A/N: As always, thank you for all your reviews. You guys seriously keep me writing, you are my motivation and you are all amazing! Special thanks to HGRHfan35 and greengirl82 because they have commented on practically every chapter and always leave such sweet reviews. You guys rock! Thanks everyone for reading, you are all beyond wonderful!

xo,

JJ

Chapter 21: I'm So Tired (The Beatles)

Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets. ~ Paul Tournier

July 2012

Emily Prentiss opened her mailbox expecting to find nothing, as usual, she always checked just in case the CIA agent JJ had put her in contact with had left her an update.

She opened the mailbox, surprised to find a letter, Eric had checked in on her only a few days ago and she hadn't expected him to check back in for a week or so. She took the envelope out and headed up to her apartment.

She hated being in her apartment, it was plain and dark and she felt so alone when she was there. She spent most of her time playing online scrabble with a girl named 'cheetobreath' who she knew was JJ, that was really the only comfort she had, the fact that JJ cared enough to break the rules and even though they couldn't talk, it still proved that she cared and that meant the world to Emily. Life was lonely, she didn't interact with many people and as much as she hated being in her apartment, being outside of it was worse. Walking around Paris should have been a beautiful experience but for her it was just sad. Every little girl she saw was a reminder of Ella and how she might never get to see her again, every time she went out it was like her heart broke over and over again.

She had been trying to track Doyle, but not having access to the same tools she had at the FBI was making the process very long and tiring.

She sat down at her desk, setting her purse on the floor and placing the envelope on the desk. She stared at it for a moment, a little afraid to open it, it could be good news but it was most likely bad news.

She took a deep breath and opened the envelope. It was just a note and said simply, '1900 at the Café. I have something for you."

Emily furrowed her brows, what could he possibly have for her that couldn't be placed in her mailbox? She looked at her clock, it was only 1500, she had a few hours to kill before meeting Eric.

The hours passed even more slowly than usual as she waited. Finally it was time, she headed down to the café next to her building and ordered her coffee, taking a seat.

A few minutes later Eric walked into the café, getting himself a drink and then taking a seat at the table next to her.

The café was always so busy that they were able to talk without drawing attention to themselves. Emily liked Eric, he was nice and had offered to help her track Doyle, relaying her any information he managed to come across from his informants.

"How are you?" Eric asked, not looking at her, they still had to maintain some level of casualness so as not to draw attention to themselves.

Emily replied, "I'm all right. How are you?"

Eric sighed, "Tired, but what else is new?" He said, making Emily smile. "I don't have a lot of time but I couldn't put this in your mailbox in case it were to get lost somehow. He said, patting the newspaper he had set on his table, indicating whatever he had to give her was hidden in it.

Eric got up to leave, looking at her once, "Let me know if you need anything." He said sincerely, before walking out of the café.

Emily waited a few moments before heading out, she grabbed the paper as she left, tucking it safely in her purse. She quickly made her way back to her apartment, pulling the paper out of her bag and tearing it apart to find a small white envelope.

She opened it slowly, pulling out two items. The first of which was a picture. Emily's eyes flooded with tears as she looked at it, placing a hand over her mouth in shock.

The picture was of Ella and Hotch. Ella was wearing a pretty blue summer dress, her favorite jelly shoes, and a crown on her head that said 'birthday princess'. Emily felt the tears cascade down her face, she didn't like to let herself cry because she knew it wouldn't make things better, but last week on Ella's birthday she hadn't gotten out of bed. The thought of her daughter turning four years old and she couldn't be there made her feel like someone had drilled a hole in her chest and then filled it up with cement. It made her physically ill to think about her little girl growing up without her.

Emily closed her eyes, blinking away the tears so she could study the picture further. Ella was smiling, her eyes wide with excitement, probably from something one of her uncles was doing to entertain her, she was standing on what Emily could tell was JJ's living room sofa, her arms circled around Hotch's neck and her head perched on his shoulder.

Emily looked at Hotch, he looked good, as always, he was wearing a collared oxford shirt but without the tie and it was tucked into a pair of well-fitted jeans. His eyes looked a little tired, his face a little skinnier, but he still looked like Hotch. But, Emily's favorite part of the photograph was how Hotch had turned his head to place a kiss on Ella's cheek. Emily smiled through her tears; it warmed her heart to see how Hotch had embraced his role as the father to a daughter. She wiped the tears from her eyes, looking at the people she loved being happy together made her sad but the more she thought about it, the happier it made her. They deserved to be happy, it was hard being on her own but having confirmation that the people she loved were doing well made this whole ordeal a little easier to bear.

Emily then picked up the second piece of paper, it was just one sentence and the handwriting was unmistakably JJ's. It read simply, 'We love you.'

With that, Emily set down both the picture and the note and let herself sob. She missed her life back in DC, she had never expected to find so much happiness there, but she had. She hated that she had to give up that happiness, but it was for the benefit of the people she loved, people she hadn't expected to love. She had to find Doyle, if it was the last thing she ever did, she just had to, she wanted her life back, she wanted her family back.

Life's choices are not supposed to paralyze you; they're supposed to help you discover who you are. ~ Bernice Johnson Reagon

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