Inadvisable Love Polygon

Pairings: All the pairings. All of them. We're not kidding... well, maybe not Yamamoto/Chojirou.

A/N: A minor tribute to that dude whose name most people can't remember and whose actual canon battle footage comprises about 5 seconds before Ichigo knocked him out, three-on-one. Chojirou Sasakibe, we salute you... although we will probably get to see your bankai one day quite soon. inb4 bankaitheft

"…could you please say that again?"

Yamamoto-Genryuusai stared at his lieutenant's anxious face over steepled fingers.

"Well… we're pretty sure that it all started when Kurotsuchi-taicho released the inhibition inhibiting drug in Karakura Town. I managed to get to the records safely, and as far as I can tell what sparked it off was probably a mention that the Quincy was interested in the substitute shinigami Kurosaki Ichigo. Romantically so." Chojirou Sasakibe coughed slightly.

"Even so," the soutaicho's voice rumbled, "I fail to see exactly what this had to do with the fact that my forces are currently – "

"After that he attempted to find out what would happen if you had a Quincy/shinigami/hollow hybrid born in the Living World. Except that the whole thing spread since Kurotsuchi put the drug in the sake supply at a party that one of the humans was holding at the time, which meant that Matsumoto-fukutaicho brought a whole supply of the stuff back to the Seireitei afterwards…"

"That doesn't explain why Karakura Town is half-bulldozed."

"Ah. Well… as far as I can tell Kurosaki-san's… other side came out to play after the drugs were released. Apparently the hollow got a bit possessive when one of his schoolmates attempted to grope the girl, Orihime Inoue, and went on a rampage after that."

Yamamoto put his head in his hands, groaning. This did not help his increasing headache.

"Of course, after that there was also a bit of a fight over who would get to marry Ichigo himself. I think the last that was heard before surveillance dropped completely was that the Quincy was winning. And then the computers got ruined because the remainder of the sake spilled everywhere, of course… then Rangiku-san declared that she would find Ichimaru and… I believe the exact words she used were 'jump his traitorous ass'. Unfortunately, Kira-san did not seem to appreciate that… and that doesn't even begin to brush the surface of the Rukia/Renji/Byakuya/Hisagi/Hanatarou issue. Or the Kyoraku/Jyuushiro/Ise problem."

The building shuddered as a shadow passed over.

"That fails to explain why Minazuki is attempting to break into the 1st Division headquarters."

"I believe Retsu-san decided to declare her undying love for you. Unfortunately when I told her that you were busy, she… ah… took offence."

"Yama-kun?" echoed a voice in the corridors. "It's so cruel to leave a lady friend waiting, Yama-kun~"

Yamamoto Genryuusai briefly considered jumping out of the window to escape. Unfortunately, it appeared to be blocked by what seemed to be a giant ray wing.

Chojirou reached a decision, drawing his sword.

"I'll use my bankai to hold her off."

Yamamoto almost opened his mouth to protest, before recalling what had happened the last time Unohana had had a serious love interest. He closed it again.

"Good luck."

His lieutenant nodded, looking pale as he strode out of the room.

The commander-general tried to ignore the sounds coming down the corridor as he left. This was harder than one might think, due to the echoing nature. The noise continued for about a minute, a brief flurry of thunderclaps and more visceral sounds Yamamoto tried not to contemplate.

Then there was silence.

"Yama-kuuuun… how impolite. I would have thought you had better manners when dealing with a lady."

A shadow loomed.

Yamamoto wondered, in his last moments as Retsu Unohana advanced upon him, how it was possible for what was generally a friendly facial expression to become so terrifying when she used it…