CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

WANTING OF THY LOVE

Julian woke up early the next day, though he took less notice than usual of his regular aches and pains. He felt happy, he found, and was looking forward to another day of mentoring Nathan. Next, he had decided, he was going to teach Nathan some words pertaining to battle. Simple things, to start with, such as clé, hache, pelle, pistolet, coteau, and chapeau.

He spent the next twenty minutes wandering around the base, looking for his little apprentice, until finally remembering what Medic had told him and poking his head in the Infirmary, instantly spotting Nathan, lying motionless and naked on the examination table.

"Nathan?" Julian stepped further into the room, and Medic stepped out from a corner. Julian had not noticed him before, and suddenly he was forced to wonder, for the millionth time, weather he and Medic should have been appointed for the opposite class.

"Ah, hallo, Spy," Medic said cheerily. "Looking for Scout again?"

"Um, yeah... is there something wrong?" Julian couldn't take his eyes off the boy's thin frame, spread out on the table like a shirt in need of ironing. The boy was awake, though, and glanced briefly at Julian, hands clenched into white-knuckled fists behind his head.

"Oh, no, Scout here vas just getting a little antsy, veren't you, Scout?" Medic laughed, casually filling a syringe with a pink, opaque substance. Behind him, Nathan glanced at him, then Julian, and nodded.

"Antsy? I don't..." Julian was completely confused, so Medic kindly filled him in.

"Have you effer heard of ze term 'learned helplessness'?" he asked, taking on a lecturing tone, like a professor. "It is a condition in which ze subject has learned, zhrough numerous experiences, zat zey cannot do anyzzing to stop a bad zhing which keeps happening to zem. Zis experiment vas first demonstrated on a group of dogs.

"Ze dogs vould be put into separate chambers, und each vould be subjected to a series of painful elektrical shocks. Ze first dog could stop ze shocks by simply pressing a lever. Ze second dog also had a lever, but it did not stop ze shocks. Ze shocks of ze second dog only stopped once ze first dog had pushed its lever. Ze zhird dog, however, had a lever zat did not vork, und nozzing ze ozzer dogs did could stop ze shocks. After a vhile, zhe dog vould simply stop trying.

"Zen, ze dogs vere put in compartments vhere ze only vay to stop ze shocks vould be to jump over a low vall. But vhile ze first two dogs accomplished zis task easily, ze zhird dog did not bozzer trying. It had been taught, you see, zat nozzing could stop ze shocks. It vould only lie zhere, despite ze pain it experienced. Zat is vhat ve call learned helplessness."

Julian's mouth was hanging open. He shut it, then cleared his throat and tried to think of something intelligent to say. He tried several times, but all he could manage was, "Huh?"

Medic's mouth curved into a small smile. 'Vhy, Zpy, do not look zo scandalized; Scout is here qvite of his own will, aren't you, Scout?"

Again. Nathan looked at them both out of the corners of his eyes before nodding, wordless.

"But... this 'learned helplessness' thing... doesn't that mean he thinks he doesn't have a choice but to be here?" Julian reasoned, cautiously stepping closer as Medic finished with his needle and went to Nathan's side. Julian had to steady himself against a nearby corner when he saw the bright blood and flash of intestines, shining wetly under the bright examination light. There was blood pooled all around Nathan, and as Julian watched, Medic poked a long silver instrument around a little inside the cavity in Nathan's stomach, then turned to scribble a few notes.

"Oh, no. Vell, yes, technically, but learned helplessness is not ze only zing influencing my little lab rat. You see, in his life, Scout has encountered many painful situations. Zey have numbed him, as vell as seduced him. Ze pain, I believe, is like a drug to him. He needs it, just as much as you, my dear Spy, need a cigarette directly before and after battle. It is rather addictive, I hear."

Addicted to pain? Nonsense. "That doesn't seem likely... what kind of background could be that bad?" Julian stuttered, surprised that Medic didn't seem to by lying in the least. That was strange, because Medic lied frequently.

"Rape, mostly," Medic said in an offhand way, ignoring Julian's acute flinch in shock. "Abuse and harsh punishment, predominantly from zhose he trusted most. Over his lifetime, he has experienced what you might call 'behavior modification'. So you see, he now zhinks zat pain is ze way a person shows affection for him."

"So he thinks..."

"Zat I love him, yes."

"But you're really..."

"Using him for experimentation. It is most vünderbar, having such a villing little test zubject. In fact, I vas just about to try injecting a new zubstance into his bloodstream. Last time, ze drug vas much too zlow. It backed up all his zystems, und nearly killed him. Zo zis time, I have created a more dilluted zolution. Ve don't vant him to become zluggish on zhe battlefeild again, do ve?"

Julian remembered that night. The bruise was still visible, though just barely, from where the BLU Medic had punched the RED in the face. After discovering what Medic had been subjecting Nathan to, Julian suddenly found himself hoping it still hurt.

"So basically, you're saying this is a masochist-sadist kind of situation?"

Medic looked falsely aghast. "Are you calling me a zadist? Zpy, I am merely a man of science. However... yes, I suppose you could say zat."

Julian sighed, glancing down at Nathan, who was staring dully into the bright light shining over him, face completely devoid of any expression. He would have looked bored, had it not been for the giant hole in his belly, exposing his innards freely. The blood on the steel table was beginning to congeal, and had already dried on his sides, where it had dribbled down.

"Nathan-" he started, hardly knowing what to say. The trouble of thinking of something was spared, however, when Medic cut him off.

"Now, Spy, I must insist, no more talking, bitte. I must concentrate. You may watch, if you like, however."

Julian couldn't. He looked down at the boy, so pale, skinny, and yet still strangely beautiful, and felt his heart break. It was, he felt, a metaphor for all his life had ever amounted to; isolation and cold, hard facts.

He left the Infirmary, already halfway down the next hallway by the time the door swung backwards on its axis from his exiting shove.