Author's note: Starting this whole effin chapter over again because my flash drive smoked crack, freaked the fuck out, and deleted it! FUCK! I hope this ends up as good as the first draft. That was pretty freaking awesome.

Harley pulled her coat around her tighter so no one would notice she was wearing a silk nightgown over a pair of pajama pants. Not that anyone on Gotham would take a second look. Weirder things walked the streets than pajama clad women. She scampered across the street and was just about to walk into her apartment building when she noticed the new Vogue on the newsstand outside. Harley wandered over and picked it up. As she pulled her money out to the pay the vendor, she knocked over another magazine. "Oh, crap. Sorry," she mumbled bending down to pick it up. A familiar face greeted her from the cover. "Tipster brings to light new information on the Joker," Harley read. "I'll take this too."

The elevator was empty. Harley was thankful since the heat in the building was usually jacked up to what felt like 100 degrees. She pulled off her coat as she examined the cover of the Gotham Magazine that featured the Joker. The elevator stopped, the doors opened, she stepped off, and unlocked her door without ever looking up.

"I made breakfast!" Joker cried as she walked through the door.

Harley looked up. He was standing there wearing a food splattered apron and chef's hat holding a spatula. She could smell burning something and she started to worry she didn't have a kitchen. Immediately she bolted for the kitchen and was horrified. "You made a mess!" she whined. There was batter all over the walls and floor, burnt toast in the toaster, black gunk in the pans, and smoke billowing out of the oven. Harley tilted her head back, pressed her palms into her eyes, and groaned. When she dropped her arms to her sides she noticed there was batter on the ceiling as well. "Is that pancake batter on the ceiling?" she asked.

"No…it's waffle batter," Joker answered sheepishly.

"Why is it on the ceiling?"

"I forgot to put the lid on the blender."

"Why were you mixing waffle batter in a blender?"

"I couldn't find the mixer."

"Why not use a bowl and a spoon?"

Joker scoffed, "That's a lot of work."

Harley shook her head and took a seat at the table. "I'm not cleaning this up," she warned.

"That's what we have henchmen for. I'll just call someone."

"You need to call a hazmat team," she mumbled flipping open her magazine.

Joker grimaced at one of the charred pans. "I think we need new cooking utensils."

She rolled her eyes and started reading the article on Joker.

Selina's slender arm slowly crawled out from under the comforter, fingers searching the nightstand for her phone. After finding nothing, a day planner, and knocking her alarm clock to the floor, she found what she was looking for. Her arm flew back under the blanket and she scrolled through the texts and calls. "No missed calls but there is a new Tipster update," she said to herself. "Let's see." Her eyes scanned the text several times, her brain couldn't quite register what she was reading. The words on the page didn't belong in a sentence together and the picture was beyond belief. She threw the covers back thinking it must be a trick of the light, or lack there of. It remained the same, Lex and Talia in a picture together with the news that they were a couple. Selina was on her feet in seconds jumping up and down on the bed while doing a little dance and singing, "Lex and Talia sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Uh huh! Uh huh! Uh huh uh huh uh huh! What!"

"Nice victory dance," Barbara laughed from the bedroom doorway.

Immediately Selina dropped to her knees and ducked under the comforter. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, I came to take you to lunch but I was captivated by the entertainment," she replied.

"How did you get in?"

"I was knocking for five minutes and then I noticed the door was open."

"Ever hear of calling?"

"Sorry, it didn't cross my mind. Are you going to come out?"

"No!" Selina cried. "I'm mortified!"

"Oh come one!"

"Isn't it a little early for lunch?"

"If you weren't playing turtle and you hadn't put your alarm clock on the floor you would see that it's 11:30," Barbara answered.

"I have to take a shower first."

"Alright, I'll be in the living room."

Selina waited until she was sure Barbara was in the living room and then she bolted to the bathroom to shower off her humiliation.

"Whatcha thinkin' about?" Alice asked as she played with Jervis's hand.

"Babies, running away, the cost of diapers, how lovely Arkham is this time of year, a surprise abortion, using mind control to make you not want a baby, getting a job in Disney World as their Mad Hatter," he thought to himself but aloud he said, "Nothing."

"Oh. Well, do you want to go look at baby stuff today? I was thinking we could start looking at cribs and things to get an idea what we want to register for."

Jervis nodded. "Whatever you want."

"I'm so excited!"

"Uh huh."

"I bet we're having a girl."

"Yup."

"Do you have any name ideas?"

"Nope."

"You seem a little dazed."

"I'm still in a bit of shock," he admitted. "This all seems to be happening rather fast."

Alice let go of his hand. "Oh."

"I just need a moment to let all this sink in."

"It's been days."

"Yes, but I'm a man, contrary to what Joker tells everyone. It takes a little longer for men to get used to this news."

"Be honest, you don't want a baby do you?"

"Honestly, no I don't."

Alice threw her orange juice in Jervis's face and marched right out the door.

"She said be honest, I was honest. And what did it get me huh? Orange juice in my face…and in my coffee. Damn it." He got up and dumped the remainder of his coffee into the sink.

"FBI criminal psychologist Max Jeroe says, 'The Joker is an expert manipulator and when he felt that Harley Quinn was pulling away for good and moving on to someone else, he used the last trick in his arsenal, I love you. Those three little words mean the world to most people but to him it's just another weapon in the war of keeping this poor girl under his thumb. Soon she'll begin to realize nothing has changed and she'll start to break free again. Question is, will Joker find another trick up his sleeve?'" Harley read to herself. That was how the whole article was. Expert after expert weighing in on Joker's love. They all agreed, it was bullshit. They used Tipster updates as their evidence and had body language experts pick apart how they stood together or sat. It was humiliating. Everyone in Gotham would be laughing at her.

Harley threw the magazine down onto the kitchen table and got up. "I need to take a shower," she muttered walking out of the kitchen.

"Ok babe. Bert, you missed a spot." Joker pointed at a small glob of god only knows what that was on the cupboard.

"Sorry Mr. Joker," Bert replied.

"And Ernie, make sure you scrub out the cracks in the tile."

"It's Rob sir."

"What?" Joker asked.

"My name, it's Rob."

"I know that but Bert and Rob sounds ridiculous!"

"I thought your name was Trent," Rob whispered.

"It is but I don't have the medication to argue with him. In this job you learn to accept what you get and hope you don't die in the process."

Joker picked up the magazine Harley had tossed onto the table. "Hello handsome!" He opened it to the article and began to read.

"I'm guessing you saw the Tipster update this morning." Barbara smiled over her menu not looking up to catch Selina's glare.

"I did. Know anything about it?"

"I know that they were in the Lawrenceville train station."

"What the hell would those two be doing in Lawrenceville?" Selina asked.

Barbara shrugged. "With Lex, it's probably business. An investor might live out there or something. As for Talia, if it doesn't involve Batman or her dad then god only knows."

"I don't see anything in Lawrenceville for his royal demon ass."

"Me neither and as far as I know he's still in Gotham."

"Really? Doing what?"

"I have no clue what anyone is doing anymore! All you felons are laying so low you're almost good citizens! I'm waiting to see if Joker is going to file taxes!"

"We have become rather boring," Selina agreed.

"Someone needs to start shaking things up."

"Hey Bru…Batman," Dick said as he and Tim walked into the Batcave.

Batman grunted.

"What time did you get up?" Tim asked.

"I haven't been to bed yet. I'm looking into a murder from last night."

"Ok, well, can you spare a couple minutes?"

"Later."

"Yeah, you said later last night so no, now," Dick replied.

"Fine, I'm listening." He didn't turn around or stop typing but Dick and Tim knew it was as good as they were going to get.

"It's about the Tipster," Tim said.

Batman's typing slowed for a second.

"We think its Barbara," Dick went on.

He stopped typing all together but didn't turn. "What?"

"Here." Dick put the flash drive into the computer and opened the Tipster folder. "We pulled this off Barbara's computer."

Batman opened the Bruce Wayne file. "It's all off the website. She could've saved them for future reference."

"That's what we thought too but…" Tim opened Ivy's file and showed him the picture. "It's dated for yesterday but it's not on the site."

He didn't say anything.

"Do you want me to talk to her?" Dick asked.

"No. Watch her for now and see if you can get anything else. I don't want to jump to anything."

Dick nodded.

"Anything else?"

"I'm making a sandwich. Anyone else want one?" Tim asked.

"No," Batman grumbled.

"Ok, a mandatory sandwich for the big guy, Dick?"

"Extra mayo no tomatoes!"

"I'm not Taco Bell, I know about the tomatoes."

"They just feel weird in your mouth."

Tim shook his head and headed for the kitchen.

"There is something else I wanted to discuss," Dick said carefully.

"Go on."

"It's about Catwoman."

Batman stopped everything and turned to look at Dick. "Did she come to the museum?"

"Come on! You knew she would! It's your thing. It was obvious she would be there and you're supposed to go, catch her in the act, banter and flirt, and then the next day you two are a step closer to not being stupid."

"She ended things."

"Is your pride so big?"

"It's not about pride."

"Then what?"

Batman turned back to the computer.

"Is it Talia?"

"No."

"Oh, I know what it is."

"What?"

"It's Joker isn't it?" Dick joked elbowing Batman in the ribs.

Batman smiled a little.

"I knew it was only a matter of time. He's on the straight and narrow and now you two can…"

"I give up!" Batman cried. "It's not about me liking someone new."

"Then what?"

Batman sighed and took off the cowl. "It feels weird talking about this as Batman."

"It was a little odd for me too."

"She breaks up with me and the next thing I know she's with Clark. I still can't think about moving on."

"She wasn't serious with him or anything."

"Still…"

"And she totally ripped Talia to shreds and from what you told me it was over you."

Bruce shrugged.

"You should call her."

Bruce turned back to the computer. "I'll get over it."

"Just in case you decided to get over it with a certain annoying demoness…" Dick sat his phone on the desk, opened to the Tipster update, and walked out.

"You know what we need? One of those bathtubs with the jets in it like a hot tub. Oh! And big enough for two," Harley said as she walked into the kitchen. "It looks cleaner in here."

Joker nodded.

Harley noticed the magazine in his hands. "Ugh, that thing. Bunch of nonsense right?"

He didn't say anything.

She walked around to stand behind him and see which part he was on. It was the last page. "Some experts." She laughed nervously.

"It's kind of interesting," he replied.

Harley yanked the magazine out of his hands. "Let's go out to lunch while the boys finish up the kitchen."

"I'll get dressed."

"Great."

"You need to talk to him," Holly ordered as she and Eddie made up lunch in their kitchen. Alice was still sobbing on their couch.

"Me?" Eddie asked in disbelief.

"You're his friend."

"What the hell do I say? Man up and get used to being a dad?"

"Look, I don't care what you say but say something. Otherwise Alice is going to be our new roommate and then we'll have a baby to take care of because as much as I love my sister she's about as mature as a six year old and she won't think twice about dumping a baby off on me."

"Why can't you talk to him?"

"Because."

"That's not an answer."

"Just do it!" she yelled.

Lex grimaced at his phone. "Ridiculous," he grumbled.

"Someone's cranky," Talia teased. "Want a back rub?" She began to massage his shoulder with her foot.

He looked back at her. She was lying on her side, propped up on her elbow in her little white silk nightgown. Lex smiled. Sure she was annoying, needy, sneaky, and spoiled but no one could deny she was beautiful and since this was just a fling, he could ignore her lesser qualities. "They're talking about us."

Talia got up and crawled down the bed to see what Lex was looking at. "Oh well."

"Oh well? You don't care?"

"Not particularly."

He snorted.

"Afraid of what people will think?"

"I just like having the right publicity."

"All press is good press darling." Talia's phone started to ring and she grabbed it off the nightstand. "Damn."

"What?"

"Be quiet!" she hissed answering the phone. "Hello father."

Lex smirked.

"I'm in Gotham, are you free for dinner?" she asked.

"I can move some things around. What are you doing in Gotham?" Ra's asked.

"Visiting you on my way to Metropolis."

Lex rolled his eyes.

"Hmmm…" Ra's replied.

"What time do you want to have dinner?" Talia asked.

"7 will be fine. Our usual spot?"

"Sounds lovely."

"Bring Lex with you." He hung up leaving Talia shocked.

"What did he say?" Lex asked.

"To bring you dinner."

Lex jumped up off the bed. "What? Why?"

"I don't know."

"I don't want to meet your father!"

"I don't want you to meet him either but I have no intention of telling him that!"

"A fling! Just an easy fling you said and here we are!"

"Why is Bruce calling me?" Barbara sighed pulling out her phone. "Do you mind?" she laughed.

"Not at all," Selina replied.

"Yeah?"

"What do you know about Talia and Lex?" Bruce asked.

"Next to nothing."

"Great. Keep an eye on it."

Barbara turned away from Selina and mumbled, "Jealous?"

"No. I just don't know how I feel about them partnering up."

"I think they're just dating."

"Talia and Lex hate each other."

"Sometimes hate sparks the greatest love."

"Why are you mumbling?"

"I'm at lunch with a friend."

"Can I get another coke?" Selina asked the waiter as he passed by.

"Is that Selina? Are you having lunch with Selina?"

"Yes and now I really have to go. I will keep you posted on the al Ghul/Luther situation." She snapped her phone closed and smiled. "Work stuff."

"Talia?"

"He just wondered what I knew."

Selina scrunched up her face.

"It was purely from a Batman perspective."

"Of course." Selina smiled.

"I'm gonna use the ladies. Be back in a second." Barbara headed off for the bathrooms and Selina grabbed her phone. She quickly hit redial and looked around the restaurant, afraid someone would catch her.

"Hear something already?" Bruce asked.

Selina had to take a deep breath. His voice always hit her like a ton of bricks.

"Barbara?"

"Sorry dear, I tricked you," Selina finally said.

Now Bruce was silent.

"You won't answer my calls…"

"Where is Barbara?"

"In the bathroom. I'll give her back the damned phone when she gets out, don't worry. Look, can we talk?"

He didn't say anything.

"I'm taking silence for yes. Two hours, Starbucks on 17th and Adams?"

"Fine."

"Alright. See you then."

He hung up without another word.

Selina put the phone back down onto the table just as Barbara came back. "I think I'm going to scoot home. Thanks for lunch."

"Anytime," Barbara replied.

Harley reached her leg out under the table and rubbed her foot up and down Joker's leg. He smiled at her and went back to looking at his menu. "You're really quiet today," she commented.

"Oh."

She sighed. "Anything in particular on your mind?"

He shook his head.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fine."

The waiter sat their coffees down onto the table. "Ready to order?"

"Not yet," Joker told him.

He smiled and walked away again. Harley stirred a few, or twenty, packets of sugar into her coffee.

"I'm surprised you're not diabetic."

"I like sugar. Can't help it."

He smiled and Harley felt a little better.

"You're so sweet already though."

She smiled wide and blushed a little. "You're a dork."

"It's true. You're sweet, beautiful, and all around amazing."

She was completely pink now. "I love you."

"I don't."

The world seemed like it had slammed on its brakes and everything lurched. Harley could feel the whiplash beginning in her neck and back. She could see her world crumbling, breaking, and falling apart around her and she felt like she was falling. She tried to stand up but her legs wobbled and Harley fell back down into the chair.

"Are you ok?" he asked reaching over to touch her shoulder.

Harley jerked back and gripped the table. "Oh my god."

"I don't know what to say."

Roaring, like a train, filled her ears and she could faintly hear him talking in the background. "Why?"

"The more I thought about it the more I thought maybe I didn't love you like I said I did."

She tried to stand again, this time with help from the table. Her mind was reeling and everything still felt like it was falling. It was like trying to stand on a rollercoaster. She stumbled and Joker got up to help her.

"Maybe you should sit."

The second his hands touched her skin she felt searing pain spread throughout her body like she had been branded with a hot iron. "No!" she cried firmly pushing him off. "Don't touch me!"

"I'm…I feel…" He tried to find words but he couldn't. He wasn't sure if he was sorry. "If I don't love her then its better this way," his mind reasoned. And he couldn't say eh felt anything. He thought he did but that article had been so convincing. It said he fooled himself into thinking he could feel things. Was it right? How could he know for sure?

"I hate you."

That felt like it hurt.

Harley grabbed her purse off the floor and stumbled for the door. She had to get away from him. She was positive that the second she got outside everything would be better.

"You're late," Bruce said indifferently when Selina sat down at the corner table.

"Sorry. Traffic on 12th. I had to get out of the cab and walk the rest of the way."

Bruce nodded.

"Buy you a coffee?" she asked.

"No."

The air was thick with tension. Selina could practically smell his disgust with her. "Alright. How are you?"

"If this is a session of chit chat then I'm going to leave. I have things to do," he told her coldly.

"Sorry, I was just trying to be polite."

"I don't need polite."

"Again, sorry." She rubbed her right temple and sighed. This wasn't going well.

"What did you want to talk about?" he asked trying to push her forward.

She sat up straighter and brushed her hair out of her face. "I just wanted to apologize for the other night."

"Apology accepted." He got up.

"I'm not done!"

He remained standing at the table.

"Look, it was inappropriate and childish. I didn't mean to ruin anything between you and Talia."

"Ok."

"You still seem mad."

"I'm not mad."

Selina threw her hands up in the air in exasperation.

"I have to go." He started for the door and she followed. He wasn't getting away that easily.

"Done so soon sir?" Alfred asked as Bruce approached.

"No, he's not," Selina called after him.

"What?" Bruce asked.

"What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing."

"You're mad about something."

"I'm not mad about anything."

"You don't show up at the museum, you won't talk to me, and I'm standing here admitting I was wrong and all you can say is ok? There's something wrong tell me!"

"You apologized and I accepted. I don't know what more you want."

"I want you to not be like this."

Bruce scoffed. "How should I be? Happy? Thanks Selina! I'm so happy we cleared up that whole incident. Call me so we can have drinks and you can date more of my friends!"

"I know things can't be perfect but…"

"No! No they can't be perfect, good, or even ok."
"Why not?"

"You broke my heart!" he yelled.

Selina felt everyone staring at her and when she caught sight of the pity in Alfred's face she lost her nerve and bolted down the street.