Remus got home much later than he normally did so he wasn't surprised when his mother was sitting in her armchair in the living room waiting for him.
"A text would have been nice." She placed her book aside and folded her hands in her lap.
"I know. I was just out with some friends." Hope was desperately trying to keep her stern mother face on, but she couldn't fight the smile that lit up her face when she heard that sentence.
"Ok," she whispered, the edge of her voice completely gone. "Try and get some sleep tonight." And she picked her book back up as Remus shuffled up the stairs. "I love you."
"Love you too mom." Remus called back as he walked into his room.
Remus collapsed face first onto his bed. His primary symptom of his HIV was chronic fatigue. Even though the day was normal stuff for every other teenager, staying up late and then out all the next day took a toll on Remus's body like he had run a marathon. He was exhausted. Every bone was sore, every joint ached, and his brain felt like it was burning. It took all the effort he had left to pull off his clothes and turn on the shower, as hot as it could go. Standing there naked in the bathroom, his knees aching, he decided against a shower, and pushed the lever so that the water ran out of the lower faucet instead, drawing him a bath.
Once the tub was full, he slipped his lanky body into the scalding water and leaned back, almost melting into the edge of the tub. God it had been a day. He sat there for a while, just letting the warm water dissipate the pain that felt like it was tearing his body apart.
Was it weird that he had fallen asleep on Sirius's shoulder? To be fair, the day had drained him so much that he had almost fallen asleep during their conversation a few times, so he supposed it was better than that. He just hoped he hadn't scared the other boy off.
And Sirius had been through so much Remus hadn't realized. And he was still so vibrant and full of life. So compassionate and caring about his friends even though the world had crushed him and kept kicking him while he was down. Remus smiled, eyes still closed, as he remembered their conversation during the day. All the things he had learned about his new friend and all the stuff he had shared with the other boy. Sirius, he realized, probably knew more about him now than any other person on earth.
And then he remembered all the times he felt himself falling in love with Sirius. The way he talked, the way he held himself, the way he could still hope for the best after everything had gone wrong. But each time he felt himself falling today, he caught himself. He shoved the feelings away, changed the subject, did anything to ignore the feelings growing up inside him.
For the first time in his life Remus's brain allowed him to entertain the one thought that scared him down to his very core. What if he came out? Told his friends and everything. People would know, he wouldn't have to awkwardly worm his way out of date offers, and he might actually get a date he was interested in. But his body froze again as he realized coming out to his friends would eventually lead to having to come out to his parents. He was fairly certain his friends would take the news in stride. They were amazing and with all the secrets he harbored, he couldn't imagine that the gay one would be the one to turn them away. But his parents. He knew they loved him, but they also worried about him. His mother would worry about him getting bullied, about herself not being accepting enough, about the implications of being gay and having HIV. His father would worry about his image at work, how having a gay son with HIV would reflect on him as a father, but mainly his father would be disappointed. Remus knew his father loved him, but there were times when it seems like he wished his son could be a bit more normal. Sometimes it seemed like he wished Remus was just a little bit less of a hassle.
And he didn't want that. He didn't want to see the disappointment in his father's eyes grow, didn't want to expand on the worry his mother already felt. And Remus had already resigned himself to dating once he got to college, or even after. He had also resigned himself to the fact that he might not date at all. Dating meant telling someone about his HIV. It also meant eventually Remus would have to introduce his partner to his parents, so dating meant eventually coming out. And he just didn't know if he could.
But when he had resigned himself to those futures, there hadn't been anybody else. There hadn't been anyone he had been this interested in, anyone he wanted. And sitting there alone in his bath tub, Remus wondered if there was any chance at all that Sirius felt the same way.
But thinking only made his tired brain hurt worse, and soon he was asleep in tub.
He woke up an hour later, his mother knocking on the door.
"You ok, sweetheart?"
"Yeah, I think I fell asleep. I'll be out in a second." The water was now freezing, and his skin was wrinkled. He got out, his body considerably less sore, but aching none the less, and wrapped himself in a towel.
His mother was sitting on his bed when he walked into his room. "God, Mom, I have to change you know."
"I know. I just want to make sure you're being careful when you're out with your friends. You have to make smart decisions you know."
"Yeah I know. Can I please put pajamas on so I can go to bed. I'm exhausted."
"Ok. I just worry you know."
He knew.
She closed the door on her way out. Remus put on his warmest pajamas, the cold water still chilling his bones, and brushed his teeth. He was asleep seconds after he crawled into bed.