Deal with the Devil- Guilt is Worse
Four months, two weeks, and five days after the death of Haley Hotchner, SSA Dr. Spencer Reid sat at the headstone of her grave with a purple hyacinth spinning in between his fingers. The conversations he had with her had switched from his feelings of guilt and love of Foyet to the condition of her ex-husband and her son. "They're doing better," he told her, "but there's still hurt, obviously. There always will be. Aaron's trying to bury himself in work again, but the team's been really getting on him about that- and Jess, of course. Jack's gotten a little peppier this week. I think having his dad home a little more's helping with that. Ever since Morgan took over as the section chief Aaron's been able to go home a little earlier. Every second counts, I suppose."
Something stopped Reid from continuing. Frowning at the feeling that something- or someone- was watching him, he dropped the flower and started looking around as discreetly as possible. Soon enough he heard the footsteps that accompanied the strange feeling, and Spencer immediately started to get off of the ground.
"What are you doing here?" SSA Aaron Hotchner frowned. Seeing his agent struggle, he decided to help his agent stand before he completely fell on his face. "Thanks," Reid muttered as he regained his balance. Hotch leaned over the grave to fetch Spencer's cane as the younger man hobbled to keep standing upright. Thankfully he took his cane and easily balanced himself out. "You never answered my question," Hotch mumbled as he glanced down at the purple flower. At first he thought Spencer brought it just to be considerate and show some respect, but then he remembered he was talking about Reid- there was always a deeper meaning to everything he did. "What does that flower symbolize?" he questioned instead.
"It's a- a purple hyacinth," Spencer smiled sadly. "It means 'I'm sorry." Hotch frowned down at Spencer before scooting himself closer to his youngest agent. Together they stood in silence on his wife's grave, both of them unsure of how to pursue further conversation. Finally Hotch sighed in the realization that he couldn't avoid talking to Spencer any longer.
"I…I know that you're apart of my team, and you guys are apart of my family and are trying to help me and Jack, but you've been ridden with guilt these last few months, and to be honest I don't know why. You didn't kill Haley, and there's nothing you could've done to prevent it. I know you've probably been told that before, but it's true, Reid." Hotch paused in his speech to give Reid a once-over. His eyes looked swollen, fatigue was evident, and guilt was more than clearly portrayed in his eyes. It was evident to Hotch that his spiel had done nothing to ease the man's pain, so he shook his head and decided to go a different route. "Haley forgives you." With those words Spencer looked up. For some reason he seemed to not have expected Haley's name to come up, at least, not in the way that it had. "For whatever you did, she forgives you."
"H-How do you know?" Spencer asked, his voice small and broken.
"I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty certain," Hotch replied quietly. "You have to learn to live with uncertainty, Reid. Not everything's facts and statistics. It's all not cut and dry.' Reid opened his mouth to talk, but Hotch shook his head and effectively stopped him. "I don't know what you did, and I don't think I want to know-"
"You don't," Spencer whispered gravely, but Aaron chose to ignore him for the moment.
"-but I doubt it'd unforgivable, no matter what it was. Haley was a very forgiving person, and she liked you-she liked the team too."
"You know, that say that grief and hope are the most crippling emotions a person can have," Spencer said, "But I think…I think guilt is worse."
"I know," Hotch whispered. "Trust me, I know."
Suddenly Hotch jumped to his feet and waited for Spencer to do the same. Taking the hint the younger man slowly raised to his feet and used his cane as a support to help him up. Once he was up and ready to go, Hotch put a supportive hand on his shoulder. "Come on, it's time to go home."
~* Five Months Earlier *~
It had been the first time Spencer Reid had ever been to George Foyet's house. He wasn't too shocked to see that it was very impersonal and just a but too much like a home magazine. All the decorations were placed strategically around the house to match the overall theme of blue and white. Spencer could've sworn he recalled seeing the same sailor-like design in some Better Homes and Gardens Magazine, but he could be wrong, after all.
"Have a seat, Spencer," Foyet smiled. "Make yourself at home."
"You certainly didn't," Spencer couldn't resist snickering back. Foyet too joined in his laughter before throwing off his shoes and sitting down opposite of Spencer.
"My mother always wanted grandchildren," Spencer suddenly blurted out.
"And you? Do you want kids?" Foyet asked, a curious tone setting in.
"Well, yeah, I suppose. I just, I just never found anyone I wanted to have children with before."
"Was that a hint?" Foyet almost laughed.
"Oh, no, no!" Spencer immediately blushed. "I was just…I was just saying…."
"Being the boyfriend of a serial killer kind of ruined that for you," Foyet frowned. "There's no way we could ever… well, you know," he sighed.
"No retirement together, either," Spencer nodded. "No rocking chairs, no white picket fence…."
"No 2.5 kids," Foyet smirked. "We weren't meant for that type of life, anyways."
"You're right," Spencer agreed. "Besides, a profiler never wholly retires."
"Yeah, well, neither do serial killers," Foyet grinned back. Spencer almost laughed at that before he instead laid down on the couch- because of his height laying down on Foyet as he did so. "We certainly are a pair, aren't we?" Foyet asked quietly. "It's almost unreal to me."
"Me too," Spencer nodded with a small smile. "Me too…"
~* Present Day *~
"This just in, local businessman and ex-cop John Miles has just been reported dead. The young man was on vacation when a severe car crash left in hospital-bound. The crushing blow to his lungs and ribs was just too much for his body to handle. Doctors believe he passed quietly through the night. Now, on a lighter side, gas prices have been dropping very slowly and are allegedly planned to go as low as-"
"Well I'll be damned," David Rossi mumbled as clicked the television off. "I should've known," he added as he shook his head. Of course he knew that John was dead. Well, John Miles might be, but not the man himself. He was starting over, something Rossi had had the feeling he'd do since the day he first talked to him on the subway. And John deserved a fresh start, too. He had been thrown into a life a crime with written consent, and killing John Miles was his way of getting out of it. Smiling Rossi stood from his couch and headed over to his phone.
He still had business to attend to, anyways.
~* DWTD *~
If someone had told Spencer Reid four months ago that his boss was going to take him for a night on the town he would have laughed in their faces. What a preposterous idea, an obviously incoherent conclusion if one was to base the statistics of such event occurring off of prior knowledge and analysis of the spectrums and the-
Well, people weren't math and science projects, were they? They weren't cut in dry 'this and this will happen and they'll do this and say that'. No, they changed at random and did things spontaneously at times. Like, for example, a very authority-like man experiencing the grieving process taking his employee around town late at night.
"What about Jack?" Spencer frowned. "I thought you'd want to spend time with him…?"
"He's at a sleepover with Jesse," Aaron smiled. "She even let him bring a guest this time. God, I don't know what I'd do without her."
"Yeah, she sounds great," Spencer nodded, obviously still nervous. Eventually a silence fell over them again, making Hotch frown. He had hoped that Spencer would be a bit more talkative, but apparently his luck had run dry. Seeing that he would have to explore the conversation himself he cleared his throat and started off again. "I meant what I said about that whole guilt thing," he restated. "I know that you feel guilty for whatever reason, and I also know it has to do with Foyet."
Spencer's head immediately snapped up, his eyes wide and fearful. "Hotch, I-"
"No, save it Reid," Hotch waved off. "I don't know what exactly happened between you and Foyet, but I've gathered enough clues from Rossi and yourself to know that something did happen." Hotch stopped walking suddenly, and Reid too halted. "Foyet was a serial killer, Reid. Now I'm not supporting nor condoning whatever you did, but that fact has to be established, because whatever he wanted to do or whoever he wanted to kill- he would do it. No one could have stopped him."
Spencer didn't even try to deny anything, because he wasn't sure what he would try to deny. It was clear Hotch though something was going on between himself and the Reaper, but if Hotch knew it had been an actual romance he was more than positive that Hotch wouldn't be as calm as he currently was. So he just kept his mouth shut and waited for him to continue.
"Spencer, you're a smart kid- I mean, I couldn't even begin to compete with you mentally- but you're still human. You need to rest your brain and give yourself a break from all this. You almost never use your vacation time, and whenever you do take a break you read and write essays or whatever for you next BA or-"
"My BA's and doctorates need to be completed before I forget about it all," Spencer ginned. "And besides, that is fun to me."
"Well, you've got a warped idea of fun," Hotch laughed lightly. "….But you should still take some time off."
"Yeah, well, I'll take some time off when you do," Spencer smiled sheepishly.
"Oh, really?" Hotch almost laughed. "Well, I'm working on."
Spencer just blinked for a second before catching on to that Hotch had meant that to be a play on words. "That was a horrible joke."
"I know," Hotch laughed before patting Spencer on the shoulder. "Come on, let's go to a bookstore or something."
"I'd like that," Spencer chuckled back.
~* About Four Months Earlier*~
Spencer Reid and George Foyet laughed as they unpacked a picnic lunch and laid down a sheet to sit on.
"I can't believe we're actually doing this," Spencer grinned happily. "I've never done this before, you know?"
"Yeah, I'm getting that feeling," Foyet nodded as he passed Spencer a plate. After that the couple lapsed into a silence that was strangely comfortable and settling to them. Together they ate their lunches and didn't worry about the things to come. For once it was just them with no distractions or disturbances. Spencer eventually sat his plate down, though, in exchange for being closer to Foyet. The older man paced his own food down and with a smile on his face. "Mhhm, this is better," Foyet nodded.
"Much better," Spencer mumbled, obviously content with their positioning.
"I'll miss memories like these," Foyet let slip out, a frown trying to form on his face.
"Yeah, well, right now it's not a memory," Spencer replied.
"Then what is it?"
Suddenly Spencer turned around so he could see his lover and give him a quick kiss. "It's real."
~*DWTD *~
A/N: I hope the flashbacks make sense, as they'll keep going down to about 3 months before, 2 months before, and ect. It looks like there'll only be two more chapters at the very most with an epilogue. Review w/ any questions, comments, or suggestions, and see my profile for what my next two fics will be about. Thanks for sticking in this long. It's been one helluva ride, 'eh?