitan ice cream. They each have spoons and as unsanitary as it is, no one seems to care. They're all basically family, right? Not, but still, no one minds. Hailey thinks that she would never do this with anyone else. She's amazed that she's doing it with them.

It's a romantic comedy. Surprisingly none of the guys complain about it. Hailey is impressed by their maturity.

As she watches the movie cuddled up next to James, she looks at the couple beside them. Kendall and Jo are so in love. She is envious. It's what she wants. One day she wants to have a ring on her finger, knowing that the man holding her so dearly is the one who will hold her that way for the rest of her life.

She has her hand on James's chest; she can hear the steady beat of his heart, feel his chest rise and fall. James will never love her like that. But when she realizes that, her chest hurts. It gets tight and she even begins to feel her eyes water.

She watches the couple on the movie look into each other's eyes and confess their love. If she ever told James that she loved him, he wouldn't say it back.

His voice is ringing in her head with the same words that have been ringing since she heard him saying them.

I never saw any love growing up. I saw what it looks like after it's died, I saw the devastation it left in it's wake. You can't have love without pain, and to me it just isn't worth it.

The words break her heart and she pities him. But most of all she looks down upon herself. Why is she here? Why did she even let it start after he ever told her that?

But then James kisses the top of her head and everything else just kind of slipps away. Maybe things can change for James. Maybe Hailey can be the one to make a difference. If she isn't she prays that he would find the one. But his sweet little gestures make her think that maybe, just maybe he would stay.

She's only fooling herself. James is James, to him, there is no such thing as love. He can never say those three words Hailey would eventually long to hear.

A/N: So, what did you think? You got to see inside of Hailey's head. I'll probably do a few more of these eventually.

Reviews?